Friend is hysterical over my holiday

[llamadrama7]

I have a friend who I meet for lunch a couple of times a week, and we speak on the phone regularly. He is retired and doesn't seem to do much in his days as his wife still works, so the time with me seems to be quite exciting for him.

I enjoy the time and our friendship, but in a few weeks I have the chance to go on holiday for a week elsewhere in the UK with a family member while I have annual leave. I haven't been away in 8 years so I would like to go. I told him and he was hysterical, as he wanted me to go out with him on days out on my annual leave. He said that over this time his wife is away so he could have taken me on longer days out and I've now ruined it.

I feel it's my fault as on my annual leave days in the past we would often go out together (to gardens, historical places etc).

He sent about a hundred messages saying he is in tears, I have ruined the friendship and he doesn't want us to be friends anymore. He insulted my family member too and he said he will be sick all week worried about me.

Not sure how to handle this as I do value the friendship but I don't want him to have a meltdown over it.

Exactly. And to be honest I'd rather be completely friendless than have this man as my only friend.

Why are you partaking in this tomfoolery? Stop hanging about with horny married pensioners and find some friends your own age.

Exactly. I said this earlier but its always the much younger women these men pick to relieve their "loneliness" isnt it? They never EVER approach other men for friendship or women their own age. OP- you need to really think about this- why do you think this is because if it was just genuine loneliness, they wouldnt target only much younger women

@llamadrama7 in your opening post you seemed to ask for advice as you said,

Not sure how to handle this as I do value the friendship

Having read everyone's replies, what are you going to do going forward?

@silverfullmoon · Today 12:29

Girl, surely you have other friendship options than a creepy, obsessive old married man who wears mismatched shoes and dribbles tea down himself?!

I think the man sounds like a creep, but WTF is THAT comment about? Bit ageist and rude.

The op literally said he’d gone out in wildly mismatched shoes before, and will absently stand around spilling his tea all over without noticing. How is that ageist or rude? In comparison to the op the man is old. He’s married. He sounds creepy and obsessive. Nothing there but facts.

How is it ageist? OP literally said she’s noticed he wears odd shoes and doesn’t notice when he’s holding a cup upside down and tea goes all over the floor and when she points it out he still doesn’t realise. That’s indicative of dementia. He is also over 30 years older than her and married. I’m saying surely she could make friends nearer her own age than have to act as his carer which it seems she is doing. She’s not responsible for him.

How is it ageist when it's specifically about instances OP mentioned about this man?

There's not one thing there that isn't a fact.
The mismatched shoes and dribbling tea were not made up for dramatic effect by silverfullmoon. The OP said that those things had happened.

I told him I am going on the holiday and I am not comfortable with how he seems to own me and the reaction was even worse than I imagined. I said I have to have a life and do things I want to do, I won't ask permission.

He started shouting and crying, and said I should treat him better after everything he has done for me (ie. Meeting me and chatting with me, having the friendship with me and being my only friend of sorts). He was very insulting about my family member and asked why I would want to go away with such a loser. He then said he was going for a drive and he doesn't know how he will be able to think straight now, and I have 'killed' him emotionally.

I am worried about his state of mind tbh, as this seems so insane to me that he could get this worked up.

OP- then call his bluff and ask the police to do a welfare check on him. He's trying to manipulate you. Once he knows you wont go running yourself and the police check him he'll soon stop this manipulative BS.

Ah fuck him. He's not your problem, if he drives off a cliff so be it (he won't though, because his main focus is getting his rocks off on controlling you)

Why haven't you blocked him?!

Jesus, he’s the drama llama, who does he think he is? Morgan Freeman or something. Block the idiot. Cut him out of your life.

Too right. My Dad was quite lonely after my Mam died. He managed not to start up a "friendship" with some younger woman to relieve his loneliness. He hung around with his (male) mates from his choir, a mixed group of friends his own age from church and a woman a couple of years older than him who had a common interest.

OP's friend is a creep. He's got a wife at home for one thing. And if he's lonely he could join some kind of hobby/social group and hang around with age-appropriate friends. But no.... he's hanging around with OP most of the time and then going "testerical" when he finds out she's using her annual leave to go on holiday and not spend it with him.

I am worried about his state of mind tbh, as this seems so insane to me that he could get this worked up.

Not your problem.

Stop worrying about him - if he's a loose cannon with MH issues it isn't your problem to fix that.

Tell his wife if you're that concerned - and block him. You'd be a fool to do anything other than this quite frankly. Unless as your username suggests you are enjoying the drama and attention?

😆

Block him on everything - dont answer the door if he turns up either. He sounds unhinged and needs help. He’s not the person you thought of as a friend but you are better off without him trying to control you!

Yes, it IS insane.

Protect yourself, OP. Tell his wife then cut contact. Don’t get worried, get angry!

I thought he'd already said he didn't want to be your friend any more?
This reaction after saying that just shows you that everything he says is designed to manipulate you.

Block and move on. I've no idea why you haven't already.

Just message his wife and give her a short version of what happened. Then say the friendship is too much for you so you're going to step away, then block both of them.

He has a wife to worry about him, that's not your job.

He isn't your responsibility. You've done nothing wrong. He is acting in a controlling, demanding, worrying way.

It's nothing to do with the age gap, or the fact he's a man. What's worrying is that a friend of yours thinks they own you, that you shouldn't have other friends, that you shouldn't ne enjoying life unless you're with them. It isn't normal and it isn't a healthy friendship.

Go on your holiday. Back right away. And if you're concerned or feel bad (you shouldn't) honestly in your situation, and as you already know his wife, I think I'd have a chat with her, and explain you are worried about his mental state.

If this is true- beginning to have my doubts- call his wife, block both of them and if he turns up at your house again, call the police.

🤣 I did think it's a shame MN doesn't have a Guardian Soulmates type of set up; he'd be a perfect match for the Screamer. They could visit various museums, galleries and cultural hotspots and scream and cry to their hearts' content.

Sadly this is true. To be honest I have been worried about upsetting him for a long time, but worried about his reaction if I block. I have tried to slowly distance myself instead but it hasn't worked.

OK, so now you're going to do it though?