Growing old alone (possibly) - seeking some advice please

[Strawberriesandpears]

Hello everyone,

I’m hoping to seek some good advice regarding the position I find myself in. I’d just like to begin by saying that I am not a parent, however I know that many non-parents do use Mumsnet, and having browsed many threads, I know that it’s a good place to seek sensible and often very compassionate advice on difficult matters.

I am an only child in my mid-30s and I think very unlikely to have children of my own now. I am not desperately sad about missing out on the parenting experience – whilst I probably would have had a lot to offer a child, I am quite an anxious person and have had a few problems over the years with OCD and also an eating disorder. Therefore, I am not sure how well I would have coped with parenthood mentally.

On the more positive side, I recently got into a new relationship and all is going very well. Although it’s early days, we do seem perfect for one another, and I can definitely see it lasting long term. He is someone I would love to grow old with.
But now we come to exactly what is worrying me – growing old! My boyfriend is an only child too, therefore I have not really ‘inherited’ any family. I have a huge fear about something happening to him in the future and being left all alone. I still have my parents at the moment and a couple of aunts and uncles, however that will obviously not always be the case. I haven’t spoken to my boyfriend about this as I’m worried that he might think I’m desperate for a baby (I’m not – even if we could conceive, I wouldn’t feel it fair to bring a child into such a lonely set up – I’d essentially just be transferring my worries and problems onto them to face in the future).

I’m honestly having such a tough time with this at the moment. On the one hand I’m super happy to have found such a wonderful boyfriend, but on the other I have this massive worry and anxiety hanging over me and it’s basically never going to go away. It’s affecting my performance at work hugely because I have difficulty concentrating. Everywhere I go I am looking at people and wondering how much family they have compared to me. I see old people out alone and wonder if they have nobody and that will be me in the future. It’s on my mind from morning to night.

I absolutely appreciate that not everyone has a great relationship with their siblings, but I think that if you do, it must make life so much easier. It provides that sense of connection that I lack. I am dreading losing my parents. When I count up how many family members other people have compared to me, it just feels so unfair. But life is unfair – I’m old enough to know that.
There is obviously good in my life. I have my lovely boyfriend now and I’m also well off financially which I know is a huge plus, especially in today’s economic climate. My job is not very fulfilling, but I do have enjoyable hobbies – especially around art, music and nature.

I was wondering though if anyone could offer some advice on getting into a better mindset, please? I’m looking for any good suggestions but perhaps especially around:

• Any medication or therapy / counselling which I might find helpful.
• Ways I might make more friends who could act as ‘found family’. Are there any particular groups / hobbies you’ve found especially good for this?
• Any examples of older people who are in the situation I am potentially facing (no family) who are doing well. This might help reassure me.

Thank you so much in advance.

You’re welcome! 🤗

Great idea!

Hello everyone,

But of an update, I thought I was doing OK, but lately I have been suffering from absolutely crippling anxiety again. 😔 I know there is nothing anyone can do it say to make it better, but sometimes just writing things down helps me a bit.

I wouldn't wish how I am feeling on anyone. It's such a painful combination of fear, sadness, regret and jealousy even (of those who aren't facing this situation).

I am off to work to now and will have a horrendous knot in my stomach all day (as I do every day). I will try to focus, but as usual my mind will be elsewhere and I will struggle. 😔

Did you look into therapy @Strawberriesandpears ?

I tried through my employee assistance programme, but it wasn't really any help. All that happened was that someone popped on online once a week and wrote that I wasn't alone.

I also contacted some private counsellors, but they said they didn't think they could help. 😔

Has anything changed in your life recently to make you anxious again?

No, not really. If anything my situation has improved as I have grown my friendship group. I should be very grateful really.

I think I just had a bad time over the weekend as there was some newspaper article about someone not having children, and the comment section was full of people saying how lonely and unsupported they would be in later life. People can be very cruel really, can't they? If their life circumstances had been different, they could easily have found themselves in a similar position. A lot of life is down to luck.

I think key to making me feel better is thinking about my living situation when I am older. If I could guarantee that I could move into the retirement village I have my eye on, I would feel a lot more relaxed.

I think I just need to focus on the things I can control, which are continuing to make friends, and making and saving money for retirement.

You can be lonely with or without children. Making friends and keeping an eye on that retirement community is a good idea.
I have always thought every woman, with or without children should travel solo, go to restaurants or the theatre alone, and not put her emotional eggs in one basket. ( not saying you are!).

Men and children could leave eventually.

So sorry to read your thread and to hear that you're feeling so terribly anxious again, OP. Some of the things you wrote really struck a chord with me. I'm a few years older than you, and also have no children and no siblings, still have one parent and a couple of aunts and uncles still alive (but for how much longer, who knows), and the only 'siblings' I have via marriage live on another continent. We do kind of keep in touch but not often, and it's not like I could ever depend on them for anything. Like you, I also can't help worrying about the future sometimes and how I'm going to manage, and I really get where you're coming from. Here's hoping that the retirement village works out for you eventually. One of my grandmothers, after she was widowed, lived somewhere like that, and it was great. Wishing you all the best. x

You don't need "family", OP. I have a husband, but that's it - he's the same age as me, so could easily predecease me.
But I won't be "alone", because I have friends - they will always be there, and matter more than anyone else.
As I speak, my husband is driving nearly 100 miles to help a friend with a recent cancer diagnosis, & other pressures (she and her husband have been friends of ours for over 40 years). It's what people do.
Cultivate your friendships, OP, and you will be fine.

Spot on.

My ex husband left me out of the blue. Now I'm trying to be responsible for my own happiness, rather than trust someone else with it.

@Lentilweaver Thank you, I definitely agree with you.

@Calliecarpa Thank you, I am sorry to hear you have the same worries. They are certainly legitimate. The thought of being all alone in the world is so scary. It saddens me that it isn't really my 'fault' that I have ended up in this position either. I like to think I am a decent person. I'm honest, kind and hard working, but yet I have to live with this horrendous worry hanging over me like a black cloud probably for the rest of my days.

It's good to hear the retirement village set up worked well for your grandmother. I wish you all the best too x

@Hbh17 Thank you for sharing that. Your husband is very kind to do that for a friend. I would like to be in part of a network like that - not just to receive of course, but also to give to others.

I think it's quite common as you age to have a few wobbles and uncertainty about the path you have chosen. It is the human condition. It doesn't mean you have made the wrong choice. And of course, being an only child was not your choice.

From a slightly different point of view, I’d say that job and financial security can, practically speaking, supplement what’s missing. If you have a full-time job, you’d spend the majority of your time working. However, if you’re not happy with your job, your mind will likely start to drift, and anxiety may follow.

I'm early 40s, only child, and both parents, all grandparents etc died years ago, so I have no family, and haven't for ages. No children.
It's fine, I have a great life.

I have lots of friends, I like my own company, and I love my partner, but who knows what's coming around the next corner - he might leave or die, I might get sick, lots of things might happen. In the here & now, the only things I have control of are making good connections and friends now (hiking, climbing, dancing are all great for this), staying fit and healthy, and putting enough savings aside that I can take care of myself as needed.

It does sound like you might benefit from treatment for anxiety/intrusive thoughts, and also some regular exercise (if you don't already), because the endorphins are generally good for improving your mood. It also sounds like you have the financial stability, you do have people around you who value you, and you're generally in a good place, so it seems to me that it's working on the underlying thoughts and your perceptions of life through these negative filters that's the change needed...

CBT works for some people for this kind of issue, NLP can also be helpful, or maybe even one of the somatic therapies like EMDR (to reduce the troubling images) or EFT (to promote self-soothing behaviours).

@Lentilweaver I understand what you mean. I think deep down I feel like I have made the wrong choice, although realistically, I've never had much of a choice in the matter anyway. I never had relationships when I was younger as I lacked confidence, and also, the opportunity just never arose. A lot of life is about being in the right place at the right time, I think. And certainly being an only child was not my choice, so there is no point in blaming myself for that element of my 'aloneness'. The only thing that stings however, is that that is one of the reasons I don't feel able to have a child myself. They would likely be an only, and would have no cousins, aunties or uncles. People might tell me that it doesn't matter, but in my experience it does. I don't want to selfishly bring a child into the world to 'solve' my own problems, only to leave them potentially facing the same issues 30 or 40 years down the line and having a lonely life. Someone needs to face the potential of being alone, and I think morally, that person should be me.

@whoamI00 Thank you, yes I agree. It would be better if I were more absorbed in my work.

@WrylyAmused Thank you, that's all very wise advice and I agree with it all.

Thank you also for breaking down how the different types of therapy could help.

Hi
I'm sorry that you are still struggling with this, it must be exhausting.
It might be that you would benefit from some medication to help manage your anxiety, have you talked to the GP?

Thank you, yes it certainly is exhausting.

I was prescribed medication last year. I took it for a while, but didn't really feel it was helping and I do worry about taking it long term.

Thank you everyone. I am sure I will be up and down again, but right now I am feeing a little more positive. I think the key is probably to be kind to myself. I shouldn't blame myself for possibly being 'alone' in the future. All any of us can do is work with the circumstances life has presented to us.

I don't think its something you can plan for or fully protect against because life just happens. We lose people, drift apart, they move away, we meet others, so no arrangements in your 30s can really set you up for your 80s. All you can really do is build the best relationships you can throughout life, investing in them all without putting all your eggs in one basket. Look after you health and fitness from now, this is so important, because a great deal of isolation in later life is a result of a loss of independence and ability to get out and about due to incapacity. Also remember, you're 50 years away and who knows what the world will look like. I never thought when I was young that we'd have so much access to people on line for example. In another half century the way we build and maintain relationships and who we prioritise may look entirely different.

OP, like me you sound very much an overthinker and that can be very hard to manage when you suffer from anxiety. Do remember though that nothing in life is certain and loss and estrangement happens all the time sadly, whether you have a family or not.
How old are you now and are you still with your partner? You mention you don't think you will have children but have you actually explored this thoroughly? Sorry if l've missed your reasons. To me it sounds as though you could definitely benefit from therapy to help with your anxiety, as a pp said there are many different types now and you may find it very helpful to share your concerns with an objective and supportive counsellor. Wishing you all the best, you sound a lovely young woman.

Thank you for this very kind message.

I definitely am an overthinker! I wish I could just switch my brain off, but it doesn't allow me to.

I am 38 now. The reason that I don't think bringing a child into the world would be a good idea, is that I can't give them any extended family. They would probably be an only child. There would be no cousins to grow up with, no aunties, no uncles (because my parter is also an only child). I just feel it wouldn't be fair on the child. The thought of being alone causes me such distress that I don't feel I could just transfer that down a generation and create a child who would have so little family. It just doesn't feel morally right to me.

I do think I need to explore counselling again.

Thank you, that's all very good advice too. I have thought about how unpredictable the future is. You are right - who could have 50 years ago predicted the internet and the opportunites for connection which it would provide.