Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend is hysterical over my holiday

533 replies

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 06:52

I have a friend who I meet for lunch a couple of times a week, and we speak on the phone regularly. He is retired and doesn't seem to do much in his days as his wife still works, so the time with me seems to be quite exciting for him.

I enjoy the time and our friendship, but in a few weeks I have the chance to go on holiday for a week elsewhere in the UK with a family member while I have annual leave. I haven't been away in 8 years so I would like to go. I told him and he was hysterical, as he wanted me to go out with him on days out on my annual leave. He said that over this time his wife is away so he could have taken me on longer days out and I've now ruined it.

I feel it's my fault as on my annual leave days in the past we would often go out together (to gardens, historical places etc).

He sent about a hundred messages saying he is in tears, I have ruined the friendship and he doesn't want us to be friends anymore. He insulted my family member too and he said he will be sick all week worried about me.

Not sure how to handle this as I do value the friendship but I don't want him to have a meltdown over it.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 23/06/2023 09:30

I believe completely that you see him only as a friend. I have seen this before with younger women and much older male friends. In the woman's eyes the man is so much older as to be asexual, while in the man's eyes he is still a viral and attractive option. It nearly always ends up in a conflict like this.

I am afraid you are going to have to forget about "being kind" and be very clear instead. He does not get to control you and your life, and if he can't behave himself, then he gets no part in it. It does sound like he might have health issues going on, but those are for his wife and family to deal with, not you.

SeaSaltAir · 23/06/2023 09:32

he doesn't want us to be friends anymore.

I’d tell him you agree with him and accept his offer.

Sunshineishere1988 · 23/06/2023 09:32

This is the most bizarre behavior. Im guessing he thinks it is alot more than just a friendship. I wouldn’t want to be friends with anyone who goes into meltdown over my holiday plans (he needs help). Sadly I think the best thing to do is cut this friendship completely.

Mmhmmn · 23/06/2023 09:32

A303 · 23/06/2023 07:01

Sounds like a 15 year old boy in a zip-up mansuit.

Why are there just SO MANY of them... 🤔

Phoenix1Arisen · 23/06/2023 09:35

Please don't be tempted to have an 'occasional meet or chat' friendship with him.

It won't work for the same reasons you can't have a 'slight touch of pregnancy'. You either are or are not. Good luck.

HScully · 23/06/2023 09:36

I have has similar problems with older men at work. The last being a gentleman in his 60's when I am in my 30's. I believe I am in a platonic friendship - I am gay and in a relationship so 100% not interested - they are aware of this. Then I find over time it becomes apparent that they want more, and I end up distancing myself. It is unfortunate, because it could be a great friendship and then it makes me feel uncomfortable at work.

In one job I was in my 20's a guy in his 40's worked there, we discovered we had similar interests and mutual friends. One lunch we went for a coffee and a cake. He told the whole office we had been on a date FFS!

I have learnt my lesson now and wont encourage any friendships like this. I know its not all men but honestly it appears to be a lit off them.

I would tell him his is being inappropriate, controlling and unfair. Enjoy your holiday

leopard22 · 23/06/2023 09:39

You need to tell him in no uncertain terms how inappropriate and weird he's being

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 23/06/2023 09:40

Sounds like a major flag for emotionally unstable personality disorder.

ChaToilLeam · 23/06/2023 09:40

How dare this man make such demands of you? OP, this is a crazy situation. I bet he had plans lined up for you while his wife was away. Plans that you wouldn’t like.

Whatever the reason for his behaviour - mental deterioration, being a controlling arse or both - you must put a stop to this.

Speak to his wife, tell her you are concerned about his recent behaviour, and then end the friendship. Have a wonderful holiday and do NOT look back. This man has been suffocating you for too long, you need a life of your own.

UnctuousUnicorns · 23/06/2023 09:42

I think you know what you need to do - cut this person out of your life completely. Block all contact. He is not a friend; he is obsessed with you, a married woman who is not his wife. Walk away, very far away. And enjoy your holiday!

stallonesbicep · 23/06/2023 09:43

sonjadog · 23/06/2023 09:30

I believe completely that you see him only as a friend. I have seen this before with younger women and much older male friends. In the woman's eyes the man is so much older as to be asexual, while in the man's eyes he is still a viral and attractive option. It nearly always ends up in a conflict like this.

I am afraid you are going to have to forget about "being kind" and be very clear instead. He does not get to control you and your life, and if he can't behave himself, then he gets no part in it. It does sound like he might have health issues going on, but those are for his wife and family to deal with, not you.

I agree with this. The problem with "be kind" is that its always directed at women and we have been socialised that being kind means not being able to put in our own perfectly reasonable boundaries. He is not being kind to you at all- in fact, it sounds like as soon as you put in a perfectly reasonable boundary (going on holiday) he became really quite nasty, manipulative, stalkerish and he insulted your family- thats not "kind" by any stretch of the imagination. He has been incredibly rude, offensive, manipulative and insulting towards you. Where is his kindness in this scenario?- its non existent.

Maybe he has dementia, maybe MH problems but it doesnt really matter, what matters is that you do not have to put up with this kind of nasty behaviour and you shouldnt. He is not your responsibility. You are not his carer and you are not his wife.

I also agree that he has feelings for you. I have known of many, many dynamics like this where a younger women assumed a friendship with an older man was completely platonic, and viewed them just as a friend or mentor whilst the older man saw it as much more and then it always ends in some kind of nasty confrontation where the man eventually tried it on and then became furious for being turned down. I am not saying all older men are like this but I believe its staggeringly common, sadly. Many older men have this skewed view of themselves as attractive and important and seem utterly baffled that a younger woman wouldnt want them. I have seen this scenario happen so many times that it has made me extremely wary of forging friendships with much older men for this reason. It rarely ends well. End it and end it now.

UnctuousUnicorns · 23/06/2023 09:45

(Edit) Sorry, I mean a woman who is not his wife; it's unclear if you're married or have a partner yourself. But my original point still stands. This "friendship" is far from healthy.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/06/2023 09:49

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:23

Not sure why people don't think it's real. Is it impossible to have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex of a different age?

We have known each other for years through work.

I have male friends with a similar gap. If we lived closer I could absolutely see us doing the odd lunch etc. But it's the DEPENDENCY and FREQUENCY.

He can't cope not seeing you or is willing to try and manipulate you into believing that.
He wants to take advantage of his wife being away to be with you.
It's an emotional affair and honestly I think he's hoping you'll have sex with him whilst his wife is away and turn it into a proper affair.

Leapintothelightning · 23/06/2023 09:49

llamadrama7 · 23/06/2023 07:19

@SwedishEdith he is in his late 60s, I'm early 30s

This just makes this even weirder!
I'm also early 30s I cannot fathom a scenario where I would be like "yep this is normal behaviour and not creepy at all". You don't think it's weird that someone twice your age is obsessing over you?!

atotalshambles · 23/06/2023 09:49

I remember as a teen I had a similar 'friendship' and I would say this relationship sends out many, many red flags. His relationship with his wife sounds as if it is all but over as he appears to have an emotional attachment to you. Friends do not have the power to tell each other how to live their lives or whom to socialise with. I think you need to look at why as a young woman in your early 30s you are choosing to spend so much time with a much older married man. Do you not want a fulfilling relationship with someone who is single and more your own age? Do you want to have children? I would look at having therapy and also try to expand your social life and interests to include a a wider range of friends

pastelmagenta · 23/06/2023 09:52

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request

Thatsnotevenmyusername · 23/06/2023 09:53

I am roughly the same age as OP and just don’t believe that they could possibly be so naive. He’s clearly controlling and obsessive, I can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t run for the hills and cut this guy loose!!!!

Winter2020 · 23/06/2023 09:54

Hi OP,
You have said you are not currently in a relationship suggesting you might like to be.
This man is taking up too much of your time and energy. Use this over-reaction as a chance to change this dynamic and end this over reliance on you. You might not be able to end it "nicely" but end it anyway.

Throw yourself into dating and be honest about what you are looking for - not drinking but a shared interest in historic places, gardens, museums, days out. There are plenty of men with these interests or happy to support your interest. This is like a half relationship but you do sound like you might like a full one. Keep better boundaries and start by meeting someone away from your home in a public place etc, build up slowly and if someone is not right for you tell them that.

GrinAndVomit · 23/06/2023 09:54

I’ve had two friends behave like this and they both have borderline personality disorder.
How is his mental health?

AmaraTamara · 23/06/2023 09:54

I had a situation that looked like it was going to develop into something like this. Went cold turkey. Lots of upsets and pursuing but gave up eventually. But, you sound like you also care for him a lot so this is difficult for you. Perhaps you could talk to this wife. And then devise a plan together, and also talk to him afterwards to set some boundaries. It cannot go on like this, not healthy for either of you.

Sesimbra · 23/06/2023 09:54

This sounds like an episode of Midsomer Murders!!!

OP you are possibly the “boiling frog” but hopefully this thread will make you see THIS IS WEIRD AS FUCK!!!

Block him on everything and if he starts turning up at your door (he will) call the police.

Thelnebriati · 23/06/2023 09:55

he doesn't want us to be friends anymore

He's given you the perfect exit strategy, you should grab it with both hands and whatever you do, don't try to smooth things over or placate him.

WaltzingWaters · 23/06/2023 09:57

He sound’s completely bonkers and very mentally unstable. And/or extremely controlling.

back away from this so called friendship immediately.

how bizarre.

Museya15 · 23/06/2023 09:58

Oh come on OP, you can't kid a kidder!

KR2023 · 23/06/2023 10:01

Fgs dont tell him you are going to the Sistine chapel, he will have a complete meltdown

Swipe left for the next trending thread