Regretting my divorce...

[Comeandsee53]

This isn't intended to be a pity post but I'm really struggling to understand why I continue to feel this way and how I can move past it...

To cut a long story short, I was married to my ex husband for 7 years (together 12) and we have a DD who is now 10. We divorced 4 years ago now when DD was 6. The last 2 years into our marriage I changed completely as a person due to significant weight loss, and I was going out with friends a lot, gym, events that kind of thing as I felt like I had a new lease of life. My ex wanted the family life but I was just blindsided by this new feeling at the time and looking back now I realise how appallingly I treated him...He told me he'd had enough of my behaviour (at this point I was just never home) and he didn't feel like I wanted to be in the marriage anyway and he left. He continued to see DD obviously.

At the time I thought that was too what I wanted. Ex moved on quickly and has been with new partner for 3.5 years now and he seems to have an amazing life. I have had a few partners but both haven't worked out (cheating, just generally treated me poorly) and now I'm beginning to regret my actions all those years ago. I feel like those 'party' days, albeit came later on in my life, are past me and I now want what my ex used to tell me he wanted for our life. I know this is such a cliché but it's true. I accepted my fate but recently over the past few months I have a strong desire to message my ex and tell him all this, apologise and just see what he says, but I know it's probably too late.

My friends tell me that it's not my ex I want but a partner that can bring happiness to my life again but honestly after dating I realise what a catch he actually was. They tell me he should have been supporting me after weight loss and that he was just jealous that I had made new friends and was experiencing life without him....I really have no idea what to think about it anymore tbh.

What are people's thoughts on this please? Do I tell him?

My friends tell me that it's not my ex I want but a partner that can bring happiness to my life again but honestly after dating I realise what a catch he actually was. They tell me he should have been supporting me after weight loss and that he was just jealous that I had made new friends and was experiencing life without him....I really have no idea what to think about it anymore tbh.

And how do your friends think he should have been supporting you? Joining you on your nights out leaving your daughter at home? If he was supporting you then it was by being the parent your daughter needed. It's fine losing weight and becoming more positive but you still have to deal with your current life and not pretend your single again. I'm surprised he didn't take her with him when he left.
I think your friends are trying to make you feel a bit better about a shit situation.

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These were my first thoughts.
That his issue was that you were actually taking time to be yourself, not just mum and wife. That you felt good about yourself Wo him and that was just not ok.
But if course, it then all became about you ‘abandoning him’ and never been there.
See too the fact he wanted ‘a family and family life’. Maybe he could have elaborated on what that is supposed to mean? Mum at home always and never being anything else but mum/wife?

Having said that, he has told you he has moved in and wasn’t interested then in an apology.
Clearly, he doesn’t want to revisit the past.
If you were to open to him on those feelings, you’d get rejected.

But more to the point, I’d question WHO you think you are missing. Is it him? Is it the image you have of him? Is it a partner to share your life with or that image society likes to insist we should all abide to - the family (first or recomposed with step parents etc…) because women in particular are not supposed to be single and rocking it?

Seriously, I’m not sure it’s your marriage you are missing.

I'm surprised he didn't take her with him when he left.

Well being a family man who values family above all, up to the oint he’d rather divorce than staying with the OP, you have a point.

Personally, I judge people on what they do and not what they say.
And what he did was leaving Wo his dd. I mean he didn’t even try to have her 50/50 right?
And that’s not the actions of a family man…. It’s tte action if a man who 1- knew he didn’t want the responsibility if being the RP (knowing it’s hard work) and 2- probably didn’t appreciate to be left with more responsibilities than he wanted as a parent when he was married (because let’s be honest, it’s unlikely the OP was neglectful of her dd. Or that she wasn’t spending all her WE or evenings away partying)

I disagree.

He left OP. Most likely, by the time he'd left he'd already made up his mind that OPs behaviour was such that he didn't want to be with her anymore.

If anything, "settling" would have been staying put with OP.

I agree what have you got to lose (except the new gf will forever hate you but maybe worth the risk)
Then you'll know either way and can move forward x

Or maybe it will further damage stable co parenting relationship.

I certainly think it would be good to apologise for the way you treated him.

As to telling him how you feel absolutely not - doing that does not just affect you but it affects your DD. It doesn’t sound like he feels the same, and he seems content with a new partner.

You could be feeling lonely and looking back at him with a rose tinted glasses perhaps.

Why don't you ask if you can meet for a drink to apologize. I would definitely agree to that as I get curious and love receiving apologies even if I don't forgive/forget after it's v healing!

My only other thought is... what if he's not as nice as you remembered, he actually didn't support you gaining In confidence and finding your sparkle or it made him feel bad in contrast so ge started and affair with her and that's why he left?

He broke up with you and rapidly got together with someone else. These aren’t the actions of a man who was in love with you. I think you should move on.

He doesn't sound like a good guy sorry. He has you hooked and is bread crumbing you.

Men who are that possessive they worry about their wives going to a supermarket are usually cheater types themselves. I'm sure he started this affair then left you. He's trying to keep you both as options now. He'll probably try to start an 'affair' with you when she's boring post Partum saying he missed you but can't leave her while the baby is this small.

I don't see what you can gain from this.

He doesn't seem to want to talk to you about anything other than your DD. You risk damaging your co parenting relationship further when he rejects you (plus you'll likely feel very embarrassed).

It doesn't sound like you genuinely want him back. You sound lonely and unhappy that your other relationship didn't work out and you are clutching at straws.

Ps younger woman means easy to control especially when she is pregnant. Is he an Andrew tate fan?

@killwithkindness123

Don’t worry, he’ll start on the new woman soon enough.
He sounds pathologically jealous , frankly. All too often that ends in more than hard words.

I hope you can find a better life, and a better friend than this man

Where does it say he doesn't have her 50/50? You're just making stuff up to justify him being in the wrong, despite OP being very honest in her post that she checked out of family life entirely – she actually said 'at this point I was just never home'.

For two years.

But yeah it's his fault for not supporting her. 🙄

You are ready for a different life stage now & that's fine but your exH is definitely not interested @Comeandsee53 your life together is in the past. Move forward happily.

Haven't you already been selfish enough? Leave him alone.

This scenario is very common amongst those who go for weight loss surgery. They find a 'new them' and loads of confidence which is great, but it often goes south when they begin receiving attention and want more and more. I've read lots of people's stories who say it's simultaneously the best and worst thing they've done.

But this is pure speculation! Possibly not wise to give advice on the basis of it.

That his issue was that you were actually taking time to be yourself, not just mum and wife.
Perhaps his issue was that she was out being herself and nor being mum or wife, she says herself she was never home.

And what he did was leaving Wo his dd. I mean he didn’t even try to have her 50/50 right?
I must have missed the bit about not trying to have her 50/50 all I got was their sole contact these days was about dd. Did she mention 50/50 or did you just throw it in for effect.

With the speed that he got together with the OW have you considered that he may have been the one cheating and was deflecting on you?

I would give the apology that was mentioned early in the thread.

then wait a bit. Then if you feel it’s your chance tell him

imo you’ve got nothing to lose the worst he can do is say no

Riiiiggghttt, because it's ALWAYS the man's fault. Even though OP has said she was never at home and that this went on for two years.

The OW?

Op says they divorced 4 years ago. He has been with his girlfriend for 3.5 years. It was 6 months after the actual divorce.

How is that ‘at speed’? Even if it was 6 months after the split, but before the divorce that’s not ridiculously fast either.

Fuck me, even when a woman says ‘I was never home’, despite having a child, it’s still his fault the marriage breaks up? He must have been cheating?

It’s amazing that for some people it must be the man who s at fault. If the facts don’t support that they can ask up their own facts!

This is just total speculation based on nothing!