Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I’m in love with my best friend

137 replies

whydoidothistomyself · 17/06/2023 09:06

My best friend is my world. We are so close - closer than I’ve ever been to anyone. He is the most important person in my life. We’re both single and in our 20s. We go on holiday alone together and talk constantly, we hold hands, we laugh hysterically together… the list goes on.

I have always felt like I didn’t really know love until I met him - real, unconditional, selfless love. But nothing has ever happened between us. The other night I just thought - am I being insane? Am I just merrily going along with a friendship with someone who I am meant to be with? I’ve known forever that I love him but it’s not been clear to me exactly what type of love.

We often say we treat each other like partners but we don’t fancy each other which I suppose is true but I wonder if maybe I do fancy him. I don’t know what to do - I could never lose him as a friend and I know I could speak to him because he wouldn’t make me feel bad in any way but I would hate to make things awkward.

All our friends have no idea why we aren’t together. And now I’m also wondering this.

I’m not sure what advice I want from this thread. Either I tell him or I don’t.

OP posts:
FiddleLeaf · 02/07/2023 11:32

I think you’re missing intimacy and deep down you’re considering settling for a relationship that doesn’t have the important foundation of physically finding each other attractive.

Your friendship will change as you meet other people but it will be OK. I suggest not romanticising your friendship any further.

M340 · 02/07/2023 11:37

FiddleLeaf · 02/07/2023 11:32

I think you’re missing intimacy and deep down you’re considering settling for a relationship that doesn’t have the important foundation of physically finding each other attractive.

Your friendship will change as you meet other people but it will be OK. I suggest not romanticising your friendship any further.

I disagree.

Physical intimacy doesn't always appear for a long time. Or it can be compressed and you're unaware it's not there. There are so many people out there that end up in relationships long term with people that have been in their life for a long time, on a platonic basis.

The only real time I think 'missing intimacy' is a thing is if you're in a long sexless marriage or relationship. Where the sex was there and now it's gone. Single people don't necessary mean they're missing intimacy. They're just simply not in a relationship.

Wonderful update OP, please let us know how it continues. I really hope it goes the way you both want it to!

WetBandits · 02/07/2023 11:40

I missed your thread when you first posted it but just seen your update - yay 😁

I truly hope this all works out 🥰

FiddleLeaf · 02/07/2023 11:43

M340 · 02/07/2023 11:37

I disagree.

Physical intimacy doesn't always appear for a long time. Or it can be compressed and you're unaware it's not there. There are so many people out there that end up in relationships long term with people that have been in their life for a long time, on a platonic basis.

The only real time I think 'missing intimacy' is a thing is if you're in a long sexless marriage or relationship. Where the sex was there and now it's gone. Single people don't necessary mean they're missing intimacy. They're just simply not in a relationship.

Wonderful update OP, please let us know how it continues. I really hope it goes the way you both want it to!

Show quote history

I agree to an extent that it can take time but it can’t be a forced thing. If the idea of sex with someone is weird vs exciting what hope is there?

Having been single for a good chunk of my thirties I can confirm you can miss intimacy. Simple things like a hand hold, a hand on the bottom of your back etc. It was raised many times during the various lockdowns too.

Sorry, I’m just not buying this. I think it’s settling for the closest person rather than sticking it out alone. Like when Miranda suddenly decided she loved Steve in Sex and the City.

GhostOrchid · 02/07/2023 13:05

I had a friendship a bit like this. Very close throughout university and a few years after but no spark and we were never particularly physically affectionate. He did once ask me if I would go to bed with him. He might as well have asked me if I wanted a cup of tea; it was so business like and transactional that I turned him down. I wanted a bit of romance and lust and he was never my type physically, being rather small and slight.

He dropped me like a hot stone when he got together with his now wife. I wasn’t even invited to the wedding. It hurt at the time but I moved on. We have some mutual friends but I tend to avoid occasions where he might be there and haven’t seen him for years.

Looking back actually it was fairly toxic. He would become incredibly jealous when another man showed me any attention. I copped off with his flatmate once (flatmate and I fancied each and were both single) and he didn’t speak to either of us for weeks. And he would quite often let me down and lie to me. I think the friendship, which I clung to like a safety blanket for too long, probably held me back.

Anyway, good luck OP with whatever happens.

violinviolet · 02/07/2023 19:45

If he was a woman and your best friend would you be thinking like this?

Ireolu · 02/07/2023 20:05

My husband was my closest friend for about 8 months before we got together. Not his type, not my type either. Our prior relationship sounds pretty similar to yours. Everyone around us was convinced something was going on when there wasn't until he asked me out. Still together 15 yrs later.

WhiteChocMocha · 02/07/2023 23:58

Two bits of advice if that’s what you’re looking for.

Firstly, you’ll regret things you didn’t do more than things you did when looking back later in life. Second, you don’t want to be left thinking ‘what if?’ rest of your life. Cheesy I know, but if it works then it’s probably amazing, and if it doesn’t then at least you found out.

I had a friend like this, where first I denied I fancied him, then I told everyone, myself and him that we were just friends and not interested in each other. Then I realised how much it would hurt to see him end up with someone else, and losing what we have.

Then he kissed me and it was the most amazing thing ever. And now he’s my bf. Even if it doesn’t work out, I smile every day that we had the courage to go there and try, because this level of trust and connection in a relationship is something else.

Good luck 🍀

MrsO3 · 03/07/2023 00:22

Just sat and read this whole thread, I'm hooked! PLEASE keep us updated @whydoidothistomyself!

NeedToThinkOfOne · 03/07/2023 00:26

🤣 me too @MrsO3 and now I’m very invested in the life of @whydoidothistomyself

MrsO3 · 03/07/2023 00:27

Oh, and I'm another example for the 'I married my best friend" brigade. We weren't friends for very long before we got together but when we met we got on SO well but we were both very 'I don't want a relationship' blah blah blah. We started to spend every day together but were adamant we were 'just friends.' Anyway, the 'just friends' thing didn't last very long, fast forward 12 years, we're now married (have been for 5 years) and have 3 children together! oh, and we're still best friends (:
(cliché but true)
Good luck either way @whydoidothistomyself

MrsO3 · 03/07/2023 00:28

@NeedToThinkOfOne It's like an addictive Netflix series, I need the next episode! 🤣

SirVixofVixHall · 03/07/2023 00:32

RoseDeWittBukatter · 17/06/2023 09:41

Maybe next time you go out drinking, get a bit more holdy handy/touchy-feely, see if it's reciprocated.

This.
You want to kiss him, so just kiss him OP, and see what happens.

surreygirl1987 · 03/07/2023 00:38

Awwww love this!

Amybelle88 · 03/07/2023 00:42

Following this like an actual real rom com and really want you to work out and have babies and get married 😂😂❤️❤️

ClymYeobright · 03/07/2023 00:47

Honestly, OP, your update makes me want to ask a somewhat crude and obvious question (in order to clarify whether he’s telling the truth when he says he’s not attracted to you). You lay on the sofa cuddling and then went to bed and cuddled, presumably not fully dressed — bluntly, did he have an erection?

Original poster
whydoidothistomyself · 03/07/2023 20:11

Update!

So we talked about it today. And we were very honest. And we spoke about how no one makes us laugh like each other, and how no one makes us feel like each other, and how we’ve always assumed we don’t fancy each other, but that we have realised that this isn’t actually true. And the long and short of it is we are now dating!!! I can’t believe I’m actually writing this. It’s so surreal - I feel like I’m in a dream that I’m going to wake up from. I’ve always told myself that I don’t fancy him and that I don’t see him that way but this weekend has proved that isn’t true. And he feels the same. And I can’t believe it.

I am so, so happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
whydoidothistomyself · 03/07/2023 20:12

@MrsO3 @NeedToThinkOfOne @Amybelle88 Update above!

OP posts:
ZoChan · 03/07/2023 20:14

Wahooo!! Congratulations!!!

CalamityClam · 03/07/2023 20:19

So the big question is….what was the kiss like?!

loopychick · 03/07/2023 20:33

whydoidothistomyself · 03/07/2023 20:11

Update!

So we talked about it today. And we were very honest. And we spoke about how no one makes us laugh like each other, and how no one makes us feel like each other, and how we’ve always assumed we don’t fancy each other, but that we have realised that this isn’t actually true. And the long and short of it is we are now dating!!! I can’t believe I’m actually writing this. It’s so surreal - I feel like I’m in a dream that I’m going to wake up from. I’ve always told myself that I don’t fancy him and that I don’t see him that way but this weekend has proved that isn’t true. And he feels the same. And I can’t believe it.

I am so, so happy.

❤️❤️❤️

Snowy2022 · 03/07/2023 20:55

whydoidothistomyself · 17/06/2023 11:10

We’ve spoken about it but I guess not seriously. It just comes back to “we don’t fancy each other”.

Show quote history

@whydoidothistomyself I am pretty good at relationship stuff (more like courtship) as due to my demanding job, I jokingly say I have spent more years in the courtship stage, although with a few different men, and not at the same time. I dated rarely but was clued on and wasn't shy to go for things lol I have no regrets and wouldn't do it any other ways:) So let me help:

I have only read the thread up to here but had to write now as what stood out very early on is the 'we just say we don't fancy each other' line. The reason I am writing mid way is because this is the second time you have said this.

You have subsequently stated you just never thought you fancied him but then you think you might actually fancy him. Someone has said this, that it looks like you 'think' you fancy him. People don't think they fancy someone, but just do. Like you can't sleep at night just wishing you were curled up next to them that kind of thing.

But most importantly, not once have you said if either he fancies you or if maybe he fancies you. By this I mean subtle signs (written million times in women's magazines) like his look lingering, going through his hair when he sees you so to fix it to look good to you, etc etc etc.

Bestfriend-ship

All I have got thus far are you describing your wonderful friendship and your friends asking why you 2 aren't together and you now 'thinking' maybe you fancy him. That's all perfectly fine and what you need to do, provided nothing bad is going on in your life that you might want to distract from with this friendship, is to just have a straightforward, honest conversation with him and tell him you have thought about your friendship, how you care about him and he seems to care about you etc and ask if maybe you two could give a relationship a shot. Anything else is living what ifs, a life of regrets, etc etc and just wasting your time.

As others have said, be prepared for a negative answer(you will live with it) and for the friendship to change. As others have said, this friendship will have to change in future anyway.

Snowy2022 · 03/07/2023 20:57

Oh, posted before your update, which was also encouriging you to speak to him. Well done. Well done. As I said, honest conversations in these things have always served me well! Very happy for you!!!!

Snowy2022 · 03/07/2023 20:59

whydoidothistomyself · 03/07/2023 20:11

Update!

So we talked about it today. And we were very honest. And we spoke about how no one makes us laugh like each other, and how no one makes us feel like each other, and how we’ve always assumed we don’t fancy each other, but that we have realised that this isn’t actually true. And the long and short of it is we are now dating!!! I can’t believe I’m actually writing this. It’s so surreal - I feel like I’m in a dream that I’m going to wake up from. I’ve always told myself that I don’t fancy him and that I don’t see him that way but this weekend has proved that isn’t true. And he feels the same. And I can’t believe it.

I am so, so happy.

😍😍😍

AnotherEmma · 03/07/2023 21:09

whydoidothistomyself · 03/07/2023 20:11

Update!

So we talked about it today. And we were very honest. And we spoke about how no one makes us laugh like each other, and how no one makes us feel like each other, and how we’ve always assumed we don’t fancy each other, but that we have realised that this isn’t actually true. And the long and short of it is we are now dating!!! I can’t believe I’m actually writing this. It’s so surreal - I feel like I’m in a dream that I’m going to wake up from. I’ve always told myself that I don’t fancy him and that I don’t see him that way but this weekend has proved that isn’t true. And he feels the same. And I can’t believe it.

I am so, so happy.

WOOHOO, congratulations! I'm so happy for you both Smile Well done for being brave and talking about it.