Regretting my divorce...

[Comeandsee53]

This isn't intended to be a pity post but I'm really struggling to understand why I continue to feel this way and how I can move past it...

To cut a long story short, I was married to my ex husband for 7 years (together 12) and we have a DD who is now 10. We divorced 4 years ago now when DD was 6. The last 2 years into our marriage I changed completely as a person due to significant weight loss, and I was going out with friends a lot, gym, events that kind of thing as I felt like I had a new lease of life. My ex wanted the family life but I was just blindsided by this new feeling at the time and looking back now I realise how appallingly I treated him...He told me he'd had enough of my behaviour (at this point I was just never home) and he didn't feel like I wanted to be in the marriage anyway and he left. He continued to see DD obviously.

At the time I thought that was too what I wanted. Ex moved on quickly and has been with new partner for 3.5 years now and he seems to have an amazing life. I have had a few partners but both haven't worked out (cheating, just generally treated me poorly) and now I'm beginning to regret my actions all those years ago. I feel like those 'party' days, albeit came later on in my life, are past me and I now want what my ex used to tell me he wanted for our life. I know this is such a cliché but it's true. I accepted my fate but recently over the past few months I have a strong desire to message my ex and tell him all this, apologise and just see what he says, but I know it's probably too late.

My friends tell me that it's not my ex I want but a partner that can bring happiness to my life again but honestly after dating I realise what a catch he actually was. They tell me he should have been supporting me after weight loss and that he was just jealous that I had made new friends and was experiencing life without him....I really have no idea what to think about it anymore tbh.

What are people's thoughts on this please? Do I tell him?

Deranged idea! You neglected him and your family life, he left you, he's happily settled with someone else - how selfish can you be to think you should drop a bombshell like that on him? I imagine he would laugh in your face. You couldn't maintain the relationship back then, what makes you think you'd actually make the effort now either? He deserved better and you will meet the right person - one who you actually want those things with when you have them, and not four years later!

I don't think there is any harm in telling him you are sorry for acting like an arsehole towards him.

But to say you are sorry, miss him and want him back is absolutely wrong and completely unfair on him and his new partner (who has nothing to do with this and doesn't deserve to be upset).

Sounds like you thought the grass was greener and learned it wasn't.

Find a new field OP

It's all about you, isn't it.

You can't just drop people then pick people them up again when it suits you. This man moved on a long time ago. He has made it obvious that you are unimportant to him now. I really doubt your apology is wanted, so if you decide to give it you are only doing that for you. Don't expect it to be received warmly. And if you are unable to handle rejection, then don't even go there.

Did you really behave that badly? Were you really ‘never’ home? If so you clearly neglected your daughter. Or, did you just discover something for yourself? Something that you needed as well as family life? Women rarely put their health or wellbeing first. Maybe we should do.

I think you are clutching at straws.

You’re still being selfish. Me me me is how all that reads. You wanted to go and have a party lifestyle despite having a child and husband waiting at home, you broke your ex husbands heart and now the shine has worn off your new lifestyle you want your old life back? Selfish.

Leave him alone, telling him how you feel is entirely selfish and only serves you not him and definitely not your child.

It sounds like the only reason you are looking at him through rose tinted specs is because the men you've dated since have been shits. If you had met someone who treated you well and you found amazing you certainly wouldnt be pining after him so yes, I think you are being selfish.

What it sounds like is: my prospects are bad, so I'll just try to reel him back in. Thats not really proper love is it?- he's basically only now become an option because you havent found anyone else decent. When you had him you didnt want him and now you're bitter that he's had his happy ever after and you havent.

I'm sorry but this all sounds incredibly self centred to me.

So you want him back because you haven't been able to find anybody else? Not really a great reason to mess around with his life, his partner's life or your child's life.

Your update confirms that you shouldn’t. He made had pretty much made it clear in his interactions with you. I think you have your rose tinted specs on.

No, I think you should accept he’s moved on and leave it, but not for the reasons others are saying - I think that because I agree with your friends that he sounds like he wanted to control you and have you at home with few friends, no social life and feeling bad about yourself. A good partner would have supported your weight loss and newfound energy to do all the stuff you felt you missed out on. What did you actually do that was so bad? If you were out drinking every night snogging other men then fair enough he has a point, but it sounds more like you started prioritising yourself and your wellbeing after years of drudgery and he had to step up and do more parenting and chores than he could be arsed with.

Not being awful but he isn’t interested and why would be be? You were never home and he’s moved on with a new partner a long time ago. You’re going to be left really embarrassed when he rejects you

No, you made your choices, he made his and it’s done. You can’t “go back” and expect to unwind the clock and live with him happily ever after. Too much history. You need to respect the fact that he has a new life, and not go there. He wouldn’t thank you for it I’m sure, as he has found happiness now with someone else. You’d just look like the bad guy.

The positive that has come of all this is that you now know firmly what you want. You are ready to find someone who wants the same. He’ll be out there

This is just fantasy. And as for ‘new subservient women’. Really, what is the matter with you? Massive, dysfunctional projection is my guess.

I wouldn’t say it’s too painful because he’s a man & they don’t really get hurt like women.

Hes more likely to be disgusted with you. Dh couldn’t look at his ex either, it wasn’t hurt he just hated her.

If he wanted you back he’d say so. Relationships are about being the right person as well as finding the right person.

Comments about 'control' etc are bizarre, if it had been the husband who lost weight and 'found a new lease of life' so was swanning off with his mates all the time and neglecting his family, everyone would be telling the wife to dump him! Just because it's a woman who did that on this occasion doesn't mean the husband was controlling or not letting her improve her health etc...if one person massively changes in a relationship and is never at home anymore then the other one doesn't have to put up with it!

No, you only want to say sorry because you hope he will come back to you. You may not admit it to yourself but deep down it'll be true. If you had moved on and had an amazing life now yourself the you probably wouldn't give him a second thought.

Focus on yourself and moving forwards in your own life.

Interesting what you're friends say btw, can't help but wonder if maybe your behaviour wasn't that bad and he actually wanted an excuse to leave the relationship, you said he moved on fast...

If you want to tell him, tell him. If an ex told me that, i'd be ok with hearing it.

Nothings changed. It’s about what you want. You want to cause further problems in his life because you think you might regret it.

But you only regret it because you partying days are over. If you still were enjoying partying or found something new to give your ego a boost, you would be doing that. Not wondering wether you should cause him problems.

just over 4 years ago you had a child and was never home? How do you justify that.

He gave an ultimatum, years ago. You didn’t pick him. It’s beyond arrogant to think he may still be hoping you change your mind. That’s not how ultimatums work. You don’t get to say ‘I am happy to give you up? Until I am bored with my new thing. THEN I will pick you’

I'm not saying telling him is a good idea at all but, my BIL was divorced from his wife, fierce custody battle and then a few years later they got back together and are happier than ever.

I'm not sure who contacted who first but it was weird few years for everyone, they are genuinely meant to be with one another.

I personally wouldn't contact him if he seems happy in his current relationship. Also, he will definitely tell his new partner and they will most likely laugh about it/tell others. If he's ever single again then maybe contact him then...

I wouldn't worry about them laughing at you. Me and DH would probably have a bit of a giggle, but it wouldn't be anything too sinister. Then we'd just get on with life again.

I think you're lonely OP and it's nothing to do with your ex. You're just lonely. Don't tell him. I wouldn't apologise either, I think you're beating yourself up, your friends know you and your relationship.

Throw yourself into life. Not men and dating apps, but hobbies, friends, gym, meet up groups etc. You'll find someone naturally and it will be a better fit for you than your ex who just wanted to stay at home and be boring.

You seem to be suggesting it was better with you because you got engaged quicker, but look how that turned out!

ever heard the phrase “marry in haste, repent at leisure”?

Maybe that is very much how he feels after being burned in your relationship and is just being cautious. I do t think that’s a reflection on either you at the time or the new partner now.

^ this

By all means apologise like a pp suggested, but maybe you are viewing your ex through rose tinted glasses? Would you really want to get back together??

Focus on you 😊.

Nothing wrong in apologising, saying sorry for the behaviour your regret.
I don't think you should rock the boat if he is happy in his.new relationship.
Sometimes we make the wrong decisions, hopefully you can find the stability and life you wish for. Maybe some counselling will help you unravel your feelings and help you move on.