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Original poster

Friend is hysterical over my holiday

533 replies

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 06:52

I have a friend who I meet for lunch a couple of times a week, and we speak on the phone regularly. He is retired and doesn't seem to do much in his days as his wife still works, so the time with me seems to be quite exciting for him.

I enjoy the time and our friendship, but in a few weeks I have the chance to go on holiday for a week elsewhere in the UK with a family member while I have annual leave. I haven't been away in 8 years so I would like to go. I told him and he was hysterical, as he wanted me to go out with him on days out on my annual leave. He said that over this time his wife is away so he could have taken me on longer days out and I've now ruined it.

I feel it's my fault as on my annual leave days in the past we would often go out together (to gardens, historical places etc).

He sent about a hundred messages saying he is in tears, I have ruined the friendship and he doesn't want us to be friends anymore. He insulted my family member too and he said he will be sick all week worried about me.

Not sure how to handle this as I do value the friendship but I don't want him to have a meltdown over it.

OP posts:
Jazzappledelish · 23/06/2023 08:15

Op you are in your early thirties and single.

Why on earth do you live somewhere where you have no friends other than a peculiar retired man? And why on Earth haven’t you been on holiday for 8 years?

FireflyJar · 23/06/2023 08:15

Ragwort · 23/06/2023 07:19

You sound utterly naive ... my DH is retired and I can't imagine him wanting to meet a female friend for National Trust outings and lunches twice a week Hmm unless he had an ulterior motive ... this man might not be seeking a sexual affair but he is clearly over invested in your friendship. You need to back off now.

You are blaming @llamadrama7 for his behavior. She's done nothing wrong, it's him that is over reacting

lechatnoir · 23/06/2023 08:16

Namechangedforthis2244 · 23/06/2023 07:57

If you are confident that both he and his wife see this friendship as platonic then I would call her and tell her that you think her husband is having a breakdown.

Explain that he is in tears because you’re going on holiday, has sent you hundreds of messages and that has made you feel really uncomfortable. Recommend that she takes him to the doctors.

If you don’t feel able to do that then I think that you know deep down that they see this friendship as more than platonic. In which case you need to completely cut contact.

Was coming on to say pretty much this - you need to contact the wife and express concern for his mental health/well-being and that you feel extremely uncomfortable at this very suddenly change in his behaviour and will be stepping away.

Flashingtealights · 23/06/2023 08:16

Tendu
Actually you are 100% correct . I stated it's his wife's concern. It's not, he needs to be responsible for his own mental health

LillyCandC · 23/06/2023 08:17

OP if you typed it all out, read it and still thought ‘mmm… maybe I should cancel my annual leave’ … then you’re really far far deep in denial…
also, your views of friendship are absolutely not right. Not all friendships are emotional affairs. In fact, it’s completely unhealthy to describe it like that. Friendship is about building each other up, having someone to confide in without judgement, similarity of views etc. yes, your partner can also be your friend. Jealousy, emotional manipulation, obsessiveness and control are not healthy in normal relationships nor in friendships.

to me it sounds like you either really enjoy the attention this elderly man gives you (you describe yourself as ‘exciting’ part of his life, you like playing the caring role for him etc) or have a problem with boundaries.

mnabq · 23/06/2023 08:17

Interesting user name

This is all very weird, if it has happened you need to distance yourself from this individual.

AgentJohnson · 23/06/2023 08:18

People need to calm the fuck down!

It sounds like this friendship flourished when you were vulnerable and because of the age gap and having no romantic intentions, you have sleep walked into an unhealthy dynamic with someone quite possessive.

Its time to cut this man loose because you can’t have a friendship with someone this controlling and possessive.

bumblebee2235 · 23/06/2023 08:18

Honestly I'd just message his wife. She married him, she knows him presumably. She might shed light on his behaviour and sort him out. If he's like this she probably is glad you can take the load off.

MammaTo · 23/06/2023 08:19

This sounds fucking insane.

Say okay no more friendship and block his number.

What a bizarre situation.

ripplingwater · 23/06/2023 08:19

No, NO and absolute NOOOO. He is manipulating and controlling you. He is NOT a good friend. Its all about him isnt it?- what he wants, how lonely HE will be, how YOU are ruining his life, etc He is responsible for his own life and his own loneliness, there are plenty of local community groups he could join to meet others and have social interaction. I suspect he has a crush on you.

I would be backing the heck away from this man, he is not a good person at all. You have no reason to feel guilty.

idliketogetdownnow · 23/06/2023 08:20

If it were me I would be very blunt with him and say "your huge over-reaction to me going on holiday has shown me that this is not a healthy friendship. You need to get a grip or we won't be able to be friends any more".

That's if you actually still want him in your life. Personally I could not stand this dynamic. It may be platonic for you but he definitely doesn't see it that way.

tinyshoppingbasket · 23/06/2023 08:20

This is truly bonkers.

It sounds like you have a stalker, that you're actually engaging with/ mistaking for friendship.

Coming to your village even when you've tried to cancel or not made plans, is absolutely beyond mental.

MammaTo · 23/06/2023 08:21

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:19

@SwedishEdith he is in his late 60s, I'm early 30s

What the eff even more!!!

Yupiknowhowthatfeels · 23/06/2023 08:21

At worst he has early dementia.
At best he is just odd and you should back right off.
Very bizarre behaviour on his part.

LookItsMeAgain · 23/06/2023 08:22

This story brings to mind the other thread I read on MN where a woman was working for an elderly gentleman (except he wasn't anything close to being a gentleman) when she realised that she needed to establish healthy boundaries and couldn't work out how to tell him that she needed to finish working for him. She was cataloguing his books or something. Does anyone else remember that thread?

Tendu · 23/06/2023 08:22

Flashingtealights · 23/06/2023 08:16

Tendu
Actually you are 100% correct . I stated it's his wife's concern. It's not, he needs to be responsible for his own mental health

Yes, but I take your implicit point also — it’s his wife’s problem if her DH has some kind of breakdown, as she’ll be dealing with more of the consequences than the OP.

Fandabedodgy · 23/06/2023 08:22

It's a lovely friendship during which he's fallen in love with you and it's unrequited.

It's come to a head now and for everyone"s sake - you, him and his wife - you need to cook it, introduce distance or end it.

It's not fair to anyone to indulge this and you must go on holiday.

His age is irrelevant

Gymmum82 · 23/06/2023 08:24

I mean he’s told you the friendship is over if you go on holiday. So I would tell him that yes actually you think that’s for the best and as a friend he should be happy for you having a holiday. He sounds controlling and mentally unwell

Iknowthis1 · 23/06/2023 08:25

His behaviour is very controlling. It's a big red flag that your friendship isn't what you thought it is. Step away. If you're worried about his mental health tell his wife. It's up to her the deal with it not you.

northernlight20 · 23/06/2023 08:26

this cant be real! no one in their 30s is this naive surely?

BoogiemanSam · 23/06/2023 08:26

I refuse to believe you seriously don’t know the difference between a friendship and an emotional affair, no one can be that dense. Regardless of this, the fact he is being emotionally manipulative so you need to step away.

MagicBullet · 23/06/2023 08:27

@llamadrama7 he is controlling and is using your feeling that ‘you have to be kind’ to emotionally manipulate you.

Look at what you’ve written

  • he is hysterical when you go away on hols Wo him
  • he is hysterical when you have another (male) friend
  • he is refusing to respect your boundaries re length of phone calls, when to meet up etc…
It doesn’t matter WHY he is behaving like this. It might be that it’s who he is. It might be that it’s the start of dementia. Who cares? The reality is that he is JUST a ‘friend’ who is way overstepping the mark and is not respecting you as a person.

He has manipulated you into being there fir him all the time, to be his crutch. It’s ok fir you to say ‘enough is enough’.
You’ve wanted to cool down the friendship before, then now is the best opportunity. In his own words, you’ve destroyed the friendship. Fine, then there is no issue fir you to walk away,

BlinkeredBay · 23/06/2023 08:28

This is crazy! Stop the relationship now!

Jazzappledelish · 23/06/2023 08:28

BoogiemanSam · 23/06/2023 08:26

I refuse to believe you seriously don’t know the difference between a friendship and an emotional affair, no one can be that dense. Regardless of this, the fact he is being emotionally manipulative so you need to step away.

Op is single, friendless (locally) works from home full time and hasn’t been on holiday for 8 years… she needed this friendship as much as he did

JoniBlue · 23/06/2023 08:29

Your friend sounds like he could probably benefit from some mental health. My husband is older than him and if he ever was crying and screaming over his friend going away I'd have really serious concerns. The anxiety from those past bad experiences you mentioned, maybe seeing a therapist, a psychologist, would help him. Somethings off, but no need for you to cancel your plans. The problem is him. But not yours to fix. Go enjoy your vacation, He'll survive.

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