Would you get back in touch in this situation ? (friend cut me off)

[BluebellBlueballs]

Long story short - close friend of 25 years, or so I thought, knows i am in to feminism (gender critical) although I have never tried to push any of my beliefs down this throat or be derogatory to trans people, I just don't think you can change sex etc.

Not really interested in people's view on pro trans/ pro GC so let's keep it away from the politics, but friend found out I'd gone to a gender critial womens' event in London (let women speak, organised by Kellie Jay Keen if people are aware of her). All I did was post on facebook that i'd been to the event and had a good time and met Kellie in the pub afterwards. Didn't say anything political, no statements about feminisim/ transgender, nothing at all about the issues. Just that I'd had a lovely day out at this event.

I feel very naive now as the next thing, he sent me a text saying he could no longer be friends with me as Kellie Jay Keen is a hater, and cut me off. I replied to explain that I'm not transphobic, i just believe in women's sex based rights and could we talk . Eventually after blocking me for 24 hours he replied saying he 'wasn't comfortable with the company I keep' and let's leave things as he feels very strongly about this issue and doesn't want a conversation about it. (he never has shown this before, we've discussed transgender issues in the past amicably/peacefully and he never showed disapproval of my view that woman = xx chromosomes etc) .

Anyway he's cut me off without a second glance and it hurts like hell. I'm really shocked that he would end a friendship of 25 years purely on the basis that I attended a women's event and met the organiser. He is acting as though I've joined the hitler youth or something.

Is there any point trying to resurrect this friendship either now or in the future. I feel like if he's not going to accept that I have my views and if he acts like there is something very wrong with me for being involved in gender critical feminism, without even the chance to have a conversation, then the friendship is in a bad place and I don't know how it could recover.

It's also crossed my mind that he was just not bothered about the friendship and was using this as a bit of an excuse to move on, but that doesn't feel like it's the case, the friendship felt solid before this. We have watched each others children grow up, knew each others parents etc. Met at uni at age 20 and been friends for 25 years and now he cuts me off without a backwards glance for one facebook post.

Gutted isn't the word, but do I just cut my losses? What would you do?

Again you seem to be reading far more into the op than I am seeing.

Just my opinion

Who said he isn’t respecting hers? He is removing himself. It isn’t one way, but op is the one trying to change someone else’s mind about their boundary.

It’s not a feminist rights rally. It’s an anti-transgender rights rally.

One exists to promote the rights of an oppressed minority, the other, the opposite.

Stepping away as the op didn’t want debate, but feminist doesn’t equal anti-transgender, no matter how much a vocal (batshit) minority here would like it to.

Don’t be silly.

I just don't think I can make that judgement on that 1 interaction.

We clearly don't agree, so no need to derail the thread.

OP - good luck in whatever you choose to do.

This is sad, op.

I've never understood why you can't be friends with people who have different opinions than you do.

Anyway, your friend might soften their stance in a few months, years etc.

I'd give them a while, say 6m, then reach out and say hi etc.

I don't believe someone is worth chucking away over one fall out.

But do leave a while.

We dumped a few friends over their views and votes for Brexit. So similar. No regrets. You should leave it. He doesn't want a friendship with someone with your views, and that's his choice.

It's also crossed my mind that he was just not bothered about the friendship and was using this as a bit of an excuse to move on, but that doesn't feel like it's the case, the friendship felt solid before this. We have watched each others children grow up, knew each others parents etc. Met at uni at age 20 and been friends for 25 years and now he cuts me off without a backwards glance for one facebook post.
What about his wife, his DC, his parents? Do they have any comment. Have they cut you off, too.

Agree he isn't being controlling or trying to prevent op from attending whatever event she wants to. He just doesn't want to be friends.

Either way don't get in touch with him. He's made himself clear.

Even if he was controlling and misogynistic, then obviously I wouldn't contact him then either. So the answer is leave it I think.

Sorry - it's hurtful when a friendship ends for any reason, especially when you don't want it to. But he's entirely within his rights not to want to hang out with you anymore.

My male friends who believe TWAW would have romantic/sexual relationships with one and would probably cut out a female friend on finding out that their beliefs were really incompatible. If he is similar then there is no hope for your friendship.

There are a different group of men, who are very socially liberal and advocate for trans rights however wouldn't date a trans woman an their support is more along the lines of anti feminist. There could probably be some hope for him coming round once he realises your opinions needn't affect your friendship in any way...however do you want to be friends with someone like that? It's just virtue signalling tbh.

I am not British and neither is my DH (different countries). We made the choice to end friendships over Brexit. We're still friends with some leave voters however the majority of the ones who felt the need to assert their reasoning for it over and over despite knowing what a financial and legal mess it left us in, didn't last.

Lastly, I'm not GC so does that mean I'm a disgusting misogynist pig? So many posters spewing this hyperbolic nonsense as if you either agree with them or you're the absolute scum of the earth.....you're in the same category as the OP's ex friend. It is possible to be friends with peiple who have different views to you (whether you want to is a different matter), but not when you talk about them like that and go off on one ascribing beliefs that they don't have.

The OP has specifically said she didn't want a debate on this however so many posters are just posting GC viewpoints and arguments with no actual advice on the friend issue. Can you see why people are so sick of hearing about it? It infiltrates everything.

OP back

just my thoughts - I agree no one owes anyone friendship but to end a friendship of 25 years without the chance for even a conversation is a shitty way to end things and has fucked my head up big time. I accept it's his choice though and I agree he's not being controlling. Controlling would be to say 'if you go to that event again I'm cutting you off' whereas he's just said he can no longer be friends because I went to that event which I accept is his choice.

What I find confusing is, for many years he's been a vegan and I a meat eater and he's never questioned this, told me I'm wrong for eating meat or an evil animal slaying carnivore etc.... so why is it ok to have a difference of opinion on that but not this one particularly polarizing issue where lets' face it there is a massive cancel culture if you don't agree with a certain view ie transwomen are women

As mentioned before I'm not just a feminist but a free speech advocate and the silencing of women or indeed anyone espousing a different view including some male allies, is one of the reasons I was motivated to get involved in this movement. But now it seems I have been cancelled and silenced too.

I would and have cut off friends like you, and would have zero interest in them trying to rebuild things.

Right, let's set aside the topic and look at the real issue here, which is the habit of others suddenly 'cutting off' ties with very long standing friends and loved ones. That seems to be happening more and more - Brexit, the vaccine debate, trans stuff, and there are probably more. Regardless of the particular divide, you feel shocked by the sudden loss and I think your feelings are valid. No one can come in here and tell you you shouldn't be feeling hurt, sad or whatever. It's a long time to have someone in your life and then they suddenly disappear without at least a face to face conversation. That is very difficult. Maybe I'm imagining that this seems to happen more now than it did, say, 20 years ago but it does feel like a more recent behaviour and one that is subtly condoned, in our current society. It makes me uneasy and sad. This is completely irrespective of the topic you are divided over. And I'm sorry that you've lost a friend over this.

This. If he feels so strongly about it then you're not going to make him listen to you by chasing after him to explain.

Leave it. And consider that if you put information on social media you can't control how people interpret it.

Maybe you'll reconcile, maybe you won't, but you had what felt like a good friendship for a lifetime. Accept it and move on as you would if a boyfriend broke up with you.