Friend is hysterical over my holiday

[llamadrama7]

I have a friend who I meet for lunch a couple of times a week, and we speak on the phone regularly. He is retired and doesn't seem to do much in his days as his wife still works, so the time with me seems to be quite exciting for him.

I enjoy the time and our friendship, but in a few weeks I have the chance to go on holiday for a week elsewhere in the UK with a family member while I have annual leave. I haven't been away in 8 years so I would like to go. I told him and he was hysterical, as he wanted me to go out with him on days out on my annual leave. He said that over this time his wife is away so he could have taken me on longer days out and I've now ruined it.

I feel it's my fault as on my annual leave days in the past we would often go out together (to gardens, historical places etc).

He sent about a hundred messages saying he is in tears, I have ruined the friendship and he doesn't want us to be friends anymore. He insulted my family member too and he said he will be sick all week worried about me.

Not sure how to handle this as I do value the friendship but I don't want him to have a meltdown over it.

She isn't 100% right.

If someone is going through an intense mental health crisis, that is exactly when they're incapable of managing their mental health. Picking up the phone and calling their doctor is simply beyond someone in crisis.

I'm not about to go into detail about what happened when my late DH's breakdown happened (completely out of the blue) but he was in no state at all to do anything for himself

Please have some imagination and empathy.

This man is not OP's problem. But simply by the fact of her living with him, he is his wife's. And again, this is not a feminist issue. I have a male ex colleague in the same position, managing his wife's mental health problems.

He doesn't sound like the kind of man that would listen to anyone suggesting he goes to get help for his mental health. People with such fragile egos tend to blame everyone else for their negative feelings, as in this case. It's not his fault for how he's seeing the situation it's her fault for not meeting his needs.

I imagine he has also been controlling towards his wife over the years. She might even be quite grateful there is someone else to take the heat off for a while. Personality disorders are very different from depression or anxiety. Most obviously because people with them see everyone else as having the problem, not them, so why should they get help.

I'm surprised major alarm bells didn't start to ring when he went hysterical over you driving longer distances. It just isn't normal behaviour.

This isn't really a friendship to be valued, because it's in serious danger of becoming suffocating. If you like having companionship when you go on days out, look at things like volunteering for the National Trust. This man has told you he doesn't want to be friends any more, so take him at his word: tell him you're sorry about that but, given his reaction to a perfectly normal holiday, the friendship clearly isn't doing either of you any good and it's better that you go your separate ways. Then block him.

This thread reminds me of one from the other day where a person had a married friend fall in love with them, want to see them to discuss it, act in a possessive way. What both threads had in common was an OP that couldn't see how their behaviour was contributing to the situation and an OP that couldn't let go of the friendship or contact, presumably because it was meeting some need.

It's almost as if having someone devoted to you, crying, hysterical, doing things behind their wives back, in love with you (as this guy surely is) is some type of fantasy for some people. Perhaps it is, I don't know.

I have wondered in the past if he is suffering from some issues (early onset dementia or similar) as he can get very confused about things and act out of character in sudden bursts.

I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation @llamadrama7 .Sounds as though there is an underlying condition.
I think you need to talk to his wife.

He needs to find a new past time.
Selling Avon or something.

@Bananarepublic has sensible and sensitive advice, unfortunately I can't quote as it has a quote already.

People are being quite hard on you. Reading it as an outsider, it's clear to see that the friendship was too intense, and could be misinterpreted. But when you're there it's a boiling a frog situation and it's harder to notice - particularly when the friendship means something to you and you don't have many other friends.

Also when I was younger I was a bit naive about male friendships, it would not have occurred to me either that my sweet married OAP male friend could consider our relationship as anything other than platonic friendship. I learned that lesson the hard way a couple of times - as you are doing now OP.

Go on your holiday and try to forget this unpleasantness. You don't owe anybody anything, so you don't need to message his DW or him. Do what makes you feel best, but take it as a sign you need to do something different to expand your social circle.

What have you said to him so far in response to this behaviour from him?

@llamadrama7 I'm vegetarian, I was in an abusive relationship at age 15/16/17 and the guy (he was 17/18/19) knocked at my house. He'd bought a romantic meal for us even though I was trying to get out and grey rock him, my mother said, "he's worked so hard on that, you fucking eat it". It was pasta with pancetta in a sauce. He'd set up a table in my bedroom and we ended up sleeping together because my mum told me she wanted no drama.
I hated him, he had hit me, pushed me, yelled at me, thrown me and called me so many gross names.
But I ate a meal I wasn't comfortable in eating and then had sex with a man I didn't want to sleep with so I wasn't being rude or hurtful.

Now as I say, I'm quite savage. You need to reparent yourself. At first my self esteem was so shit I imagined myself a daughter, "would you want this for her?" Answer is no, I don't have it for me.
Now I think, "do you want this?" If I don't, it's a no.
Sounds simple but it's taken many years.

You'll get there OP, MN has some absolutely brutal posters but you know what, learn from them.
There are some that say things that are so to the point it still shocks me, but I aspire to be like them. These women aren't worrying about creepy old dudes putting them in unfair situations.

You don't have to either 💐

@Bananarepublic I have thought in the past, and suggested to him, that he may have some issues.

It sounds like small things but for example, we once met and he was wearing completely different shoes, they did not even look the same. I pointed this out and he had no idea what I was talking about.

He will also be quite oblivious sometimes, and stand with a cup of tea with it pointing down and spilling all over the floor, until someone points it out. He talks to himself and says things he thinks are in his head but he's saying them out loud like an internal monologue. I once had a voicemail left by accident with 5 minutes of him talking to himself about a whole range of things.

I have said I find it controlling and suffocating sometimes.

He sounds very needy ( being polite). You are not his emotional support human animal. I bet his wife will be devastated when she realise she has to pick up the pieces, you have made her life a lot easier for so long. The texts and messages tell you all you need to know. Block and find nicer friends for days out.

That's not on you. He's got you locked into a very unhealthy dynamic where you're afraid to upset him. He sounds obsessed and manipulative as hell. So unsettling to read.

He has also been hysterical over a past friendship I had with another former colleague who he disliked.

He thinks he owns you and your time. Please tell me you didn't listen?

People are saying I'm naive but he is a retired pensioner - plenty of people have older friends they do things with and it's usually platonic

You are seeing it this way because its platonic on your part, but that doesnt mean he sees it that way. He is behaving like a jealous, controlling boyfriend- that should be telling you he obviously sees this as more than platonic even if nothing sexual has happened. Look at his reaction- crying, insulting, using emotional blackmail etc, people dont behave that way in platonic relationships- they just dont, its really not normal at all. He does see it as more than platonic and you should end this friendship now. Imagine what he'd do if you met a partner!- he'd probably threaten to kill himself or something. You need to end this now, for his sake, his wife's sake and more importantly, your own.

Just adding to the good advice:

STEP AWAY NOW. BLOCK THE NUMBER.

If he somehow manages to message you to threaten self harm, keep the message and show his wife immediately and let her deal with him.

The quicker you step away the quicker the situation will resolve itself.
Don't fanny about, get out of it asap.

This thread reminds me of one from the other day where a person had a married friend fall in love with them, want to see them to discuss it, act in a possessive way. What both threads had in common was an OP that couldn't see how their behaviour was contributing to the situation and an OP that couldn't let go of the friendship or contact, presumably because it was meeting some need.

@Highdaysandholidays1 that thread bears no resemblance to this at all. OP in that thread behaved calmly, rationally and involved her husband in immediately closing down a relationship that she understood straight away had gone completely off the rails. Yes she was heartbroken that her lifelong and otherwise totally appropriate friendship (ah again, different) had ended that way. But her attitude and response was faultless. She let go of the friendship straight away.

He sounds controlling. Friends you had he didn’t like. Now you don’t have any friends but him

Maybe if you didn’t have him around you would make room for friends. At the moment he seems to take up all of your time.

Not everyone on their 30s drinks (although living in a village in my 30s I didn’t talk to anyone for years because life centred around the church and the pub. Moved to London and suddenly found people not drinking wasn’t such a rarity)
You just haven’t found your people.

I would think his wife works more to get away from him than for the need of money.

This guy is not your friend he is your controller and with him around you will never be free to find friendships and relationships with anyone else.

Adding to the cacophony of PP...
OP you're overly focused on the fact that he's older and male and that you can have a friendship with someone of a different age and sex. Of course you can.

So imagine for a second that this is a single female friend of a similar age. And you were meeting multiple times a week, spending all your annual leave together and she was getting hysterical if you suggested seeing each other less or going on holiday without her. Healthy? No, obviously not.

Add into that that this is a married man we're talking about who (I'm presuming here from what you've said about WFH and him coming to your village) comes to your house multiple times a week and it's worse.

Personally I would doubt his wife knows the extent of things but even if she does, there's a difference between her knowing and being happy about it. If he's this controlling with you, imagine how controlling he could be with her.

This isn't healthy for either of you. Or his wife.

@llamadrama7 what is your plan then? Are you going to send that message and contact his wife? Because that is what you have to do. There really is no alternative.

There is nothing wrong with maintaining a friendship with a male ex colleague. But this man seems to think he has some sort of hold on you. He becomes hysterical when your plans for a holiday are announced. He says you have spoilt everything. He says he doesn’t want to be friends anymore…. Did he stamp his foot? Because this is exactly the sort of behaviour 5 year olds demonstrate in the playground..
When he messages you again just simply reply that after his appalling behaviour you think a little break in contact would be advisable for him to consider how he behaved and reflect on it. If he keeps on just block him.

He sees you as more than a friend, OP. And he sounds possessive of your time. I've no doubt he'll be back in touch.

Go on holiday and cut or reduce contact in future.

The thing is OP you're falling into the trap again of thinking about him and his issues. You can't control or influence what's happening for him, only yourself.

The question isn't why is he behaving like this. The question for you is why am I getting into this situation with someone who is unhealthy for me. Why am I not noticing how weird he is and why am I not drawing very clear boundaries from the outset. That's not your fault, it's how you were conditioned and all those people being nasty to you on this thread were lucky enough not to have been conditioned that way. They should be grateful for that not use it as an excuse to give someone else a good kicking.

Read Simonlebonbon's posts. They explain exactly how this happens. It's precisely the kind of thing that happened to me. I can see it in you too because you're focusing on him and not the effect it is having on you.

@saraclara you might be right, when I was reading it the OP was debating whether to take his phone call, had gone to comfort him in the pub and so on and couldn't seem to think about him not being in her life. But I think was coming round, after some Mumsnet shoving, to the idea that was making things worse and cutting things off might be the best approach.

You need to step away from this man OP. It's not going to end well. He's manipulating you. If you get him out of your life there will be space for other people to come in.

I have male friends. DH has female friends. None of them behave like this. Its not normal for either to be so possessive. Surely you know that.