Friend is hysterical over my holiday

[llamadrama7]

I have a friend who I meet for lunch a couple of times a week, and we speak on the phone regularly. He is retired and doesn't seem to do much in his days as his wife still works, so the time with me seems to be quite exciting for him.

I enjoy the time and our friendship, but in a few weeks I have the chance to go on holiday for a week elsewhere in the UK with a family member while I have annual leave. I haven't been away in 8 years so I would like to go. I told him and he was hysterical, as he wanted me to go out with him on days out on my annual leave. He said that over this time his wife is away so he could have taken me on longer days out and I've now ruined it.

I feel it's my fault as on my annual leave days in the past we would often go out together (to gardens, historical places etc).

He sent about a hundred messages saying he is in tears, I have ruined the friendship and he doesn't want us to be friends anymore. He insulted my family member too and he said he will be sick all week worried about me.

Not sure how to handle this as I do value the friendship but I don't want him to have a meltdown over it.

I am worried she will contact me about him being so upset and hysterical (if he is).

What exactly is it that you are worried about if she contacts you?

It's controlling and manipulative. Just go and enjoy your holiday.

He is not your friend, you are simply a substitute whilst his wife is busy.

My mum has SN/MH issues and cannot be alone and is quite controlling with it and if does sound like this man is similar.

FWIW I have male friends who I’m very close to and it’s simply platonic.

His reaction is the perfect excuse for you to back off.
Tell him that you are really disappointed with his behaviour and you need some space from him.

If you are concerned for his welfare then ring his wife or the police.
Once you’ve had a week or 2 space from him then you can choose to start up contact again but on your own terms and meet up say max. once a week.

I’m really concerned that you allow this behaviour and do things to not upset him.
You don’t owe him anything, yet you’re acting like he’s your husband or something and you have to meet up when he wants.

This friendship needs to cool off and you need to live your life properly and not just have your life revolve around this man.

I hope you have a great holiday.

It doesn't sound as if he is interested romantically, more of a friendship that he grew to have unrealistic and selfish rights & expectations.

1. This man is obviously not well. If he is quite well, then he is acting in a deliberately extreme, attention-seeking manner. (This is symptomatic of several MH disorders too.)
2. This man is not your responsibility. What he says and what he does because you set firm boundaries for yourself are entirely his choice. (They would also be attention-seeking at a guess…)
3. His extremely intrusive and controlling behaviour could become extremely dangerous. You need to protect yourself physically and emotionally from this man.

No it’s not possible. You might be friends as in sharing hobby and being a part of the group but not personal friends.
Why? Your situation is showing exactly why.

“Died in rare accidents”

Suspiiiicious! 😅

I promise you - he won't.

Men like this are full of idle threats to get what they want.

He sounds like a master manipulator, and you've fallen into his trap. I fear you don't have the gumption to get out of this relationship - you sound very "wet" (sorry).

You're not going to be able to extract yourself from this easily - it'll take
Iron willpower as he'll almost certainly harass and stalk you - it'll probably end up being necessary to involve the police.

Are you going to be able to do this OP, or are you going to continue seeing this man weekly for the rest of your life and having him try and control you for the sake of keeping him on an even keel?

Hey OP, I think your lack of emotional intelligence on this is perhaps telling? I don’t think you see what this man believes you are to him, you are being perceived as much more than a friend by him and more is being expected of you than any friendship I’ve ever been in, friends might have a coffee in the week. Maybe a couple of times a year go out for dinner, maybe ok you’ll spend more time with some friends but this is like you don’t know how to put in a healthy boundary with this guy?

Go away, enjoy yourself. When you get back start focussing on other parts of your life that don’t require him. He doesn’t own you. You’re not in a sexual relationship, he’s not your husband. He can go away with his own wife. I feel sorry for his wife in all this, it’s just a strange obsession he has with you

This is so unhealthy. You need to cut contact immediately, no more calls or texts, absolutely no meeting up. If he turns up you don't answer the door. He's manipulative, controlling and obsessive. He's not your friend, he wants you at his beck and call as his entertainment and taxi. Screaming down the phone, not liking your other friends, guilt tripping....could you get any more red flags.

Disregarding the nature of your relationship, a friend doesn’t act that way to another friend going on holiday, nor do they insult other family members.

It’s controlling behaviour by emotional manipulation. Do you want this behaviour in your life going forward?

So you are looking forward to spending your days with a man who possibly has mental health issues or a serious illness like dementia,walking round being dictated to by a man wearing mismatched shoes whilst his wife is at home letting you get on with it? Congrats you signed up to being a carer. And we all think he has issues...

I think you need to reassess your life and move and not say anything to anyone.
He knows where you live and can’t take no for an answer.

You can’t just cut down contact as he comes round anyway.

@llamadrama7 I’m sorry but he’s trying to control you very manipulative behaviour.
he’s getting away with it as you are naive and trusting, you don’t have many others around you to help you call him out on his behaviour.
he thinks he owns you , this isn’t about spending time with you . Hes scared about who you will be with on holiday who you may meet and possibly “like” he sees you as his .

Before you know it you will be under his control and you won’t even realise untill it’s too late (unless you listen to good advice on here)
you are already defending him on your posts. You came here to try make sense of what’s going on well you have to be willing to listen even if it’s not what’s you expected .

Good luck

This man has mental health problems, possibly dementia related.

I'm starting to understand why his wife is comfortable with this friendship. Your lunches etc are 'time off' for her.

Most abusive relationships happen over time. That’s what this is. He’s controlling, coercive and angry. You are enmeshed , and he’s picked up on your vulnerability (few friends) to pull you in. It may also be he is controlling towards his wife, and she is forced to accept your relationship whether she likes it or not.

The reasons why he does this don’t matter. What does matter is you getting out of it. In my opinion you won’t be able to ease it off ( you have tried and he’s ignored you). You need to tell him you don’t want to see or speak to him then block him. If he continues to harass you then take it further.

It’s not a friendship you want to continue regardless of what else is going on. To be honest you might find it easier to make new friends without him, and the time and space he is taking up in your life and head.

I think the Freedom programme might be worth doing.

It doesn't sound healthy. He's far too reliant on you and overly attached. Go on your family holiday and enjoy yourself. When his wife retires, he suddenly won't have time for you anyway. He's using you as a filler. You mustn't allow him to be controlling over you. Time to scale it back to one lunch per week. You both need to join groups/interests, to avoid being overly reliant on each other.

Just read the thread. OP you have two options.

1. Continue to let him selfishly dominate and control you which is deeply unhealthy and borderline abusive if not abusive and suffer the consequences.
2. Tell him you can no longer be his friend because of his ridiculous reactions to you leading a normal life. Or put very strong boundaries in place so you only see him once a month and talk once a week for example.

His wife is probably delighted you’ve take this insufferable man off her hands, he sounds awful. Honestly you only have yourself to blame if you don’t stand up for yourself. He and his wife can sort out his mental health issues. You are young & can get a better life than this.

I am wondering whether he had other things planned for your annual leave as his wife is away and he has the house to his self.
That would be a reason why he is so upset.
I also think he somehow engineered it that his wife going away coincided with your annual leave

Note that he dislikes the person you are going away with.

@llamadrama7 Err. Why are you even contemplating associating with this crazy guy?

Seriously 🙄

Yes he sounds obsessed with you

Back away from this strange man.

Be prepared for him to escalate his behaviour.

Very very odd indeed.

You're his back-up female support unit and now you've malfunctioned. He finds this very upsetting, and wants you to do a factory reset so you can carry on fulfilling your duties to him.

Well put!