Friend is hysterical over my holiday

[llamadrama7]

I have a friend who I meet for lunch a couple of times a week, and we speak on the phone regularly. He is retired and doesn't seem to do much in his days as his wife still works, so the time with me seems to be quite exciting for him.

I enjoy the time and our friendship, but in a few weeks I have the chance to go on holiday for a week elsewhere in the UK with a family member while I have annual leave. I haven't been away in 8 years so I would like to go. I told him and he was hysterical, as he wanted me to go out with him on days out on my annual leave. He said that over this time his wife is away so he could have taken me on longer days out and I've now ruined it.

I feel it's my fault as on my annual leave days in the past we would often go out together (to gardens, historical places etc).

He sent about a hundred messages saying he is in tears, I have ruined the friendship and he doesn't want us to be friends anymore. He insulted my family member too and he said he will be sick all week worried about me.

Not sure how to handle this as I do value the friendship but I don't want him to have a meltdown over it.

Go on holiday and enjoy yourself.

Given everything you’ve said he clearly isn’t someone you can or should have a sensible conversation with to dial things down to put this friendship on a more casual basis. Regardless of the rationale and whether he has MH or dementia issues he is clearly trying to control you. And I imagine he expects you to cancel your holiday and beg his forgiveness for your terrible transgressions.

But the excellent news is he has given you an out. I would just respond and say “you’re quite right, it is best that we are not friends going forward. Wishing you all the best”.
I understand this may create a hole in your life but hopefully you’re coming to see that this is really not a healthy relationship.

Way before the hysterics at the holiday - you meet for lunch a couple of times a week and speak on the phone as well? Wow! I meet up with my best friend once a week and that feels like an obligation sometimes! This married man has way too much invested in you. Does he find his wife ' exciting'?

OP you’ve been using this man to assuage your loneliness and encouraging his dependency - and he is not ok, mentally. He may well have the beginnings of dementia. Whether he does or doesn’t he is mentally very unwell. What is surprising is that you didn’t see this all clearly a long time ago.

What was your relationship with your dad like? Wondering what made you create such a strong attachment to a man old enough to be your father.

You really ought to end this friendship as it will only get worse (his confusion, control, hysteria, dependence). But it does seem like you are reliant upon it.

Sounds like a lucky escape. Block him and move on.

I completely agree.

He’s got so upset because he knows his wife is going to be busy and that means he’ll have no substitute female on hand.

It doesn’t always have to be sexual.
Some people just can’t be alone.

Its very telling that he’s upset because you have such a wonderful opportunity.

If he was your friend he would be excited for you and encouraging you to go.

This relationship is all one sided.

Absolutely this. It really is the only sensible thing to do here.

Forget about the "be kind" bollocks and protect yourself. His problems are just that, his problems! You can't take them on.

"Be kind" is all very well, but it all too often refers to people who are doormats without boundaries.

Message him once more to say that the friendship is over because it was far too intense and then BLOCK HIM. Block him on your phone, WhatsApp and ALL social media.

Then go on your holiday with your family member and enjoy it without his input wrecking it .
Stop being so naïve. That it is an emotional affair from his side is extremely obvious but you are refusing to see it. How big does a rat have to become before you smell it?

You have viewed this as an innocent friendship. His wife will be more inclined to think her husband is completely infatuated and having an affair with a woman half his age while she’s out at work. Go and enjoy your holiday and keep your distance from this guy when you get home. If you are genuinely concerned about his mental health and what he might do I’d tell his wife. He’s not your responsibility.

I feel it's my fault
Oh come on! He’s being absolutely ridiculous and you’re actually blaming yourself?! Going on holiday is completely normal.

OK, so one way to think of it is that hes incredibly lonely. BUT.... have you ever been so lonely that your friend going away sonewhere lovely for a week would make you "hysterical"? I lived overseas, pretty much all my friends went home for a break at Christmas. I didnt say "nooooo! You caaaaannn't....". More like "have a brilliant time". I'm not even a particularly nice person.

He has a wife, he (i assume) has made friends in his 60+ years on earth, he has the option to go visit someone else, or go on daytrips alone whenever he wants to.

It could well be he has some neurological issues. But that doesnt mean you should allow yourselflf to be manipulated by him.

I wouldn't be happy if my husband had a friendship like this, it isn't healthy. And for you it sounds so suffocating. I think it's time to distance yourself and enjoy your holiday. It definitely sounds like you could do with a break!!

OP just because he's a retired pensioner doesn't mean he doesn't have romantic and sexual feelings for you! You are extremely naive if you don't realise that.
This is one of the most weird things I've ever read. Go and make some friends who aren't insane or learn to enjoy your own company.
You cannot continue with such a bizarre friendship. If my HUSBAND behaved like this man, I'd leave him!

I had a neighbour like this. Exact same dynamic as you, age gap etc. he was like an uncle to me. Had a spare set of keys. Anyway, I got together with someone and the weird behaviour ramped up. He was eventually caught going into my house when I went out. He still couldn’t see what he had done wrong. You know what you need to do. He is trying to make you feel guilty with the threats. Time to bring this to a close.

He sounds AWFUL! Stop replying to his messages and go on holiday and DON'T maintain the friendship on your return. What a weird man!

You’re in a relationship with a man who is controlling, abusive, mentally ill AND married to someone else. I’d be withdrawing from this friendship altogether because he sees it as more than friendship.

Why are you meeting up with a married man twice a week for lunch dates without his wife present? This is weird. His reaction here is not that of a normal friend. Please stop seeing him, I'd be concerned he's obsessed with you and he could pose a risk to you given his ott bizarre reaction. Be careful.

WTF 😬

This man has mental health problems, possibly dementia related.

I'm starting to understand why his wife is comfortable with this friendship. Your lunches etc are 'time off' for her.

If this is true then her main concern is having a break for herself, which I totally understand. It's highly likely she is aware of his hysterical outbursts. So if this is the case, if she had concerns about his declining mental health it would be reasonable to expect that she would have tried to get him to see a gp at least. Not all spouses are proactive when dealing with mental health issues in their partners.

Echoing other posters to end this friendship

Quite!

I’m sure this thread has been a tough read but I hope you now know what you need to do.

Make sure you tell some people in real life what has been happening. This will be important if his behaviour escalates.

Then I’d strongly suggest that you start going in to the office at least twice a week. Once you cut him off you are going to miss the face-to-face human contact that you had with him and you are likely to mistake that for missing him. Your loneliness has made you vulnerable to his inappropriate and controlling behaviour.

Sod being kind. He’s not being kind is he? Don’t be manipulated into maintaining contact with this man. He sounds unhinged and emotionally manipulative, I wonder what he’s like with his wife.

He says he doesn’t want to be friends so don’t indulge his tantrum and this attempt to guilt trip you. Block him and go and enjoy your holiday

Agree with the rest. Something is very wrong here. Big red flag. Hes not your responsibility. Use this opportunity to step away. Enjoy your holiday.

I can't help feeling that the multiple deaths caused by "rare" events was slightly over egging.

Oh dear. He just shown you that he thinks he owns you. As someone else has said, very controlling.

Cut him off and enjoy your holiday, OP 🌞