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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend crying because of me,am I really horrible?

404 replies

redsblacksoranges · 28/06/2023 09:46

So today

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 28/06/2023 16:09

If I were you I’d start reminding myself that he had ALREADY spoiled your bday. It doesn’t matter what you do now, it’s marred by this shitty, mantrumming gnome.

Pinkbonbon · 28/06/2023 16:11

Whatever you do, if you do stay with him, do.not.get.pregnant. Seriously he is not dad material.

honeylulu · 28/06/2023 17:13

OP don't doubt yourself. I think you had it right first time. He only wants to push the boat out for stuff he wants to do. The rest of the time he expects you to stay in your box. When you spoke excitedly about Blackpool he quickly booked a local hotel to stop you booking anything else. Back in your box. Then when the opportunity for gig tickets became a reality he responded with emotional manipulation AND, bonus, he had an excuse to cancel the local hotel and meal and save himself a few quid. He's keeping up the nastiness so you stay in your box. Escape the box OP!!! Don't waste your life with this selfish man. Selfish men make terrible fathers.

ClawedButler · 28/06/2023 17:18

Also - you're now second guessing yourself. "Was I in the wrong? Could I have handled this better? How can I manage HIS feelings?"

That to me is a sign that this kind of manipulation has been part of your relationship for too long.

You're a frog in luke-warm water at this point. Hop out, while you still can.

Bearpawk · 28/06/2023 18:08

He sounds quite pathetic. If you really want to see the band I'd book your own trip. Tell him he's welcome to come if he wants.

perfectcolourfound · 28/06/2023 18:42

Hi @redsblacksoranges You are bending yourself in to all sorts of knots trying to work out if you've been mean / how mean you've been.

But you've acted entirely reasonably. Your bf however has been thoughtless and selfish, and is now manipulating you and trying to hurt you and punish you.

You have no reason to apoligise to him, and I beg you to stop apoligising (if you are) as it will make things worse.

WHy so you think that you should runa round pleasing him, but he can dismiss what you want, overrule it, cry when you make other (very reasonable) plans, and then continue to punish you for trying to make peace?

You have been reasonable all along. He has been selfish and manipulative.

I suspect you've found him out - he only wants to do things that please HIM. Even if it's your birthday / your money... he still thinks it should be all about him. He's happy for you to get tickets for something HE wants to see, even if you aren't bothered. But he doesn't think he should do what YOU want. Not even for your birthday. Or on your auntie's money.

This goes further than he didn't fancy that hotel / Blackpool etc. He is actively disagreeing with you BECAUSE that's what you want to do. He is showing you that his feelings and opinions come first and matter more.

The crying and stupid texts and over-dramatising.... could mean he was looking for a reason to split and is going to use this, OR he's looking to put you back in your box and will punish you until you've apologised lots / given him his own way / agreed not to spend your birthday how you want to spend it / shown him that you agree his feelings are more important than yours.

If I was you... first things first, keep your new booking and take a friend. Enjoy your birthday. Second (no, actually, first) ditch the controlling, manipulative, selfish, immature bf. He will get worse, not better. And if you apologise and give in to him now, he'll temporaily cheer up (part of his training of you) and then ramp it up further next time. I beg you not to have children with such a selfish idiot of a man.

Pinkbonbon · 28/06/2023 18:59

Also op, men come and go. There will likely be several more in your lifetime. Partners are just supposed to be good company along your life journey.

If they add trouble and strife - remove them from your life.

If they they add salt and not spice - they don't suffice.

If they just plain ain't nice - don't pick them twice.

If you want my advice - don't start rhyming it's fucking addictive. And, dump the prick.

Grumpusaurus · 28/06/2023 19:08

Nah, I would have zero tolerance for this pathetic fuckweasel! It is all about what he wants. Get rid and get a state of the art vibrator as a present for yourself. You can switch it off and it won't try to emotionally blackmail and gaslight you.

Stillcantbebothered · 28/06/2023 20:38

LaBefana · 28/06/2023 12:54

@redsblacksoranges

I hand on heart didn't think I was doing wrong (maybe I'm not )
In sat wondering how I might have handled things better

You're not going to take any notice of what we've all been saying, are you?

No she’s not, that the way it usually goes with these type of posts, they skim over peoples advice and continue to question and wonder and then decide to settle and see if she can change him until she has kids for him and is dependent on him financially so even when he gets worse in the figure she’s stuck. Classic.

Ladybug14 · 29/06/2023 07:09

Pinkbonbon · 28/06/2023 18:59

Also op, men come and go. There will likely be several more in your lifetime. Partners are just supposed to be good company along your life journey.

If they add trouble and strife - remove them from your life.

If they they add salt and not spice - they don't suffice.

If they just plain ain't nice - don't pick them twice.

If you want my advice - don't start rhyming it's fucking addictive. And, dump the prick.

I love this

So true and also funny 😁

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/06/2023 07:19

Pinkbonbon · 28/06/2023 18:59

Also op, men come and go. There will likely be several more in your lifetime. Partners are just supposed to be good company along your life journey.

If they add trouble and strife - remove them from your life.

If they they add salt and not spice - they don't suffice.

If they just plain ain't nice - don't pick them twice.

If you want my advice - don't start rhyming it's fucking addictive. And, dump the prick.

If you want my advice - don't start rhyming it's fucking addictive. And, dump the prick.

😂

HarpyValley · 29/06/2023 07:57

OP, I get that you’re probably sitting there thinking “it was just a row about birthday plans, I was just a bit confused, how come everyone is telling me to LTB, he’s not that bad!” It can be really shocking to suddenly see it laid out that you’re in an abusive relationship with a manipulative, controlling man, and it’s human nature to become defensive and minimise his behaviour, even if that’s only in your head.

It’s harder still if you want children, you’re at the point where you don’t want to wait too much longer, and the thought of starting over and it being a few years before you can try to become a mother just seems too hard and too long, when you can convince yourself he’s not that bad really. I honestly do get that.

But this is Mumsnet, where we fight like cats in a bag, and yet here we’re 99% unanimous in saying PLEASE GET AWAY FROM THIS MANCHILD FOR THE SAKE OF YOU AND YOUR FUTURE CHILDREN. Just pause to think how big and red the flags must be that we can all see them, even the people saying “I haven’t RTFT” or “I’ve only read the OP’s posts”.

You’re probably suffering from the sunk costs fallacy - that you’ve invested so much to this stage, it would cost too much emotionally to step away now so you might as well carry on. But if you do, you’re condemning yourself to a life without the love or support of a partner. A life of doing everything for the children alone, including the extra child that is your bf. A life of pretzeling yourself into a smaller and smaller person so as not to rock his boat. A life of drudgery weighed down by his negativity, until the day you find out he’s cheating on you and he makes that your fault too.

Is that the life you want, OP?

BeachBlondey · 29/06/2023 08:33

Reading this gives me the chills. I have known people like this before, it's frightening how they can make a horrible drama out of anything, twist your words, make you feel like you did something wrong....

He sounds like a narcissist to me. If you stay with him, you will live your whole life being dictated to, with everything on his terms. He will make a drama out of nothing, ruin nice events, make you feel in the wrong all the time.

You are at a crossroads here. You can split up and find someone normal, or you can have a baby with a man who won't even put a ring on your finger, surrender your financial independence to him and be stuck there.

I can't even begin to imagine how horrific he will be once you are on Mat leave and he will declare that he is "paying for everything". I bet he'd be the type to expect you to pay half of the bills, even though you're on Mat leave because he knocked you up.

Ofcourseshecan · 29/06/2023 09:00

monsteramunch · 28/06/2023 12:57

I love him but everything is on his terms

Even if this was the only information you shared about the relationship, it's insane you're planning to start a family with this man.

Having a child with someone who is fundamentally selfish and wants everything on their own terms isn't just foolish, it's irresponsible.

This. Please don’t have children with this selfish immature man. Your life will be hell.

Comtesse · 29/06/2023 09:30

He’s spoilt your birthday but you think YOU are in the wrong? Man alive, he’s a piece of work…

LaBefana · 29/06/2023 09:38

HarpyValley · 29/06/2023 07:57

OP, I get that you’re probably sitting there thinking “it was just a row about birthday plans, I was just a bit confused, how come everyone is telling me to LTB, he’s not that bad!” It can be really shocking to suddenly see it laid out that you’re in an abusive relationship with a manipulative, controlling man, and it’s human nature to become defensive and minimise his behaviour, even if that’s only in your head.

It’s harder still if you want children, you’re at the point where you don’t want to wait too much longer, and the thought of starting over and it being a few years before you can try to become a mother just seems too hard and too long, when you can convince yourself he’s not that bad really. I honestly do get that.

But this is Mumsnet, where we fight like cats in a bag, and yet here we’re 99% unanimous in saying PLEASE GET AWAY FROM THIS MANCHILD FOR THE SAKE OF YOU AND YOUR FUTURE CHILDREN. Just pause to think how big and red the flags must be that we can all see them, even the people saying “I haven’t RTFT” or “I’ve only read the OP’s posts”.

You’re probably suffering from the sunk costs fallacy - that you’ve invested so much to this stage, it would cost too much emotionally to step away now so you might as well carry on. But if you do, you’re condemning yourself to a life without the love or support of a partner. A life of doing everything for the children alone, including the extra child that is your bf. A life of pretzeling yourself into a smaller and smaller person so as not to rock his boat. A life of drudgery weighed down by his negativity, until the day you find out he’s cheating on you and he makes that your fault too.

Is that the life you want, OP?

This is so very very well put. Thank you.

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 29/06/2023 10:07

In the run up to my 40th dh took out a home shopping catalogue.. Which I was against as he was crap with money and had previously run up debts before we got together.. My gift was to be chosen from there... He wanted a new x box game as apparently it wasn't fair the whole day was about me. We had a few friends and family over for a garden party type afternoon tea.. Organised and catered for by me and my mate.. By about 6pm he was huffing and puffing for guests to go home because he hadn't played his game yet. A man in his 30's...I went to bed in tears at 9. Alone.
Threw him out a week before I was 41.
We never had any dc together because he was a rubbish df. And a shite dh.

Isheabastard · 29/06/2023 10:34

Let me tell you my story.

Same age, married a couple of years, no kids yet.

The morning of my birthday, we both wake up and husband says he’ll go downstairs and make me a cuppa. I wait, and wait and wait. After 20 minutes at least I decide to go downstairs and see where my cuppa is. I know my H gets distracted, I’m not cross or upset, but I just want my cuppa.

I walk in the kitchen and he’s in the middle of writing my birthday card.

I then got such a bollocking from him. How I can’t even wait 5 minutes, (it was at leat 20 minutes). He was just about to bring the cuppa up to me (it was made and on the side and not hot at all) how I had ruined everything because I was so impatient.

I was happy with low key birthdays and we’d agreed to go out to lunch of my choice, so there was no actual birthday present that I had ruined the surprise of. He just couldn’t see that even if I had been impatient (I don’t think I was), I didn’t deserve a full on bollocking on my fucking birthday.

He was so lovely to me at other times, but that (I now see) was only because I always let him have his own way).

Im now divorcing after over 30 years of this. PLEASE don’t be me.

Isheabastard · 29/06/2023 10:39

Ref my earlier post. I just remembered, we were going to view a house and went for lunch at the local pub to see what it was like. So not quite a special birthday lunch.

MoroccanRoseHChurch · 29/06/2023 10:46

🚩🚩🚩 RUUUUUUUUUNNN! 🚩🚩🚩

see if your Aunty will come to your concert, find a way to move out, ditch this deadweight.

LIFE IS TOO SHORT

Shoxfordian · 29/06/2023 10:56

Glad you’re divorcing him @Isheabastard , your username has the first two words the wrong way round

CruCru · 29/06/2023 11:26

I used to go out with someone who was like this. I think he thought that crying made him sensitive (he was - to himself). It was such a relief when we split up, it was like being let out of prison.

WitcheryDivine · 29/06/2023 13:38

@Sunnydaysaredefhere @Isheabastard SO glad you both got away albeit not soon enough.

I do wonder how these men get so far through life without having anyone/everyone tell them to get right over themselves. Or do they just block it out?

FriendsDrinkBook · 29/06/2023 15:44

@WitcheryDivine they just surround themselves with yes people. Any person with an opinion is treated like their enemy.

SquirrelSoShiny · 01/07/2023 10:03

He's a manipulative asshat. I hope you are away from him now.