Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I tell daughter about her abusive dad?

234 replies

21seconds12 · 22/06/2023 07:40

I’m in two minds what to do about this. Daughter who is 8 has started seeing her dad after court ordered no contact due to abuse and having to complete courses.

He has moved on and has another relationship and a baby very quickly. Daughter says and it appears he’s a changed man and not treating his partner how he did me. To be honest I don’t care, I’m just happy to no longer be with him.

What is getting me is he is behaving like Disney dad on steroids. When we were together he did nothing with our daughter. He has had a personality replacement. The thing is he is re-writing history. He is telling our daughter lies about our relationship. He was extremely cruel and abusive towards me (and every women before me). Instead of being truthful he is literally making it all up. Do I tell her the truth in an age appropriate way? He is so Disney that he looks like an angel and his girlfriend is also doing a lot for him. He tells her it was me who stopped him seeing her when it was a court, he says to her how he is a hero and he fought so hard. The truth was he drank and smoked drugs and had to pass tests. If he is a changed person then that’s really great for her going forward. But why lie about the past and make me out to be to blame? He was so so cruel. Why not be honest and say I was cruel but I’ve done a lot of soul searching etc…. Or is he still abusing me as he knows she will come home and tell me his lies. It’s like that decade just didn’t happen to him, he was awful and aggressive, threw things at me, threatened me. I ended up with life long health issues from the stress and the fear.

Or do I say nothing and let her think her dad is everything he says he is, but then he is blaming me and lying and looking like a hero???

OP posts:
MagicBullet · 24/06/2023 09:39

He is lying because he needs to feel good about himself.
and he can only feel good about himself when he is projecting the right persona, the one of a kind person. It’s giving him all the accoudâtes, the adulation, the support he wants, so he has no choice but.
Because the reality is that being/becoming the kind and nice person he is projecting is just too much work for him.

21seconds12 · 24/06/2023 09:42

@@BePatient ive been talking to her about people being both good and bad. I’ve said mummy has done both good and bad things but on the whole mostly good. I talked about a pound coin having two sides. For some reason he wants to seen as good.

OP posts:
BePatient · 24/06/2023 09:52

Sounds like you would benefit from looking at narcissistic abuse. There's loads on YouTube that you can watch while driving, washing up, doing any mindless task that stops you actually reading a book to inform yourself.

If you think of it as that he needs every person, every situation, every moment in life on this planet to evolve around making him look good, then it will answer your question. He will reframe the situation with your dad to make him look good. He will distort every reality and twist every meaning, but you cannot waste your life running around after him, trying to set the record straight. Not with yourself, not with your friends, not with his new girlfriend, and certainly not with your child.

A previous poster suggested you are sometimes vague in your reply, such as saying that there are two sides to a story, and that is not quite how you recall it. A good question to ask yourself would be: how will knowing that the relationship with her grandfather was not as wonderful as he's making out, help her in any way? The chances are, it won't help her at all, and even though it's not the truth, being told that would undermine her fathers perspective and how would actually help? Would it help her realise he's a liar? Well there are other ways to do that. He will teach he that himself. Would it help her to think of her dad, making her mum more miserable when she lost her father? Not really. If she needs to know that he's unsupportive she's going to find that out because he is going to demonstrate that to her in due course.
It's terribly hurtful for you and out of your protection towards your daughter, if you want to warn her what he's like to spare her. But, she's not the new girlfriend; she's the daughter and that is a different set of rules. That's not to say, you need to lie, And certainly never cover for him, but it's your daughter you are protecting by not taking her through every situation, pointing out the reality of how it really was. Is it going to harm her to think her Dad was nice to her grandad? No. Is it going to harm her to think her Dad is lying and was horrible to her grandad? I suspect it probably is because even if he was horrible to Grandad, it doesn't necessarily mean he's going to be the same to her. What I'm saying is, some battles should be picked wisely. It's different. If he is telling her, 'Mum says I was horrible to Grandad, but I was really nice to him'. That's a lie, and that is essentially undermining you by saying you are not telling the truth, and this would be a good one to lightly say, 'It's a good thing there are two sides to a story, because that is totally different to my version'. It's okay, just say to her that one day, when she's older, you can talk to her about these things, but now she's a child and doesn't need to be bothered with adult stuff.

BePatient · 24/06/2023 09:54

21seconds12 · 24/06/2023 09:42

@@BePatient ive been talking to her about people being both good and bad. I’ve said mummy has done both good and bad things but on the whole mostly good. I talked about a pound coin having two sides. For some reason he wants to seen as good.

Well, yes, of course he wants to be seen as good! That's very typical of a narcissist, it's all about show and NEVER about what happens behind closed doors.

21seconds12 · 24/06/2023 09:54

@MagicBullet is it an illness? He was so insistent when we were together to be seen as the hero by everyone, It was really strange. He literally cannot compute that he has done bad things. When I stopped making him look good him literally lost his mind and his temper.

OP posts:
BePatient · 24/06/2023 09:59

Oh he know! Don't be fooled. There's a really helpful diagnosed narcissist who does videos about how he plays the victim as a tool to trick people so he can manipulate them. They know exactly what they're doing.

user6078472 · 24/06/2023 10:00

Not read all the thread but one thing that has stuck out for me OP is he has not changed one bit. If he had genuinely changed and improved as a person he would not be doing this to your DD. He would be telling her he made some mistakes when she was younger but has changed. I personally would agree with those saying something age appropriate to your DD. I have a friend who no longer has contact with her oldest DC because of a similar situation.
Another thing I would be going back to whoever you need to to discuss whether the current contact is appropriate at the level it currently is. Record everything that is happening/being said. This is him still abusing you and your DD.

BePatient · 24/06/2023 10:03

Do you recognise this?
This is not on an unconscious level. They know. They just don't usually admit it.

My ex told me once we had split up was that he chose me in the first place because I met his criteria (as seen in the pic). I had absolutely no idea someone so boyishly innocent could be so conniving.

Should I tell daughter about her abusive dad?
21seconds12 · 24/06/2023 10:04

@BePatient yes you are right. I did say that I remembered it differently and in hindsight should have said nothing. I did also say that what matters was that her and Grampy had a great relationship and that’s what matters more then how your dad and Grampy were. I said that your dad sometimes doesn’t want you to think bad of him so he wants everything to be good, then went on to say we all capable of being bad. She said you shouted at me once and I didn’t like it and I said yes see sometimes mummy does bad things but I’m good most of the time I like to think. Then said shouting is bad and I’m sorry. I hate so much getting drawn into his life, it’s so so difficult to let it go but I’ve got to try harder.

OP posts:
BePatient · 24/06/2023 10:04

Do you recognise this?
This is not on an unconscious level. They know. They just don't usually admit it.

My ex told me once we had split up was that he chose me in the first place because I met his criteria (as seen in the pic). I had absolutely no idea someone so boyishly innocent could be so conniving.

Should I tell daughter about her abusive dad?
21seconds12 · 24/06/2023 10:06

@BePatient yes that’s me, well was I’m not really anymore. He did a great deal of damage to me.

OP posts:
21seconds12 · 24/06/2023 10:10

@user6078472 thats what I was waiting for, after court and the DAPP and those 3 years to think. I was waiting for I did bad things back then but going forward I’m going to be better. Just the most simple of acknowledgment….but nothing, straight back to the I have no idea why mummy stopped contact I am a hero. That’s when all my anxiety came back, the survival me kicked back in, it’s still the same only now it’s our daughter.

OP posts:
BePatient · 24/06/2023 10:11

21seconds12 · 24/06/2023 10:04

@BePatient yes you are right. I did say that I remembered it differently and in hindsight should have said nothing. I did also say that what matters was that her and Grampy had a great relationship and that’s what matters more then how your dad and Grampy were. I said that your dad sometimes doesn’t want you to think bad of him so he wants everything to be good, then went on to say we all capable of being bad. She said you shouted at me once and I didn’t like it and I said yes see sometimes mummy does bad things but I’m good most of the time I like to think. Then said shouting is bad and I’m sorry. I hate so much getting drawn into his life, it’s so so difficult to let it go but I’ve got to try harder.

It is difficult, but it does get easier this practice.

Two things I told my children (it's always about shouting!) Is that they feel free to pull me up on it because they're safe with me enough to do that.

The unwritten words are that the children are not safe to do that with the other parent. You must not say that, but they definitely figured that out for themselves. You said your daughter has to be overly happy and she will instinctively know full well that she will not be able to pull Dad up over anything negative, much less Shouting like Mum does.

Also, the critical thing is that when you shout, you put it right and amend the broken attachment. Again, you don't need to tell her that she doesn't have that with her dad. She will figure that difference out herself. She's already realised she has to be overly happy when she's with him, she has a certain amount of maturity to be self-aware enough to see that and so she will see these other more glaringly obvious truths.

It comes back down to the bottom line, which is one of the greatest fundamental truths you can use to help you in an awful situation like you are in, which is that the way you behave is in stark contrast to the way he behaves, and children are sponges: they will pick this up without being told. It is important that you don't tell them because what you're doing is telling them what to think, and that is not okay. That is what HE is doing. You need to be different to what he is...

viques · 24/06/2023 10:11

Age appropriate

Now daddy is kind to you and ( new partner) , but when we were together he was very angry and he wasn’t kind to me and made me very sad.

when daddy and I split up we went to court , when you go to court you agree to do what the judge says, and the judge said that daddy was drinking too much so he couldn’t see you because it would be dangerous for you to be with him.

TheAverageJoanne · 24/06/2023 10:15

21seconds12 · 22/06/2023 09:49

It’s like he’s hit reset and had a complete personality transplant. Which if he has changed is great but it doesn’t change what he did, he should be honest but he’s using it to manipulate her.

Didn't you ask a week or so back why you weren't good enough to be treated properly and why the new partner was?

Your posts here at least show that you recognize the problem was not you it's him.

21seconds12 · 24/06/2023 10:15

@BePatient I know, I don’t want to tell her how to think. I wanted her to know the truth so so can make her own mind up. It’s not working though because he is so so Disney at the moment, when I say he was bad or unkind in the past she can’t put the two together as he is so so nice now. I’m the one who is making her life have bad in it even if it’s the truth. He’s just going to get away with all the lies.

OP posts:
21seconds12 · 24/06/2023 10:18

@TheAverageJoanne i did yes. I wondered what on Earth was going on as the change is beyond remarkable, it’s a different person. But then from the post I realised that this new partner makes him look good and that is what he needs.

OP posts:
BePatient · 24/06/2023 11:18

But what you don't get (and I understand why) is that nothing you say will change it.

  1. If your daughter is falling for his lies then anything you say will be wrong - even if it's the truth
  1. If your daughter has her suspicions and you contradict him then she will worry and might blame you
  1. If your daughter knows what he is like, then you telling her won't help unless she is asking for your validation.
RedHelenB · 24/06/2023 11:24

21seconds12 · 24/06/2023 00:58

@RedHelenB after she was born it was all in her presence. In the end that’s why I left. Things he threw at me hit her etc

You've left, definitely the right decision
Court has decided she sees her dad. Disengage, beyond did you have a nice time? You're just causing yourself issues by dwelling on things. Concentrate on being the best mum you can be, you have no control over what kind of parent your ex is.

21seconds12 · 24/06/2023 11:33

@BePatient I understand it’s just so so hard. I’ve tried my absolute best to keep her away from this. I’m started to realise that I can’t. I can’t bare the thought after everything we’ve been through that he does what he said he’d do all along and make sure our daughter knows who her mum is (what he thinks). He’s told her that she can live with him etc etc. I know he wants to take her away and its really hurting me. I know that I can’t change this by saying anything. Is horrible

OP posts:
BePatient · 24/06/2023 12:18

It's an impossible situation that you cannot change.

All you can do, which is more powerful than you might think, js to just be you. Be strong. Be fair. Be consistent. Be a boundaried person. Be everything he is not and you will give her the haven she needs.

21seconds12 · 24/06/2023 12:26

I don’t want her thinking her mummy is cruel. I didn’t want her thinking her daddy was cruel, I just wanted her safe. I will try much harder not to bite. I will keep it all as mummy wanted to keep you safe so I needed help from a judge. He will continue to brainwash her, I can’t stop it I realise that. I hope I can teach her about boundaries and one day she may understand and not believe I was just being cruel.

OP posts:
21seconds12 · 24/06/2023 12:34

I did say when we do bad or unkind things we get a kind of punishment or consequence. So daddy had to go on courses because he was unkind to mummy in the same way you lost your break time at school because you pushed and bit your friend. It’s rubbish to loose break time but we mustn’t hurt others. There are always consequences to what we do. Your friend was very sad that you bit her, a bit like mummy was sad. I don’t know what to say anymore as I don’t want to get it wrong.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 24/06/2023 12:45

Yes. Tell her. It's a long road. And she can't protect herself if she's doesn't know.

Wallywobbles · 24/06/2023 12:48

When the kids used to come back with more shit from their dad I'd ask them what they thought the truth might be. Teach her to think critically. She is certainly old enough to start.

You have to tell her the truth to any questions asked no matter how hard. She has to be able to trust someone. Don't make it him.