Would you get back in touch in this situation ? (friend cut me off)

[BluebellBlueballs]

Long story short - close friend of 25 years, or so I thought, knows i am in to feminism (gender critical) although I have never tried to push any of my beliefs down this throat or be derogatory to trans people, I just don't think you can change sex etc.

Not really interested in people's view on pro trans/ pro GC so let's keep it away from the politics, but friend found out I'd gone to a gender critial womens' event in London (let women speak, organised by Kellie Jay Keen if people are aware of her). All I did was post on facebook that i'd been to the event and had a good time and met Kellie in the pub afterwards. Didn't say anything political, no statements about feminisim/ transgender, nothing at all about the issues. Just that I'd had a lovely day out at this event.

I feel very naive now as the next thing, he sent me a text saying he could no longer be friends with me as Kellie Jay Keen is a hater, and cut me off. I replied to explain that I'm not transphobic, i just believe in women's sex based rights and could we talk . Eventually after blocking me for 24 hours he replied saying he 'wasn't comfortable with the company I keep' and let's leave things as he feels very strongly about this issue and doesn't want a conversation about it. (he never has shown this before, we've discussed transgender issues in the past amicably/peacefully and he never showed disapproval of my view that woman = xx chromosomes etc) .

Anyway he's cut me off without a second glance and it hurts like hell. I'm really shocked that he would end a friendship of 25 years purely on the basis that I attended a women's event and met the organiser. He is acting as though I've joined the hitler youth or something.

Is there any point trying to resurrect this friendship either now or in the future. I feel like if he's not going to accept that I have my views and if he acts like there is something very wrong with me for being involved in gender critical feminism, without even the chance to have a conversation, then the friendship is in a bad place and I don't know how it could recover.

It's also crossed my mind that he was just not bothered about the friendship and was using this as a bit of an excuse to move on, but that doesn't feel like it's the case, the friendship felt solid before this. We have watched each others children grow up, knew each others parents etc. Met at uni at age 20 and been friends for 25 years and now he cuts me off without a backwards glance for one facebook post.

Gutted isn't the word, but do I just cut my losses? What would you do?

Not really
Parents have died
Kids are teenagers
His wife - well, it would just feel wrong to go to her and ask questions.

I'm sure he wouldn't want me going to his family members to speak about him without his knowledge. I wouldn't want someone to do that to me if I'd had a fall out.

I'm sure he wouldn't want me going to his family members to speak about him without his knowledge. I wouldn't want someone to do that to me if I'd had a fall out.

I definitely wouldn't go to his family (or friends). He's made his position clear and you have to accept that.

I have been in a very similar situation. A friend of over 25 years ghosted me after I received my autism diagnosis. There's no way I'd want her as a friend ever again. What she did was unforgivable.

It's very painful to lose a friend, for whatever reason, but shit happens and we just have to deal with it.

In time, you will come to terms with this friendship loss and your new friendships will become stronger.

Hm well if his kids are teens and he's changed his views in a short time I wonder if one of them is confused about their identity, and/or suffering with poor mental health (often seems to go together) and it's a particularly sore spot with him at the moment.

Man disagrees with women having sex based rights. Why would you want to be friends with him?

FWIW it is also not fair at all to claim that somebody finding your opinions unsavoury and separating themselves from you is "silencing". It seems to come up a lot but at the end of the day, you should have courage in your convictions and move through life accordingly.
Tell that to Maya Forstater, Kathleen Stock et al who lost their jobs because of their convictions. And tell it to the thousands of ordinary women who work for 'captured' institutions who daren't speak out for fear of losing their jobs. Why do you think that KJK calls her events "Let Women Speak"?

Not unlikely he’s being very influenced by his teens on this. I’d leave it. If he’s never shown any kind of interest in what you do in your diary time before this - how good of a friend was he?

Diary time ffs. SPARE TIME

I always said I'd never do anything where i couldn't do it openly with my head held high and I suppose I didn't see anything wrong with posting that I'd been to LWS. I didn't say anything political or controversial, purely that I'd been and met Kellie briefly. Why should I feel I can't say this, I was probably thinking at the time.

Well now I know why. . Because I've been through so much pain and heartache at being ostracised by my friend that I can't risk that again. I now understand this cancel culture, it works by intimidating women into silence ( not saying my friend has done this, more it's the general culture these days). I call I woke totalitarianism.

I don't want my beliefs to be a dirty little secret but to be openly gender critical even if you think you are expressing your beliefs respectfully and not forcefully, you will be judged called bigot and transphobe and if you are unlucky like me, excommunicated by people.

It isn’t just being GC though. As others have pointed out many GC women have excommunicated KJK because she IS hateful - she is racist and homophobic and actively wants harm to come to trans people, rather than simply giving a voice to any legitimate arguments of the GC movement. If I found out someone I knew had been associating with Tommy Robinson I’d also cut them off - for many she is on par with that.

I'm not KJK though! I'm GC but I don't share all her views.
I guess I've learned the hard way that if you go to an event organised by someone with strong views, you are deemed by association to share their views.

This is clearly what my 'friend' has concluded anyway as the crux of the reason for cutting me off was attending her event.

On this topic, a lot of people are just becoming more aware and not everyone has come to a place where they can confidently state where their opinion sits. For me, I'm still listening and giving it thought.
What I do know is that I won't indulge hate in any form, and I won't be pulled in to a movement that has an undertone of hate, masquerading as concern for women. There are people taking full advantage of the fear around the degradation of women's spaces, which isn't a solution to the problem.

100% This is exactly how I feel, well said.

@TedMullins - perhaps you should tell the many POC and LGB people who KJK works with as they don't seem to have realised what a terrible racist homophobe she is.

You are giving me food for thought, Alice for 'supper'

I'm not a hateful person but maybe there is a grain of truth in my friend saying KJK is hateful and I just haven't looked closely enough or have assumed she's just campaigning for women's sex based rights when she has a further agenda?

What if my friend is right after all ( about her)

As a woman it is easy to get sucked in to the fear and vitriol spread by people who are homophobic and transphobic but mask their prejudice with "valid concern".

Don't worry, it happened to me. I managed to take a step back and realise who the kind of influential people in these movements were and what they actually believed, evident by their wider presence.

I will never again be drawn into the argument in such a way. Does that mean I think that single sex spaces should be eroded? No. But many of these people, KJK included, go many many degrees further than not wanting single sex spaces to be mixed. Naturally, when confronted they will fall onto this argument as it's the only one that it in any form at least a bit justifiable, but at the end of the day they don't want trans people to exist. Period.

OP, I would just let it go.
I have a ftm DC and I agree with the pp your friend might be involved in this world. Huge numbers of teenagers have declared a new gender.
I was verbally told not to discuss my DD with our social set by one friend. I never saw her again until recently. Trans people are frequently seen a deviants and that is utter rubbish. Yes there are people out to cause trouble on both sides and funnily enough my DC and I agree she is a natal female. She wouldn't dream of attending any rally. She also seeks out gender neutral loos.
Your friend is probably getting his head around a personal situation. If this KJK is a racist as stated up thread I wouldn't want a friend 'having a drink' with such a person. You will be judged by the company you keep.
Park it as a bad day. We all have opinions. I have fallen out with a friend of 19 years for becoming a landlord and a pompous shit at the same time!

This is the most sensible response. It hurts to lose an old friendship, especially in such a callous manner. In fact, you'll be grieving for a while over it. I do think people have become very intolerant of having friends with opposing views these days, and it reflects very badly on them to throw away an old friendship.

I'd leave it, though. People go down in my estimation when they virtue signal like your friend is. He's revealed intolerance far more hurtful than anything he's accusing you of.

Not a chance it would work. He feels too strongly about your stance.

From what I know of her your friend is absolutely right about her.

Please tell me more

Concerned now I've been backing the wrong horse

Is that true? I thought she was a well regarded feminist? If true do you have any links, I know I could Google but validated links would save time.

Whether it's true or not, the moral of the story for me is, don't associate with people who are notorious/ have strong views on divisive topics.

I've been naive. I'm now guilty by association.

Op the moral of the story is your friend is not a good person. To cut someone off after 25 years just because they have a different opinion is very sad. We live in a free society (apparently) if you want to go to a rally then do it. I have friends who are very left leaning on lots of issues and I am more right, do we cut each other off for having another opinion? Of course not, we are adults we are allowed to think differently we can discuss our views and agree to disagree or just not discuss it at all. Discussing trans rights when you’re out for drinks isn’t really necessary!

Indeed and most of the time when we met it wasn't even a topic for conversation.
Interesting how the trans thing has resulted in this cancel culture when , eg if he was into socialism and me not, we'd agree to disagree.

Interesting cultural zeitgeist.

Actually shorten that.

Interesting cult.

Nope don't bother, he's made his feelings clear and you have to respect that. Everyone has their own boundaries and he's respectfully set his.