Growing old alone (possibly) - seeking some advice please

[Strawberriesandpears]

Hello everyone,

I’m hoping to seek some good advice regarding the position I find myself in. I’d just like to begin by saying that I am not a parent, however I know that many non-parents do use Mumsnet, and having browsed many threads, I know that it’s a good place to seek sensible and often very compassionate advice on difficult matters.

I am an only child in my mid-30s and I think very unlikely to have children of my own now. I am not desperately sad about missing out on the parenting experience – whilst I probably would have had a lot to offer a child, I am quite an anxious person and have had a few problems over the years with OCD and also an eating disorder. Therefore, I am not sure how well I would have coped with parenthood mentally.

On the more positive side, I recently got into a new relationship and all is going very well. Although it’s early days, we do seem perfect for one another, and I can definitely see it lasting long term. He is someone I would love to grow old with.
But now we come to exactly what is worrying me – growing old! My boyfriend is an only child too, therefore I have not really ‘inherited’ any family. I have a huge fear about something happening to him in the future and being left all alone. I still have my parents at the moment and a couple of aunts and uncles, however that will obviously not always be the case. I haven’t spoken to my boyfriend about this as I’m worried that he might think I’m desperate for a baby (I’m not – even if we could conceive, I wouldn’t feel it fair to bring a child into such a lonely set up – I’d essentially just be transferring my worries and problems onto them to face in the future).

I’m honestly having such a tough time with this at the moment. On the one hand I’m super happy to have found such a wonderful boyfriend, but on the other I have this massive worry and anxiety hanging over me and it’s basically never going to go away. It’s affecting my performance at work hugely because I have difficulty concentrating. Everywhere I go I am looking at people and wondering how much family they have compared to me. I see old people out alone and wonder if they have nobody and that will be me in the future. It’s on my mind from morning to night.

I absolutely appreciate that not everyone has a great relationship with their siblings, but I think that if you do, it must make life so much easier. It provides that sense of connection that I lack. I am dreading losing my parents. When I count up how many family members other people have compared to me, it just feels so unfair. But life is unfair – I’m old enough to know that.
There is obviously good in my life. I have my lovely boyfriend now and I’m also well off financially which I know is a huge plus, especially in today’s economic climate. My job is not very fulfilling, but I do have enjoyable hobbies – especially around art, music and nature.

I was wondering though if anyone could offer some advice on getting into a better mindset, please? I’m looking for any good suggestions but perhaps especially around:

• Any medication or therapy / counselling which I might find helpful.
• Ways I might make more friends who could act as ‘found family’. Are there any particular groups / hobbies you’ve found especially good for this?
• Any examples of older people who are in the situation I am potentially facing (no family) who are doing well. This might help reassure me.

Thank you so much in advance.

I understand your worries. But it's about planning .

We have no children . We have nieces nephews and although we are generous to them they never visit . We have a big clean modern house by the sea so it's not hideous to visit we are v modern minded and give visitors keys and let them do their own thing.

My view is if they don't visit now then they won't when we are older and less able, less desirable .

So we plan to move into an easy to look after place when we get older. Make yourself known at local shops clubs physio cafes etc. so locals know you.
Have a good circle of friends with or without their own family . Friends are the key you will find loads once you retire and join clubs .
.
Plan to have money to move into cared apartments at about 80 ( or earlier)
Some have clubs library fun events gyms cafes a pool . You buy in as much care as you need .

I can't wait . A lovely restaurant to eat in daily lounges to meet people in lots of outings activities. Mist have a shuttle into the nearest town, or car parking , lively gardens , Fitness classes, hairdressers and staff on hand nursing and domestic.
Think nice hotel but you live there.

If you stay at home ( my dad is 97 my mum 88 both drive and live independently in their home)
You can buy help in , cleaning, gardening, home help , shopping outings.

You just need to plan .

Even people with children etc don't see them that often once they have their own families.

As you age you get better known at the local doctors etc . There is so much you can have to help you medically independently.

So I don't see what there is to worry about .

Maybe think about a relaxing retirement with good friends fun and support . Rather than the Victorian ideology you seem to fear .

Have you read the Richard osman books ( there are three)
Set in a retirement village? . ( they are no longer old peoples homes)
Honestly that will give you a laugh .

Ref depression. I think you may well be . Speak to your g p or research counselling in your area . If you have the funds go privately. Look on line for BACP registered. Counsellors . Read their blurb see who takes your fancy . I love a counselling session to help with the trickier thoughts in your head . Also this will improve your confidence anxiety and relationship.

Much love and good luck 🤞

I do some work for elderly people, most of them are widowed and live alone with not much/zero family, and I'm always soooo surprised how packed their social calendar is. They are off to this club, that club, lunch here then shopping there. Honestly they all seem to have a better social life than anyone I know 🤣 there are many ways to make and keep good friends within the elderly community xx

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4806453-old-age-if-dh-dies-before-i-do

There is some great advice on this thread

woolfie7
*Have you read the Richard osman books ( there are three)
Set in a retirement village? . ( they are no longer old peoples homes)
Honestly that will give you a laugh . *

this is a great suggestion. My parents live in a retirement village like this and there is always so much going on there, it’s hard for them to fit visits in with us. They have quickly built up a great network of friendships of both singles and couples. It is certainly something I am considering when older.

this overthinking you are having seems like the OCD talking if you are finding it difficult to concentrate on the now for worrying about the future. My nephew has had some sort of therapy to help with a similar issue of intrusive thoughts which has been very helpful.

I have adult children and myself and my husband are both only children. I can’t lie this is something I too have worried about. I do have a few friends and try my best to make potential ones. I now just take one day at time.

Kindly, I think if you are thinking about this all of the time, it might be time to see your GP. Anxiety can be treated very successfully with medication/counselling techniques.

On a practical level it sounds like you have a good financial buffer and have thought about retirement type places for when you're older. They have wardens who can check people each day and you can pay to have a very comfortable older life with carers, gardeners etc. A lot of older people have kids who very rarely visit/contact them.

Thank you so much everyone for all the latest replies. You are all making me feel a lot better!

@SarahDippity Thank you. I think that's very good advice. I think my passion for creative pursuits (especially art and music) will be invaluable in helping me form the friendships and connections I so clearly need.

Quite honestly, my life for the last 15 years or so (especially before meeting my boyfriend) has been quite empty and lonely and only now am I beginning to see how much I could be doing to make it better!

@weareallout Thank you. I am glad to hear you found your partner. I think it's all the more special when it happens that bit later in life. I wish you much happiness.

@Theoldgreygoose Thank you for your wise words. It is very reassuring to hear from others in a similar situation who are making the most of life!

@Woofie7 Thank you. Again all great advice and wisdom shared. It's a shame your nieces and nephews don't visit - your house sounds lovely and in a wonderful location. I love being by the sea. I'd definitely be visiting if you were my aunty and uncle! I haven't read the Richard Osman books, but I did recently become aware of their existence and that they are set in a retirement village. I think I should probably get into them. I have already tentatively had a look at counselling, but will investigate further, as I think you are right - it could really help. Thanks again and much love and happiness by the sea to you too!

@fourlambbhunas Thank you for sharing your first hand experience. I know it's silly, but I have been thinking that I'll possibly be the only old person in the situation of having no family, which of course will not be the case!

@SpainToday Thanks so much for sharing the link to that thread. Again, it's great to know that I am not the only person with these worries!

@clopper Thank you. I am glad to hear your parents are finding life in their retirement village so enjoyable! I will definitely investigate counselling or therapy to help with my intrusive thoughts. I am glad to hear it helped your nephew.

@LaurieBlue Thank you. It's good to hear that I am not the only one. Wishing you much happiness in life.

@Turmerictolly Thank you. Yes, you are quite right - I cannot go on letting the anxiety spoil my life. And I am extremely lucky to have such a good financial buffer, and one that I can continue to build upon. I am sure it will make a big difference.

Thanks again everyone. You've all been a great help!

There is some great advice here about building yourself a network. I’m a bit older than you OP, if anything happened to DH I would be alone because I don’t have children or siblings. I have hobbies and a small circle of friends, which is good, and I plan to develop these over the coming years. But as someone else has pointed out, it’s quite hard to plan/prepare for something that might not happen at some undefined point in the future!

@SpainToday Thank you. I am definitely grateful to have received such good advice and to be hearing from others in a similar situation. Wishing you all the best!

May I ask if anyone else has any advice or experience around this topic please? I was doing a bit better with it, but I have been reading a blog written by an older lady who is an only child with no family and she is very negative about the situation. It has caused my mental health take another nose dive! 😕

OP, it sounds to me like you are a bit depressed so focusing on this at the moment.

The reality is that even huge families can end up ignoring each other or all being wiped out in a terrible event.

Keep your life varied and you will pick up friends and good friends along the way. That’s all any of us can do.

Thank you. You might be right - I don't know why I am focussing so much on this at the moment. I do also know that I might not even make it to old age. That thread running at the moment about people dying unexpectedly highlighted this to me.

I shouldn't visit that blog I mentioned earlier - the lady is so negative and paints such a bleak picture. She talks about having had lots of friends in the past but not now. I wonder if her negativity drives people away though.

@Strawberriesandpears The internet can be terrible when we are feeling low. I have to avoid reading some newspapers because I think the stuff in the articles could happen to me!

@HarvardHarvey Yeah you are quite right! My life story doesn't have to be the same as hers!

This life, as far as we know OP, suspending belief for the moment, is the only time we have.

Try and use your body to a sweat everyday, this can be cleaning windows it doesn't have to be in a gym setting.

Visit somewhere new, at least once a year but just walking down a new local road once a week.

Find your passion/cause, environment, music, dance, cars, gardening, cooking, making clothes, photography. And do as much of that as you can. Go on protests, get involved with local issues and politics, find Facebook groups locally, nationally, worldwide and immerse yourself with others with the same passions.

Try and not waste your precious life, it will be over for all of us in the blink of an eye.

Was the blog you read full of regret? Bitterness? Blame? If so don't be that person.

Go somewhere new, locally this weekend. Have a drink in a new cafe/pub and watch the world go by. Make up life stories for people who pass.

Start small. It will grow.

Ok well, I'm approaching sixty. I'm an older mum so Dd hoping to go off to uni in October.

I've had a life transition recently as we were lucky to be offered a bungalow last November so fairly recently moved in here.

I was reluctant at first as it had mobility rails and I didn't feel old enough for it. However since developed arthritis and glad that I 'future-proofed' as someone said...I'm managing it, lots of people get it when they are quite young even.

I guess it is all about future proofing.

I'm fortunate in that having been a single parent, for a long time, I guess I developed lots of independent skills, became fiercely independent actually and could never rely on a partner - so it has been tough at times, at the opposite end of the spectrum - lots of people rely on their partner to do certain things i.e the bills - and then are totally lost when they die or seperate or divorce.

So I'm glad I've worked hard - to gain independent skills. All that stuff which is often very I.T. based - I know people here who can't do online shopping for example. That is always great if you are stuck at home for some reason.

I am fortunate where I have landed as the direct neighbours are lovely and it feels very safe. The flat idea with restaurant and social stuff sounds great but given how low the rent is here and the fact I have solar panels and great neighbours - something tells me this is my forever home, albeit I'd like to travel as well too.

I think it is easy to get scared about the next phase of life, but those who have said - you can't guarantee you will have a partner for every have got it right in my book. I might have one going forward but don't feel I want to live with anyone again. I'm also quite enjoying being invisible from the male gaze at the moment. Which I never thought i would

You are too young for the University of the Third Age at the moment but they are a good port of call, likewise gransnet actually - and there is a fabulous coach company doing days out and holidays - here - if I had all the money in the world I would probably go on every one. The women's institute I have heard is also radical, interesting and fun. Likewise plenty of people go to university around 60.

I might do that myself going forward, just need to launch DD first, a nerve wracking time until results day...

Do what you can for your health.

I won't be 'empty-nesting' I'm looking forward to not having so much organising to do!

@frozendaisy Thank you. I think that's a really sensible outlook on life and one which I would really like to try and embrace.

I do have lots of hobbies and interests, but currently pursue them individually rather than as part of groups. That is something I could change. I love art, design, photography, music, nature and local history.

The blog I read is very focused on the 'unfairness' of her life, I would say. She seems quite bitter about the fact that other people have family. She is single too, which admittedly can't help. She seems quite unwilling to at least do anything positive to help herself. I should probably use her as a model of how not to live my life!

@Forestfriendlygarden Thank you for sharing your story. You are definitely right that maintaining independence and staying up to date with technology makes a big difference. I should have no problem with the latter at least.

I'm glad to hear your move went well and that you have found a nice community.

University sounds like a great idea too. I already have a degree but would actually love to study something in a creative field (which I did not do first time around).

Wishing your daughter all the best with her studies too!

I love the phrase ‘future proofing’ because that’s what we all can/should do. Build a network as best you can - friends, hobbies, interests, acquaintances - anything that floats your boat and fills your life.

I love the phrase ‘future proofing’ because that’s what we all can/should do. Build a network as best you can - friends, hobbies, interests, acquaintances - anything that floats your boat and fills your life.

I think about this often. The most problematic aspect of this is people - you can't bank on who is going to be around. I have worried about this from a young age too op (now late forties). I have dc and older dh but not much extended family. A few friends but no-one for whom I would be a priority. For now concentrating on hobbies/interests (things I can control) and hoping other things will fall in place.

Actually, it was someone else who first mentioned the word 'future proofing' for me.

I don't think they were considering people actually, so much, but more the infrastructure.

One thing that is important to me and many others is having for example shops within reach, a chemist, a social centre, a bus stop, a taxi company.

The sort of infrastructure that you can use to maintain independence. Even in the absence of people who will drop round and do chores etc. But yes, if you can afford a cleaner etc that is brilliant.

I'm in my late 30s now, single and childless. I'll probably never have a happy family now. Sometimes I feel the shock of it all, and it's like I'm stunned. I don't know if I'm stunned because it's not that bad, or because the loss is so large than I cannot emotionally wrap my arms around it.

So it's with empathy that I say that I've read some of your posts, about your mental health, and am thinking that you need to find some kind of peace within.

You've come back here for another dose of comfort, to fill that cup so you are not down or on edge again, but I hope you realise that this is only temporary fuel, the same as external compliments by other people will never truly satiate someone who has low-self esteem stemming from mental health issues.

Are you on medication? The issues you talk about are large ones that would upset or depress a lot of people and shouldn't necessarily be medicated away, but existing health issues or mental health issues will not help. Your post is making me think that you might be suffering more because of those issues, that they are preventing you from feeling a bit more relaxed.

You sound like such a lovely, kind, thoughtful person - I can tell you wouldn't have any trouble making new friends and connecting with people. Speak to your GP and see which local groups you can join, I have no doubt you will feel better very soon.

Although I wouldn't want to live close to noise or sirens, living close to a hospital is something I'd consider if I were older. I live close to a national park at the moment and I'm taking advantage of being able to live rurally whist I still can.

Actually this makes me feel better about my bungalow choices!
Hospital about five minutes away in a taxi.

May be difficult to contemplate when you are younger but getting older I am learning is about practicalities.