Old age if DH dies before I do?

[NosyHamster]

I’ve name changed for this.

Does anyone worry about coping if your partner dies before you do? I’m in my 50s, DH is 8 years older. Not a huge age gap, but I realise that statistically men tend to die before women. DH is generally in better healthier than me, and his family have tended to live longer than mine, particularly the men. This is reassuring, however I know that old age is something of a lottery and its impossible to predict. We don’t have children, and I’m an only child, so no siblings. I have a nice circle of friends and a few hobbies, and I’ve always got one eye on expanding my social circle/hobbies, as a safety net. Although I think I’ve got to the point that I can’t add much more into my life at present, there are only so many hours in the day!

I realise no one can do anything about this, and what will be will be, but I often wonder if other people have the same fears? Every couple on the planet will have a situation where one of them dies first, is it just me who worries about it?

Well, on the one hand, being widowed is a terrible bereavement and I, too, dread it, OP.

That said, you pick yourself up and get on with things. Get out, see friends. I've seen my older relations go through all this and they all survived. I expect I will too, if I don't go first.

Yes I worry about this, but there's not much you can do about it. What will happen will happen, you just have to live your life.

I think it’s a natural fear but many people either don’t have children or don’t have children nearby (or that they are in contact with). A good circle of friends, a good social life and plenty of activities can make a huge difference. Don’t underestimate volunteer work as well or some other way of being involved in the community.

i also think this,
i think, oh i will get a dog, but then can't work full time if this was the case.

difficult subject. i dont dwell on it

I have a friend who is 68 now, she married her husband 20 years older. He was 88 last week and is fit, active and very healthy for his age. My friend is suffering from crippling arthritis and other bits and bobs and is just trailing after him!

Ironically her family lived long lives, her husband's didn't.

It is such a lottery really. Enjoy the good times, and don't worry too much about tomorrow, but financial and accommodation security are important to plan for either way.

I think about this occasionally but mainly with an eye to house maintenance, DH is always doing something & that makes me wonder what would happen if he wasn't here, or able, to do it. I imagine myself in a small, manageable property which I know I / we should move to before the house and garden gets too much (but I love our home!).
Socially I know I would rely on / further expand my female friendship circles.

I know two women whose dh’s died and they’ve sat in all day drinking and watching tv.
I hope I’ll never be like that.
Such a waste of life.

Loneliness in old age is a huge problem in this country. My DH is Indian and I can see that in India old people are cherished and cared for by their family. Even if they don't have children they're looked after by siblings or nieces and nephews.
Yes I do think about loneliness in old age (although for various reasons there's a good chance I'll die before DH). I know so many old people living alone who seem lonely.

I find it helps to be very specific about your fears and what you think 'not coping' would look like. Loneliness, obviously, which you're doing everything you can to avoid. What else? Practical skills and knowledge he has that you lack? You could learn if so.
Nothing you can do can make the loss of a loved one pain free. It's the price we pay for them, isn't it? Its just one more aspect of later life amongst many that are less than optimal, but inevitable for one or the other just the same, and we can't let fear of the future intrude on the present.
If and when it comes, people can cope and do. You only have to look around you to see people doing just that, living lives thst are still happy snd worthwhile around their loss. You're no different.

I sometimes worry about this. DH is 13 years older than me. He is my best friend. I cannot imagine life without him.

my Nan had similar age gap and went on another 20 years without my grandad. They were besties too and she was heartbroken when he died.

Tbh I also worry about this, although I agree with all the PPs we ho are saying no point dwelling on this.
perhsps it would help if you felt more independent? In particular I think if one is living alone in old age, computer skills are extremely useful so make sure you know how to do tasks online by yourself.

I have the same age gap and first of all life is not promised to us so there is no guarantee that I would die last.

But say if I did and had a decade of life after he passed - I enjoy my own company a lot so would hopefully keep busy with hobbies etc.

Plus women are often way better than men at keeping networks alive so I another approach could be moving into a beautiful old mansion with a group of fellow old biddies and we can share a private nurse and go out drinking margaritas and cackling/doing spells. Sort of like a glamorous witchy finale. Get a lot of cats and make my bathroom entirely pink.

My family come from a culture where this is perceived as a thing

the reality is a lot of very very unhappy, resentful young and middle aged folk. The ripples of unhappiness that arise from this are, strangely, undiscussed, but it's pretty awful.

and I still have elderly relatives in that country complaining not enough is done for them.

Can I put my name down for that please?

Thank your lucky stars that you got to your 50s and still have a husband. I was widowed at 38. My first reply is that you go into survival mode and just get on. I suspect your post is more about who perhaps would look after you if you got old or had difficulty doing things. Same as everyone else you would have to access the care system. Mentally I can see if would be a lot more difficult to have lost a husband that you have had for so long in your life. We were together for 15 years, 5 married but I was young enough to move forward.

I'm single and I worry about this.
But we do not know what is going to happen. You might die before your husband. You might become ill and need to go into a care home before he dies or shortly after he dies. The marriage might fail in the next few years (I hope it doesn't but it's a possible scenario). He might become ill and have to go into residential care, leaving you alone while he is still alive. Anything can happen.
I think we have to just live each day as it comes and not think about it too much. I say that but I find myself sometimes having crippling anxiety about it.
Building networks of friends outside the marriage is important for you. And also making sure that you both know about paying bills, finances, savings accounts, household maintenance - ie. where you could go to get help with that if one of you dies. In other words, both being capable of all tasks rather than one person being completely responsible for one thing and the other not having a clue. I've known a few couples like this and when one has died (or left) the other hasn't known where to start.

I also think as we become older (I'm late 40s) there will be different models of living. I live in another country and in my local area there's a trial project at the moment which involves a group of people over 50 moving into a block of flats which also has communal areas. Each person has their own flat. There is an obligation to do a certain number of hours of work for the community per month. And it's linked to projects in the suburb of the city it is in, so people from the project will be involved there too. They are all rental flats at a reasonable rate. Might be some people's idea of hell but tt looks interesting and possibly something I would look into when I am a bit older.

I don't worry. No. My DH nearly died 2 years ago in a work accident- he's had a life changing injury and everything has changed now, but what's the point in worrying now about the future when you can't control it?

No-one can imagine what it's like to lose a spouse. But almost all of us will go through it, and we come out of the otherside, still the person that we were.

I'm a widow. It was tough initially, but I was fortunate to have time to come to terms with it during my husband's terminal illness. I still miss him sometimes, but life is good again.

As you don't have children, I'd definitely build up your friendship and support system. It's good to have people who are important to you, and to whom you are important, when you're alone. But that's the only thing I'd spend time thinking about.

I'm currently living by myself in a tiny pensioner-style rented flat, in an area where there are lots of older people, many living alone. Some have carers who come round, do shopping, fix stuff for them or clean. Locally there are things for the elderly to do during the day. It's a simple life but doesn't look unpleasant. In practical terms, you get by, don't you. I've also seen flatshares for the elderly and could imagine doing that if I felt lonely, but I like my privacy.

Emotionally, if you don't love someone enough to grieve for them then you've missed out. I'd rather have someone I was sorry to lose, than not.

I think about it occasionally when I see how many cigarettes my dp gets through, but no, I don't worry about it.

My DH who was a year younger than me died in his early 50s. My DP is 7 years older than me and has developed a life limiting illness since I met him. I have no family.

If I survive long enough, I will be taking myself off to an independent living retirement flat in a complex with a care home attached (in case I should ever need it) at about age 75, when I hope to still have sufficient energy to cope with the move, make new friends and integrate. Somewhere that’s not in the middle of nowhere.

The care home on site is important as if I do need it my new friends from the flats can easily pop in for a cuppa.

No, not at all. I know I can cope alone. But I say this to friends who are very dependent on their husbands, 'what will you do if he dies first'.

I will be in this situation in the next year or so as DH has a terminal diagnosis. I could have 20+ years without him so I will just have to get on with it I suppose. I hate the thought of it. I have a reasonable social network, although Covid & DH's illness have affected that slightly. When he was very sick as one point he only survived because I was there to look after him. I feel sad that I would have no-one to look after me like that, I guess I would have to go into hospital.

Yes I worry a lot - DH is also older than me, and has high blood pressure and T2 diabetes. He’s overweight and I have spent many years encouraging him to lose weight which he’s done and then gained it again. It’s frustrating and upsetting. I worry most about being lonely - I have DC, friends, a job and interests but I like company and that obviously won’t be there to the same extent. I know it will be a huge period of adjustment and I try not to think about it atm - hopefully it will be many years from now.

Op, you sound exactly like me. Same circumstances. But I try not to worry or think about it. We’ve done all the prep ‘just in case xyz happens’, because it’s sensible. Beyond that, no point in worrying as it will not change anything, other than sully the present.

I'm in my 60's and my husband unexpectedly left me a few years ago for another woman. We had loads of plans for retirement hobbies, we were going to set up a small business to bring in a bit of money and had planned to move to the South West an area we always loved.
At first I thought my life was over but then I thought to hell with him, and I did it all my myself. Moved to the south west, the business is booming and I've made loads of friends.
I'm perfectly happy.