I think my DH cheated on me last night

[nnamechangee]

We have been together a long time and have 3 young children, youngest is 3 months old.

We have been having some problems for a few months but if we talked properly things could have been resolved. He went out last night and came home this morning at 7.30am (he has never done this before). He text me at 4am saying he couldn't get a taxi and had to walk home. Technically it would take him this timeframe to come home.

However his clothes have makeup on them, smell like perfume and his trousers look like they have sperm on them, I have taken photos. He will deny this but I think there is just too much evidence here now.

I'm devastated and have to carry on as normal today for the children.

I dated somebody last year who had a one night stand with somebody and ended up with 50-50 of their 12 month old. This was despite the mother claiming absolutely everything from him being a paedophile to him being a drug addict. courts really aren’t that great.

I really hope you didn't date him after you knew about all that.

It's a hell of a risk to take dating someone accused of such things when you're a parent yourself.

Obviously not.

and seeing his pure incompetence in charge of the 12 month old was quite horrifying. I felt genuinely sorry for the mother. But that’s what the court ordered.

I couldn’t respect a man who would do that to a post natal woman. My son went to his dads for two days in a row at that age and the separation anxiety was insane, half the week would have been cruel.

I’ve never heard of 50:50 awarded under school age and someone on here having that threatened would be told that there’s no chance so don’t worry and to offer in writing something reasonable with a view to building up later on.

50-50 is the starting point these days. It is assumed it will be a 50-50 split, unless there is a very good reason otherwise. And even if there is a very good reason otherwise it’s still often 50-50. If any man tells you he’s only got his child every other weekend, it’s because that’s what he’s chosen. That applies to women obviously as well.

@nnamechangee

1. He goes on the attack when discovered, you can't cope with the kids, you can't afford to live without him, you need to pay the money you owe him, it was your fault as you where too tired for sex
2. He goes on the defensive....it's not what it seems, it was this, it was that. It wasn't what it looks like.

Next will come the tears.
I didn't mean it, it ment nothing, it will never happen again. Poor, poor, poor me.

Rinse and repeat until you give in.

Don't be me and waste more years of your life. He won't charge. I ended my 19 year relationship (2 children) on the third time I suspected/found out.

I was in a similar position as you OP.
Our life is good now, really happy, content and calm.

Get your ducks in a row. Make an appointment with Citizens Advice. They where really, really great.

*Paperwork, birth certificates, marriage certificate, tenancy agreement, bills, other outgoings/memberships/subscriptions, pensions, savings, bank statements, kids savings accounts.
Gather all these documents. You will feel more clear headed when you do

*Make a UC claim as of TOMORROW, it will take 6 weeks to start.

*Council Tax (when he has fucked off away) single person discount plus extra reduction depending on YOUR wage that month.

*CMS as of tomorrow

*Solicitor THIS WEEK.

It is a lot to take in, I know. You WILL get there step by step. It's not easy...but you will get there, I promise.
You will look back at this difficult time in a few years and see that it was the start of your New Chapter.
For now it is important to look after yourself. Keep hydrated, fed and rest as much as is possible. You will be the best mum you can as long as you look after you. X

You should be able to get the benefits even if it’s early days. I think I had to take dhs name off the tenancy for housing element but he still paid it until my name took over the tenancy. I am sorry you are going through this.

50/50 certainly doesn’t apply to breast feeding infants and I have never seen it personally awarded to any children under school age.

If you haven’t registered the birth I would consider not adding your dh. This will give you much more control over the baby at least.

If the baby has been born within a marriage, the father automatically has parental responsibility. You really shouldn’t be winding the OP up with this nonsense.

What an excellent plan said no one ever 🙄

Not true. If a couple is married the dad automatically has parental responsibility whether they are on the birth certificate or not

I've just read that you've been with him since you were 16. I was in your exact position and you are handling it so much better than I did. Just wanted to say Im in awe of your strength.

Added to which the baby is 3 months old and you need to register a birth within the first 6 weeks so even if they weren’t married that ship has long since sailed

There's only one way to find out ...

I've told him it's over and he immediately was like you can't afford this house and the kids are staying with me etc etc

Wow 🤯

What a callous and calculating piece of shit, that would definitely kill it dead for me.

He thinks he’s got you trapped, show that rat what time it is!

What he's currently trying:

DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reversing Victim and Offender - making out it was all your fault

Gaslighting - lying himself blue in the face to try to make you think you're imagining it, there's a reasonable explanation for it all (after he's had time to think up a tale, of course, rather than the moment you started asking, changing his story)

Threats - I'll take the children, you'll never make it by yourself (as in trying to make you think you're incapable, can't get on without him - more gaslighting)

Basically he realises he's lost the control he's had over you since you were sixteen. A child.

He's also going to lose what he considers his property - you and the children. It's not love, it's ownership that's worrying him.

Threats, undermining and gaslighting are all designed to claw that back.

Does the housing element of universal credits need to be paid directly to landlord or does it go through me. I really don't want him to find out because I would be worried he might not renew the contract come November.

Seems reasonable , all the positivity op

You can buy online a product called CheckMate to test if a substance is sperm.

I have no words of wisdom, except to say keep your cards close to your chest and tell him as little as possible until you're in a more secure situation. Him immediately threatening to take your kids away is not a good sign of what's to come from him.

Don't listen to his bluster about you not managing on your own, you will be better off without a 4th giant mouth to feed (and cock to service), he's a useless lump.

Thank you it's a shame that's so expensive or I would have bought it, more for my own sanity.

100% that is not sick- what the fuck is wrong with him

You're doing great OP! Please reach out to your friend sooner rather than later you need some in life support

Sorry for posting that but he's gaslighting me and I need clarification to stay strong here. Thank you all

Sperm glows in UV light. Just for info.

I'm so sorry OP but your children are so lucky to have such a strong and brave mum.