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Original poster

Friend is hysterical over my holiday

533 replies

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 06:52

I have a friend who I meet for lunch a couple of times a week, and we speak on the phone regularly. He is retired and doesn't seem to do much in his days as his wife still works, so the time with me seems to be quite exciting for him.

I enjoy the time and our friendship, but in a few weeks I have the chance to go on holiday for a week elsewhere in the UK with a family member while I have annual leave. I haven't been away in 8 years so I would like to go. I told him and he was hysterical, as he wanted me to go out with him on days out on my annual leave. He said that over this time his wife is away so he could have taken me on longer days out and I've now ruined it.

I feel it's my fault as on my annual leave days in the past we would often go out together (to gardens, historical places etc).

He sent about a hundred messages saying he is in tears, I have ruined the friendship and he doesn't want us to be friends anymore. He insulted my family member too and he said he will be sick all week worried about me.

Not sure how to handle this as I do value the friendship but I don't want him to have a meltdown over it.

OP posts:
shiningstar2 · 23/06/2023 10:03

I would step well back from this friendship op. You see this as friendship he obviously sees it as a lot more if he can't hear for you to go on holiday. Also it is strange that he is expecting far more of you than of his own wife. She can go away but he is 'hysterical' at the thought of you doing the same. 🤔 This seems very much linked to him wanting a different level of time with you while she is away which is always suspect and he is quite open about this so clearly hoped you would feel the same. You were having a platonic friendship with an old colleague, he is having an emotional affair and may well have envisaged taking things further while his wife was away. Don't allow him to dictate your holiday plans and if he continues with the pressure end the friendship

BansheeofInisherin · 23/06/2023 10:03

KR2023 · 23/06/2023 10:01

Fgs dont tell him you are going to the Sistine chapel, he will have a complete meltdown

😅😅😅

Paxosnaxos · 23/06/2023 10:03

SeaSaltAir · 23/06/2023 09:32

he doesn't want us to be friends anymore.

I’d tell him you agree with him and accept his offer.

This. This is your opportunity to end this cleanly - he is effectively the one ending the relationship

Zodfa · 23/06/2023 10:08

Decent men avoid this kind of close friendship with much younger women because they know that even if their intentions aren't sexual, it will still look like they are.

Christinatherabbit · 23/06/2023 10:09

There is something very wrong about all of this. From your updates it's sounds like there are some other issues going on. Possibly early onset dementia or similar. He's reactions are not healthy and are abnormal. It's now not only causing him distress but also you which is not how friendship or any type of 'relationship' should work. I think you are no longer in a position to help him (and he clearly needs help) you need to contact his wife and let her know you are really worried. If he gets upset you tell him as you care about him as a friend you were so worried you felt he needed more support than you could give! Then you need to step away and as others have said find some other friends because this one is no good for you. I got a job in a pub after being a sahm for 10 years not because we needed money but I needed the socialisation! Could this be an option? One evening a week perhaps? Or at a cafe/restaurant if you don't like pub environments? What about volunteering at a charity shop?

moonlitwalks · 23/06/2023 10:16

shiningstar2 · 23/06/2023 10:03

I would step well back from this friendship op. You see this as friendship he obviously sees it as a lot more if he can't hear for you to go on holiday. Also it is strange that he is expecting far more of you than of his own wife. She can go away but he is 'hysterical' at the thought of you doing the same. 🤔 This seems very much linked to him wanting a different level of time with you while she is away which is always suspect and he is quite open about this so clearly hoped you would feel the same. You were having a platonic friendship with an old colleague, he is having an emotional affair and may well have envisaged taking things further while his wife was away. Don't allow him to dictate your holiday plans and if he continues with the pressure end the friendship

These were my thoughts too- so, its fine for his own wife to go away (and he's not in the least bit hysterical about that at all) but the OP cant? That says it all to me and I also suspect that he was hoping something sexual would happen whilst his wife was away and him and the OP were on one of these "longer days out" he's planned. He's planned out this whole scenario in his head and now OP has "ruined it" in his own words. Hence, this outpouring of tears and vitriol for the OP as a result, now he knows this isnt gonna happen.

OP- I understand you saw it as platonic but the above reeks of sexual interest from him and I am a little surprised this hasnt occurred to you even once, considering that he seems completely unbothered by his wife's absence but hysterical about yours...

oakleaffy · 23/06/2023 10:17

He clearly has feelings for you.
Don't change your plans, he sounds very hard work and unstable.

Back off, he sounds very manipulative, too, the crying &c.

Nanny0gg · 23/06/2023 10:17

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:25

A friendship is a relationship isn't it?

As I have previously said, we haven't been out on a day trip for a long time - last year as there were a few specific events taking place.

Show quote history

Oh come on!!

This is way more than a friendship!

Scirocco · 23/06/2023 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

formulaonecar · 23/06/2023 10:22

What is it with these older men's loneliness only being cured by the company of much younger women? Their loneliness can never be cured by the company of other men or similarly aged women can it! Why, its almost as if they have another agenda isnt it?

Come on OP- its as plain as day whats going on here- we can all see it, you need to wake up and see whats really going on here.

BMW6 · 23/06/2023 10:22

Well to be kind to him (and his wife) you need to end this "friendship" entirely and for good.

He has an unhealthy attachment/obsession with you and it needs shutting down NOW.

BansheeofInisherin · 23/06/2023 10:24

This is like Single White Female except Married Older Man.

weleasewoderick23 · 23/06/2023 10:24

MichelleScarn · 23/06/2023 07:54

Does he like Italy? There's a poster on mn who could take him to historical chapels in Rome, sounds they'd get along.

😂😂😂. Good one.

SweetBirdsong · 23/06/2023 10:30

He sounds utterly unhinged, and also obsessed with you. Not a good match. Start distancing yourself NOW @llamadrama7 and ghost him ASAP.

His poor wife! Confused

NancyJoan · 23/06/2023 10:30

If he's said he doesn't want your friendship anymore, take him at his word. He is not your responsibility, and he sounds frighteningly obsessed with you.

Playingchesswithpigeons · 23/06/2023 10:33

OP
If you are currently feeling it would be best to cool this friendship, hopefully now recognising signs other posters have highlighted, would it be better to ask for a template/draft email on how to respond?

A huge percentage of posters see your relationship very one sided, controlling and not equal. Would you truly miss him, if you now found this opportunity the perfect time to cut contact?

Could you reply;

Dear Nutter ( friend )
I feel hurt and quite astonished reading your last text, after learning I will be going away for a week with family. You did assume we could spend a day together during my leave, but we didn't arrange this and I'm really looking forward to this break away.
Your response regarding us not meeting during my leave, is hurtful and quite spiteful and I'm not sure what you are expecting from me. We are simply friends, who text and catch up once a week and have mutual interests.
I agree that we should now stop contact, wishing you all the best, Llama

You do not need to give him anything more, you owe him nothing and if he cries, shouts, screams further, that's power, control and gas lighting, none of which should be present, especially with friends!

Enjoy your holiday, learn from this friendship, how the next ones shouldn't be.

ripplingwater · 23/06/2023 10:36

What's the difference between a friendship and an emotional affair? Genuine question

Well, basically:

  1. Normal friends dont get angry and hysterical when one friend hangs out with a member of the opposite sex
  2. Normal friends dont turn up on your doorstep uninvited when you've specifically told them no
  3. Normal friends dont become hysterical when you go on holiday and scream and cry
  4. Normal friends dont message you 100 times and insult members of your family when they cant get their own way
  5. Normal friends dont threaten to end a friendship just because you wont bow to their unreasonable demands
  6. Normal friends dont try to make you feel guilty for having a life of your own and they dont try to control you

However, if in his eyes, if he was having an emotional affair with you, the above behaviour makes total sense (although its still fcked up, obviously).

Dorrmouse · 23/06/2023 10:36

Uh huh. Classic cake and eat it bloke. He thinks you're his bit on the side, sorry. He has no right to tell you what to do with your life and annual leave. I agree with people telling you to run for the hills. Why doesn't he have hobbies and other friends, for goodness sake, if his wife is still working? Contact his wife if you must but prepare for a heap of anger once she finds out.

Thelnebriati · 23/06/2023 10:37

I agree that we should now stop contact, do not contact me again. Llama

Forget all the flowery language; it just gives him hope he can rekindle things.

SweetBirdsong · 23/06/2023 10:40

@Scirocco

Do you think he could be autistic, @llamadrama7?

Oh FFS. Angry I don't even know where to start with this predictable, tired old chestnut! Hmm

SweetBirdsong · 23/06/2023 10:41

ripplingwater · 23/06/2023 10:36

What's the difference between a friendship and an emotional affair? Genuine question

Well, basically:

  1. Normal friends dont get angry and hysterical when one friend hangs out with a member of the opposite sex
  2. Normal friends dont turn up on your doorstep uninvited when you've specifically told them no
  3. Normal friends dont become hysterical when you go on holiday and scream and cry
  4. Normal friends dont message you 100 times and insult members of your family when they cant get their own way
  5. Normal friends dont threaten to end a friendship just because you wont bow to their unreasonable demands
  6. Normal friends dont try to make you feel guilty for having a life of your own and they dont try to control you

However, if in his eyes, if he was having an emotional affair with you, the above behaviour makes total sense (although its still fcked up, obviously).

100% this. ^

Sparkletastic · 23/06/2023 10:44

To add - an emotional affair is where one or both of the parties feels there is potential for it to become intimate / sexual. This isn't the case in a friendship.

Lochjeda · 23/06/2023 10:44

I think its maybe time to contact his wife regarding your concerns about his health, his intensity of the friendship and the reactions and you wanting to take a step back a bit and him not allowing that and overstepping boundaries.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 23/06/2023 10:46

I can’t think why you even need to ask. The bloke is completely OTT and TBH sounds bonkers. I’d detach myself PDQ.

dickheed · 23/06/2023 10:46

He sent about a hundred messages saying he is in tears, I have ruined the friendship and he doesn't want us to be friends anymore

Good. Bye.

OP, surely you cannot be this naive. He is having an emotional affair with you, irrespective of whether you think you are just friends or not. All of this is extremely unfair to his wife and you should have stopped this long ago. The "friendship" is totally inappropriate.
I'm not convinced by your "wide-eyed innocence" about this friendship - repeatedly asking posters why an older man and younger woman can't be friends. Yes, of course they can, but this has gone way beyond that and you either can't or won't see it.
I'm wondering what experience you have of relationships, whether perhaps you haven't had (m)any. You just don't seem to be wise to the way of the world at all.

This "friendship" needs to end immediately. Terminate it before anything worse happens. His reaction is awful.
You say what if he tries to end his life because of it - well, sorry, but if he does, that is his decision. He is controlling you and manipulating you and any threats to end his life would just be a continuation of this behaviour. You cannot continue to put yourself at risk because he may or may not choose to end his life. Tell his wife if you are worried.