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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my DH cheated on me last night

382 replies

nnamechangee · 18/06/2023 08:50

We have been together a long time and have 3 young children, youngest is 3 months old.

We have been having some problems for a few months but if we talked properly things could have been resolved. He went out last night and came home this morning at 7.30am (he has never done this before). He text me at 4am saying he couldn't get a taxi and had to walk home. Technically it would take him this timeframe to come home.

However his clothes have makeup on them, smell like perfume and his trousers look like they have sperm on them, I have taken photos. He will deny this but I think there is just too much evidence here now.

I'm devastated and have to carry on as normal today for the children.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 18/06/2023 13:15

It sure why my autocorrect dislikes the word same and keeps replacing with sane!
Same same same

Duckingella · 18/06/2023 13:17

"You can't afford this house and I'm keeping the kids"

Oh the usual abusive BS out of the mouth of a man who trying to stop you from ending the marriage.

Firstly he won't be keeping the kids;at a minimum you'd have the kids 50/50 as no judge would give the children's primary care give part time custody.

Secondly as primary care giver who'd be working part time to accommodate your children you'd be likely to give the role of the resident parent with time spent with dad also.

You could afford to keep the house;you'd be entitled to housing benefit/universal credit etc;he's only thinking of your part time earnings;plus you'll be entitled to maintenance for the kids.

Don't paid him back the money;your married and finances are joint;if your earning less due to maternity leave he should be helping to financially support you as you take care of his children.

Please see a solicitor and find out what benefits your entitled to.

Original poster
nnamechangee · 18/06/2023 13:21

He eats a lot more than me. I feel surprisingly calm now. I've check finances and I'll be ok, my job is good enough and plenty of opportunities for progression. There's no way back from this and no explanation, he keeps trying to argue with me and demanding I tell him what the plans for splitting are. He then made an angry comment like why would I not go elsewhere Im not getting it at home. Actually I've been pregnant the best part of 2 years and in fact the past month or so we have made a big effort to rekindle this and we were doing well apart from his mood swings. If I could link my other threads I know everyone will tell me he's abusing me because someone I confided in has shown me that now.

He's completely gas lighting me, my main concerned is my older child she will really struggle, the younger two won't know any different.

OP posts:
Original poster
nnamechangee · 18/06/2023 13:23

Thank you all for reassuring me about child contact. My children are my world and I can't be without them.

He's already made a comment saying oh you couldn't cope with the children. This is because I've been struggling a little with 2 under 2 and he's been no support to me plus the relationship problems that's why. However I'm actually a fantastic mother and my children are thriving.

OP posts:
itwasntmetho · 18/06/2023 13:27

You already are coping then if he’s no support. Can you and your children go and stay with anyone in the short term? You’ve had a shock and have so recently given birth you maybe need to feel cared for even just this week while you find your feet and see a solicitor. Are your family nearby?

paulaparticles · 18/06/2023 13:28

He's more or less admitted it there and blaming you 🙄 I'm so sorry you're head must be all over the place. He will regret this when his head is straight but you and you're children are better off without him x

TheAverageJoanne · 18/06/2023 13:29

It could be a loose woman he picked up

Andrea McLean? Stacey Solomon? Denise Welch? Judi Love?

Seriously OP I've read all the posts and he's a gaslighting rat and you need to end this marriage, he's no respect.

paulaparticles · 18/06/2023 13:30

Why is it that men can't do without sex and expect it all the time and ruin their families over it 😔 then make the women feel like it's their fault 🤬

INeedAnotherName · 18/06/2023 13:30

Your older child will struggle more seeing her dad mentally and emotionally abuse her mum. It sounds like you have finally found the strength to leave so don't let the fear of your daughter hold you back, it's a false fear. She will thrive having a happier mum 😉

sweetdreamstenasee · 18/06/2023 13:31

You sound strong OP, and like a great mum. You’ve got this. There will be hard days to come but ultimately you’ll be better off in the long run.

Gardengirl108 · 18/06/2023 13:33

Sorry this is happening to you. I know that you’ve a lot on your plate and plans to make, but please do get checked out for STDs.

CleanCar · 18/06/2023 13:33

Wow so hes openly admitting it?! Open a notes page on your phone and start to document this. You might need this at a later date/helping you to stay strong further down the line.

im not surprised you dont feel like sex with all the childcare falling to you/3 months after giving birth. You are going to be so much better off without him. Do you have a close friend you can meet up with today to get some fresh air and talk this through with? You sound a great mum. You probably wont notice much of a difference being a single parent as he doesnt help anyway.

Original poster
nnamechangee · 18/06/2023 13:38

Gardengirl108 · 18/06/2023 13:33

Sorry this is happening to you. I know that you’ve a lot on your plate and plans to make, but please do get checked out for STDs.

Luckily enough I'm booked in to get the coil next month and I had to get swabs done last week or they won't let you get the coil,so that was lucky.

OP posts:
Original poster
nnamechangee · 18/06/2023 13:39

CleanCar · 18/06/2023 13:33

Wow so hes openly admitting it?! Open a notes page on your phone and start to document this. You might need this at a later date/helping you to stay strong further down the line.

im not surprised you dont feel like sex with all the childcare falling to you/3 months after giving birth. You are going to be so much better off without him. Do you have a close friend you can meet up with today to get some fresh air and talk this through with? You sound a great mum. You probably wont notice much of a difference being a single parent as he doesnt help anyway.

I do have a close friend but I wouldn't want to ruin her Father's Day so I'll contact her in a day or so.

OP posts:
Lainie · 18/06/2023 14:01

itwasntmetho · 18/06/2023 13:27

You already are coping then if he’s no support. Can you and your children go and stay with anyone in the short term? You’ve had a shock and have so recently given birth you maybe need to feel cared for even just this week while you find your feet and see a solicitor. Are your family nearby?

careful, he could claim you moved out and claim the house and/or change the locks . stay put ! let him go to his tart instead x

Wheresthebeach · 18/06/2023 14:05

OP - glad you’re making plans. For sure it will be hard to deal with three young children on your own but I think you’ll be surprised to discover how draining your relationship has been. You will be happier and have more energy without him.

BringOnSummer2023 · 18/06/2023 14:17

If he earns more you'll potentially be waaaay better off after divorce as a dependent and primary carer of two small children. When you're married you share assets whether he likes it or not and those will be divided. If he earns a lot more then it might be more that 50/50 in your favour. If you can afford to get some legal advice do, before you agree or do anything else.

rainbowstardrops · 18/06/2023 14:26

He's pretty much admitted to cheating then hasn't he?! What a rat.
Honestly, I know it will be hard being on your own with three children but it's got to be better than trying to tolerate this cheating piece of shit! Especially as you say he doesn't do much anyway.
Oh and for saying you wouldn't be able to manage the children by yourself? Let's see how he fares having EOW or whatever!
He's a cheating loser.
Have you got any family you could go to and get support from?

Mari9999 · 18/06/2023 14:34

@nnamechangee

You day that you took photos for purposes of evidence. To whom and for what purpose would you need to provide evidence? Do you not live in a country or region with no fault divorce laws.

Why are you wanting an explanation from him? Is there any explanation that you are willing to accept? It is unlikely that he was raped , so whatever he did , it was willing on his part.

The only question in play, should be what are you going to do.? If he has cheated in the past and you have remained in the relationship, he knows that he has very little if anything to risk.

It does not seem as through you have many assets to split. Ending your marriage, really would be just a matter of settling child maintenance and custody. No matter how much noise he makes about keeping your children, that is not likely to happen. He will get reasonable or equal access to your children , and you will need to ,work full-time. The resolution is pretty straightforward.

Quiverer · 18/06/2023 14:36

nnamechangee · 18/06/2023 10:03

His response was that I'm making things up in my head, I said you can't even explain the makeup and he's not responding so he can't even think of a lie.

We have separate finances and stuff so there's nothing really to separate and sort as such. He straight away said to pay him back the money I owe him. Just completely defensive.

Tell him to set it off against what he owes you for looking after his children for the last few years.

WonderfulUsername · 18/06/2023 14:42

Fraaahnces · 18/06/2023 09:08

Drop him at his parents and hand them his clothes to wash. Let them know that he didn’t come home last night and the makeup’s not yours.

He's a grown man, not a 10 year old.

This has absolutely nothing to do with his parents. And how exactly is she supposed to force him into her car? Hmm

AcrossthePond55 · 18/06/2023 14:44

I think you're doing brilliantly!

Right now you need to go 'stealth'. Say nothing, justify nothing, ask nothing. Keep yourself to yourself verbally, physically, emotionally. See a solicitor ASAP. Now that he knows you're done with him, you want to educate yourself and to take any 'presumptive actions' to protect finances and determine residency and access.

I agree with PP about withdrawing 'domestic services'. Do nothing for him. He can do his own laundry, cleaning, and cooking. Let him get used to it!

Gather your 'troops'. That is, people who will support you and help 'keep your head on straight'. Don't be afraid to tell them what happened before he 'adjusts the narrative'.

You can do this!

Callyem · 18/06/2023 14:44

"Send him off to his tart", "loose women"

OP you have my deepest sympathies, but honestly, some of the language being bandied around this thread is like its the 50s. The way we speak about each other is actually quite hateful.

Mylifeislikeaboatrace · 18/06/2023 14:56

Calling another woman a 'tart' is a bit shit, it takes two to have sex, I doubt he was raped.

momonpurpose · 18/06/2023 15:14

I have seen a lot of these threads on Mumsnet. But never one with a OP as strong as you. You are doing amazing you are putting yourself and your children first. We are all here wishing you the best. Be proud of yourself