Growing old alone (possibly) - seeking some advice please

[Strawberriesandpears]

Hello everyone,

I’m hoping to seek some good advice regarding the position I find myself in. I’d just like to begin by saying that I am not a parent, however I know that many non-parents do use Mumsnet, and having browsed many threads, I know that it’s a good place to seek sensible and often very compassionate advice on difficult matters.

I am an only child in my mid-30s and I think very unlikely to have children of my own now. I am not desperately sad about missing out on the parenting experience – whilst I probably would have had a lot to offer a child, I am quite an anxious person and have had a few problems over the years with OCD and also an eating disorder. Therefore, I am not sure how well I would have coped with parenthood mentally.

On the more positive side, I recently got into a new relationship and all is going very well. Although it’s early days, we do seem perfect for one another, and I can definitely see it lasting long term. He is someone I would love to grow old with.
But now we come to exactly what is worrying me – growing old! My boyfriend is an only child too, therefore I have not really ‘inherited’ any family. I have a huge fear about something happening to him in the future and being left all alone. I still have my parents at the moment and a couple of aunts and uncles, however that will obviously not always be the case. I haven’t spoken to my boyfriend about this as I’m worried that he might think I’m desperate for a baby (I’m not – even if we could conceive, I wouldn’t feel it fair to bring a child into such a lonely set up – I’d essentially just be transferring my worries and problems onto them to face in the future).

I’m honestly having such a tough time with this at the moment. On the one hand I’m super happy to have found such a wonderful boyfriend, but on the other I have this massive worry and anxiety hanging over me and it’s basically never going to go away. It’s affecting my performance at work hugely because I have difficulty concentrating. Everywhere I go I am looking at people and wondering how much family they have compared to me. I see old people out alone and wonder if they have nobody and that will be me in the future. It’s on my mind from morning to night.

I absolutely appreciate that not everyone has a great relationship with their siblings, but I think that if you do, it must make life so much easier. It provides that sense of connection that I lack. I am dreading losing my parents. When I count up how many family members other people have compared to me, it just feels so unfair. But life is unfair – I’m old enough to know that.
There is obviously good in my life. I have my lovely boyfriend now and I’m also well off financially which I know is a huge plus, especially in today’s economic climate. My job is not very fulfilling, but I do have enjoyable hobbies – especially around art, music and nature.

I was wondering though if anyone could offer some advice on getting into a better mindset, please? I’m looking for any good suggestions but perhaps especially around:

• Any medication or therapy / counselling which I might find helpful.
• Ways I might make more friends who could act as ‘found family’. Are there any particular groups / hobbies you’ve found especially good for this?
• Any examples of older people who are in the situation I am potentially facing (no family) who are doing well. This might help reassure me.

Thank you so much in advance.

I don't think its something you can plan for or fully protect against because life just happens. We lose people, drift apart, they move away, we meet others, so no arrangements in your 30s can really set you up for your 80s. All you can really do is build the best relationships you can throughout life, investing in them all without putting all your eggs in one basket.

I have similar anxieties to the OP, although I’m in my 50s, so a little older, but no children or siblings. I was fine til DH had a cancer scare (a total false alarm, luckily) nearly 10 years ago, and ever since I’ve wondered how I would cope in old age if he dies before I do.

i have come to realise there’s only so much you can put in place, many years (hopefully) before one of us dies, apart from invest in people, relationships, hobbies activities etc. Like the OP, I would probably worry less if I had some sort of McCarthy Stone/retirement complex lined up, to guard against loneliness and isolation, but I’m not in a position to buy one yet.

Edited to add that I also wish I could switch my brain off, as i worry about this most days

I remember speaking to you before. I am sorry you have the same concerns and worry about it every day. That's how I think the rest of my life is going to be - ruined by anxiety and worry.

Do you think you would feel better if you had a close group of friends who were in a similar position? That's what I am trying to build.

Do you think you would feel better if you had a close group of friends who were in a similar position? That's what I am trying to build.

I’ve got a small group of friends, but only one of those girls has no children/no siblings. So my plan (for now) is to make my life as rich as possible and do my best to banish the negative thoughts, but the latter is easier said than done. I had counselling, and feel I have the tools to deal with the thoughts when they arise, but that doesn’t stop them materialising in the first place!

If (god forbid) something happened to your husband, do you not feel you could tackle some of the challenges of old age together with your friend who has no children or siblings? For example, move to a retirement type village together? I think that's what I would hope to do with a friend, but of course you can't force people to move somewhere if they don't want to!

@Strawberriesandpears A lack of aunties, uncles and cousins needn't be a reason fof not having a children. And age wise, my daughter was 38 when she had her twin boys. You'd be amazed how many friends she has made through the twins too, her social circle has widened considerably! So don't let fear of repeating your own childhood experiences rule it out. Another thing to explore if you have counselling perhaps?

If (god forbid) something happened to your husband, do you not feel you could tackle some of the challenges of old age together with your friend who has no children or siblings? For example, move to a retirement type village together? I think that's what I would hope to do with a friend, but of course you can't force people to move somewhere if they don't want to!

Possibly, and I know we would always help each other out. And I’m aware we’re an aging population, and by the time I’m old and doddery there will probably be a LOT of people in a similar position. I try to take comfort in this.

Thank you, I see what you mean. I don't know though. Having potentially just one child with basically no family other than their parents does seem to put them in a vulnerable position though. Also, I worry about having a child with a disability. I would worry even more about potentially leaving them alone in the world with nobody to look out for them.

That is very true - we won't be the only ones.

Sometimes we can focus so much on hypothetical scenarios and ‘future proofing’ that we forget to actually be present in the moment and live. These sort of chronic worries and rumination can lead you to become a passenger in your own life. You are clearly very insightful and intelligent, I agree that this sort of existential loneliness runs deeper and it could be beneficial to explore this in psychotherapy.

These ruminative thought processes can make us more negative and fixed in our thinking too, which makes everything feel worse. I have noticed some rigidity in your thinking, e.g. that it would be morally wrong to bring an only child into the world with no wider family, that having children in your mid-late 30’s is too risky. There is very little in life we can be certain of and often we need to get better at tolerating uncertainty so that we can live more freely and enjoy life. There are plenty of only children who grow up to be well-connected and social - I’m one of them! I am less lonely than many of my friends with siblings, so I wouldn’t automatically conclude that having more family prevents loneliness. In fact I think I am somewhat decent at cultivating relationships because I am an only child; I learnt at a young age how to socialise and make friends, as I didn’t have siblings to rely on. There also can be so much dysfunction in families, and estrangement. There is nothing quite like being lonely while in the company of family.

None of us knows what is ahead of us in terms of our health and circumstances, but your preoccupation with this could mean you don’t live a full life now. I agree with previous suggestions of building your social connections and relationships, I’m not sure where you’re based but some volunteering organisations are very social. Sometimes worrying can be a very clever way of our brains distracting us from the crux of the issue, and also prevents us from fully participating in life. Please do seek therapy, it could really help you get some freedom from this.

Thank you, for your kind and detailed reply.

Yes, I agree, there is definitely existential loneliness going on which could be explored. And I am focusing a lot of the possible negatives and not embracing the now. I also agree that being an only child can be beneficial in someways to building friendships. I too am good at connecting with people (well my kind of people, but I think everyone has their type of person).

I think perhaps to some extent I feel like a failure. I have failed to create a family, and now I am destined to forever be an outsider in a society full of families.

Some of the things I have read online about those without children almost seem 'gleeful' about the empty and lonely lives they will lead. I think I can't help feeling that I have done something to 'deserve' this.

Honestly that is a load of rubbish! You have probably internalised some misogyny around a ‘woman’s purpose’. You need to spend some time on the child free forum. And get some child free friends!

I do have DC now (I had them in my 30’s) but I have many child free friends, never once have I pitied them due to not having children. They are brilliant, intelligent, curious and fun individuals. Nothing about their lives is empty. You need to find your tribe I think.

Thank you, I think deep down, I do actually agree that you don't need to have children to have a fulfilled life.

If it wasn't for the constant worry of being 'alone' at some point, I would be quite happy not to have any. Which is probably telling in itself really!

I'm sorry you didn't have a good experience with the counsellors.
I know its tough to have to "shop around", but I think you would be able to find somebody you connect with.
If you look on Psychology Today you can filter for your location and add the issues you are looking to discuss e.g living without children.

A lot of people with children still end up alone. Children aren't a guarantee of company as you get older.

Thank you, that's a very helpful resource.

Oh absolutely. In some ways I think I might actually be less lonely if I were to live in a retirement village. I would have company and care available all the time, whereas people with families might be living in their homes on their own with just sporadic visits and carers popping in.

Can you add a link please?

The section is in Talk and then 'In the Club'. Or did you mean a link to a specific thread?

This is so not true. Having a family is not succeeding. It is a personal decision. Which may not be right for everyone.

I have many childfree friends and at least two are only children. They appear to be just fine. They have consuming passions that sustain them.

Hi OP, I've been reading your thread here with interest as I'm the same age as you, in a similar situation, and have also struggled with these kind of thoughts.
Some tools that have helped me a lot in recent years have included books aimed at focusing on the present e.g. Eckhart Tolle's writings and meditation. It's easy to slip into a fear state but I have to keep reminding myself that I could spend my life worrying about what might or might not ever happen, or I can focus on enjoying the now while prepping for the future with good energy (good energy motivates me to prep for the future without fear!). I hope that makes some sense. I have found that therapy and support groups have helped a great deal too.

Thank you. I will definitely have a look into Eckhart Tolle's writings and possibly meditation too. I'm glad you have managed to channel some positive thoughts. I too don't want to spend my whole life worrying about something that might not turn out the way I fear it will.

Would you mind if I sent you a message please? I think it helps to talk to others who are in a similar situation / share similar worries.

Thank you again.

Yes, feel free to send a message :)

I'm not being mean but you repeatedly post thread after thread about this. People have offered the suggestions they can but this is really a deeper issue that nobody here can really help with as none of us are qualified and I mean that kindly. The future isn't promised to any of us. I lost 2 friends last week within 2 days of each other, just 42 and 35. Take each day as it comes

I am very sorry for your loss.

I have posted several threads, I agree, and have received helpful advice. I haven't posted anything for a good while though, so not sure why this has been resurrected.