Boyfriend crying because of me,am I really horrible?

[redsblacksoranges]

So today

You haven't done anything wrong! That's why you're so baffled because his words and reaction don't match the situation!
You really need to get his vice it if your head and go and discuss this in real life with someone sensible, calm and who you trust. Someone who you know is honest and fair and makes good choices in life. Get their perspective because his is wildly off-beam and you can't see clearly because you're trying to get his point of view!

You have not done anything wrong.
You are entitled to express your wants in a relationship.
Your bf does not sound emotionally mature.
He seems massively self centered and manipulative.
You don't have to get him to see your point of view on this or get his approval on your opinions.
He is not the determiner of what is right or who you are.
Walk away.
Do not have children with him.

This is classic controlling behaviour - I had an ex boyfriend who would try and pull this shit - note ex. It’s emotionally abuse. Tell him to fuck off, book the tickets, book the hotel. Get yourself on the fan club page of whatever band, find a meet up - enjoy the gig,

This would be all well and good except he isn't doing any of the things you've said you wanted to do.

He can't get pissed off if you asked to do A or B and he booked Q. You didn't want Q!

He is a fucking waste of space, and I'd end it.

Are you actually reading what has been written here?

You haven't done anything wrong.

You CAN stand up for yourself.

The only sensible response to that text is "ok yes I'm doing what I want, I'm breaking up with you"

Just imagine for two seconds that you do this, you say no to seeing the Foo Fighters, you say no to whatever he suggests instead - and then you quickly book tickets to something you know he has no interest in whatsoever that is almost embarrassingly mundane. A spa day and a trip to the local ice rink perhaps. Then when he decides he's rather not do that, you apparently cry all morning (would love to know where he works that people aren't commenting on this btw) and tell him that his rejection of your ideas "fucking hurts", call him sly, and generally browbeat him about it to the point that he doesn't even know which way is up any more.

Would you do that? Why not? Why is it ok for him to do it?

Spot on!

OP, please reread these words from @WitcheryDivine

You've done nothing wrong. You were clear with what you wanted to do on your birthday and he ignored this with lame excuses.

He sounds very manipulative. Unless there are other stresses involved and the tears were a build up of other things affecting him. If not then he is using that to try and control you.

An ex did this to me. Would always bring out the water works, best thing I did was dump him.

Know your worth lovely.

Christ don't fall for his bullshit. Boo fucking hoo. It IS your birthday so yes, you WILL do what you want, and no, that isn't the ONE THING he did which was the bare minimum and none of the things you expressly and very reasonably wanted to do. Please go to the gig with a friend or family member and sack this gaslighting, selfish, childish tosspot off before he traps you for eternity.

I know you think your clock is ticking, but I bet you what's left of my overdraft that if you have a baby with him he will do zero night wake ups, he will make a mess around the house, not help & be jealous of the baby. Probably cheat, as he is clearly not invested in you and is manipulative & selfish.

Then you'll be on here with 2 kids, age 41 asking for help to leave, co parenting with a dickhead, dealing with step parenting etc.

Find someone decent. Then you can be on here, age 41, with 2 kids and asking for ideas for your 5 year wedding anniversary to a different, decent bloke.

It's your birthday yet it's still on his terms!
You should do something you'd like to do
If he loves you, he'd want you to enjoy your day. The tears are manipulative and are meant to shut you down
You deserve better than this self centred toddler

Then was he sly to book the lunch?

and tbh the fact you’re sat there thinking what I’m have I done wrong and you’re the one doing the chasing means he’s akready destroyed a lot of your self confidence - he’s a controlling abuser, please don’t have children with this man, go to the gig and get yourself a new man someone to build you up, not knock you down.

how is he with your friends?

Dump him. Go to the concert with a friend. He can move out while you're away. Everyone will be happier. Though tbh I don't actually believe he's crying at work, he's being a manipulative twat.

This is spot on.

If he'd done this nonsense early in the relationship I bet you wouldn't even be seeing him now never mind living with him.
The person you were 3 years ago... What would she think of this?
Run for the hills.
As @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz said you wanted A or B and he went ahead with Q with no consultation... That's not what you do and don't let him make you think it's your fault. You were compromising and balancing needs and wants... He was taking matters into his own hands.
Interesting he called you sly... I think he's judging you by his own standards as people often do... In fact you're judging him by your standards (considerate, flexible, willing to compromise and listen... ) The fact you're so confused is partly because that's not who he is, so you're trying to make sense of his behaviour based on him being lovely and reasonable like you are... But he isn't.

I was with my ex husband for ten years and he was just like this. A control freak and manipulative. I should have left much sooner. Don’t be me.

He sounds horrible. I don't think you've done anything wrong.

Is there a friend or family member you can make your own plans with for your bday? Let him sulk. You don't have to have a crap bday because he's an arse.

@redsblacksoranges Dump him! Book Blackpool and go with a friend and relive all those wonderful memories that you had with your mum ♥️ I can see you now smiling at the amusement park and eating candy floss 🤗 remember all those good times you had and think to yourself I deserve better than him because you do and you will feel a huge weight being lifted when you can finally do what you want without him being selfish, crying and manipulating you make you feel bad for wanting to do something on YOUR birthday don’t let him do this to you anymore!

He knows he was sly to quickly book the lunch, that's why he got mad when she pointed it out.

Please don't bring kids into this. You will regret it and he will make all of your lives miserable.

Move out and start enjoying your life. It's not going to happen while you're together.

Bizarre behaviour for an adult. Why is everything always on his terms? He will suck the life out of you if you carry on in this relationship and especially if you want marriage and kids eventually.

This is a pivotal moment in your life. You can go down the shit route of undoubted pain and years of trying to free yourself or you can be freeeeeeee and open to a happy contented life - with or without a partner!

Exaggerated enotional response he's throwing out here, because you didn't like his plan. Not really how grown ups behave is it. He's slinging insults over this, that'll teach you.

You'll be more careful next time won't you.
Have a good long think about what you could have done differently.
Manage the situation better next time, centre his wants and needs, forget your own.
Watch him carefully for any signs of displeasure, you don't him accusing you of being nasty etc. Make sure you reassure him his choices are always good ones.
Bury your wants and needs if they don't match his.

Sounds exhausting living on eggshells like this... Don't. You don't want this to be your life.

Let's do a nice bit of close reading of his text

You are not getting this at all are you?
Outrage at you not accepting whatever he chooses. Gentle hint at demeaning you as not being particularly smart. Picking himself out as having insights you don't

Can you not get your head around the fact that the one thing I have tried to do for you you don't want to do
Again insinuating you're dumb and he's a sensitive soul. The one thing he tried to do for you = not one of the three or more things you suggested you actually wanted to do.

That fucking hurts
What, because he might need to cancel something? Because it's your birthday and you get to be the special one, not him? Because you should be grateful he's put one ounce of effort into booking something despite it not being what you wanted?

Do what you want because honestly I'm done with trying and you will do it anyway
He's basically saying how dare you prioritise your own needs over his preferences. By done with trying he means he discussed it slightly, said he'd look at a link you found, then booked something without talking to you about it. Hardly the trials of Hercules, is it?

I'm not texting anymore about this now because I'm here crying over a stupid fucking meal etc
Childish attempt to 'own' the argument rather than state his view and ask you for your perspective. He's saying 'I'm the victim here' and ramping up drama with swearing and mentioning crying.

Honestly this reads like an overtired 10 year old trying to persuade his mum why he should be able to buy a new computer game, not a grown man trying to please his partner by making a suitable plan for her birthday.

I almost fell asleep with boredom writing the above, but I did it because you must see this man is not one whose genes you want to be fused with yours for all eternity, i.e. having a baby. This man will whinge about being tired when you've been up all night with the baby. This man will say he's always doing things in the house when he takes the bins out and mows the lawn every now and again.

This man will definitely, definitely be envious of the attention you give your child and will sulk about it and nag for sex and be impatient (or worse) with the kids.

Because he's a self-centred twat you could do without.