It’s over. The guy I’m dating just called me and said he doesn’t think this relationship should go any further. I’m devastated.

[Throwaway246810]

23F. I have 8 month old DS. Me and his dad have absolutely 0 contact. ((Cheating… whole other story for another day)) ( He arranges days to see his son through my mum which is roughly once every 2 weeks).
I still see my ex ‘sister in law’ (my ex’s brother’s ex partner… lol, still with me?) as she also has a child so we have a mutual interest to keep the children in each other’s lives as of course they are cousins.

Anyway, enough context, a (really decent) guy who lives on her road asked for my number about a week ago. I had seen him in passing many times before. He’s great and often takes her child on days out etc , He’s a few years younger than me. We hit it off instantly and me being me fell head over heels. (Urgh why do I do this..)

He called me randomly today and said he thinks this relationship between me and him shouldn’t go any further as he witnessed my sister in law and her ex partner having a major row outside her house (he obviously lives down her road so he saw) his happens often. They are abusive to one another. He said he didn’t want to be involved in something like that himself. And his mum ‘would go mad’ if she found out (he lives with mum too) Basically I’m guilty by association in his eyes. Little does he know my relationship with my ex has absolutely no drama at all, unlike his brother and his ex partner.

The most embarrassing thing was I had to mute the phone call after he told me it was over as tears streamed down my face uncontrollably and he must have known as he said “are you ok?”

I feel a failure. Who’s going to want me now? I’m a young single mum still living at my mum’s as no where else to live. No money. Why am I so naive? Why do i fall in love with the first person that shows me interest? Yes i know we only talked for a week but I really thought he was the one.

Reading this back Im aware I sound pretty pathetic. But I’m so upset. Please someone say something to make me feel better. I’m absolutely devastated.

Thanks for reading

The posters on here calling the guy names, criticizing him, putting him down and trashing him are absolutely pathetic. What sexist nonsense and drivel. The hate is completely unfair.

If the two people were reversed, no one would be telling a 20 year old woman to stay with a guy she met a week ago who is a single dad with an absolute mess of family and ex relationships.

Op, he did nothing wrong. You two chatted for a week and he was honest that there is way too much in this for him and at 20, it wouldn't be healthy to take this on at all. Focus on yourself and your child for now.

This.

I don't even know how you have the time for this drama OP with an 8 month old. Focus on your child and start to think about building a good future for you both. Chasing a boyfriend isn't it, you have a child and that needs to be your priority

Sorry to say this because I know you were in love with him and all, but he sounds like a bit of a twatty wanker and you sound quite nice despite all the crying over a man you've only known for a week. With affairs of the heart it is really worth being patient. If you learn to do that your love life is going to blossom big time. Good luck.

All sounds really childish OP sorry, and you really really need to prioritize your babies safety and well-being rather than throwing yourself into dating and getting so caught up on someone after a week. This guy could be a sex offender for all you know!

You don’t know anyone after a week. I think you need to take a deep breath and try to focus on other things for a while, heal from what’s gone on with your child’s father and give yourself some space.

In time if you want to date anyone then you can separate to your child and prioritize keeping your child safe from strangers. I honestly find it odd this 20 year old man is doing childcare for your SIL and it sounds really off, like they have a potentially borderline weird friendship tbh. I think you’ve had a lucky escape. When you’re ready to date again look outside your social circle and you will avoid all this drama.

It was a week! OP you need to work on your self esteem too if you fall in love with someone after a week. Not to try and be mean, but seriously, you have some growing up to do

This response has everything you need. It’s good advice, please reread it. All of it.

You don’t need Mr Right, or even Mr Rightnow. Concentrate on your baby, and on yourself.

Sorry you are having a tough time, I think we have all been there are your feelings are your feeling and no one can tell you that you are wrong in that sense. But I need to say this and you need to think carefully about what I am about to say.

There are predators out there who look for women like you. Vulnerable, young, single moms, still living at home with no real assets of their own. Predators that want to abuse you and your son. You have to trust me I work in this field, I have seen it. If you carry on falling this hard for men who give you a little bit of attention you are likely to find yourself living in some scumbags home who beats you and your son. Have a read of any of these stories in the news where an innocent child has been beaten and murdered by their mom and a step parent. That’s just the violent men. Then you have the men that use websites to discuss women like you and how easy they are into manipulating. Men that want to sexually abuse your son. I know that is horrible but you need to know.

If You want a strong family unit you need to stay the hell away from men for a while. You will attract a good man by being a strong, confident woman who doesn’t need a man but wants one. There needs to be an equal balance of power in a relationship and you aren’t there are the moment. I know it sounds like ages but it’s not - in a year your son will be talking to you, you will be able to hold his hand and take him to the zoo. He will be sleeping through the night and eating a small portion of whatever you have for dinner. It gets so much easier. In the meantime do things for you, join a gym/ take an evening college class/ whatever. Do not ruin yours and your little boys life by attaching to any old bloke who gives you the time of day. X

Oh don't talk nonsense. You can't blame the bloke for not wanting to get involved with a family that shout and fight in the street. I realise its not very fair on the OP as she isn't the one arguing, but I wouldn't really want to have anything to do with them either. I also think its bloody weird that a 20 year old guy is taking the sister's kid on days out. But apart from that I don't think he has behaved badly, I think he realised what he was potentially getting in to and decided it was all a bit much, as he is perfectly entitled to do. OP I really think you need to step back and concentrate on yourself and your baby for a while. Look after yourself.

He asked for your number a week ago, that’s not dating. I say this as a 24 year old single parent with a 1 and 2 year old. You’ll be fine

Yes, but why would she wait 10 years to be able to start dating??? I mean, you know you can do both at the same time. Study and see people.

Op this isn't about you - and your feelings aren't about him. You are disappointed and bringing lots and lots of emotions to the table here that have NOTHING to do with this actual man.

It's really important you learn about your emotional reactions - and possibly anxious attachment style - so that you can avoid falling 'head over heels' with any other men you barely know.

I have been there ! please don't beat yourself up you have had.a hard time and need to learn better emotional resilience.

You are so young and at the start of your life - focus on learning how to be more self confident and believe in yourself and please if you can have some therapy. Or read some books about attachment style - I remember reading the book 'They fuck you up' by psychologist Oliver James was v interesting when i was younger.

There are lots of books you can read from your library if you can't afford therapy - but do try to look at your emotional relationship patterns before you get involved again.

Op one thing you said rings alarm bells for me - that you 'crave a family unit'. Please please be careful here - you absolutely must not rush into a relationship to create a family unit for your child.

YOU are your childs family - you, your mum the others around you - and the child's dad to the extent that he is.

If you feel the pressure to bring a partner/ dad into this situation sadly you will attract the wrong kind of guy - someone who may take advantage of your desperation.

You are young and have your life ahead of you - you will eventually find a partner but you need to be sure it's someone you actuallyknow really well and trust before you let feelings develop

to say someone is 'the one' when you do not know them at all - that feeling is coming from a desperate need to be loved - and it's sadly a dangerous state to be in.

You don't love him after a week. I

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong either, he’s had second thoughts that’s all.

@waterrat

Thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed post. 'Anxious attachment style'... I've heard this many times but never looked into it, maybe it's what I have...

Also thanks for book recommendation.

I do understand it's worrying for the sake of my son. I do live at childhood home still so (luckily) in my case I can't ever have anyone back here and can't go to their house obviously bcos I have my son to look after so that automatically 'slows things down' drastically in terms of anything progressing quickly. Hope that made sense...

Please read @Creditcrunch2243 post below.

You sound lovely but you admit to being down and vulnerable. First I’d suggest having a chat with your GP, there’s an NHS depression quiz thing on line and you can do that today and see how you are feeling against those guidelines before you make an appointment.

Look I get it about a family unit it’s what most of us want, but I think you have the wrong idea at the moment about how to get it.

Maybe you think that you need a big strong man, someone who is “sorted” who can sort you out too. I feel like if you met someone who had his own place and seemed more “grown up” for lack of a better phrase, you’d think he was automatically a great thing for you and your child. You’d probably do anything for him right from day one, and you could be vulnerable to another narc or someone who doesn’t respect you, someone who pushes your sexual boundaries or worse, or someone who wants to control you.

The thing is when you are dating “unequally” you are more likely to attract someone who wants that unequal relationship.

To get A HEALTHY family setup for your child and you, you need to make sure you’re approaching dating with high self esteem and a knowledge of what you’re bringing to the table. So for a start you’re young, kind, bright, with a job. You can develop your career (there’s no such thing as a career women, if you get promoted at work for example it’s not about who you are it’s about making life secure for your child). All that crap about Prince Charming and “the one” is a harmful myth that means we look to a random dude to solve our problems and risk overlooking their flaws.

have a read online about your shark cage, build yourself up with help from the doctor or health visitor advice, and be ready to find a PARTNER not a magical saviour man. It will make your life happier I promise x

He's very very young .... He was a teenager last year. He is immature (understandable at 20), I don't actually think he should be getting involved with single Mums because most 20. yr old young men wouldn't have the maturity to deal with the situation.
Keep in mind that many kids who are abused & hurt are by their mothers boyfriends.

I have no idea why your ex "sil" thinks it's wise to let a 20 yr old young man with no kids of his own, not related to her or her child; babysit her child and take her child for outings (alone?). To be that is very unwise, very strange, very foolish. She trusts him, I'm not sure why..... That doesn't mean you should trust him.

She's not really safe guarding her child.

His excuse for ending communication with you sounds like exactly that to me ... An excuse. Just because you ex "sil" and her ex are shouty and aggressive in their interactions does not automatically you would, you're not even related to her (??!!). It is a crazy, irrational assumption that you must be the same. Makes very little sense. It sounds like an excuse to be; he just sounds like he doesn't want to continue seeing you.
Have you slept with him? Maybe that's why he's decided he doesn't want a relationship; he was only looking for sex but wasn't honest about it.

One week is incredibly soon/fast for you to be getting so invested and so upset. At one week of being involved with someone they shouldn't have met your child, been in your home, taken up.much of your time in terms of communication, had sex etc etc. (I don't know if you've done any of these things , I'm just saying they really shouldn't be done). They should be someone you are in the earliest earliest stages of getting to know and seeing exactly what they like.

I agree with the poster who said you are in real.danger of getting into an abusive or really bad relationship when you make yourself this desperate to be in a relationship.

You are only 22 FFS. You are so so young. You have years to meet someone. Hearing you say "who'd want me" is so sad. And also so unrealistic. There are millions of single Mums and single mums get into relationships every day of the week, and marry etc etc. In their 20s,30s, 40s, I know one who met and married a handsome, well off guy in her late 50s.
If you approach life and relationships like you're low value and desperate because you're a single Mum (to only one child, many women have more) you're going to fuck up your life.

@Creditcrunch2243

Thank you for your response. X

Realised I just threw in the phrase “shark cage” there! Have a look at this, it’s a really useful idea I think
https://www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Strange that a 20 year old man is still living with Mummy and doing what is effectively babysitting for a neighbour. He sounds VERY immature and childish.

Does he have a job? Is he studying at Uni or College? If he's hanging around his neighbourhood "playing" with other children like your SIL's child, it sounds like he still thinks and acts like he's a child himself.

Personally, I think you've dodged a bullet.

You need to work on your own self esteem, get yourself some independence by getting some qualifications, a trade or career.

Forget dating for the time being and concentrate on yourself and your child, sorry to say, but you don't sound emotionally ready yourself, and if you're not careful, you'll end up with another child by another absent or abusive father.

@WitcheryDivine

Thank you. I did read the post and it helped.

I agree, I am looking for a 'prince charming'.

something I didn't go into on my OP was how bad my relationship with my son's dad was. (No physical or sexual abuse. It was instead Lying, cheating, giving me an STI while pregnant.. I had no idea...)

It nearly broke me. I mean, he's only 8months old so this didn't happen all that long ago. In fact, who am I kidding, I'm still broken. I feel like my future relationships are now going to be tarnished and that's really worrying me.

Some great advice from PPs. You are very young and very naive. Please focus on yourself and your baby for a while. Don't waste headspace on thinking "the one" is just around the corner. Being single is normal. Grow up a bit, take control of your own life and stop thinking that finding Mr Right will solve all your problems.

@TheoTheopolis23

Thanks for your post.

No, we hadn't slept together yet although we got the to stage where it was mentioned a few times.

Yes, he met my son but only bcos that's how I met him (he's my SIL's neighbour and I take my son there so he can see his cousin.)

He hasn't been in my home, and wouldn't for a very long time, as I still live with my mum

A part of me knows it's not over for me just because I'm a young single mum. I guess it's just all my circle of friends from school have done things the 'textbook' way: saving up, buying a house with a mortgage, will probably be engaged soon etc.

“Strange that a 20 year old man is still living with Mummy and doing what is effectively babysitting for a neighbour. He sounds VERY immature and childish.”

Neither of those things are ‘immature and childish’. They are perfectly normal.

I don’t know what planet you live on @user1497207191 ? One where all 20 year old lads own their own home and can’t knock a ball about with a neighbour’s kid? ‘Living with mummy’ is a snidey way to talk about any young person still living at home.