Would you get back in touch in this situation ? (friend cut me off)

[BluebellBlueballs]

Long story short - close friend of 25 years, or so I thought, knows i am in to feminism (gender critical) although I have never tried to push any of my beliefs down this throat or be derogatory to trans people, I just don't think you can change sex etc.

Not really interested in people's view on pro trans/ pro GC so let's keep it away from the politics, but friend found out I'd gone to a gender critial womens' event in London (let women speak, organised by Kellie Jay Keen if people are aware of her). All I did was post on facebook that i'd been to the event and had a good time and met Kellie in the pub afterwards. Didn't say anything political, no statements about feminisim/ transgender, nothing at all about the issues. Just that I'd had a lovely day out at this event.

I feel very naive now as the next thing, he sent me a text saying he could no longer be friends with me as Kellie Jay Keen is a hater, and cut me off. I replied to explain that I'm not transphobic, i just believe in women's sex based rights and could we talk . Eventually after blocking me for 24 hours he replied saying he 'wasn't comfortable with the company I keep' and let's leave things as he feels very strongly about this issue and doesn't want a conversation about it. (he never has shown this before, we've discussed transgender issues in the past amicably/peacefully and he never showed disapproval of my view that woman = xx chromosomes etc) .

Anyway he's cut me off without a second glance and it hurts like hell. I'm really shocked that he would end a friendship of 25 years purely on the basis that I attended a women's event and met the organiser. He is acting as though I've joined the hitler youth or something.

Is there any point trying to resurrect this friendship either now or in the future. I feel like if he's not going to accept that I have my views and if he acts like there is something very wrong with me for being involved in gender critical feminism, without even the chance to have a conversation, then the friendship is in a bad place and I don't know how it could recover.

It's also crossed my mind that he was just not bothered about the friendship and was using this as a bit of an excuse to move on, but that doesn't feel like it's the case, the friendship felt solid before this. We have watched each others children grow up, knew each others parents etc. Met at uni at age 20 and been friends for 25 years and now he cuts me off without a backwards glance for one facebook post.

Gutted isn't the word, but do I just cut my losses? What would you do?

Sounds like he did you a favour, no I wouldn't try to resurrect this past friendship.

Doesn't feel like a favour - as in - he was no friend anyway? It felt like he was before this happened.

No, I'd leave it. I think I would feel the same if I felt a friend was aligning with a movement that I felt had caused harm to people I care about. It doesn't matter what it is. But if I felt someone's politics were so far in one direction that they were harmful, yes, I'd distance myself from them. In fact, I have, not re: feminism, per se, but people with various right wing beliefs that have been damaging to to others in my life. It sounds like you aren't compatible as friends and that's okay.

Regardless of the trans/feminism debate(which i think is a bit of a red herring)- no one owes you a friendship.

I would have and have done similar to your friend when I have discovered they have fundamentally different views on something that's very important to me.

That's not to say people cannot be friends with very different view points...

I think you should respect his decision and leave him alone.

I wouldn't try to resurrect it, he has been very clear. This is obviously something he feels strongly about so probably nothing you could say would make a difference. If he comes back to you in the future then it's up to you if you want to be friends again but for now leave him to his views.

Thank you - it is helpful to hear this. I am angry at him but I had hoped it would not be over forever.

Interesting that you thank the only conment that validates you and your views....

Hmm yet another man who is telling a woman what she can and can't do, say or think.

It took a long time for him to reveal himself, but now he has.

I could thank everyone if you'd prefer?

thank you everyone who has replied, your comments have been very helpful

Similar happened to me. I had “being born in the wrong body” mansplained to me.

I really am grateful for everyone's comments, and whilst I don't want to police the thread I think it has the potentil to turn into a trans/gc debate which wasn't really what I wanted to focus on, it's more - is this friendship dead in the water now despite being what I believed was a solid friendship with no indication my former friend felt so strongly on these issues before. I don't think it's the actual issues per se- more my participation in an event and association with high profile GC activitists like Kellie Jay Keen. He even said himself this was the reason - that he wasn't comfortable with the company I was keeping.

It is literally breaking my heart that he could do this and not even listen to my reasons why I went to this event, after being in my life so long. And all done on text too. I feel I've been left in limbo by him (although possibly wishful thinking on my part as couldn't admit it was finito). All this happened early May so coming up for 2 months ago.

@HistoriaSales Op, this exactly. He's a misogynist. It's happened to me. Close friends of many years. Oh the trendy "feminist" guys . Feminist ma arse! They just want us to go back in our box. Do they care about poor women in jail for shoplifting and the likes stuck with trans violent sex offenders in with them? Do they hell!! Men " identifying" into women's sports? Naw.
I am sorry you are upset. I was too. But you will get angry. Think of it as the trash taking themselves out...

He was never your friend in the same way you saw him, he wouldn't even extend the curtesy to talk about it first.
He dismissed you as his lowly female counterpart that he probably always thought of you.

So yes, I think he's done you a favour.

He's supporting giving away your rights. How dare he? Why would you want to be friends with someone like that?

You're better off rid.

The associating with feminists rings true. When I replied telling him I wasn't a transphobe he replied saying 'never said you were and the 'company you keep' line. So I'm entitled to have my views if I keep quiet about them it seems but the minute I gather together with other women to speak about them in public (not that I spoke at LWS but I was there) then that's justification for terminating the friendship. He's never given a shit about anything I've done in my spare time which didn't involve him before, never commented on fb posts before etc - but now this one post is the dealbreaker for him.

Wow. So not only do men turn up at KJK events for women to stop them speaking, there are also men out there who police their female friends private lives and think they can tell you if you have their approval or not.

This friendship isn’t a loss. You can thank KJK for helping you to quickly sort out the decent men from the misogynist twats who cannot think for themselves and see the issues she’s highlighting on privacy and safety for women and girls.

Your friend has behaved despicably to try to control you in such a way. Cut him off and don’t give him an inch back into your friendship.

I wouldn’t contact your friend. Without entering into the debate, I would have done the same as him - well, I might not have told you about it unless you were an extremely close friend but I would have distanced myself.

It’s comparable to other forms of prejudice for me, and I wouldn’t want to associate with you. If you’ve lost a good friend over it, that’s difficult, but your views are irreconcilable with his.

Different opinions are ok but there is a line where people don’t want to associate with people holding views that are abhorrent to them, and for your friend, you have crossed that line. I think the best thing you can both do is go your separate ways. You need to respect his viewpoint, not try to reframe him as a misogynist, when I presume if that was the case he wouldn’t have been a friend to begin with.

He hasn’t tried to control you. He has stated his own boundary. You’re free to do as you wish, but he will remove himself.

That isn’t controlling. Controlling would be trying to prevent you from going. He’s simply walked away.

Didn't say that at all - please highlight where I said she was wrong for attending a feminist rally?

All I was highlighting was that IMO the OP clearly feels she is thr aggrieved party (admitted she is angry)..... and thanked the comment that agreed with her, and called out her friend of 20+years

We only see a snap shot of their interactions here on MN, but I can't see anything in the OP that makes friend to be controlling or misogynistic.

Seems to me, he has a boundary, articulated it to OP and she can't seem to accept it?

But what the hell do I know lol