Both married, close friend has decided I'm the one. I'm not

[nibblesthekibbles]

Hello,

Not here for a flaming.. nor permission, just have nowhere else to air this situation.

Lovely friend of 15 years has recently decided that "I'm the one" - which I am most certainly not.

I am happily married, young children. Definitely, 100% not leaving my husband. My friend - not as happily married, but with young children.

I feel desperately sad for him, but have encouraged him to work on things with his wife and I have massively distanced myself.

He has now announced that he must speak to me tomorrow, and whilst I'm unsure of what he's going to say - I know I have to finish our friendship.

I am desperately sad I am sad for him and I am so, so sad for myself, as I am losing a really great asset to my life. I realise I cannot keep him around - it wouldn't be fair on my wonderful husband, my gorgeous babies nor myself.

I can't help but feel I'm abandoning my friend, but this cannot turn into something more than what it is.

I am doing the right thing. I do not invite stress nor drama into my life, I don't need it. I wish he'd just kept his bloody mouth shut.

And whilst I agree I’d be mindful that the wife might come to the OP directly and I’d want to be sure I knew if I were going to tell the absolute truth or try and put some spin on it to protect the friends marriage.

I suspect your first analysis was right.Things have gone awry with his wife and his thought process has been ‘things aren’t like this with nibbles. Why can’t wife be more like nibbles? Life would be better with nibbles. She doesn’t nag me like wife! She listens and is nice to me! Life would be nicer with nibbles! I love nibbles! Nibbles come to me, you are the one!’

He probably hasn’t always loved you. Like many men before, he’s just fixated on you as ‘not like his wife’ and therefore better. And he’s built this up into a whole historically reinvented fantasy in his head
I agree with this.

Friendships and romantic relationships are different.
He probably didn't set out to befriend OP because he fancied her, but when things have got tough at home he's found escapism in a fantasy world and has got focused on 'but nibbles isn't like that', forgetting that OP will probably be just like his wife (and any other spouse btw) who has ups and downs, things that annoy her, does things that annoy her spouse etc.

OP and her husband sound great and very grounded in this. Maybe in time the friendship can be rekindled once he's snapped out of it.

BLOCK ! DELETE! BLOCK!!!

If he persists tell DH or police!

“You helped pick out his wife's engagement ring, you are really good friends with this man for many years, he calls and texts just you and you meet him alone in the pub. You say you are a big softy and you want to put your arms around him and give him a big hug. “

How did she overstep? By going to the pub with a male friend alone? Some married men and women can hang out with friends of the opposite sex. Not everyone goes by Mitch Rominys rules about not meeting with the opposite sex alone.

Last time I seen my close guy friend his wife actually told us to go out and spend some time together as we hadn’t seen other for years (live in different countries)

She clearly doesn’t see me as a threat (which I’ll take as a compliment not an insult 😂) and she trusts her husband. and maybe she has male friends.

Other relationships are different and that’s fine not every married person wants to have close friends of the opposite sex, but I don’t think you can say hanging out one on one is necessarily crossing boundaries unless there was some kind of history between them.

I'm sorry OP, it is depressing and sad when what you thought was a genuine friendship is being exploited. Unfortunately, blocking and moving on is probably the best option, he has ruined what was previously a good thing with his actions.

Similar happened to me years ago (although neither of us were married), after I broke up with my boyfriend one of my oldest male friends, who was in a long term relationship, suddenly started coming on to me. It was a shock and I was always in the camp of 'of course men and women can be friends' until then.
I found it really difficult that what I always thought was a genuine close friendship and nothing more was being disrespected, and distanced myself from him.

Now, the only male friends I have are gay, makes things so much easier.

He has not opened the WhatsApp

I'm feeling better

He won't come by unannounced, which is something

I actually cannot believe this has happened, I thought this shit was reserved for 16 year olds with hormones flying and trying to find their way in the world

I have the utmost sympathy for his wife and children, if he ruins his marriage that'll be on him

Appreciation for my own husband - I have always had the freedom to navigate my friendships as my marriage thrives on transparency and communication

@nibblesthekibbles

I haven’t rtft, but I read your posts and I must say that of all mumsnetters I’ve come across you are the most level headed.

You sound thoroughly together and clear of your priorities, your relationship with DH and children is solid and it’s really quite touching to hear how much your husband has worked with you to deal with this issue and give support.

Regards your friend, you have behaved admirably towards him, trying to support him initially and then making it clear that he had overstepped boundaries. You have no romantic interest and rightly want to protect your family, so the best thing was to step away and not entertain further contact. Nothing else to be done.

Sorry if some on here thought you’re here for drama, I didn’t get that vibe at all. It’s very sad to lose a long term friend, sorry this has happened and he’s got so many issues. You have done the best thing for all involved. Pour yourself a gin!

@MysteryBelle are you deranged?!

She probably just said “Hey, just seen X, he’s a bit hammered, not himself, sent him home“

I've had the same OP, a close male friend (of which the boundaries have never been blurred in the 2 decades we were mates) decided when his marriage wasn't in a great place to declare his love for me and pressure me into leaving my DH. I also shut it down and although I miss the friendship I was angry and upset about the relentless sense of entitlement he had when he decided I was the one and made me question a lot of our past memories.

Was he in a state emotionally or drunk or both? I guess his wife knows now, if she didn't before.

You need to get out more.

You are a very decent person and I’m glad there are people like you around. Many people would be flattered and like the attention. I think you need to be honest with DH because keeping secrets never ends well. Read a book called not just friends and also get your friend to read it. It’s the best advice I got from here. It explains why people start to fall for other people even when they are in happy marriages.

Warned him of his state? What state?

It sounds like your friend is having some sort of mental health crisis @nibblesthekibbles

It sounds like he wants his hole. Not quite the same thing.

You've handled this impeccably OP, even though it's so unfair that it's even your problem in the first place

This. Don’t meet him. All that “ I just want to give him one last hug “ is nonsense - you KNOW that this will be interpreted as you feeling the same as him.

I understand that it’s very sad for you , you have lost a friend and of course you feel betrayed. But if you indeed a good friend then you want what is best for him . And that’s NOT meeting up with him and encouraging him in his fantasy.

Does he have a good ( male) friend or relative than he can confide in ? If so he needs to speak to them, not you.

If he’s unwell he needs to see a GP.

If he want to leave his wife and children he needs to see a counsellor and then a lawyer.

I would absolutely not meet with him. He’s unhappy in his marriage and now trying to rock yours (although it sounds like yours is secure and your DH is aware of whats going on). He needs help but not from you. He also needs to be totally honest with his Wife if he is not happy in his marriage.

I would tell him you are staying completely out of it, its nothing to do with you and to sort his own problems out.

This man knows everything about me. He's just always been there

and your unfathomably deep love for your family

and the flowery OTT language

and how you are “very soft”

shudder. Makes me feel nauseous

No it is not. But in this case, OP has written that she wants to hug this friend even after hearing that he wants her to leave her dh and separare kids from the father to start life with this selfish friend, and OP wants to hug him, and saying how wonderful this man is.

This man for whatever reasons is acting very selfish, not only he is not upfront with his wife about separation, he asking OP to betray her husband and take kids away from them. Is he a teenager? No a grown up and OP is feeling softy and wants to hug him. He professed his love 2 weeks ago, he sent her 30 texts and OP is in her words a worldly woman, not some flowery kind and works in male dominated world but after 2nd or maybe 5th message, she could have blocked him. So she is saying contrary things. Her friend is a selfish lover and least OP can do is not call him wonderful and draw some boundaries.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are being put through this. You obviously do not deserve it and have not encouraged it.

I have read your posts but not all the replies here. I am so glad you have such a good husband. I agree with you that cutting this man off will be the best solution. I think he is unbalanced. I feel desperately upset for his wife.

I was approached by a man whom I had known when we were teenagers. Neither of us were attached, I am a widow, he divorced. I had absolutely no designs on him and actually found him frightening. But when he told me he remembered the last thing I said to him about 20 years ago and that he had always loved me and imagined me while he was married I nearly freaked out. He did some strange things too. I discussed it with a friend who was a Psychologist with a certain specialisation and he told me to avoid this man.

That's the nearest experience I have had and it's nothing like as creepy as yours, considering you are married and have young children to whom you are devoted. Even though he was your friend, I am sorry to say, I think this man is psychologically unbalanced and you are not the person to help him.

Please keep away from him and only see him if you have to when you are with your husband and the families meet all together. Just message him you cannot help him and do not want to get involved, your family is everything to you.

Good luck. Concentrate on your lovely family. Try and forget him. He has to sort out his own problems.

Loser not lover

Well done OP, you’ve done the right thing. I hope he leaves you alone and sorts himself out.