Regretting my divorce...

[Comeandsee53]

This isn't intended to be a pity post but I'm really struggling to understand why I continue to feel this way and how I can move past it...

To cut a long story short, I was married to my ex husband for 7 years (together 12) and we have a DD who is now 10. We divorced 4 years ago now when DD was 6. The last 2 years into our marriage I changed completely as a person due to significant weight loss, and I was going out with friends a lot, gym, events that kind of thing as I felt like I had a new lease of life. My ex wanted the family life but I was just blindsided by this new feeling at the time and looking back now I realise how appallingly I treated him...He told me he'd had enough of my behaviour (at this point I was just never home) and he didn't feel like I wanted to be in the marriage anyway and he left. He continued to see DD obviously.

At the time I thought that was too what I wanted. Ex moved on quickly and has been with new partner for 3.5 years now and he seems to have an amazing life. I have had a few partners but both haven't worked out (cheating, just generally treated me poorly) and now I'm beginning to regret my actions all those years ago. I feel like those 'party' days, albeit came later on in my life, are past me and I now want what my ex used to tell me he wanted for our life. I know this is such a cliché but it's true. I accepted my fate but recently over the past few months I have a strong desire to message my ex and tell him all this, apologise and just see what he says, but I know it's probably too late.

My friends tell me that it's not my ex I want but a partner that can bring happiness to my life again but honestly after dating I realise what a catch he actually was. They tell me he should have been supporting me after weight loss and that he was just jealous that I had made new friends and was experiencing life without him....I really have no idea what to think about it anymore tbh.

What are people's thoughts on this please? Do I tell him?

For many here even if it was 10 years later that he found a new partner she'd still be the other woman and an affair partner.

And those slating him for “leaving”, I’m pretty sure you’d slate him for “throwing the op out” if she’d left. Men can’t win in some people’s eyes

First wife good. Subsequent partners bad!

No need to be so unpleasant.

If he didn't want to hear your apology. He is going to have no interest now. He has moved on. I think you need some counselling too move forward yourself. You are mourning the life you could have had. You can't just suddenly have it four years later as you've decided it's now what you want

Suggest you take it as a learning experience and have it guide you in finding a new partner. Leave the past where it belongs, in the past. The relationship you had is gone. In all likelihood you will simply be embarrassed by any declarations, he does not want to engage with you.

Leave him alone. He’s happy, you’re only considering trying to intervene in his relationship because things haven’t turned out as you hoped with the shiny new life you left him for.

I think that it's fine to tell him you're sorry and you realise that you behaved badly - even tell him you regret how you behaved. If he doesn't feel the same as you then it will be obvious without you having to spell out your own feelings, and knowing this will let you end this in your head and move on. If he does still want to be with you then he should know that it's a live option.

How you've described him in your update - is that who you want to be with? Cold? Uncommunicative?

I think you are remembering him differently to who he is now, and to try and get him back would be a massive mistake.

Can you picture yourself getting home of an evening, and settling down to watch TV? How does it actually look? Are you happy, relaxed, fully trusting he's happy, fully trusting you're happy? Where is your DD in this picture? If you actually stop to think about the practicalities of this, can you really imagine how this might go? Not a romcom version where you run into each others arms, the but after that.

FWIW I think it's selfish, you're lonely but jealous and clutching at straws. Forget dating, being single isn't a disease. Do some work on yourself and be happy for him. Focus on your life with your DD.

A special mention to all the mental gymnastics on this thread to get this to be the man's fault. Mn at its finest!

I think when you are no longer with them you forget their bad bits. I get on pretty ok with my ExH. We normally have a cuppa and catch up at pick/drop off. Spend the big occasions together for the kids sake. But I am only seeing the best bits of him now, not having to deal with his shit on a daily basis. Sometimes I assume he is no longer like he was, but from what the DCs say he is still drinking, never wrong, never apologize, and quick to loose his temper.

I do miss the family dynamic. But a lot of that has become romanticized in my head.

Don't text him, focus on building your life and making it what you want. It's great he has moved on and happy, you don't need to feel guilty about your actions. And both parties always contribute to the break down of a marriage.

Selfish. It was all about what you wanted then, and it's the same now. You don't care if you interfere in what might be a really happy relationship, as long as you get to try and have what you want.

This was meant as a reply to a PP but I forgot to quote them when I replied.

They are not engaged yet even though and we were within 6 months...but then again I did try to apologise during a mediation session and he told me it was irrelevant as he has moved on and just focusing on the issues at hand regarding DD....I find him very difficult to read these days.

I know a lot of people have said you should still apologise but I really don't think you should - he has TOLD you that he doesn't want you to, why won't you respect that?! He has made it clear how he feels and that he is not interested in you, only DD - that's not being difficult to read at all!! Just leave him alone!!

Also whether they're engaged yet or not is also none of your business, stay out of his relationship OP! Just focus on moving on and being a good parent to your daughter, it doesn't come across as that being your priority right now and it should be.

I wouldn't apologise. I'd imagine the way that he sees it (if he's happy with his life now) is that you've done him a favour.

I struggle look my EXDH in the eye, not because I'm still harboring feelings - it's because I dislike what he became and I have no interest in him.

If either mine or DPs ex's apologised we would find it highly amusing and a little embarrassing (for them).

Just leave it OP and focus on developing your own situation.