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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I’m in love with my best friend

137 replies

whydoidothistomyself · 17/06/2023 09:06

My best friend is my world. We are so close - closer than I’ve ever been to anyone. He is the most important person in my life. We’re both single and in our 20s. We go on holiday alone together and talk constantly, we hold hands, we laugh hysterically together… the list goes on.

I have always felt like I didn’t really know love until I met him - real, unconditional, selfless love. But nothing has ever happened between us. The other night I just thought - am I being insane? Am I just merrily going along with a friendship with someone who I am meant to be with? I’ve known forever that I love him but it’s not been clear to me exactly what type of love.

We often say we treat each other like partners but we don’t fancy each other which I suppose is true but I wonder if maybe I do fancy him. I don’t know what to do - I could never lose him as a friend and I know I could speak to him because he wouldn’t make me feel bad in any way but I would hate to make things awkward.

All our friends have no idea why we aren’t together. And now I’m also wondering this.

I’m not sure what advice I want from this thread. Either I tell him or I don’t.

OP posts:
RoseDeWittBukatter · 17/06/2023 10:54

You do sound almost as if you are a couple already to be honest.

AnotherEmma · 17/06/2023 11:07

You need to talk to him. This is such a close relationship that it is obviously going to get in the way of either of you having a relationship with anyone else. So you need to ask yourself and him whether there is any chance of it becoming a romantic/sexual relationship and if so whether you want to give it a try. If it was me I think I'd want to try - maybe one night when you have a romantic date, have a few drinks, kiss and take it further if you both want to. Then see how you feel the next day. If you are both on the same page (ie both enjoyed it and want to continue, or both feel weird and want to go back to just being platonic friends) - all good. The problem will be if one of you wants the romantic/sexual relationship and the other doesn't. In that case I think it might be the beginning of the end of the relationship. But surely that's a necessary evil for you both to move on and establish full relationships with other people.

Think about what you want in life. If you want a romantic/sexual partner to have children with, he is either that person or he isn't. There isn't much point wasting time wondering about the nature of the relationship - try and find out so you know either way.

Dont get to your mid-30s only to find that you're still in love with him and he's marrying (or married to) someone else.

Original poster
whydoidothistomyself · 17/06/2023 11:10

Unsure33 · 17/06/2023 10:53

Have neither one of you actually had the conversation about your relationship and why you are not a couple ?

We’ve spoken about it but I guess not seriously. It just comes back to “we don’t fancy each other”.

OP posts:
Original poster
whydoidothistomyself · 17/06/2023 11:11

Dont get to your mid-30s only to find that you're still in love with him and he's marrying (or married to) someone else.

this is my worst nightmare…

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 17/06/2023 11:18

whydoidothistomyself · 17/06/2023 11:10

We’ve spoken about it but I guess not seriously. It just comes back to “we don’t fancy each other”.

Show quote history

Talk to him again, then. Tell him that you're confused about your feelings for him and you're not sure whether you fancy him or not.

If he thinks you're not attracted to him, he might say he's not attracted to you to save face, and vice versa - that might be why you felt you had to say you're not attracted to him, if it's not reciprocated.

AnotherEmma · 17/06/2023 11:19

Or just get drunk together and lean in to kiss him and see what happens Grin

Original poster
whydoidothistomyself · 17/06/2023 11:29

I do worry about what will happen when he gets a girlfriend. He always says that the right person for him will be ok with us being friends but I also think it’s slightly delusional for either of us to think that it wouldn’t cause major issues. We text so often, my phone background is a photo of me and him, we fall asleep in the same bed when we go out, he picks me up regularly, we play fight probably every day… I think I’m just being a bit stupid here. I need to talk to him.

OP posts:
RoseDeWittBukatter · 17/06/2023 11:29

AnotherEmma · 17/06/2023 11:19

Or just get drunk together and lean in to kiss him and see what happens Grin

This would be a real gutsy thing to do and it will go either two ways. I would do it, if it was me! He who dares ... 👊🏼

AnotherEmma · 17/06/2023 11:39

There's no way on earth that other people dating either of you would be ok with all that.

Play fighting?! That's flirting basically.

If either of you had a partner I'd call this an emotional affair.

TawnyFae · 17/06/2023 11:43

I personally dislike the ‘try it on & see what happens’ approach, especially the suggestion of ‘after a few drinks’

Having a conversation about the relationship may feel like a huge thing due to fear of the possible outcome, but it is by far the most sensible and respectful thing you could do.

And also much better to be addressing it now before a third person becomes involved with one of you and brings it to a head.

Zanatdy · 17/06/2023 11:50

i’d bet my bottom dollar he’s in love with you. Make the move

Willowkins · 17/06/2023 11:53

I was in this type of relationship. Best friends, told each other everything. Then, I fell in love with him. Not just love, actually more like falling down a well.

Could you ask him if he's ever thought about the two of you getting together and then watch his face? Panic means no and you can have a laugh about it.

I didn't tell MrW for ages because I didn't want to ruin our friendship. One night out, he told me he was serious. A week later I said, let's get married then.

SummerVino · 17/06/2023 12:38

I think on some level you would deffo know if you did or didn’t fancy him , so maybe you don’t? You need to spend more time working that out.
I had a male friend too who used to come visit me at work on my lunch hour and he’d hold my hand in the car… he’s now my husband :)
I think there has to be something there on his side as no way would he do all of those things if he didn’t like you, surely!?
Whats important is you work this out before either of you get attached to someone else; particularly before he does. How badly would it hurt to watch him do all of that stuff with someone else knowing you feel this way about him? Ask yourself how would you feel attending say, his wedding? Would you be upset? What’s your immediate feeling when you imagine all of these things? Sometimes it takes a kiss to know whether things would be sparks…
I imagine if you guys are this level of good friends; a convo like that isn’t going to ruin your friendship. Good luck OP!

RoseDeWittBukatter · 17/06/2023 12:50

This guy sounds lush and sounds like a keeper! Bag him and make it official, there are so many losers out there, snap him up quick before someone else does because they will and then your'll be gutted!

Freefall212 · 17/06/2023 12:53

I was in a similar friendship situation many moons ago. Eventually since everyone else was saying it, we just said, why haven't we given us a shot. Should we go for it? We decided to give it a whirl. It soon become apparent that we were not good together at all! When your mind switches from friend to potential life partner and things get serious fast as you are already best friends, for us things just did not align. Priorities and values are different in what you want in a friend vs a life partner / co parent in life. We ended things before it went bad and went back to being friends. Our friendship ended when he got serious / engaged and then married to his wife as she was very threatened by how close we were, all our history, our natural chemistry (non sexual) and whatever else. We both married people who are nothing like each other so I guess that also showed why we didn't work. I don't regret at all giving it a go. Otherwise I would have always wondered. I am glad we decided to end the relationship and go back to friends as soon as it was clear it was going to be a lot of work.

Original poster
whydoidothistomyself · 17/06/2023 12:58

SummerVino · 17/06/2023 12:38

I think on some level you would deffo know if you did or didn’t fancy him , so maybe you don’t? You need to spend more time working that out.
I had a male friend too who used to come visit me at work on my lunch hour and he’d hold my hand in the car… he’s now my husband :)
I think there has to be something there on his side as no way would he do all of those things if he didn’t like you, surely!?
Whats important is you work this out before either of you get attached to someone else; particularly before he does. How badly would it hurt to watch him do all of that stuff with someone else knowing you feel this way about him? Ask yourself how would you feel attending say, his wedding? Would you be upset? What’s your immediate feeling when you imagine all of these things? Sometimes it takes a kiss to know whether things would be sparks…
I imagine if you guys are this level of good friends; a convo like that isn’t going to ruin your friendship. Good luck OP!

Imagining his wedding, seeing him stand up with someone else, smile at her, kiss her, talk about spending the rest of his life with her… actually makes me feel like I’m going to throw up a bit. Oh god I’m going to have to talk to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
whydoidothistomyself · 17/06/2023 13:01

RoseDeWittBukatter · 17/06/2023 12:50

This guy sounds lush and sounds like a keeper! Bag him and make it official, there are so many losers out there, snap him up quick before someone else does because they will and then your'll be gutted!

He is, he’s just the sweetest person. He always gives me the last seat on the tube and stands up, he buys me cute little things sometimes, or he buys me treats when he knows I have hard things at work, he makes me a huge priority in his life, whenever he has food or a drink he offers me some first, he always lets me wear his jumpers when I’m cold, he listens to me always, he remembers every little thing I say. I’ve never felt so strongly that whenever something bad happens to him I just want to take it away and experience it myself so he doesn’t have to - I’d do anything for him to be happy! He’s fantastic and I’m very lucky to know him.

OP posts:
RoseDeWittBukatter · 17/06/2023 13:09

@whydoidothistomyself you have to tell him. Go and do it now! Where is he today? Are you meeting him today?

BlooDeBloop · 17/06/2023 13:24

As far as 'I'm not ready for a relationship' is concerned I'm here to inform you that it doesn't work that way. You don't get to state the schedule of your life in this way. A person presents themselves to you, you really like each other..., there is no 'time ' for it. Similarly with having kids, changing careers etc. These things happen by themselves. If this guy is the one, then now is the right time to take him.

It seems to me he is really into you and you are ambivalent at best, loving the relationship vibe without the sex. He sees that which is why he hasn't pushed for more. I bet if you pushed for more you would find him reciprocating. Male friends don't hang around the way yours does 🤷.

I believe you are avoiding this relationship developing further. You prefer what you have to the commitment and intimacy of a fully fledged relationship. Why you are avoiding it is in you. There are two possible reasons. Because you are the avoidant type. Or you don't really love this guy and know it deep down. So if you start intimacy, you know you're leading him down a doomed path.

AnIdiotSandwich · 17/06/2023 13:29

Aw. I had this situation. We decided to give it a go, been married for 6 years and expecting baby number three. I can honestly say it was the best thing ever. Might be worth a shot? 🤞

AnIdiotSandwich · 17/06/2023 13:34

Also to add, I convinced myself I didn't fancy him, but actually I did. We had been best mates since (primary!) school and acted a lot like you and your friend. We had been in relationships on and off throughout our friendship of course but there was just always something. Sometimes the obvious solution is just staring you in the face 🤷

Newtt · 17/06/2023 13:55

whydoidothistomyself · 17/06/2023 11:11

Dont get to your mid-30s only to find that you're still in love with him and he's marrying (or married to) someone else.

this is my worst nightmare…

I was about to quote this.

Also, as a PP has said, you've reached a cross roads anyway..
One way or another there needs to be a change so you can both move forward either together or with other people.

Don't go through life not knowing if was actually the ONE...

'We only regret the things we didn't do'

tinselvestsparklepants · 17/06/2023 14:09

I had one of these. He got roaringly drunk once, kissed me and I was so upset - I'd adored him for ages but to be lunged at when he was pissed just felt horrible. I met my now husband shortly afterwards, who made it clear from the get go that he thought I was ace and did something about it quickly. No more emotional limbo. Can't put into words how good that felt!

QueenVerilas · 17/06/2023 14:14

TawnyFae · 17/06/2023 11:43

I personally dislike the ‘try it on & see what happens’ approach, especially the suggestion of ‘after a few drinks’

Having a conversation about the relationship may feel like a huge thing due to fear of the possible outcome, but it is by far the most sensible and respectful thing you could do.

And also much better to be addressing it now before a third person becomes involved with one of you and brings it to a head.

Absolutely this.

lunar1 · 17/06/2023 14:21

I have a friendship like this, but we don't hold hands. My husband and his wife don't care.

When we were in our 20's and single we had a proper talk about it, decided we were going on a proper date to see if it was more. So we went on our date which was fine. We kissed. It wasn't bad for either of us, but there were no butterflies, none of that giddy feeling when you start something new.

It didn't feel like a romantic relationship was right for us at all.

Tall to your friend, don't have a plan for trying anything when you have both been drinking, not if you value the friendship.