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Original poster

Friend is hysterical over my holiday

533 replies

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 06:52

I have a friend who I meet for lunch a couple of times a week, and we speak on the phone regularly. He is retired and doesn't seem to do much in his days as his wife still works, so the time with me seems to be quite exciting for him.

I enjoy the time and our friendship, but in a few weeks I have the chance to go on holiday for a week elsewhere in the UK with a family member while I have annual leave. I haven't been away in 8 years so I would like to go. I told him and he was hysterical, as he wanted me to go out with him on days out on my annual leave. He said that over this time his wife is away so he could have taken me on longer days out and I've now ruined it.

I feel it's my fault as on my annual leave days in the past we would often go out together (to gardens, historical places etc).

He sent about a hundred messages saying he is in tears, I have ruined the friendship and he doesn't want us to be friends anymore. He insulted my family member too and he said he will be sick all week worried about me.

Not sure how to handle this as I do value the friendship but I don't want him to have a meltdown over it.

OP posts:
Tendu · 23/06/2023 08:03

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:23

Not sure why people don't think it's real. Is it impossible to have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex of a different age?

We have known each other for years through work.

I certainly have friends of both sexes decades older than me whom I originally knew through work, but I don’t have lunch with them twice a week, and talk more regularly to them on the phone, they don’t obsess about minor things they consider ‘dangerous’, and they tend to have rich and more exciting lives than I do — they’re off travelling, spending part of the year in the US, climbing mountains etc. One of them I actually meet to go climbing with.

And crucially, they don’t get hysterical when I say I m not devoting my annual leave to day trips with them!

I still think the puzzling bit of this is your acceptance of this intense, rather suffocating friendship with a retired man who is bored, needy, anxious and hysterically dependent on you. Why do you like it?

HowAmYa · 23/06/2023 08:03

I wonder what would happen if you started dating

I bet you've already thought of that though. How much he would hate it? How he throw a fit if yoh tried to see someone else? There it is. He's having an affair with you. And you don't even see it

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 23/06/2023 08:03

This is one of the most fucked up things I’ve read on here for a while… which is saying something.

BubblestarUK · 23/06/2023 08:03

Hi op, it sounds a bit like your friend may have some form of personality disorder, borderline or emotionally unstable personality disorder, both are becoming more well known about, and it often centres around a friendship that has a designated ‘favourite person’ to those affected. Have a look on Google and have a bit of a read about it, it might make you feel a bit better knowing he’s got an issue.

you sound like a lovely, caring friend, so few people try and help and understand people with mental health conditions, much easier to judge and look down, so please don’t feel bad. Good for you for trying to find a way to help and be kind without going past your boundaries too, I hope you can get some help and feel less responsible.

Mothwingdust · 23/06/2023 08:05

I’m so glad I was not raised with this be kind to boys and men attitude, I’m from a different cultural background though born in England and was just not raised like it at all.

MarigoldGlove · 23/06/2023 08:05

I wonder what would happen if you started dating

Maybe the OP would be in a rare accident!!!Shock

saraclara · 23/06/2023 08:06

BubblestarUK · 23/06/2023 08:03

Hi op, it sounds a bit like your friend may have some form of personality disorder, borderline or emotionally unstable personality disorder, both are becoming more well known about, and it often centres around a friendship that has a designated ‘favourite person’ to those affected. Have a look on Google and have a bit of a read about it, it might make you feel a bit better knowing he’s got an issue.

you sound like a lovely, caring friend, so few people try and help and understand people with mental health conditions, much easier to judge and look down, so please don’t feel bad. Good for you for trying to find a way to help and be kind without going past your boundaries too, I hope you can get some help and feel less responsible.

He's not being kind, so why are you encouraging OP to be?

His mental health is something that his wife will need to address. Not OP.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 23/06/2023 08:07

You do realise that this isn't a normal reaction. A true fried would be chuffed for you and pleased you're getting away in holiday.

I think you should take a massive step back from the friendship, block him if needed until after the holiday and then if you do decide to carry on with the friendship, maybe meet once a month and only a few texts or phone calls inbetween. Certainly not weekly

Tendu · 23/06/2023 08:07

saraclara · 23/06/2023 08:06

He's not being kind, so why are you encouraging OP to be?

His mental health is something that his wife will need to address. Not OP.

Show quote history

His mental is something that is his OWN responsibility, not that of any of the women in his life.

HeidiUpTheMountain · 23/06/2023 08:08

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:43

I have tried - I have said meeting once a week is better for example, but he comes anyway making it difficult to refuse.

I have cut down on phone calls, and keep texting on weekends to a minimum. I've tried to cool it gently

Show quote history

Good grief, he is trampling all over your boundaries and you don’t seem to care! If this was a lover, you would be taking precautions against stalking. Why is this different?

catsnhats11 · 23/06/2023 08:08

I'm actually wondering if the reason you're not in a relationship or have many friends is because of this man! He is taking up all your free time and no doubt manipulating you away from making their connections. You already said he freaked out over a previous friendship (was that person actually a nice person or were his concerns justified). I feel quite angry for you actually.

FireflyJar · 23/06/2023 08:08

JeminaSunshine · 23/06/2023 07:08

He thinks you're having an emotional affair. His poor wife.

Cut contact immediately. Sounds like a tight freak.

Come on, don't be hard on the OP. Women can be friends with older male people, it doesn't have to be an affair. Men IMHO often read more into a friendship than women. Christ, if he is this way inclined, his wife maybe pleased to get shot of him for the day 😂

Jazzappledelish · 23/06/2023 08:09

My spidey senses tell me you are almost as reliant on this friendship as he is.

No local friends and you WFH

PickledPurplePickle · 23/06/2023 08:09

He is far more invested in this than you

Don’t react to his drama or change your plans - he is trying to control you

You need to reduce / end the contact he is obsessed - it is not healthy for either of you

53andABitPodgy · 23/06/2023 08:09

People are saying I'm naive but he is a retired pensioner

You say you are 30's and he is 60's.

This is not a healthy relationship.

Firstly, he might be a retired pensioner, but many men have a massive sense of entitlement when it comes to women, and think that much younger women fancy them and they are in with a chance. I think he is either in love with you, or sees you as some kind of carer/ your job is to entertain him. I bet his wife has had a think about it and is glad that you are his emotional sponge, so she can work and spend as little time with him as possible. She is Charlotte Lucas and he is spending all his time in the front drawing room or at Rosings and she finds herself quite content.

He is not your dad, and you don't need to look after him. I think you need to try and build up your life with new friends and clubs and hobbies to meet people more your own age, and maybe be open to dating.

Farmageddon · 23/06/2023 08:10

TwoFluffyDogsOnMyBed · 23/06/2023 07:59

He’s in love with you and although he probably knows nothing will happen but he can’t stand the thought of losing you because his fantasy is the only thing keeping him going in his dull life.

if you’re naive then so am I op. I got myself into a similar situation with a man who’d just lost his wife. Didn’t occur to me that he had a crush because it had only been a few months!

Interestingly, there is another thread on here from a few days ago with another man crossing the boundaries and declaring his love for his female friend.

As I get older I'm starting to think men and women just can't be friends in the traditional sense - I know some people will probably refute that, but my own experience, and what I have heard time and time again tells me that one person in the friendship will usually take it too far and ruin the dynamic - usually the man.

Bananarepublic · 23/06/2023 08:10

ProfessorXtra · 23/06/2023 07:34

Because it’s completely bizarre that you know of this friends hysterical behaviour and have not spotted his obsession with you.

You first post suggest it’s all come out of the blue. It hasn’t. You know there’s something not right with him. You know he considers you the most interesting thing in his life.

Most people would completely back away. The level of naïveté you are trying to portray is really odd. This level of naïveté usually comes from people who are our and our lying. Or pretending they just didn’t see the waving red flags, because it suited them at the time.

I had a male friend who would string women along. Never give them quite enough for it to be a relationship. But just enough, it stepped beyond friends. Then when it usually blew up into some drama would pretend ‘I though we were just friends…I never promised anything etc’

Show quote history

This is really unfair. I don't think those women were out and out lying although the man was definitely lying in that scenario. Manipulative people like this guy sounds are very good at spotting people who haven't got great boundaries.

OP I think you'd really benefit from a few sessions of counselling with someone who specialises on working with people who struggle with their boundaries. Just because red flags are obvious to some people doesn't mean they are to others. I had very porous boundaries as a young woman for instance because I was a) brought up to please my parents and look after their needs and b) my parents were intrusive and over-involved in my life and business so I didn't notice other intrusive people as being odd.

i don't mean to be hurtful but I also think you sound lonely. That's a hard thing to deal with but again it's something you could explore in therapy. Loneliness is something that can emerge from past history and is not just down to people's current circumstances. A relationship you can build with your counsellor can be a really solid platform for you to explore other more healthy relationships with others outside of counselling. However, you need a really good counsellor who you can trust and be warm and supportive but not overstep your boundaries. You don't want to repeat past bad experiences. Speak to a few people before choosing someone who really understands what you need and is prepared and skilled enough to offer you more than just a chat.

Good luck.

thepantsoffmethod · 23/06/2023 08:11

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:53

I am worried about what he will do if I just disappear entirely. In case he harms himself or something.

If he does, that is entirely his problem, not yours.

This whole thing is both crazy and disturbing.

He sounds unhinged and as if he might have serious stalker potential. I'd send him a polite message (SimonsCow puts it well) and then have nothing more to do with him, ever.

Flashingtealights · 23/06/2023 08:11

Agreeing with the majority of pp who are stating this is an emotional affair, def on his part. What normal adult throws a fit about their friend going on a family holiday. It's not normal. Maybe he is showing signs of cognitive impairment , angry outbursts can be an early indication. However I feel it's more likely he's just a nasty selfish old man who 'doesn't want to be friends anymore' because you are planning something over which he has no control. Honestly him not wanting to be friends with you is your absolute best case scenario.
Persevere with trying to find friends your own age. It takes more than messages, arrange a coffee date. Join some Fb pages for hobbies you enjoy, or women's friendship pages and put yourself out there. It requires effort but it will be worth it . Hanging out with a possessive controlling old guy in his 70's who kicks off every time you can't meet up is just nuts and fairly unhealthy. I can't understand why anyone would continue doing it.
He's married , his mental health (or lack of) is his wife's concern, dint make it yours.

saraclara · 23/06/2023 08:11

Tendu · 23/06/2023 08:07

His mental is something that is his OWN responsibility, not that of any of the women in his life.

Show quote history

I didn't say it was the wife's responsibility, but if he's hysterical, he's not going to get to the doctors by himself, so she IS the one who, for her own sake as well as his, will need to support him getting help

My DH had mental health problems at one stage (fortunately not presenting remotely like this). He needed my support and he got it.

Jazzappledelish · 23/06/2023 08:11

* I mean the time with me seems to be the most fun thing in his life.*

you don’t have any local friends
you are single and live alone
You work full time from home
You haven’t been away for 8 years and “have the chance” of a holiday with a family member

OP it sounds like these lunches may well be the most fun thing in your life

Moveoverdarlin · 23/06/2023 08:12

I wouldn’t meet my best friends twice a week, the meetings are far to regular. If you do get the relationship back on track after your holiday, I would scale them right back.

toomuchlaundry · 23/06/2023 08:12

@45387pob think the issue here is that this man seems to be the OP’s only friend (well local one anyway) If they were such great friends too I would assume that sometimes their meets up etc would include the wife

MotherofGorgons · 23/06/2023 08:12

ThisIsACoolUserName · 23/06/2023 07:59

I have a friend who I meet for lunch a couple of times a week, and we speak on the phone regularly.

Christ, I'd find that so suffocating! I barely have that much contact with my own husband!

Right?

saraclara · 23/06/2023 08:13

Also @Tendu you post as if this is a feminist issue. It's not. There are plenty of male partners supporting their wives/partners through mental health crises. And if they didn't they'd be shot down in flames on mumsnet.