Growing old alone (possibly) - seeking some advice please

[Strawberriesandpears]

Hello everyone,

I’m hoping to seek some good advice regarding the position I find myself in. I’d just like to begin by saying that I am not a parent, however I know that many non-parents do use Mumsnet, and having browsed many threads, I know that it’s a good place to seek sensible and often very compassionate advice on difficult matters.

I am an only child in my mid-30s and I think very unlikely to have children of my own now. I am not desperately sad about missing out on the parenting experience – whilst I probably would have had a lot to offer a child, I am quite an anxious person and have had a few problems over the years with OCD and also an eating disorder. Therefore, I am not sure how well I would have coped with parenthood mentally.

On the more positive side, I recently got into a new relationship and all is going very well. Although it’s early days, we do seem perfect for one another, and I can definitely see it lasting long term. He is someone I would love to grow old with.
But now we come to exactly what is worrying me – growing old! My boyfriend is an only child too, therefore I have not really ‘inherited’ any family. I have a huge fear about something happening to him in the future and being left all alone. I still have my parents at the moment and a couple of aunts and uncles, however that will obviously not always be the case. I haven’t spoken to my boyfriend about this as I’m worried that he might think I’m desperate for a baby (I’m not – even if we could conceive, I wouldn’t feel it fair to bring a child into such a lonely set up – I’d essentially just be transferring my worries and problems onto them to face in the future).

I’m honestly having such a tough time with this at the moment. On the one hand I’m super happy to have found such a wonderful boyfriend, but on the other I have this massive worry and anxiety hanging over me and it’s basically never going to go away. It’s affecting my performance at work hugely because I have difficulty concentrating. Everywhere I go I am looking at people and wondering how much family they have compared to me. I see old people out alone and wonder if they have nobody and that will be me in the future. It’s on my mind from morning to night.

I absolutely appreciate that not everyone has a great relationship with their siblings, but I think that if you do, it must make life so much easier. It provides that sense of connection that I lack. I am dreading losing my parents. When I count up how many family members other people have compared to me, it just feels so unfair. But life is unfair – I’m old enough to know that.
There is obviously good in my life. I have my lovely boyfriend now and I’m also well off financially which I know is a huge plus, especially in today’s economic climate. My job is not very fulfilling, but I do have enjoyable hobbies – especially around art, music and nature.

I was wondering though if anyone could offer some advice on getting into a better mindset, please? I’m looking for any good suggestions but perhaps especially around:

• Any medication or therapy / counselling which I might find helpful.
• Ways I might make more friends who could act as ‘found family’. Are there any particular groups / hobbies you’ve found especially good for this?
• Any examples of older people who are in the situation I am potentially facing (no family) who are doing well. This might help reassure me.

Thank you so much in advance.

Yes I realise that however if you get to know your neighbours, you have more of a community feel. OP will know whether she's in an area with a more transient population or not.

@BatshitCrazyWoman Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Sounds tough. I hope your 'situationship' turns around and becomes more of the loving and supporting relationship you so obviously deserve.

@piedbeauty Thank you. Yes, you are quite right. Friends could make a big difference and I do have plenty of hobbies and interests to help me connect with people.

@Dacadactyl and @MagicBullet I don't current live where I would expect to spend the rest of my adult life, so it's difficult at this stage to say what neighbours would be like. Thank you for that thought though.

OP, I know several old people who have families but are very much alone. Their adult children live a long distance away, or just can’t be bothered with their parents, even though they had happy childhoods.

The happiest old people I know are those with plenty of friends and interests. Also those who are still happily married.

I hope you can seize the happiness life is offering you now, with your new boyfriend.

MIL has just moved into a retirement flat, so independent living in a small two level flat complex of 40 flats, most single occupancy, she is 77.

Since moving she has a better social life than us. There is a communal room which hosts bands, coffee mornings, coronation piss-ups! They go power walking in the woods.

@Ofcourseshecan Thank you for your wise words. I do have a lot of interests, so feel I have lots of opportunities to make connections.

@frozendaisy Thank you. That is reassuring to hear. I think a living arrangement like that could work for me.

Let me just be brutally honest with you, doesn’t matter if he had 50 family meme bets, doesn’t matter if you had kids with him, they would always be his family and not yours. Even if your the nicest person in the world, if you was to split up, his family wouldn’t be sticking by you over him, so the whole point is mute that he doesn’t have a large family, because it doesn’t actually change anything for you.

He sounds great, build your life up with lots of friends, good ones if you can find them, friends are the family we get to choose.

Don’t let this get you down, you have years to build a support network so make a start but no rush.

Thank you @Whattodowithit88 Full agree - I wouldn't really expect to have strong ties to my boyfriend's family. I think the reason I mentioned that really was just to note that he is in the same situation as me and would possibly be alone in old age too if anything happened to me (not sure if that is something he worries about though!).

Thank you for your kind and words and for taking the time to reply.

OP, I get bouts of anxiety like that, too. And I actually have siblings!
Your insecurity, feeling "different" might well be the real reason why you feel this way. You are chronically lonely! Even a partner cannot make up for being happy in your own company.

I strongly suggest seeing a good therapist who could explore this with you. This loneliness is coming from a very deep place inside you.

Hugs, I know this feeling.

Yes, we visited a relative in one of these places and came away saying we’d move in there like a shot!

It was wonderful, laid out like a hotel but with one-bed flats instead of hotel rooms. Cafeteria, library, television lounge and other rooms to socialise in. Lots of activities and outings available. It was purpose-built with seats in all the bay windows so residents could look out at lovely gardens.

Our relative never had a moment to feel bored or lonely. I think you part-bought a flat and paid a monthly fee for the amenities. I don’t know how affordable it was, but I think/ hope this sort of place is becoming more popular and more are being built.

It’s what I would like if I was alone.

@Rec0veringAcademic I think you could be right about loneliness. I do definitely need to expand my friend circle. I know it was a while ago now, but Covid didn't help. I didn't manage to see any friends at all for the best part of 2 years.

@Ofcourseshecan Thank you. That does make me feel better. I have had a little look at such places online and they do look nice.

@Strawberriesandpears this really resonated with me. I'm late 30s, married with siblings, but no kids and not likely to have any (by choice). I'm just hoping I pop off before I get too decrepit. To be fair, old age really doesn't look much fun even if you do have a big family.

I am widowed and definitely not in the first flush of youth - but my life is very busy indeed with lots of friends. I volunteer to do stuff and meet lots of people that way.

Please don't waste your youth worrying about growing old - it makes no sense at all!

Can't stop - just off out to a village hall trustees meeting - just one of the things that fills my life and makes it worthwhile. There will be lots of friendly people there and lots of jolly chat. I also run a choir, am chair of school governors, sing with a choral society, do publicity for lots of different organisations, run an arts festival, help organise local events ..........

I could choose to sit at home and think that life has dealt me a crap hand - but seriously what on earth would be the point of that!?

When you see older women out and about, on day trips and holidays, the theatre etc, the vast majority are in the company of other older women. Most married women end up widows. Few people with children have them on tap to stave off loneliness, they have their own lives and interests. I think in the fullness of time if you end up alone as far as partner and family are concerned, you'll be in good company. You can join groups and activities aimed at your demographic and as long as you get out there, you'll make friends when the time comes.

Hello @Strawberriesandpears I wondered whether you have spoken with your GP about your anxiety and mental health in general? I would imagine they would be a good first point to offer advice in respect of therapy or alternatives, including possible medication ?

It sounds as if you need to create your own family; make some new friends, even if they are not close friends, if you have a number of people to call on to have a chat, go out to an event with etc you will feel less lonely. And make sure you keep up with all your friendships and not let them drop off because you have a new relationship. I think I have made most of my friends as an adult through work but if there are clubs you could join to do with your hobbies, or a church maybe?

You may also want to consider your job which you say is not fulfilling - is there anything else you can see yourself doing which may give you more fulfilment as a career?

And assuming you have a good relationship with your parents and aunts and uncles - make the most of them while they are still here!

I wouldn't dwell too much on your lack of siblings as in so many cases people either don't get on with their siblings, or they are just not close due to the distance they live from each other .

Finally, you say you are 'unlikely' to have a child - depending on how your new relationship moves forward , is this something you have discounted completely ?

@DaisyStream That's interesting. I wonder if it is to do with perhaps moving to the next section of life (the middle part, as I am doing too) and feeling unsure of ourselves. Do you have any big goals you would like to achieve? For myself, I think that might help take away some of the sense of 'drift'. I think you and I my perhaps be grappling with some kind if existential crisis? If you'd like to make online friends and chat, do let me know.

@Mischance You are an inspiration! I am glad you are leading such a full life! I too like music and art, so think that could be something I could tap into and make connections.

@5128gap Yes, you are quite right - you do often see groups of older women together. In fact, just yesterday whilst waiting for my bus I saw something that warmed my heart. There were two ladies, one who I would say was in her 60s and the other in her 80s. It looked like they had spent the day together and were giving each other a hug as they departed for separate buses home. Perhaps they were mother and daughter, but I got the sense that they were perhaps just really good friends!

@ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea

Thank you for such a detailed reply. I haven't spoken to my GP but it is something I am considering, as this intense worry has been going on for the best part of 6 months now and it is quite exhausting to live with.

Yes, definitely I think I need more friends. I have quite a wide range of hobbies and some quite 'specialist' ones too, so I think this should be fairly easy to achieve.

I'd love a job in a creative industry and do have some relevant qualifications, however I think it could be quite difficult to break into. I'd also worry about leaving my current stable job because I feel that I need to make and save as much money as possible to support myself in old age (for example by living in a retirement flat which would be expensive). I could perhaps develop a fun creative side business though, which in turn might help me make friends.

I don't think I'd want to have a child now. I think if I were a few years younger it could be a possibility, but I think older parenthood is full of risks (apologies if that offends anyone - I know for some people it can work out fine). My big worry would be that if anything were to happen to us in our 40s or 50s or even 60s, the child would lose a parent / both parents and possibly be orphaned with no other family. I think that would be incredibly tough for them. I'm not sure how my boyfriend feels about children either - it's very early days. I get the impression he isn't 100% against, but equally isn't desperate for them either. And I think he'd have the same kind of worries as me.

Thank you again.

I’m the same sort of age as you and this is me my entire adult life basically, except for a couple of years with a boyfriend who had a big, welcoming family.

My dad died when I was 22 and I have almost no contact with my mum. She’s always been rubbish although I think it’s more inability rather than meaning to. I certainly could not rely on her in any way at all. I have one brother who has nothing to do with me despite trying to reach out to him over the years. Grandparents all dead. My aunts and uncles have nothing to do with me or my brother. I haven’t got a clue where my cousins are or what they’re doing, they’re complete strangers to me. And I’m single and childfree, so it’s just me and my lovely cat.

Boyfriends come and go, so even if they did have a lovely family who welcomed you, there’s no guarantee it would last. When I broke up with my ex with the big family, they understandably wanted nothing more to do with me.

There’s lots of things in life that you can’t control, especially with friendships and relationships, so while you definitely should go out and meet new people as well as nurture existing friendships, I would also prioritise learning to feel OK on your own. Feeling OK on your own is like this massive safety net. When I was younger I stayed in toxic situations because I was so afraid of being isolated. I know now that being alone is actually fine and I enjoy my own company, so I find it much easier to walk away from stuff that makes me feel bad and I don’t really worry about the future in that respect. It helps if you’ve got a hobby that you can get lost in both at home and socially. For me that’s studying (have made loads of friends this way so maybe consider a class in something?), playing piano and volunteering.

Also, if you live anywhere near me I will absolutely be your friend

@TokyoStories Sorry to hear you have had a tough time, but pleased to hear you have learnt to enjoy your own company (along with your lovely cat!).

I think I am pretty good with my own company too (I'm definitely quite an introvert, and being an only child, I have always been good at entertaining myself). I think it's some of the more practical things to do with old age which I worry about.

I do have a lot of interests which I could use to widen my friendship circle.

I will drop you a DM and tell you where I am from. Thank you.

I'm hopefully going to give a balanced view of what happened this evening between me and my dh. And would like advice from those who don't know us.
11 years together 8 married mid 50s . currently planning our retirement in a few months time.
DH had a night planned out with friends tonight.
Started off as two then four, meal and found out also live band.
I could feel me feeling resentful, insecure and jealous because he has such a solid group of good friends and when he goes out has a bloody good time and loves live music.
I gave a lift into town and instead of saying have a great night and see you later. I asked him why he hadn't just said from day one that there was a group of them going out for a meal and to see a band rather than me have to ask questions.
He got cross, said I didn't trust him and I'd ruined the evening for him and his mates.
When I stopped at junction he got out and walked into town.
I sent him a text to say I'd been a bit of tw@t saying what I did. He just replied - you're a b1tch!
That just knocked me sideways.
I said collect him if he wanted and if not would leave a key out.
his reply was - I want to be on my own.
I'm dreading tomorrow morning ...
should I be - feel sick to the stomach .

Sorry thought I'd posted on a separate thread - please ignore not sure how to delete.

Isn't it possible you and your boyfriend may decide to try for a baby in a year or two?

@Wysiwyg55 no problem!

@Vintagecreamandcottagepie I think that is unlikely to be honest. I am afraid of the risks of pregnancy and parenthood at an older age, and I would feel quite guilty I think for bringing a child into what would be a rather lonely set up with so little family. (I hope that doesn't offend anyone - I am sure some people have managed to make such scenarios work).

I think I'd be in a terrible dilemma if ever I had an accidental pregnancy though! I think I need to do everything I can to avoid that.

I think, and I mean this with your best interests at heart, that your happiness now is what you need to work on, finding your joie de vivre in your 30s will open up a variety of paths for your older years.

A creative outlet sounds ideal for you, like a community choir, meet-up groups for going to concerts or cinema or theatre, or volunteering at a local festival. Go to free art talks in a gallery, wherever your nearest city is. Plan days out on your weekends to somewhere you’ve never been. Walk or swim.

what sort of holidays do you most enjoy; what experiences in your past do you cherish, and can you find space to bring them into your current life?

I met my partner at 37 and both my parents have passed as have his. We now have two kids. I have a siblings but they live miles away and we see only very very occasionally. We speak a few times a year. We all find our own way.

I mean this kindly, but at your age it really is silly to be worrying about this, especially as it really seems to be affecting your life so much. I am almost 64, no siblings, no children, no parents, no aunts or uncles, one ex-husband, and one or two cousins who I am not really close to and while I think about growing old alone it doesn't actually bother me at this stage. As a pp said, you can make your own family, surround yourself with good friends, and please stop worrying - there is a long way to go before you have to face this!