Growing old alone (possibly) - seeking some advice please

[Strawberriesandpears]

Hello everyone,

I’m hoping to seek some good advice regarding the position I find myself in. I’d just like to begin by saying that I am not a parent, however I know that many non-parents do use Mumsnet, and having browsed many threads, I know that it’s a good place to seek sensible and often very compassionate advice on difficult matters.

I am an only child in my mid-30s and I think very unlikely to have children of my own now. I am not desperately sad about missing out on the parenting experience – whilst I probably would have had a lot to offer a child, I am quite an anxious person and have had a few problems over the years with OCD and also an eating disorder. Therefore, I am not sure how well I would have coped with parenthood mentally.

On the more positive side, I recently got into a new relationship and all is going very well. Although it’s early days, we do seem perfect for one another, and I can definitely see it lasting long term. He is someone I would love to grow old with.
But now we come to exactly what is worrying me – growing old! My boyfriend is an only child too, therefore I have not really ‘inherited’ any family. I have a huge fear about something happening to him in the future and being left all alone. I still have my parents at the moment and a couple of aunts and uncles, however that will obviously not always be the case. I haven’t spoken to my boyfriend about this as I’m worried that he might think I’m desperate for a baby (I’m not – even if we could conceive, I wouldn’t feel it fair to bring a child into such a lonely set up – I’d essentially just be transferring my worries and problems onto them to face in the future).

I’m honestly having such a tough time with this at the moment. On the one hand I’m super happy to have found such a wonderful boyfriend, but on the other I have this massive worry and anxiety hanging over me and it’s basically never going to go away. It’s affecting my performance at work hugely because I have difficulty concentrating. Everywhere I go I am looking at people and wondering how much family they have compared to me. I see old people out alone and wonder if they have nobody and that will be me in the future. It’s on my mind from morning to night.

I absolutely appreciate that not everyone has a great relationship with their siblings, but I think that if you do, it must make life so much easier. It provides that sense of connection that I lack. I am dreading losing my parents. When I count up how many family members other people have compared to me, it just feels so unfair. But life is unfair – I’m old enough to know that.
There is obviously good in my life. I have my lovely boyfriend now and I’m also well off financially which I know is a huge plus, especially in today’s economic climate. My job is not very fulfilling, but I do have enjoyable hobbies – especially around art, music and nature.

I was wondering though if anyone could offer some advice on getting into a better mindset, please? I’m looking for any good suggestions but perhaps especially around:

• Any medication or therapy / counselling which I might find helpful.
• Ways I might make more friends who could act as ‘found family’. Are there any particular groups / hobbies you’ve found especially good for this?
• Any examples of older people who are in the situation I am potentially facing (no family) who are doing well. This might help reassure me.

Thank you so much in advance.

Just wondering if you have been assessed for autism, as OCD and eating disorder often run alongside it. Your daily preoccupation with loneliness in old age makes me wonder this.
I say this as someone autistic who has OCD, eating disorder and worries about death every day.

I don't know if it's already been mentioned but a lot of people find comfort in the church , it's there for life .

Good point G.
It is a point of sadness in our immediate community that we actually don't have a local church.

Bungalows have a nice flow to them, the fact that everything is on the same floor. An estate agent was trying to persuade me to see a house that was spread over 4 levels!! It had no flow at all and didn't really feel like a house. @Forestfriendlygarden

I agree. I have to say it came just in the nick of time.

Occasional flare ups with ASB in the community but in the main peaceful .

Hello again! Thank you ever so much for all the latest replies. It means so much to me that people are taking the time to write such kind, thoughtful and detailed replies. I feel a bit emotional!

@SpainToday Thank you. Yes, I like the idea of 'future proofing' too. I think it helps you feel a bit more in control of the situation.

@butterflypark Thank you. Yes, you are definitely right that you can't be certain who will be around, especially when looking further ahead in life. Concentrating on hobbies/interests is definitely a good idea.

@Forestfriendlygarden Thank you. Yes, infrastructure is definitely important. I think for me I've decided a retirement village would the way to go because everything would be on hand.

@EarthSight Thank you. Hugs to you. I recognise those feelings of being stunned and shocked. I wouldn't give up on finding a partner though (if that is what you would like). I've managed to do it for the first time in my life at 36 years old!

Your words and thoughts about mental health have definitely given me some things to think about, thank you. No, I am not on any medication currently, but I am beginning to think it may help. Maybe something for anxiety. I have always been an anxious person (although I must hide it quite well as others think I am calm and quite chilled out). You are quite right that this could be the root of my issues.

@calorcalorcalor Thank you. That is so lovely of you to say and you have put a smile on my face!

@FlopsiesAngrySandwich Thank you. That is interesting - no I haven't ever been assessed, but I would not at all be surprised if I do have high functioning autism. Although there are certain signs which I feel I really do not exhibit - for example, I think I am good at understanding other people and reading signs etc, there are some things which definitely do apply to me. For example, I have special interest and notice patterns in things. I am a very observant person - that's actually one of the things I do enjoy about being me! I pick up on little things all the time and I'll see little details in nature etc that others miss. My boyfriend is like this too actually. It's one of the reasons we get on so well!

Eating disorder wise, I've battled with mostly binge eating and bulimia for 20 years now. People would never know this about me though. I hide it well. I'm very slim, but not to a worrying point.

I have also been thinking about death a lot recently. I lost my last grandparent last year and I think that was what brought a lot of the worries I am having to the forefront of my mind.

@Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 Thank you. Joining a church is something I have considered. I don't think I am a particularly spiritual person, but I do think that the sense of community a church provides could be valuable.

Hi OP, sounds like you are very lonely and focussing on this so much it's making you sad. I felt a similar way at one time in my life i lived abroad and when my
Friends moved back to UK I felt very lonely but somehow couldn't see how to change it. I think it all starts with change. Change for me happened by moving back to UK starting a new job. I think change in general and starting something new (especially at same time as others) gives you a great bond. Also motherhood brings new bonds with others ( I see your not keen on this idea but you really are not that old to have children! Some of my friends had their first children in their 40's). So my advice would be try something new.. new job.. new move.. new anything and hopefully it will bring you new bonds with others!

Thank you. I think I am quite lonely. I did start a new job recently, but just in the same place I have been working for a number of years (i.e in another department). It hasn't resulted in me meeting anyone new. I think work in general is quite lonely these days, especially with all the home working. I see a couple of people per day and that's it. I actually work in the office all on my own a lot of the time.

I think deep down I would like a child, but honestly I think it would be selfish of me because the child would have so little family too. I'd just be transferring my issues to them. Plus I would never forgive myself if they had any kind of disability which limited their life and was caused by me being an older parent.

I am glad to hear things looked up for you following the lonely point in your life.

Thanks again for your reply.

I suggest spending more time enjoying the time now, rather than worrying about your future

However, when you are older

You can rent out a spare room
Live in a communal property
Volunteer
Join the University of the third age or do college courses
Do sport
Join some clubs
Travel
Work full or part time
There are endless possibilities
Get a pet or borrow a pet
Try some new things, if you don't like them, try something else

The future has so many positive possibilities !

Why don't you make a list of the things that you want to do

Before you retire - start completing the list

After you retire

Exactly. It would be easier if I had a crystal ball. My biggest fear is that something happens to DH, we don’t have children, I don’t have siblings, so I would be alone. I have some nice friends, but they’re all married. I have hobbies and interests but none of these will fill the void that widowhood would create.

possibly the transition into old age is easier for single people, ie when there’s no partner to lose, so you’re not fearing that loss? Then you can build a network and hopefully the majority of it would remain with you? I work FT, i currently don’t have a lot more hours in the week for extra network building unless I hardly ever see DH! As I said earlier in the thread, it’s so hard to plan for something that may/may not happen at an unspecified point in time!

I had two family members who never married, had children or even a significant other.

They saw each other a lot as they were siblings and my great Uncle was sort of adopted by a family in Sweden, which he visited regularly.

He was a wonderful man. Even though he was my great Uncle, he kept in touch with me all his life, where I am no contact with my Mother because of childhood abuse.

My three kids have additional needs and won't be in a position to support me at any point and I have lost my relationships with my siblings.

I have a brilliant friend who was widowed young and we have agreed we will crack on with old age together if either of us needs help.

I have always been alone - trauma bonding throughout childhood means I can (and do) have brilliant relationships but am always ready and prepared to cope alone.

The relatives I had who relied on their adult children to support them in old age, aged very badly. It didn't look like fun for anyone.

@SpainToday Thank you. I was wondering if there are any hobbies or activities which you could take part in together with your husband? That way you would be spending time together but also making new friends? That is an idea I have for my boyfriend and I. For example, we would both enjoy volunteering outdoors.

@nobodysdaughternow Thank you for sharing this. Your uncle sounds like an interesting man. I am sorry to hear you have been through some tough times in your life, but it's really great that you have reacted to them so positively.

I have hobbies and interests but none of these will fill the void that widowhood would create.

possibly the transition into old age is easier for single people, ie when there’s no partner to lose, so you’re not fearing that loss?

Yes, I think this is possibly true. I see this and try to have independent hobbies and interests but as you say, it won't fill the void. I'm not sure what would. Work is good for this I guess as a distraction but chances are, many people find themselves in this situation after retirement.

I want to know how people can potter around all day and be content. I have a relative and a friend who do this - they don't volunteer for anything but seem to involve themselves in their garden/repairs/house/a hobby or two/maybe pop to a gym/supermarket or event or two and seem to need very little/occasional contact with the outside world (one lives alone) and yet appear content with their lot. On the otherhand, I seem to seek a bit more interaction and I'm almost running from the house when I am on my own. They seem to live without defined structure where I think it bothers me. Knowing that I could live for days without seeing anyone scares me. For this reason widowhood (likely as I have an older dh) and the prospect of an empty nest really bothers me. And yes, it is constantly on my mind. And I also try and make the most of now but it is always there in the background to everything.

@butterflypark my thoughts are so similar. I don’t think I could ever be satisfied with just pottering around, day to day, with very little company. Even now, I’m not great with unstructured time and don’t like too much of my own company. I just hope that if/when the time comes, there’s some sort of retirement village/complex available.

@SpainToday What kind of interests and hobbies do you have (if you don't mind me asking)?

I am into art and design and have thought about perhaps staring a little side business which might help build up a connection of people through selling at craft fairs etc. Are you into anything like that?

It's tough though, I know. Sending you big hugs.

@HugeArtPrint0ffer Apologies, I forgot to thank you for your reply! That's a great list you compiled and you have helped me see the possibilities for the future.

Now I don't mind a bit of pottering. But that's because I don't have much time to do that currently! It's good to make plans, very sensible.

@Strawberriesandpears i am being deliberately vague about my interests, but I attend a weekly music related hobby, a really friendly crowd, people don’t appear to mix outside of the weekly meetings but quite a few of us exchange messages.

I also go to two sport related classes. So I’m quite busy but still think I need more of a network in the absence of children or siblings.

@SpainToday Ah I see. Apologies, didn't meant to sound nosey or anything! That sounds like a good number of activities to build upon. Wishing you all the very best.

If anyone has any further advice or thoughts, I'd be very grateful to hear them. Thank you.

No problem at all - one of my hobbies is a bit "outing", which is why I wanted to be vague!!!

@SpainToday Ah ok, sounds interesting! 😄

Hello everyone,

It's almost a year since I first posted this thread, so I thought I would do a little update!

I remain very anxious about the issues I originally posted about. But there is some good. My relationship is still going very strong, and also I have a new friend who is in exactly the same position as me (only child, no children). We get on really well, so I am feeling a bit less alone. I have also made a younger friend at work (also an only child - we must attract one another!).

I am going to try my best to make at least a couple of other new friends too.

I still worry a lot about the later years stuff though. I have been researching retirement villages - I just hope there is a place in one when the times comes!

Hi

I can’t offer any tips re counselling but just wanted to say, please try not to worry.

I’m also an only child, parents left/died young, no extended family. I have Asperger’s so making friends is very difficult and I don’t have many at all.

My partner has siblings but nobody gets on with one another and it’s helped me learn not to envy people with families because not all of them are as happy as we imagine. Although, obviously, I won’t deny that the feeling of not having a suport network is scary.

Can’t offer any advice rather than don’t spend too much time worrying about what might be as you might miss what is. :)

Is there anything that you like and you could pursue to take your mind off wandering places? Like studying or a hobby?

I’m so glad to hear this - you seem to be following the same trajectory as me, and making more friends (it can be hard, and an element of luck is required) definitely makes you feel less alone. I don’t think there’s any more you can do to future-proof your life?

Thank you both @SpainToday and @Pigletsoink (great user name!).

Piglet - I enjoy art and playing guitar. I am thinking of maybe setting up a group for one of those as a way to meet new people. My friend does a lot of volunteering too, so I would like to join her on that.