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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It’s over. The guy I’m dating just called me and said he doesn’t think this relationship should go any further. I’m devastated.

161 replies

Throwaway246810 · 30/06/2023 18:14

23F. I have 8 month old DS. Me and his dad have absolutely 0 contact. ((Cheating… whole other story for another day)) ( He arranges days to see his son through my mum which is roughly once every 2 weeks).
I still see my ex ‘sister in law’ (my ex’s brother’s ex partner… lol, still with me?) as she also has a child so we have a mutual interest to keep the children in each other’s lives as of course they are cousins.

Anyway, enough context, a (really decent) guy who lives on her road asked for my number about a week ago. I had seen him in passing many times before. He’s great and often takes her child on days out etc , He’s a few years younger than me. We hit it off instantly and me being me fell head over heels. (Urgh why do I do this..)

He called me randomly today and said he thinks this relationship between me and him shouldn’t go any further as he witnessed my sister in law and her ex partner having a major row outside her house (he obviously lives down her road so he saw) his happens often. They are abusive to one another. He said he didn’t want to be involved in something like that himself. And his mum ‘would go mad’ if she found out (he lives with mum too) Basically I’m guilty by association in his eyes. Little does he know my relationship with my ex has absolutely no drama at all, unlike his brother and his ex partner.

The most embarrassing thing was I had to mute the phone call after he told me it was over as tears streamed down my face uncontrollably and he must have known as he said “are you ok?”

I feel a failure. Who’s going to want me now? I’m a young single mum still living at my mum’s as no where else to live. No money. Why am I so naive? Why do i fall in love with the first person that shows me interest? Yes i know we only talked for a week but I really thought he was the one.

Reading this back Im aware I sound pretty pathetic. But I’m so upset. Please someone say something to make me feel better. I’m absolutely devastated.

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Original poster
Throwaway246810 · 30/06/2023 20:18

Unknownunknowns · 30/06/2023 20:16

You're 23, he's a few years younger so like 20 maybe, and you've been going out a week - I'm sure it's tough but look at the reality, it was barely a relationship & you should be happy he didn't drag it out if it wasn't going to work.

@Unknownunknowns

You're right hes 20. That I'm actually very grateful for. This could have dragged on way longer. Still kind of hurts though.

OP posts:
keel34 · 30/06/2023 20:20

So he's 20 years old, asked for your number a week ago and has today said he doesn't want it to go any further...? Do you not think you're being a bit dramatic? You've been talking for a week?

Thehippowife · 30/06/2023 20:21

TheProvincialLady · 30/06/2023 18:20

One day you are going to look back and laugh at what a lucky escape you had from that enormous crybaby. Honestly, is he even an adult? You can and will do a thousand times better. Chin up.

This mate, totally this. I was once where you are now - I’m married now with more kids and my husband is the best!
you will get there my lovely. Don’t give that whiney arse hole another thought, it’s a lucky escape I promise you!

Throwncrumbs · 30/06/2023 20:37

Blimey, he only asked for your number a week ago, it’s not a relationship , it’s a non starter!

Original poster
Throwaway246810 · 30/06/2023 20:37

keel34 · 30/06/2023 20:20

So he's 20 years old, asked for your number a week ago and has today said he doesn't want it to go any further...? Do you not think you're being a bit dramatic? You've been talking for a week?

@keel34 in hindsight, and now that I've calmed down a bit, yes very dramatic. But for some strange reason I just absolutely believed this was going to go far. I know, stupid. I imagined me being that mumsnetter that could reply to someone "I met my Prince Charming right after i cut ties with my narcissistic cheating ex" lol.

OP posts:
Original poster
Throwaway246810 · 30/06/2023 20:38

Throwncrumbs · 30/06/2023 20:37

Blimey, he only asked for your number a week ago, it’s not a relationship , it’s a non starter!

@Throwncrumbs yes, had a few people say this. I shouldn't have said relationship

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 30/06/2023 20:45

EVHead · 30/06/2023 18:21

You’re in a difficult position, essentially raising a child on your own. But being devastated after a week is not a rational reaction - in your shoes I would focus on my child and myself and start dating once I was feeling stronger.

This. He doesn't sound like much of a catch.

But you already are in challenging circumstances. You need to focus all of your energy on your child, your education/career, learning how to be a good parent and find the resources you need for that.

Stop spending energy on your love life. You already made the choice to have, at a young age, a child by someone who turned out to be a dud. Put romance on the back burner until your ability to distinguish good men from bad men has matured.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 30/06/2023 20:46

Throwaway246810 · 30/06/2023 20:37

@keel34 in hindsight, and now that I've calmed down a bit, yes very dramatic. But for some strange reason I just absolutely believed this was going to go far. I know, stupid. I imagined me being that mumsnetter that could reply to someone "I met my Prince Charming right after i cut ties with my narcissistic cheating ex" lol.

Show quote history

Perhaps reflect on why the prospect of it "going far" captivated you so much. With everything else you have on your plate...

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 30/06/2023 20:50

Screamingabdabz · 30/06/2023 19:59

Shame on the posters calling a 20 year old young man a ‘mummy’s boy’ for living at home (which is very normal) and dodging what he sees as too much baggage and drama. He has acted completely appropriately.

I agree.

Multi-generational households are one way of building upward mobility; both of my parents lived at home (and helped with expenses for young siblings) until they were mid-late 20s. It set the foundation for financial stability and eventually prosperity.

Kudos to him for realizing the situation with the OP was not a good fit.

Mars27 · 30/06/2023 20:50

Eh? Why are you crying over a boy - because that's what he is, a boy, not a man - that you'd been together for a week?

BanditoShipman · 30/06/2023 20:51

It’s not him op, it’s the ‘dream’ that youve lost. I’ve been there, suddenly single with a young child, you are just overwhelmed and the ‘happy family dream’ has vanished, you’re desperate to get it back. I had good job, my own house etc (I was ten years older than you) and still felt so lonely. I had friends but all happily married with young children. All I could see in my future was nights in on my own watching Midsommer Murders!

I took some time to find myself again and get my head together. I then started online dating and met my dh of 17 years. BUT you need to be strong to online date, otherwise you will be a magnet for predators. I would suggest taking some time to feel good about yourself, maybe see the dr or a therapist, get out with friends if you can or meet new ‘mum friends’. Don’t worry about the future thinking your life is over or that you’ll be watching Fireman Sam for the next 5 years. There is no rush. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself x

742EvergreenTerrace · 30/06/2023 20:52

I could have written this 15 years ago. I too lived at home with mum and was a total single mother. I fell head over heels with every potential prospect even just at a chatting stage!

I took a few years away from dating just to concentrate on what I truly wanted. I made a list and refused to entertain anyone who wasn’t marriage minded. I worked on myself and my neediness. But I did feel like I had a healthy self esteem because I would not tolerate any bad behaviour. I just wanted my happy ever after.

I met a man who was marriage minded and 6 years later 2 years married here we are.

my advice would be to not compromise on what you want in life, and try not to daydream too far ahead. Keep yourself busy during the initial chatting stage so you aren’t preoccupied with a potential partner. Although it is hard when your child has gone to bed and you’ve got a few hours for your mind to go into overdrive!

MrsMarzetti · 30/06/2023 20:56

He takes your sister in laws child out for the day ? Bloody hell you have had a lucky escape. Stay single and focus on your child.

Mumtothreegirlies · 30/06/2023 20:56

You can look at this in two ways either he is making excuses because he doesn’t feel you hit it off OR he’s very sensible and is thinking seriously about his life and his child’s life.
why not communicate to him that there’s no drama and how it would be wrong of him to associate you with them. That way all your cards are on the table, if he still isn’t keen to give dating your shot then you can move on.
there are so many fish in the sea and you are still young and with a baby. Be kind to yourself and focus on you xxx

RoseBucket · 30/06/2023 21:08

Throwaway246810 · 30/06/2023 20:09

@RoseBucket

@Throwaway246810 is there any chance you have post natal depression, you seem very down in yourself.

I am down in myself about 70% of the time. Looking back I'm sure I had PND when my son was a new born; I wouldn't say I do now though. I'm just so badly craving that family unit which I don't have. It's eating away at me

I had post natal depression until my daughter was around two. She was around 8 months when a health visitor at sure start picked up on it. If you’re down 70% of the time it’s worth mentioning to your GP or health visitor, even just talking about it can help.

They used to use something called the Edinburgh Wheel (my daughter is an adult now) I’m not sure if it’s still the same. I was also a single parent and was worried they would judge and social services would be involved but neither happened. One health visitor was judgy but another was fantastic and I started to recover. Worth thinking about x

Opentooffers · 30/06/2023 21:09

Forget the guy. He's a guy whose not fully formed yet. Neither are you, you probably had an ideal family setup in mind with your ex at some point, but it didn't work out that way unfortunately. It's now time to let go of that dream, and as you are living in the 2020's, a man's purpose is not to go out and earn for his family while the woman at home does all the rest. So, look at the living at home & no money situation, what can 'you' do in the future to change that? Because if your plan is to find a man who will take you away from your current life, that's not going to happen - not by a quality male, it works for controlling one's, but results in a grim life for the woman.
See yourself as sole future provider for your child, that's the way to control your own destiny. Are you on mat leave from work? What can you do to increase your income? Any retraining opportunities?
Get busy with carving out your own life, then only men who are mature and see women as equal to them, will be attracted by you, which is the type to go for.
Tbh, this lad has his whole life ahead of him, so it wouldn't be sensible for him to start anything up with you at his age. He asked you out acting on hormones ( rife at their age) but given time to think, can see that it's not in his best interest. If I was his mother I'd be advising caution too.

Original poster
Throwaway246810 · 30/06/2023 21:11

Mumtothreegirlies · 30/06/2023 20:56

You can look at this in two ways either he is making excuses because he doesn’t feel you hit it off OR he’s very sensible and is thinking seriously about his life and his child’s life.
why not communicate to him that there’s no drama and how it would be wrong of him to associate you with them. That way all your cards are on the table, if he still isn’t keen to give dating your shot then you can move on.
there are so many fish in the sea and you are still young and with a baby. Be kind to yourself and focus on you xxx

@Mumtothreegirlies

Thank you xx

He has no children, just me with a DS. It's too late to communicate anything now, I just said "ok I understand" and was done with it. Xx

OP posts:
jazzybelle · 30/06/2023 21:31

Throwaway246810 · 30/06/2023 19:01

@jazzybelle agree, maybe shouldn’t have used the word relationship. He babysits for my SIL. As to why he asked me out? Guess he found me attractive I guess!

Show quote history

He called me randomly today and said he thinks this relationship between me and him shouldn’t go any further as he witnessed my sister in law and her ex partner having a major row outside her house (he obviously lives down her road so he saw) his happens often. They are abusive to one another. He said he didn’t want to be involved in something like that himself. And his mum ‘would go mad’ if she found out (he lives with mum too) Basically I’m guilty by association in his eyes. Little does he know my relationship with my ex has absolutely no drama at all, unlike his brother and his ex partner.

But you said he's called it off with you because he saw SIL and her partner having a row and that they are abusive to each other. But you say he lives down her road and it happens often. Therefore, he must have known about it. So, if he knew about it, used it as a reason to finish your 'relationship,' why would he ask you out in the first place?

Original poster
Throwaway246810 · 30/06/2023 21:44

@jazzybelle

But you said he's called it off with you because he saw SIL and her partner having a row and that they are abusive to each other. But you say he lives down her road and it happens often. Therefore, he must have known about it. So, if he knew about it, used it as a reason to finish your 'relationship,' why would he ask you out in the first place?

Ok I see why you asked me that now. A fair question that I'm not even sure if I can answer! Probably because they hadn't had a drama in a while. Something 'blew up' today between them. Also, sadly, in hindsight I think he may have just got a bit ahead of himself and has now had time to think and realised it's a bad idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
Throwaway246810 · 30/06/2023 21:50

BanditoShipman · 30/06/2023 20:51

It’s not him op, it’s the ‘dream’ that youve lost. I’ve been there, suddenly single with a young child, you are just overwhelmed and the ‘happy family dream’ has vanished, you’re desperate to get it back. I had good job, my own house etc (I was ten years older than you) and still felt so lonely. I had friends but all happily married with young children. All I could see in my future was nights in on my own watching Midsommer Murders!

I took some time to find myself again and get my head together. I then started online dating and met my dh of 17 years. BUT you need to be strong to online date, otherwise you will be a magnet for predators. I would suggest taking some time to feel good about yourself, maybe see the dr or a therapist, get out with friends if you can or meet new ‘mum friends’. Don’t worry about the future thinking your life is over or that you’ll be watching Fireman Sam for the next 5 years. There is no rush. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself x

@BanditoShipman

Thank you for your post. Did I reply already? Im getting lost in this thread. But reading all replies.

You're so right about 'the dream'. Im a huge day dreamer and have fantasised about this perfect family unit my whole life (probably bcos I never had it growing up). I'm glad you found someone decent.

Yes. Online dating is not for the weak. My DS's dad I met online... need I say no more! Xx

OP posts:
Stillcantbebothered · 30/06/2023 21:52

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 30/06/2023 18:24

Sweetheart, I promise you that you will move n much quicker than you think you will.

He is so young so immature emotionally, not like you.

He really isn’t your Mr Right, you know that deep down, you are just so upset right now that he isn’t.

Your Mr Right is out there waiting for you to find him!!! - which you will.

Ring a friend when baby is in bed, have a good cry. Will do you the world of good.

Tomorrow is a new day, you never know, you might meet Mr Right tomorrow!!! Xxx

He is so young so immature emotionally, not like you.

You read her post and concluded that OP is emotionally mature?

Original poster
Throwaway246810 · 30/06/2023 21:52

742EvergreenTerrace · 30/06/2023 20:52

I could have written this 15 years ago. I too lived at home with mum and was a total single mother. I fell head over heels with every potential prospect even just at a chatting stage!

I took a few years away from dating just to concentrate on what I truly wanted. I made a list and refused to entertain anyone who wasn’t marriage minded. I worked on myself and my neediness. But I did feel like I had a healthy self esteem because I would not tolerate any bad behaviour. I just wanted my happy ever after.

I met a man who was marriage minded and 6 years later 2 years married here we are.

my advice would be to not compromise on what you want in life, and try not to daydream too far ahead. Keep yourself busy during the initial chatting stage so you aren’t preoccupied with a potential partner. Although it is hard when your child has gone to bed and you’ve got a few hours for your mind to go into overdrive!

@742EvergreenTerrace

Again, sorry if I've already replied, pretty embarrassing if I have.

I'm really glad you can relate to me and I'm not the only one. I long to snuggle up to someone once my DS goes to bed. It's so tough sometimes...

OP posts:
drpet49 · 30/06/2023 21:54

PaigeMatthews · 30/06/2023 18:28

He hasnt done anything wrong here. He has seen the drama with others who are not together and decided he actually doesn't want that.

with regards to you, you absolutely need to work on yourself before you start dating.

you are only 23 but this guy was several years younger than you. Is he still a teenager?

you have been speaking to him for ONE WEEK and think you have fallen in live with him. You havent at all. You are looking to fill a void. If you carry on with this you will latch on to the first unsuitable man who shows you any attention and that is absolutely jot fair on your child.

why you do this is probably connected to your upbringing.

you need to get yourself in a much healthier position. Do you have a career path? Do you have hobbies? Do you have friends?

also, why is he taking your child’s cousin on days out?

This. You are being unreasonable.

Teentaxidriver · 30/06/2023 21:55

You sound very young, sensitive and kind hearted. Please don’t take his “rejection” to heart. It wasn’t meant to be. Focus on yourself and your child. I feel as though your self-esteem isn’t good - you sound lovely and he honestly isn’t worthy of you.

CovertImage · 30/06/2023 22:02

drpet49 · 30/06/2023 21:54

This. You are being unreasonable.

Show quote history

I also agree with this.

Plus, on this thread - "mummy's boy", "cry baby", "you need a man not a boy"

I don't generally defend men but it's like some women on this site have such fucked up ideas of men that they don't think of ANY man as a human being.

The bloke actually rang her up FFS rather than ghosting or blocking her like a coward