Would you get back in touch in this situation ? (friend cut me off)

[BluebellBlueballs]

Long story short - close friend of 25 years, or so I thought, knows i am in to feminism (gender critical) although I have never tried to push any of my beliefs down this throat or be derogatory to trans people, I just don't think you can change sex etc.

Not really interested in people's view on pro trans/ pro GC so let's keep it away from the politics, but friend found out I'd gone to a gender critial womens' event in London (let women speak, organised by Kellie Jay Keen if people are aware of her). All I did was post on facebook that i'd been to the event and had a good time and met Kellie in the pub afterwards. Didn't say anything political, no statements about feminisim/ transgender, nothing at all about the issues. Just that I'd had a lovely day out at this event.

I feel very naive now as the next thing, he sent me a text saying he could no longer be friends with me as Kellie Jay Keen is a hater, and cut me off. I replied to explain that I'm not transphobic, i just believe in women's sex based rights and could we talk . Eventually after blocking me for 24 hours he replied saying he 'wasn't comfortable with the company I keep' and let's leave things as he feels very strongly about this issue and doesn't want a conversation about it. (he never has shown this before, we've discussed transgender issues in the past amicably/peacefully and he never showed disapproval of my view that woman = xx chromosomes etc) .

Anyway he's cut me off without a second glance and it hurts like hell. I'm really shocked that he would end a friendship of 25 years purely on the basis that I attended a women's event and met the organiser. He is acting as though I've joined the hitler youth or something.

Is there any point trying to resurrect this friendship either now or in the future. I feel like if he's not going to accept that I have my views and if he acts like there is something very wrong with me for being involved in gender critical feminism, without even the chance to have a conversation, then the friendship is in a bad place and I don't know how it could recover.

It's also crossed my mind that he was just not bothered about the friendship and was using this as a bit of an excuse to move on, but that doesn't feel like it's the case, the friendship felt solid before this. We have watched each others children grow up, knew each others parents etc. Met at uni at age 20 and been friends for 25 years and now he cuts me off without a backwards glance for one facebook post.

Gutted isn't the word, but do I just cut my losses? What would you do?

Agree with Whippetlovely I'm amazed at people who say they would cut off eg Brexit supporters etc. I have friends who have all sorts of views, even friends who supported Brexit, and I accept they have different views and perspectives. They haven't murdered anyone. When we touch on the subject, it gives me a different perspective on life - although mostly we avoid that subject now!

Personally I am GC, but I also have friends who are TWAW, and friends who don't have any interest. I feel your friend should at least have spoken to you. The fact he didn't suggests his teenage children are having some sort of identity crisis, and it is just too close to his heart. In time, perhaps he'll reflect.

I agree with this post completely. It is one thing to not form a friendship with someone but to discard a friendship of 25 years without even a discussion of the issue seems really tough. It is kind of dismaying how many posters say they would do the same. I have friends who think differently to me on abortion, the economy, affirmative action etc etc. Some of them have made me look at an issue differently.

Now it seems we all end up in our silos of agreement and then demonise the other side. In fact as the OP's response to Aliceforsupper shows that maybe if her friend had engaged her in why he didn't think she should have gone to the meeting, she would have thought more deeply or differently about what happened.

It's not just about 'the trans thing' though @BluebellBlueballs . See my earlier post where my friend of over 25 years ghosted me for an entirely different reason.

You appear to be looking for an excuse for your (ex) friend's behaviour by latching onto someone saying that KJK is not a good person.

I think what you are saying is that my 'friend ' is a 'see you next Tuesday ' and I'm struggling to accept it?

I'm not disagreeing

It's hard after 25 years

This is so sad :(. It’s hurtful not feel heard by a friend and to not have the chance to have a civil discussion.

Absolutely agree with this. There needs to be discussion not division. Sadly people are so set on them being right and the other side being wrong and that is terrible for society. Your friend has been sucked into this culture war where they can’t even have a nuanced discussion. This is very dangerous in society because when people don’t feel listened to they turn to more extremist parties who do listen (or pretend to , they will exploit people’s feelings of exasperation at not being listened to). Just you watch the fallout from cancel culture is going to be a big rise in the far right.

Thing is, going to a KJK event isn’t exactly dipping your toes into GC waters, is it? She’s about as hard line as you can get.

Your friendship clearly meant nothing to him. This is so like the crap JKR has had to deal with. Adults behaving like children, throwing temper tantrums.

Thing is, going to a KJK event isn’t exactly dipping your toes into GC waters, is it? She’s about as hard line as you can get.
So he could discuss it with her. She went to the event. She wasn't speaking at it. I have a copy of Mein Kampf in the house, but I'm not a Nazi.

Any woman can go to a KJK event and speak about anything she chooses. Nothing hard line about it

Well, women need to be 'hard line' with the increasing shit we are having to contend with.

Yes we do need to get ‘hard line’ to try to combat the virulent misogynistic hate directed at us for merely wanting to protect sex based rights.

OP this friend has proved himself unworthy of the friendship as it was. He is a misogynist, and stupidly self righteous.

Sometimes it takes years - decades even - to really know someone. People can always shock and surprise us. As this loss of a friendship settles in I bet memories and conversations of/with him will float up in your consciousness and you will understand them in a new way: through the lens of who he has now shown himself to be.

Let him go. Discuss it with your other friends or even get some counselling sessions to process it.

If your friend has previously shown a willingness to engage with you regarding your GC beliefs, the assumption that he’s trying to silence you on that topic is disingenuous.

The fact is, you went to an event run by someone also known for being racist, homophobic and Islamophobic. An event run by somebody who associates with and has enabled white supremacists. The company you keep does say a lot about your values so if I were your friend, I’m honestly not sure what you could say to defend your being there. But I am a POC.

Oh give over. Talk about bullying guilt tripping the OP. She doesn't need to defend herself.

She's unashamedly centring female perspectives. She doesn't waste time pretending there's some middle ground as the rabid men's activists in NZ proved.

I'm starting to think this thread was started to try to discredit KJK rather than present a real problem. The lazy slurs of those criticising on here suggest there's been a call put out to the TRA hive mind.

OP, "your silence will not protect you". If you are real, you need to stick to your guns. This issue is demolishing women's rights. Note how your male friend is comfortable taking the side of men's rights on this.

I don't need to stick to any guns when my mental health is at stake thank you very much.

I've already had to go back on anti depressants and get counselling cos of this
Not to derail, but it triggered massive abandonment issues which I have been dealing with since childhood. So please don't tell me I need to be open about my beliefs after I have been through this experience.

I'm starting to think this thread was started to try to discredit KJK rather than present a real problem. The lazy slurs of those criticising on here suggest there's been a call put out to the TRA hive mind

Right.

"TRA hive mind"... good grief. People who support transgender rights aren't a collective who all agree with each other any more than gender critical people are. It's a spectrum. And just as I disagree with many of the tactics employed by the more rabid trans-activists, I have no doubt there are many gender critical people who are dismayed by some of the things KJK says, as well as her choice of associates. I have many friends who would probably err on the gender critical side of the line who would also dissociate themselves from a KJK supporter. OP's friend doing so doesn't make him a men's rights activist or a misogynist.

OP, I am genuinely sorry that this has been so hurtful for you and I hope you're getting some professional help to work through it.

OP, I've been in a similar position - not a friendship of 25 years, admittedly, but a friendship of several years' standing. I made a comment on social media about not agreeing with transwomen participating in women's sport (this was a few years ago, before some sporting bodies started waking up to the unfairness and safety issues) and my former friend blew up over it: called me a TERF, blocked only me from seeing a particular post she began so she could discuss my "abhorrent views" with other acquaintances; posted herself holding a 'TWAW' sign. This was someone I'd gone to feminist events and fundraisers, Hope Not Hate meetings, 'no to Brexit' rallies, celebrated the legalisation of gay marriage with FFS! I asked her by PM if we could discuss it, or at least agree to disagree. She then started threatening me with 'doxxing' me to my Stonewall-captured employer, at which point I felt I had no option but to block her everywhere, and regretfully accept our friendship was over. It hurt, and it still hurts, and I miss her but she picked her 'tribe' over me and that's what it boils down to. Society has become so tribal and so black-and-white, guilty-by-association, so tied to purity spirals that the minute you're perceived to have committed 'wrongthink' you're out.

So unfortunately no, I don't think there's any point in trying to make contact with your friend.

I wasn't aware you had mental health, abandonment or any other issues, what with not being telepathic.

All that has happened to you is the same story that many many other women have experienced on this issue - the silencing, the casual accusations of transphobia. No amount of capitulation will do and your cat is already out of the bag.

That's not to say losing a friend isn;'t painful - but to be honest if he could do that to you with no discussion possible, then he is a dick.

Thank you for sharing your story. It's horrible what the prevailing culture has become and I know I'm not the only one going through this from my new terf friends many of whom have similar stories.

I see it as a potential form of bullying and moral superiority/power tripping for some people (not all people who don't agree with the GC position before I get flamed)

I hope one day both your former friend and my former friend realise that they have missed out on friendship for the sake of this cancel culture mentality.

I think that when you cross over a red line issue for a person this can and does happen. People cut off their entire family over religious beliefs or such like and gender ideology cannot be real because it is founded in a system of beliefs that do not fit with reason or biological facts so this is something very similar. You must be devastated through it is incredibly hurtful.

As a female I have walked away from people who’s view massively differ from mine as it’s a boundary I have as I got fed up in my early 40’s of ‘not rocking the boat’ and having to
ignore friends views and behaviours that I found abhorrent.

The one that likes a few extra drinks in country pubs and drives home as it’s ‘only country roads and 5 minutes home’ - oh it’s just how she is etc. no.

the one who spouted racist rhetoric during the Black Lives Matter movement. Yet happily went out friends with mixed race families who weren’t happy - but no one wanted to challenge them and rock the boat. No.

Im just done pretending I can ignore things that go against my values so much.

me dumping them as a friend isn’t controlling. It’s managing my boundaries and standing by my views and beliefs.

honestly I’d have dumped you as well. So it’s not a man trying to control you. It’s simply people feeling your views and beliefs are far too different to their own to form a compatible and real friendship on any level. I’d respect him for being open about his beliefs with you.

Google her and you’ll find out. Woman’s Place UK, another GC organisation, refused to work with her years ago over islamophobic tweets. She’s also very pally with ultra Christian anti abortion organisations in the US and has advocated for armed men entering women’s toilets to “protect” people from trans people, among other things. If many organisations and people who are GC find her abhorrent that speaks volumes.

He has made his decision so I’m afraid you have to accept it. If he can discard you after 25 years like this he sadly doesn’t value or respect you.