It’s over. The guy I’m dating just called me and said he doesn’t think this relationship should go any further. I’m devastated.

[Throwaway246810]

23F. I have 8 month old DS. Me and his dad have absolutely 0 contact. ((Cheating… whole other story for another day)) ( He arranges days to see his son through my mum which is roughly once every 2 weeks).
I still see my ex ‘sister in law’ (my ex’s brother’s ex partner… lol, still with me?) as she also has a child so we have a mutual interest to keep the children in each other’s lives as of course they are cousins.

Anyway, enough context, a (really decent) guy who lives on her road asked for my number about a week ago. I had seen him in passing many times before. He’s great and often takes her child on days out etc , He’s a few years younger than me. We hit it off instantly and me being me fell head over heels. (Urgh why do I do this..)

He called me randomly today and said he thinks this relationship between me and him shouldn’t go any further as he witnessed my sister in law and her ex partner having a major row outside her house (he obviously lives down her road so he saw) his happens often. They are abusive to one another. He said he didn’t want to be involved in something like that himself. And his mum ‘would go mad’ if she found out (he lives with mum too) Basically I’m guilty by association in his eyes. Little does he know my relationship with my ex has absolutely no drama at all, unlike his brother and his ex partner.

The most embarrassing thing was I had to mute the phone call after he told me it was over as tears streamed down my face uncontrollably and he must have known as he said “are you ok?”

I feel a failure. Who’s going to want me now? I’m a young single mum still living at my mum’s as no where else to live. No money. Why am I so naive? Why do i fall in love with the first person that shows me interest? Yes i know we only talked for a week but I really thought he was the one.

Reading this back Im aware I sound pretty pathetic. But I’m so upset. Please someone say something to make me feel better. I’m absolutely devastated.

Thanks for reading

1000x this!

@Dery

I am desperate to get into another relationship, you're right about that. All my friends seem to be with decent men i don't get where I'm going wrong.

Thanks for your advice. I'm on mat leave right now, will be going back part-time. No degree or a levels. Been working straight out of school. Not a career woman (sorry I'm just not 🫣) I'm not saying my dream is to be a SAHM, but my dream is to have a strong, stable family unit over any career on this planet. That's just me. Which is why this minor incident (some might say) is like a huge knock back to me.

Do they row quote bad and in the street? I personally wouldn't want drama that close to me.

@Teentaxidriver

You sound very young, sensitive and kind hearted. Please don’t take his “rejection” to heart. It wasn’t meant to be. Focus on yourself and your child. I feel as though your self-esteem isn’t good - you sound lovely and he honestly isn’t worthy of you.

Thank you ❤️ yes it clearly wasn't meant to be. I knew I had low self esteem but after reading all the replies on this thread I feel as though my self esteem is actually a lot lower than I thought. I'm sad about that. Xx

But like he could have told you and asked you about it.... you aren't the one in the argument Ffs.

He's not a good person, good he's shown you so early!

@regustering They live on an estate in london. It's a bit of a 'everyone knows everyone' set up.

@regustering I know I wish he hasn't just automatically tarred me with the same brush as my SIL! But I do understand.

@tortir It is because it happened to me when I was 18. I didn't have a child, but I met a 19 year old guy in a bar one Saturday night. He was with his friends and I was with mine. We chatted for three consecutive Saturday evenings and on the third he gave me a lift home, we kissed and he asked me to go out with him when he returned from a two week course.

He ignored me when he got back. I spent a year crying, pining, plotting and scheming how to "get him back", wrote reams in my diary about him, cried and cried, drove everyone nuts. It consumed my life for a whole year. It was crazy. I knew this person for a total of 3 x 3 hour evenings and he was the "love of my life."

I thought I wasn't good enough and let it almost destroy me. I feel such a chump now I look back at it. Of course I didn't love him. I didn't know him from Adam.

Like @Throwaway246810 I was upset about losing the anticipated relationship, the potential. Now I'm so glad it didn't happen. But I ruined a whole year of my life for someone who I found out later was not worth it.

You really should be focusing on your 8m DS rather than any man. It wasn't meant to be

@TheAverageJoanne

Thanks for sharing this. Why do people think it's ok to ignore/ghost people?? Its so damaging. Of course it makes sense it consumed you so much for a year. Luckily the guy in my situation did have the decency to call and tell me, but still. It sounds like that was a long time ago in your case (I think) but I'm glad you moved on anyway. I know I'll be able to do the same. Xx

@Throwaway246810 Yes it's 15 years ago now. It really affected me though as I expected future boyfriends to act like him and dump me. I know it was irrational but then I just felt like rubbish.

A week?!

With respect, right now your strong, stable family unit consists of you and your baby, and whether or not you are ambitious, the better qualified you are, the better you will be able to support your child.

And what you say about this minor brush off from a guy who got your number a week ago being a ‘huge knock back’ because you want a ‘strong, stable family’ is kind of alarming. You knew him a week and he’s ‘several years younger’ than you at 23, and you were already casting him in the role of provider/husband/father?

You really need to step back from dating and focus on you, your baby and education/work.

Honestly, take it from a 41 year old woman who married far too young, stay single and enjoy it while you're young!
Don't place all your worth on being with someone, you are fine without a man!

Spend some time doing what makes YOU happy.

You'll honestly look back on this and laugh

Be kind to yourself. If you need a cry, have a cry. But a cuppa and some chocolate makes everything seem better.

@Throwaway246810

You have a lot of growing up to do if you think that you feel in love with this guy. How could he end a relationship that did not exist?

You both seem to have a lot of growing up to do. You did not know him well enough to love him, and if he is worried about what his mom will say, he is not nearly ready for prime time.

You weren't even dating.. Please focus on defining yourself as an independent adult and mother. When you have more confidence and self awareness , you will look back and laugh at this situation.

@thisbathiscoldnow thank you for this xx

Perhaps that explains it then. They scared him off. After all, he's only young and maybe he doesn't want to get tied down in what he thinks could develop into a difficult situation.

Name change?

Sorry but there's no way I'd be letting my 20 year old neighbour take my kids out OR babysit it's usually someone you know or trust or a neighbour or family member that hurts the children!! You both sound a bit dim to be honest. Her for being abusive and trusting men Too much and you for being that upset over a week!!! ... At 23 years old, can't even use the clocks ticking excuse because you've only just left childhood.

You're so right about 'the dream'. Im a huge day dreamer and have fantasised about this perfect family unit my whole life (probably bcos I never had it growing up).

Please be very careful. It's the "dream" that will make you vulnerable to wrong'uns. More than you probably realise.

You and your DS are a complete family. Anyone else who comes along later is a bonus.

@JeandeServiette

Thanks for your comment. Yes this thread has opened up my eyes definitely. When you're after something that badly, anyone or anything will do. I agree a dangerous game

A WEEK?

come on now - you can’t be so desperate to find a bloke when you have a child to think about. He needs to be your priority and it sounds a bit like you would want to build a home with the first bloke who comes along. That would be a huge mistake and you deserve a lot more and more importantly so does your DS. You need to do some serious work on yourself before you get into any relationship - it’s not normal to be crying like that because a bloke who asked for your number changed his mind about dating you. Very sensible of him actually because it sounds like you’d have moved far too quickly

A few people have mentioned their concern that this boy/man babysits so I thought I'd say my SIL' s child is much older than mine. She has a child and not a baby. Maybe shouldn't have said babysit... her child can't wait to spend the day with him they play football and things like that together.