dating over 40/50, is it all about looking after them - men and nothing else?

[pepsielliot]

I am mid 40. Just started dating late 50 man. early stage but I think red flags all over. Just wonder what you think. I have properties abroad and rent here due to work arrangement. He has his own house. He talks a lot about getting a 5 bedroom house together. I said no many times but he is v persistent. I asked what for, it's apparently because he likes space and hates my place I rent and we should commit to something together to show each other commitment. he also wanted to get married and I said not as for me financially it be a bad decision. I have not got children, he has 2 adults. I really do not want to get into something I will potentially regret as bad financial decision. I feel he can not respect my decision of not wanting a 5 bedroom house. When he stays at my place he tends to behave as if I am here to do the housework for him. He also speaks a lot about pensions, shows off his one which is nothing impressive. I constantly feel sense of envy from him as I am planning to retire abroad. it is almost as if he wants to control every aspect of my life. I have a car (premium brand) he criticises it and tries to influence me to buy a different car which I do not want. If I show him a car I want and ask his opinion he ignores me. 'do whatever you want'. He on the other hand complains he hasn't got a car even though can afford one. I think he prefers driving my car when needs to. It's all in little things that are less and less charming. Since spending more time at mine, we do not go out or sleep together. It's flat mates but it got to the stage where I do know how to approach subject as all is very pass-agressive and defensive. Anyone with similar experience?

It doesn't sound like you're a very compatible match.

He sounds awful. Basically a jealous cocklodger. He's trying to take advantage of you financially in a major way.
Definitely don't give in to him on those points, and ideally dump him.

This man is not a catch but you are

@Beenaboutabit thank you/ I think he thinks he is a catch as he owns a house and is still in a good job. Although it is a bit strange - for all the money and an asset he is constantly miserable.

I tend to speak little about my finances but he likes asking questions. for example 'what are you planning to do with this property or that?' gets frustrated when I say 'oh who knows nothing'. I should invest, I should this and that. there is often an odd undertone and way too much money talk.

I reckon it was all about merging finances and me lining pockets of his kids via their future inheritance - what do you think? open question to all really?

Nurse with a purse!

…and why the fuck does he want a 5 bedroom house, just more for you to clean!

Buy a five bedroom house with him then he will want to retire early!

You’re his retirement plan and his kids inheritance fund. Dump him!

Just dump. And don’t write off dating. This is just one guy. But next time be more ruthless. Get rid as soon as you see the red flags.

Why are you wasting your time with him??

He seems a bit much.

Jealous cocklodger ..love it..

He’s too old, but there’s also no point showing off about a ‘premium’ car (?!) or properties abroad.
Move on

So as he has his own place, do you go there? Does he do the housework and hosting while there? You have many years to go before retirement, whereas he may well be just a couple of years off so more focused on it. He's at a different stage in life, just bin it off and find someone your own age.

Have you posted about this before? There was a very similar thread a while ago. No BTW don't do it

Oh my God do not waste your time with this disgusting mooch. What on earth does he have to offer? He sounds tedious.

Very much this. Plus he has you lined up to be his carer when the time comes. This would all scare me and I'd be off! 🌹

Why would a couple with no yiung children get a 5 bedroom house, sorry that's just weird and makes no sense. Dump him!

he sees you as a way to bolster his pension & retirement plans. Does not sound like he is bringing much into this relationship tbh. He is jealous of what you have accomplished however and is massaging his ego by not respecting your decisions. Men don’t cope well in their own - he just wants a sugar mummy to keep him in a style he could get accustomed to.

run - you can do better than this.

Agree with this. Run like the wind!

He hasn't even done anything to earn basic love and respect, let alone earn a dig out of your money, car, assets and presumably also plan to freely benefit from your ability to wipe his arse when he inevitably becomes even more of a rude, entitled and selfish burden to you in later years.

Genuinely, get rid of him now, today even, you are worth ten of him (and not just because of money!)

I'd also pay for a bit of therapy after you've got rid of the man/leech sucking your lifeblood away, just so you can enjoy having cast-iron boundaries when inevitably the next jumped-up little moocher tries to attach to you like a giant (probably impotent) tick 💪

This is one where I really hope you come back soon and update us that you have definitely got rid! ❤️

Like someone says, you are his retirement fund - ditch & upgrade !

He sounds fun

Honestly if the only redeeming feature you could think of to tell us is “is employed” I think you know what you want to do.

Sounds scummy and boring. Disengage.

@Twobyfour asked why 5 bedroom house, so did I and the answer was because we need: master bedroom (1), office for each of us (2,3), guest bedroom for when someone comes to stay (who?), and -wait for it- hobby room for him.
I had an internal cringe because hobby room sounds like old people. No offence to old people but it is necessary right?

You also said 'buy the house and he will want to retire early' - yes he already said it he want to retire asap. So I asked - so you retire and I will work for the mortgage? he told me nothing wrong with that as he has done his fair amount of work in life and he will be higher contributor to the house with deposit. A bit late in life for mortgages right? why go from 4 bed to 5 bed at nearly 60 next year?

Retirement plan you say? I often wonder how though? I do not have pension in the form most people have. I come here for others thoughts and reassurance but not sure how I can boost his retirement...

*unnecessary - I meant
** and I was counting bedrooms master(1), office for each (2,3), guest (4), hobby room (5).
sorry typing too fast!