I think I’m in love with my best friend

[whydoidothistomyself]

My best friend is my world. We are so close - closer than I’ve ever been to anyone. He is the most important person in my life. We’re both single and in our 20s. We go on holiday alone together and talk constantly, we hold hands, we laugh hysterically together… the list goes on.

I have always felt like I didn’t really know love until I met him - real, unconditional, selfless love. But nothing has ever happened between us. The other night I just thought - am I being insane? Am I just merrily going along with a friendship with someone who I am meant to be with? I’ve known forever that I love him but it’s not been clear to me exactly what type of love.

We often say we treat each other like partners but we don’t fancy each other which I suppose is true but I wonder if maybe I do fancy him. I don’t know what to do - I could never lose him as a friend and I know I could speak to him because he wouldn’t make me feel bad in any way but I would hate to make things awkward.

All our friends have no idea why we aren’t together. And now I’m also wondering this.

I’m not sure what advice I want from this thread. Either I tell him or I don’t.

“As far as 'I'm not ready for a relationship' is concerned I'm here to inform you that it doesn't work that way. You don't get to state the schedule of your life in this way. A person presents themselves to you, you really like each other..., there is no 'time ' for it. Similarly with having kids, changing careers etc. These things happen by themselves. If this guy is the one, then now is the right time to take him.

It seems to me he is really into you and you are ambivalent at best, loving the relationship vibe without the sex. He sees that which is why he hasn't pushed for more. I bet if you pushed for more you would find him reciprocating. Male friends don't hang around the way yours does 🤷.

I believe you are avoiding this relationship developing further. You prefer what you have to the commitment and intimacy of a fully fledged relationship. Why you are avoiding it is in you. There are two possible reasons. Because you are the avoidant type. Or you don't really love this guy and know it deep down. So if you start intimacy, you know you're leading him down a doomed path.”

This. @BlooDeBloop has nailed it.

Have you considered marrying?
Marriage doesn't have to involve sex. Many married couples stop having sex with each other despite being in love.

Well obviously I’m not saying that if I met someone who really seemed like the right person that I wouldn’t pursue it, but I really enjoy being single at the moment and my experience of my last two relationships hasn’t been great.

God I am absolutely not ambivalent about any aspect of him, at all. I adore him. Of course I love our dynamic and how he makes me feel without having sex, it’s not like the whole time I’ve been pining after him.

Right now, he is the only person I can see myself allowing the commitment and intimacy of a relationship with but he’s said more than once that he doesn’t see me in that way/doesn’t fancy me and I was pretty sure I felt the same. It’s not getting closer to him that scares me, it’s losing him.

It seems to me the reason you might not be looking for a relationship is because you’re all but in one already… with him!

So he has actually said that he doesn't fancy you? How did that come about? Who said it first?

Watch When Harry Met Sally with him! The whole theme is about whether men and women can ever just be friends.

Sorry OP I misunderstood your situation, but then I'm not so sure you know what you want from this friendship.

If you want the friendship to continue as it is, you don't have to do anything. There will always be a risk of losing him whether you are friends, lovers or spouses or any or all of them.

If you want your friendship to change into something else you either have to make a pass at him, which I think would be unwise, or discuss the matter with him. And if you do discuss the matter then be brave and have the courage to tell him what you are hoping for. Perhaps not a long speech but raise the subject and see what he says or how he reacts.

Yeah, when we were away recently we basically said “why aren’t we together?” And we both said it’s because we just don’t fancy each other. I am definitely not his usual type and he isn’t mine really either but I wonder if it’s just one of those things where we just need to kiss and see what happens.

He does have other friends who are girls but I’m not exactly convinced he does any of the stuff he does with me with them.

I can’t watch that film without crying - so much of it is so accurate like when they’re in bed in their own places on the phone together watching the same film, and the end when she says “anyway, it’s about old friends” - NO 😭

You are me ten years ago 😆 I had a long term friendship with an amazing guy, but wasn't sure enough I fancied him enough to risk the friendship. In the end I thought, what would my 80 year old self say? I thought she'd say, risk it for the chance to get everything.

We've been married a few years now, and I am the most ridiculously happy woman who has ever lived. I adore him utterly, and he is absolutely perfect for me, and I him.

Friendships (even amazing ones) can be replaced, and you'll have many in your life. But hopefully, you'll only have one husband. Find the best man you can. Can you imagine anyone who'd make a better husband than your friend?

I had this in my with a male friends - we even went interrailling together. Several months later -very drunk - we had the “why did not take things further” chat in a crowded bar on a night out with friends. We both agreed to test it!!!! We had a snog, technically fine but gave us both the “errr…no” confirmation we needed. Still good friends 25 years later but sorted out the risk of “one that got away?” question for good. We’re both happily married 😊

Agree with @Gingerwright . You have to try…it might go like that or @Standingonlego bit at least you will know!

Can you imagine anyone who'd make a better husband than your friend?

No. Genuinely, no.

I really swing between thinking “obviously this isn’t just friendship!!!” and then thinking there’s no way he sees me in that way.

Because we have a few nice things lined up I’ll test the waters then, I think.

This was me. My best friend for years. I used to refer to him as a "Ken doll" as the thought of him that way seemed insane.

Years later after he filled my flat with hundreds of balloons for my birthday, I started thinking about it and 2 months later we on his birthday, we seemed to figure it out.

Now married 6 years with a 4 year old and tons of animals!

This!!! I realised that when looking for men, I was looking for someone like him..

Can I ask how old you both are? @whydoidothistomyself

I had this with my best male friend in my 20s. I'd go so far as to say he's my soulmate, as far as I believe in them. He wanted more and I wanted to want more, but we tried the sex thing and the attraction wasn't there for me, although I liked the idea of it. It felt too weird. We had known each other from the age of 4, and it was almost as if I knew him too well. We are still friends though live in different places, but our friendship was never the same after that. We both went on to date and marry other people. I still sometimes mourn what we could have had if the attraction had been there.

Are you over romanticising this a little? My view is that 1. He has indicated that he doesn’t fancy you. 2. He has never made a move on you which is frankly very unusual for a man who has had other girlfriends (he clearly knows how to make a move)

My male best friend and I did this, we’ve now been together for 30 odd years 😁

We’re both in our early 20s.

I had a friendship like this in my teens/early twenties. We were always very huggy and touchy feely and I remember him giving me an amazing back rub after a night out with a group of friends in his city. We never kissed though and I distinctly remember thinking he was ‘too nice’- because my normal modus operandi was to jump on anyone I even vaguely fancied🙄. I decided that (for once) I’d let him do the chasing if he was interested.

Years later, him divorced, me split from the father of my eldest and moved back to the UK. We met up and the rest is history. Wish I’d jumped on him years ago.😂 I will say that I probably fancy him more now, after 14 years and two children together than I did when we were younger. I try not to dwell on the what could have been and comfort myself with the fact that I might not have treated him very well back then.

Go for it OP.

Oh yes, the reason he didn’t ask me out initially is because our mutual friend warned him I was a ‘man eater’😳

Right now, he is the only person I can see myself allowing the commitment and intimacy of a relationship with but he’s said more than once that he doesn’t see me in that way/doesn’t fancy me

It sounds like you need to remove the idea of a relationship with him from the equation because he has made it clear multiple times that he is not interested and it won’t happen. He is enjoying having female companionship without the effort of a relationship. You are firmly in the friend zone.

Once you get past that you need to decide if you want to continue the friendship knowing that it will only be a friendship, and likely only until he gets into a serious relationship, or if you want to distance yourself for your own wellbeing. Good luck, OP.

Oh completely, our whole friendship I’ve really enjoyed that he’s a man I can be really close as friends with without it being romantic, and I’ve also said to him multiple times that I don’t fancy him. Which was true when I said it!
I’ve obviously wondered about it before but I’ve been largely clear that it’s not that type of vibe. More recently I’ve started thinking more seriously that maybe I’m being an idiot and the right thing to do is staring me in the face - it’s entirely possible he also feels that way, and also that he doesn’t. Regardless I want to stay friends with him.

I had a friend like this. We even lived together at various points and both dated other people, including while we were living together. He was my best friend, the one I talked for hours with, the one who I couldn't even thing about dating because of it went wrong I'd lose him.

After 4 years or so, and an unthinkable amount of alcohol one night, we kissed. Things grew from there and we've been married 15 years now.

He's still my best friend. The one who forgives my mistakes, accepts my shortcomings, supports my choices and decisions.

Sometimes romantic relationships grow from friendships

@whydoidothistomyself Any update? I want to know if this works out!

I haven’t been brave enough yet - but I’m seeing him this weekend for a night in so will update you!!

So a bit of an update -

We spent the day together yesterday. When we got back we lay on the sofa and cuddled and he held my hand and stroked it and then I fell asleep with my head on his chest and him stroking my hair. Then we went to bed and fell asleep also cuddling - I just feel like ok great there’s my answer it’s DEFINITELY not just me!! What was the weirdest thing (and still is because I’m still at his and it’s been the same this morning) is how it doesn’t actually feel weird. It feels mental that we haven’t done this all along.

We haven’t kissed yet and I don’t know if that’s going to happen but I think it probably should.