Growing old alone (possibly) - seeking some advice please

[Strawberriesandpears]

Hello everyone,

I’m hoping to seek some good advice regarding the position I find myself in. I’d just like to begin by saying that I am not a parent, however I know that many non-parents do use Mumsnet, and having browsed many threads, I know that it’s a good place to seek sensible and often very compassionate advice on difficult matters.

I am an only child in my mid-30s and I think very unlikely to have children of my own now. I am not desperately sad about missing out on the parenting experience – whilst I probably would have had a lot to offer a child, I am quite an anxious person and have had a few problems over the years with OCD and also an eating disorder. Therefore, I am not sure how well I would have coped with parenthood mentally.

On the more positive side, I recently got into a new relationship and all is going very well. Although it’s early days, we do seem perfect for one another, and I can definitely see it lasting long term. He is someone I would love to grow old with.
But now we come to exactly what is worrying me – growing old! My boyfriend is an only child too, therefore I have not really ‘inherited’ any family. I have a huge fear about something happening to him in the future and being left all alone. I still have my parents at the moment and a couple of aunts and uncles, however that will obviously not always be the case. I haven’t spoken to my boyfriend about this as I’m worried that he might think I’m desperate for a baby (I’m not – even if we could conceive, I wouldn’t feel it fair to bring a child into such a lonely set up – I’d essentially just be transferring my worries and problems onto them to face in the future).

I’m honestly having such a tough time with this at the moment. On the one hand I’m super happy to have found such a wonderful boyfriend, but on the other I have this massive worry and anxiety hanging over me and it’s basically never going to go away. It’s affecting my performance at work hugely because I have difficulty concentrating. Everywhere I go I am looking at people and wondering how much family they have compared to me. I see old people out alone and wonder if they have nobody and that will be me in the future. It’s on my mind from morning to night.

I absolutely appreciate that not everyone has a great relationship with their siblings, but I think that if you do, it must make life so much easier. It provides that sense of connection that I lack. I am dreading losing my parents. When I count up how many family members other people have compared to me, it just feels so unfair. But life is unfair – I’m old enough to know that.
There is obviously good in my life. I have my lovely boyfriend now and I’m also well off financially which I know is a huge plus, especially in today’s economic climate. My job is not very fulfilling, but I do have enjoyable hobbies – especially around art, music and nature.

I was wondering though if anyone could offer some advice on getting into a better mindset, please? I’m looking for any good suggestions but perhaps especially around:

• Any medication or therapy / counselling which I might find helpful.
• Ways I might make more friends who could act as ‘found family’. Are there any particular groups / hobbies you’ve found especially good for this?
• Any examples of older people who are in the situation I am potentially facing (no family) who are doing well. This might help reassure me.

Thank you so much in advance.

Do you have cousins that you can become more friendly with over the years?

I have cousins, some are second cousins and even more distant, who I saw regularly in childhood but not so much after.

When my parents died we became closer I did have to put some effort into this such as phoning them and asking them round to socialise.

There were other cousins, ones I didn't like, who have not kept up contact. I think cousins can be like good friends with a plus.

Thank you.

Yes, I do have a few cousins, but we've honestly never been close. They are very close to one another (as siblings) and I can't really ever see them including me in that, unfortunately.

You have more family than me! I just think it is what it is & if you can’t change it, no point worrying about it! Well, technically you could change it by selecting your boyfriends based off n them having family! But you wouldn’t want that & you sound like you really like your boyfriend too!

There are so many what ifs & nothing is guaranteed in life. I know people that should’ve had good twilight years but haven’t (son died, sister died & daughter emigrated) & a lady on our street, no children or family but has 2 elderly friends (the friends both have children but one of them doesn’t have any living in this country) & the three of them are like family. We’re a lovely estate & all 3 of them are looked out for!

Things change for good & bad!

Forgot to add, I don’t have siblings(my sister died) & cousins live the other end of the country. I’ve forced myself to really nurture my friendships so I know I would have most of them in later life unless they die before me!

The reality is that most of us will end up "alone", and that's fine. There is a lot of pleasure to be had in quiet amd solitude. It's about learning to be happy with your own company and accepting that none of us should EVER be someone else's problem. We all need to take responsibility for ourselves.
On a more superficial level, don't assume that a partner or family is an instant solution - they're not. But do cherish and nurture your friendships, because good friends do make a difference.

Please feel free to join the childfree forum, where there are similar discussions running :)

Thank you StarDolphins. Your story of the three older ladies brings me hope. I think I am quite a kind and friendly person, so hope I'd be able to make connections like that over the years. Because I'm so conscious of what it's like to have little family, I am going to go out of my way to try and help the older generation whilst I am young too (I do already have some older friends, although they are not at the stage of needing help).

Ah, thanks JorisBonson. I didn't realise there was a whole childfree forum. I have come across some of the threads on it via Google in the past though and have found them useful.

Hbh17 - that's all very true and I agree.

Oh @Strawberriesandpears bless you! You sound as though you're really anxious about this to the point where it is taking over your day-to-day life. When I first read the title of the thread I assumed you were going to be an older person (say, in thier 50's/60's for example) who was single and facing the fact that it's quite possible they would be growing old alone if they didn't meet anyone in the near future. Then I read that you're mid 30's, you're so young! Way too young to be worrying about 'growing old alone'.
You sound as though you have a quiet contended life which isn't chaotic or full of drama from family etc which is so desirable for a lot of people with complicated families or family issues- I see so many threads around this kind of thing.
Try to stay present and enjoy the moment, the 'here-and-now'. Focus on your new blossoming relationship and your lovely parents. It would be such a shame to spend your life worrying about the things you can't change, such as your parents passing away when they are old (sorry, not meaning to sound blunt) or to be obsessing over the distant future when you are old yourself, and miss the enjoyment and happiness of life along the way.
In terms of making friends or more 'solid lifelong' friendships, could you try to to make friendships with like minded people who have the same interests as you? You say you enjoy nature, how about joing a walking club? If there isn't already one in your area you could make your own? Join some Facebook groups for local 'walkers' or something similar and post something along the lines of "I'll be walking from X to X on X day at X time, is there anyone who'd like to join me?"
Or look at booking a 'nature' weekend away (camping, visiting an area of outstanding beauty/a nature spot, something like that) with your partner? That might boost your mood and help you to be able to enjoy what you have a little more.
Do you enjoy reading? Maybe join a book club? An art club? Drawing classes etc. I've seen that adult classes/clubs such as painting are becoming popular and some invite members to 'bring a bottle' so you'd be doing something you enjoy while socialising and meeting new people.
You say your job isn't very fulfilling, do you have the time to volunteer outside of work at all? Charity work, girl guides, working with children/the elderly etc, you'd need an up-to-date DBS check if you don't already have one but then you'd be good to go. All of the above could lead to meeting new people/creating new friendships and would also boost your mood and maybe help with some of the anxieties you're feeling lately.
If you do still feel consumed or overwhelmed by this worry of getting old and it's negatively affecting your life though then I would definitely say to see a counsellor/therapist or even your GP to begin with as they could help you get to the bottom of why you feel this way and hopefully suggest some strategies to help you overcome it. You don't want to leave these feelings getting you down to the point of depression.
Anyway, I'll leave it there as this is a VERY long comment. Good luck OP, I hope you get this sorted and can live a little happier and more worry-free 😊

@MrsO3 Thank you very much for your kind and detailed reply.

Some great suggestions there - I am very much into art and I think I would enjoy volunteering related to the outdoors or wildlife (as would my boyfriend actually, so it might be something we could do together in the future).

You're are quite right in that families can involve a whole load of drama! I'm quite a quiet person and I definitely enjoy some alone time (again, same as my boyfriend!) so there are positives!

Many thanks again.

Your relationship could end at any point and then you'll be "alone"...you can't control whether someone will stay with you forever.

@Goatbilly Thank you. Yes, I'm very well aware of that and it is an extra worry. I guess I just hope that life will be kind enough to me to give me someone seeing as I'm going to have no other family later on.

Or the OP can carry on posting here.

@Strawberriesandpears i have the same fears from a very similar set up. And yes I do have children however, if my own family has taught me that having children doesn’t mean someone close by to have family meet ups with - on both my parents sides, siblings all immigrated somewhere and grand parents all ended up quite alone as they were older!

What I’ve learnt from that is that building up a et work around you, with friends rather than family is essential. I supposed that’s where church can be helpful too (but no I havent joined a church and im not intending to either lol)

I also suspect this will be more and more common because more and more people have one child or none.

I don't have kids and am single, most likely to stay so too. I do have sisters but am not close at all to cousins.

I do sometimes think about being very elderly, but I know several people who are in their very elderly with children and they are still completely on their own.

Either due to children living abroad or , and I don't know for sure and obviously would never ask , relationship breakdown. I also know of children only turning up when they think they are going to inherit .

I’m going to say that the issue of ‘growing old alone’ isn’t about solitude and earning to be content on your own.

Its fact as you grow older, you are more likely to need be ill and to need help in general.
I can see it with my parents and MIL. Anything from technology, being overwhelmed with dealing with will and HMRC, just simply thinking of simple things about house organisation etc… and all 3 of them are doing relatively well health wise (as in mobility issues, dementia etc….)
And the whole system in the U.K. is based in the assumption that someone is there to help - see how crap the situation is with finding a carer for example.

So yes you shouldn’t be relying on your children fur example to look after you but we all need to be honest and realise that it is much easier et expected that said children will step up…. (Regardless of whether you agree or not)

Btw @Strawberriesandpears another thing I’ve learnt from looking at what happened with my grand parents is
Build a pension, a good one.

I know it’s never going to replace friends or close family. But being able to pay to go away, go to clubs, have a cleaner etc… all of that build ups to create a network of connexion that breaks loneliness. It’s a network of 0support, regardless of whether it’s paid for or not.

Thank you @MagicBullet @primoseyellow @Hbh17 for your excellent input. One thing I am blessed with is a lot of financial security already, which I can obviously continue to build on, so in some ways I am protected against some of the dangers of growing old without any family. I think I'll be able to afford to live in, for example, a nice retirement village with paid for services, if that is something I choose to do.

I would honestly rather have (nice!) family than lots of money, but I guess you can't have everything in life!

Just to add, I am not sure if I might be a little depressed?

I spend so much time thinking and worrying about this that it is almost like I have fast forward 50 years (if I live that long) and am already on my way out! I look at my possessions and think about getting rid of some of them (or certainly not acquiring any more) so that there is less to deal with seeing as I have nobody to clear them out once I die. I almost want to be old now, so that I get it over with and I know that's an absolutely terrible way to think! I don't suppose people my age with family think like this. They probably feel like they still have their 'whole lives ahead of them' where as I kind of already think I am at the end of mine (obviously any of us can die at any time though).

It's strange and sad. My head is messed up I think. 😔

I feel the way your feeling and your experiences of OCD and anxiety could potentially be a sign the you have an anxious attachment style.

https://psychcentral.com/health/anxious-attachment-style-signs

Might be worth a couple of sessions with a therapist to help you process and move on from your current fears.
Don't waste today worrying about tomorrow, these are thoughts not facts and may never materialise. Just try and live in the moment and enjoy what you have now.

On the other hand, I can see that have the potential to have a nice life, pursuing hobbies, spending time with my boyfriend (who will hopefully be in my life for a long time) and then moving to a nice retirement village to live out our / my final years (if that is what we / I decide to do). Maybe that would be bliss - who knows!

Thank you @AddictedtoStarmix I do recognise some of those signs in myself, but not all of them. To be honest, I am quite unsure of myself and think I always have been. I've always felt a little 'different'. I feel like most people are a lot 'bolder' than I am and that I am somehow kind of 'second rate' to other people. That's probably silly though - to those who I am a friend or colleague, I think I am very much valued, and my boyfriend (although it is early days) is smitten, so I can't be all that 'second rate'!

Oh OP I do understand. I'm an only and I have no parents, aunts, uncles, cousins. I'm divorced. I don't want to be too outing, but I have two family members one of whom is severely disabled and the other has serious mental health issues. I'm the 'looker after' person, no one has my back.

I'm nearly 60, and am in a strange kind of situationship, I'm not sure he's my person.

I can entertain myself, am fine living on my own, but no one has my back, I worry about who's going to care for my two relatives.

I try very hard not to think about it 😞

Listen, you can make your own family. Surround yourself with friends and build a support network ofc your own. Enjoy your new relationship and stop worrying about it!

What are your neighbours like? There's a lady near one of my family members who is 90 and is an only child. She has no family. My family member has lived next door for 40 years and they are friendly. She does her shopping, has her in at Christmas and generally keeps an eye out for her.

You know, it’s pretty unusual nowadays fir people to stay in the same place for more than 40 years…

Thats not something i would plan on.