I think I’m in love with my best friend

[whydoidothistomyself]

My best friend is my world. We are so close - closer than I’ve ever been to anyone. He is the most important person in my life. We’re both single and in our 20s. We go on holiday alone together and talk constantly, we hold hands, we laugh hysterically together… the list goes on.

I have always felt like I didn’t really know love until I met him - real, unconditional, selfless love. But nothing has ever happened between us. The other night I just thought - am I being insane? Am I just merrily going along with a friendship with someone who I am meant to be with? I’ve known forever that I love him but it’s not been clear to me exactly what type of love.

We often say we treat each other like partners but we don’t fancy each other which I suppose is true but I wonder if maybe I do fancy him. I don’t know what to do - I could never lose him as a friend and I know I could speak to him because he wouldn’t make me feel bad in any way but I would hate to make things awkward.

All our friends have no idea why we aren’t together. And now I’m also wondering this.

I’m not sure what advice I want from this thread. Either I tell him or I don’t.

Does he have girlfriends, talk about women?

He’s dated women since we’ve been friends. I’ve never met them - it’s never gotten far enough. I’ve had one boyfriend since we’ve been friends (we were also both in relationships when we met) but it ended partially because he wasn’t comfortable with my friendship. (No holding hands happened when I wasn’t single!!)

I find it weird that you would do all those things together and not know if you fancy him? That makes me think you don't, but you are wishing you did (because how nice would that be?) so are trying to talk yourself into it.

Have you every wanted to kiss him? If you imagine having sex with him is it nice or a sort of 'urgh no, he's like my brother!' sort of feeling? Has he ever hinted that he fancies you?

Unless he's gay or asexual, then at some point he is going to have a girlfriend and at that point your relationship with his is going to have to change significantly. I'm all for people being good friends with people of the opposite sex, but no woman in her right mind is going to be happy about her boyfriend hvaing this degree of intimacy with a female friend. It sounds like you would also find this extremely painful.

So perhaps it may be best to talk to him directly.

The holding hands is more like, if we’re abroad on a metro and we’re getting off and it’s crowded he’ll put his hand out behind me for me to hold so we don’t get separated. And also just walking home when we’re drunk, I guess.

This is the thing!! On paper it feels absolutely mental, it’s like - I would never believe that we were just friends if I saw us from the outside. I’ve definitely wanted to kiss him. The idea of sex with him is weird, but I’m not sure I definitely wouldn’t want to.

I’m not really sure, I think really I just want him to be happy. The thought of him having a girlfriend isn’t horrible. But the thought of having to change our friendship is, and obviously we would have to because no reasonable woman is going to be ok with how it is.

You can love your friend, without being in love with your friend.

you’d know if you were attracted to him. do you think you could just be confusing love, like you’d feel for a brother/cousin etc, with romantic love?

This is the thing that I don’t understand. The idea of kissing him is so nice, and cuddling with him, and all of that, but the idea of actually having sex with him is weird.

But I’ve also never loved anyone like this. I’ve never even loved long term partners as much. It’s really confusing.

I had a friend I was like this with. We did go for it, it didn’t work. We managed to stay friends for a little while after but he was overstepping boundaries when I met DH and so our friendship ended. But a future partner isn’t going to happy with the level of intimacy now. It doesn’t seem like you’re actually attracted to him so I would either decrease the intimacy or give it a go and see what happens. Your relationship is going to have to change regardless.

It’s highly likely that those girlfriends you never met were actually men. Are you comfortable asking him directly if he’s gay?

If he is then you can decide whether having so close a friendship with him is actually blocking you from developing a relationship with someone else especially as you say the thought of having sex with him is weird.

Alternatively state your feelings and see what he says.

“Your relationship is going to have to change regardless.”

This.

You’re at an impasse and you know something has to change. This friendship isn’t working for you as it is now.

Life is messy.

You could tell him, see what happens. Fall in love, get married, have kids, them he runs off with the nanny. Or he recoils in horror and your relationship is never the same Or don't tell him and romanticise him as :the one that got away' (big hint here, if you choose this option you are avoidant and using this as a mechanism to avoid a real relationship).

All this seems very intense in your 20s. You are young. Any choice you make is going to be interesting so enjoy.

Oh no they’re definitely not men. One was a friend of his - and they’ve also met some of his other friends (who he lives with) but just not me. There’s no chance he’s gay.

This is the thing - on one hand it just feels like I will never meet anyone else who makes me laugh like him or who I feel this way about. I can’t imagine meeting someone and wanting to see them more than I want to see him. I definitely do not want a relationship at this point so I don’t think it’s avoidant but I also don’t know if I am just romanticising things! This whole stupid situation is doing my head in.

Maybe next time you go out drinking, get a bit more holdy handy/touchy-feely, see if it's reciprocated.

Why is it highly likely they were men??

Yeah that sounds massively avoidant and like you are using him as a shield.

I think this is a good idea. We’re going for dinner this week and then we have a weekend together planned soon.

@ArcticSkewer i just don’t want a boyfriend - if I met someone obviously I’d think about pursuing it but I don’t want a relationship.

This sounds very unusual because men normally make a move on a woman they like this much. Holding hands, going on holiday together - this sounds like an asexual but romantic relationship.

I think I'd risk being honest with him or at least gently pushing him for more honesty. Ask what sort of person he goes for, giving him the chance to say so if he is gay (but why would anyone hide that these days in UK?) You could say that sometimes you feel confused about how you feel for him because you love him so much it sometimes feels romantic. See how he reacts to that.

I married my best friend. We were at uni and were platonic housemates etc, then when I moved away, I chose to spend more time with him. My feelings changes and I asked him out. Best thing I ever did.

RoseDeWittBukatter
Maybe next time you go out drinking, get a bit more holdy handy/touchy-feely, see if it's reciprocated.

I think this is a good idea. We’re going for dinner this week and then we have a weekend together planned soon.

@whydoidothistomyself you could even do it over a few weekends, gradually increasing the level and gauge how he's responding. It might be he feels the same but is unsure how to approach it?

You could also maybe suggest a weekend away together that's romantic or maybe an activity where you have to get close. See if he's up for that?

I had a friendship like this all through uni. It got messy and jealous every time one of us started dating someone else. We did kiss a few times but it never went farther than that. When I got together with my now partner I had to make a conscious decision to cut him out - it was so painful but I knew 1. It was never going to work between us, if it was, it would have already and 2. It was not fair on my new boyfriend to maintain this friendship with very blurry lines. I miss home sometimes but it was the best decision I ever made and I deeply love my now partner and our life together. I wouldn’t have had the mental space to embrace this new relationship with my friend hanging around in the background honestly.

This ends two ways, either you talk about it and end up together, happy days. Or one of you gets into a serious relationship and the friendship drastically changes/distances or ends.

When I got with my ex I felt similar and also didn’t want a relationship. Going for it made us realise we weren’t well suited to each other romantically, there is no doubt, there is no questioning if he’s the one that got away. When I met my DH, having recently broken up with my ex and trying to navigate if we could still be friends, I also wasn’t ready for a relationship. However, all those feelings of wanting to see someone more were there with DH. We met at the end of second year of university, we’d both just turned 20 and were doing exams and starting dissertations. We were about to spend the summer at opposite ends of the country. Still decided it was worth the risk.

It does sound like your romanticising but now you’ve started you’ll likely always wonder.

Have neither one of you actually had the conversation about your relationship and why you are not a couple ?