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Original poster

Friend is hysterical over my holiday

533 replies

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 06:52

I have a friend who I meet for lunch a couple of times a week, and we speak on the phone regularly. He is retired and doesn't seem to do much in his days as his wife still works, so the time with me seems to be quite exciting for him.

I enjoy the time and our friendship, but in a few weeks I have the chance to go on holiday for a week elsewhere in the UK with a family member while I have annual leave. I haven't been away in 8 years so I would like to go. I told him and he was hysterical, as he wanted me to go out with him on days out on my annual leave. He said that over this time his wife is away so he could have taken me on longer days out and I've now ruined it.

I feel it's my fault as on my annual leave days in the past we would often go out together (to gardens, historical places etc).

He sent about a hundred messages saying he is in tears, I have ruined the friendship and he doesn't want us to be friends anymore. He insulted my family member too and he said he will be sick all week worried about me.

Not sure how to handle this as I do value the friendship but I don't want him to have a meltdown over it.

OP posts:
MarigoldGlove · 23/06/2023 07:55

I also think you have to end it completely.

You've tried already to dial,it back and he took no notice of what you wanted. Can you see how he doesn't care what you want - only want he wants.

Most people are pleased when a friend or when a partner is going on holiday or doing something lovely. They automatically think 'oh, that will be enjoyable for my friend.' When you care about someone you want them to have a nice time.

Simonlebonbon · 23/06/2023 07:55

MotherofGorgons · 23/06/2023 07:48

It always baffles me how MNers get themselves into this kind of situation.

Often as little girls we're taught to be passive and nice and "good". Honestly the way I was raised was to have zero boundaries with men and no self respect. I could write a book on the shit I've gotten myself into "trying to be nice".

Takes years of retraining the brain to not just be passive. My own mothers words of wisdom to me when I was no older than 7, "when you're grown up Simonlebonbon, if you're lucky, your husband won't hit you".
Doesn't make your standards massively high, sadly.

saraclara · 23/06/2023 07:55

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:53

I am worried about what he will do if I just disappear entirely. In case he harms himself or something.

Which is why you tell his wife that you're worried about him.

MarigoldGlove · 23/06/2023 07:55

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:53

I am worried about what he will do if I just disappear entirely. In case he harms himself or something.

This is not your responsibility.

Emotionalsupportviper · 23/06/2023 07:56

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:53

I am worried about what he will do if I just disappear entirely. In case he harms himself or something.

That is not your responsibility.

Seriously - it is NOT!

You can't be responsible for other people's erratic behaviour. He may threaten, he may even try" something - it's not your problem.

SilverPeacock · 23/06/2023 07:56

I don’t really think it matters whether he has romantic feelings or not as ages are irrelevant. The point is the behaviour is completely inappropriate in the context of any kind of relationship. Controlling and manipulative. PP who have said step away from this now are right.

Starchipenterprise · 23/06/2023 07:57

I really don’t understand - you are in your 30’s - he is in his sixties.Really weird.

Namechangedforthis2244 · 23/06/2023 07:57

If you are confident that both he and his wife see this friendship as platonic then I would call her and tell her that you think her husband is having a breakdown.

Explain that he is in tears because you’re going on holiday, has sent you hundreds of messages and that has made you feel really uncomfortable. Recommend that she takes him to the doctors.

If you don’t feel able to do that then I think that you know deep down that they see this friendship as more than platonic. In which case you need to completely cut contact.

catsnhats11 · 23/06/2023 07:58

Interesting he was hysterical over a previous friendship, a man by any chance? Unless your other friendship was indeed unhealthy then this was your red flag to run.

Seriously OP it's gone beyond the point of letting him down gently, it needs to be over and do not contact him on holiday! I'd advise chatting your family about it on your holiday, they know you and Im sure will offer you the same advice. Enjoy your holiday the break will hopefully give you a fresh perspective.

53andABitPodgy · 23/06/2023 07:58

He sent about a hundred messages saying he is in tears, I have ruined the friendship and he doesn't want us to be friends anymore.

Respond;

"That's a shame. I understand. Take care, BYE"

And block.

storypushers · 23/06/2023 07:58

I thought meeting him more than once a week for lunch seemed a bit OTT before I even read the rest. Especially if you're fitting this in with work as well. This sounds like more than friendship, especially on his part. Please go on your trip. He's nuts, sitting in tears ffs!

LittleBrenda · 23/06/2023 07:58

*Often as little girls we're taught to be passive and nice and "good". Honestly the way I was raised was to have zero boundaries with men and no self respect. I could write a book on the shit I've gotten myself into "trying to be nice".

Takes years of retraining the brain to not just be passive. My own mothers words of wisdom to me when I was no older than 7, "when you're grown up Simonlebonbon, if you're lucky, your husband won't hit you".
Doesn't make your standards massively high, sadly.*

This is very true sadly. Keep sweet. Be kind.

In your opening post you even hint that you would consider not going on your holiday just because some bloke doesn't want you too.

Advicerequest · 23/06/2023 07:58

This is not a normal reaction. He is being extremely manipulative (and obviously inappropriate). He is being hugely disrespectful to his wife (which also reflects badly on him). He sounds nuts and even dangerous.
You sound naive.
go on holiday. Back away.

LIZS · 23/06/2023 07:59

There are separate issues here. His complete overreaction to a perfectly normal thing for you to plan to do. His feeling that he should be able to control what you do in your free time for his benefit. And a very uncomfortable relationship based on some codependency, even though he has a partner. How often do you meet if it was fortnightly? For many that would be frequently enough. It sounds as if you need to distance yourself, meet at a cafe less often , delay returning messages, not speak as often etc. He needs to get a life beyond you or his home.

Original poster
llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:59

@Simonlebonbon yes this is true. As a child my mum would always tell me to 'be kind' even if someone was overstepping boundaries. For example a boy in my class at primary school kept asking me to be his girlfriend and tried to kiss me on the cheek. My mum told me to 'be kind' and it was nice he liked me 🙄

OP posts:
MotherofGorgons · 23/06/2023 07:59

I bet his poor wife has another thread on MN about how her retired husband has gone completely bonkers. Honestly she's spent years putting up with this man so he can chase around after you?

TwoFluffyDogsOnMyBed · 23/06/2023 07:59

He’s in love with you and although he probably knows nothing will happen but he can’t stand the thought of losing you because his fantasy is the only thing keeping him going in his dull life.

if you’re naive then so am I op. I got myself into a similar situation with a man who’d just lost his wife. Didn’t occur to me that he had a crush because it had only been a few months!

ThisIsACoolUserName · 23/06/2023 07:59

I have a friend who I meet for lunch a couple of times a week, and we speak on the phone regularly.

Christ, I'd find that so suffocating! I barely have that much contact with my own husband!

GreyCarpet · 23/06/2023 08:00

Emotionalsupportviper · 23/06/2023 07:56

That is not your responsibility.

Seriously - it is NOT!

You can't be responsible for other people's erratic behaviour. He may threaten, he may even try" something - it's not your problem.

Show quote history

Quite. You're allowed to go on holiday ffs!

PandaChopChop · 23/06/2023 08:00

Maireas · 23/06/2023 07:54

Here we go. Emotional control. You've got to end this and get advice and support.

Show quote history

This.

OP I fully believe you can have platonic friendships with people of the other sex, I have many, but this is absolutely nuts on his behalf and wildly inappropriate. You need to get some advice and cut him off.

45387pob · 23/06/2023 08:00

There are some weird hysterical reactions on this thread (perfectly normal to post about friendships on the Relationships board ffs!). Normally posters are adamant that friendships with the opposite sex are absolutely fine and normal, and anyone who says they aren't is controlling and insecure.

I have a lovely friend in their 80s, shock horror. We have lunch occasionally, we go out occasionally, difference is she's female so I suppose the pearl clutches on here would be fine with that. I also have an older male friend/ neighbour who I've been out to visit local places of interest with a couple of times - my husband doesn't bat an eyelid. DH has a couple of female friends he plays golf with - fine by me.

You said quite clearly that this man's wife knows he meets up with you, yet a few posters are adamant she doesn't know!?

Anyway, I think his reaction is completely unacceptable and you do need to cool this friendship. He's become territorial and yes it's highly likely his interest in you is more than platonic. I can't imagine he'd have responded the same way to a male friend going away for a week. It sounds like he's in an unhealthy place mentally, and I've witnessed it before with retired people. When they have little to occupy their time they can become obsessive and paranoid as they overthink and hyperfocus on mundane things. You've witnessed his OTT behaviour before, so you know he's not emotionally mature generally.

You've done nothing wrong OP, but I think you need to put some space between you and this man. You thought it was a friendship but his extreme reaction to you going away shows he sees you as more than that. It's not your fault and you shouldn't change your behaviour to appease him.

Can you look into local Meetup groups to make other friends? Or even start your own - I did.

catsnhats11 · 23/06/2023 08:00

Namechangedforthis2244 · 23/06/2023 07:57

If you are confident that both he and his wife see this friendship as platonic then I would call her and tell her that you think her husband is having a breakdown.

Explain that he is in tears because you’re going on holiday, has sent you hundreds of messages and that has made you feel really uncomfortable. Recommend that she takes him to the doctors.

If you don’t feel able to do that then I think that you know deep down that they see this friendship as more than platonic. In which case you need to completely cut contact.

Good advice

Emotionalsupportviper · 23/06/2023 08:00

LittleBrenda · 23/06/2023 07:58

*Often as little girls we're taught to be passive and nice and "good". Honestly the way I was raised was to have zero boundaries with men and no self respect. I could write a book on the shit I've gotten myself into "trying to be nice".

Takes years of retraining the brain to not just be passive. My own mothers words of wisdom to me when I was no older than 7, "when you're grown up Simonlebonbon, if you're lucky, your husband won't hit you".
Doesn't make your standards massively high, sadly.*

This is very true sadly. Keep sweet. Be kind.

In your opening post you even hint that you would consider not going on your holiday just because some bloke doesn't want you too.

In your opening post you even hint that you would consider not going on your holiday just because some bloke doesn't want you too.

And that would be the WORST possible thing P could do - give in to these very unreasonable demands by a man who is clearly mentally unwell.

It would give him control over her behaviour, and his would escalate.

Emotionalsupportviper · 23/06/2023 08:01

OP, not P

Sorry

MathsandStats · 23/06/2023 08:01

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:53

I am worried about what he will do if I just disappear entirely. In case he harms himself or something.

Well that tells you everything you need to know about this being an emotional affair, then.
He has a wife, why would he harm himself because he can't see a friend?

This is emotional blackmail, one of the oldest tricks in the book for keeping a woman under control, and not your problem to deal with.

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