dating over 40/50, is it all about looking after them - men and nothing else?

[pepsielliot]

I am mid 40. Just started dating late 50 man. early stage but I think red flags all over. Just wonder what you think. I have properties abroad and rent here due to work arrangement. He has his own house. He talks a lot about getting a 5 bedroom house together. I said no many times but he is v persistent. I asked what for, it's apparently because he likes space and hates my place I rent and we should commit to something together to show each other commitment. he also wanted to get married and I said not as for me financially it be a bad decision. I have not got children, he has 2 adults. I really do not want to get into something I will potentially regret as bad financial decision. I feel he can not respect my decision of not wanting a 5 bedroom house. When he stays at my place he tends to behave as if I am here to do the housework for him. He also speaks a lot about pensions, shows off his one which is nothing impressive. I constantly feel sense of envy from him as I am planning to retire abroad. it is almost as if he wants to control every aspect of my life. I have a car (premium brand) he criticises it and tries to influence me to buy a different car which I do not want. If I show him a car I want and ask his opinion he ignores me. 'do whatever you want'. He on the other hand complains he hasn't got a car even though can afford one. I think he prefers driving my car when needs to. It's all in little things that are less and less charming. Since spending more time at mine, we do not go out or sleep together. It's flat mates but it got to the stage where I do know how to approach subject as all is very pass-agressive and defensive. Anyone with similar experience?

Wow OP! I only need to read the first few sentences of your post and it already has red flags all over it and I’m not even the one dating him! You have only just started dating and he already wants to get a 5 bedroom house and get married?? He wants to retire early while you carry on working to pay the mortgage??

Please educate yourself on the signs or abuse (especially financial abuse). One of the first red flags of dating these people is that they want to skip the dating stage and rush straight into a relationship and talk about getting married, having kids, buying houses together etc. His sole purpose in your case is financial abuse. He wants to bleed you dry for every financial benefit you can offer him while he has you running around looking after him in your own home! He is a cock lodger!

Maybe not a cocklodger but extremely materialistic and probably sees you as the way to keep a very upmarket life beyond retirement . I'm not saying he doesn't like you or care for you but I'm sure these aspects add to your attraction - depends if that really bothers you- I certainly wouldn't marry in your position

He's not a good catch, he hasn't got a car and he wants to use yours!

He wants you to pay for his big 5 bed house he's getting.

I am absolutely mystified why you are with him, he sounds awful in every way and isn't even taking you out lots, wining and dining you.

you are a catch, you are younger, financially well-off, and many older men do not want children around in the relationship so I'm not sure why you are settling for this situation.

Absolutely do not marry either, probably ever, you have a lot to lose here, he would have a claim on your properties!

Why do you want to "approach" anything with him? He clearly does not bring much, if anything, to your life.

I can't, for the life of me, understand why you are pursuing this.

How long have you been seeing him? You say "recently started dating" but also say you're not sleeping together, so where is the relationship?

I definitely wouldn't marry or buy a property with this man. He's far too materialistic and interested in your finances/assets. Don't settle for him just because you don't want to be alone.

It depends what you want. If you just want another human living together, regardless if the dynamic is pleasant or more of a burden, stick around with him and work it out how to meet his expectations on you, but don't expect the other way round, as it sounds he wants to change your ways not to listen or care what you want.

If you want a life partner who you can trust and rely on in later life, the further you go on this path, the more regret you would feel. Too much time invested and too much emotion put in. Is it worth it?

Fast forward 10 years. You’ll only be mid 50s. Do you really want to be with a jealous grumpy man who is pushing 70? You’d be his support/nurse/cleaner and financial crutch and I bet he won’t want you moving abroad. If you were madly in love with him I’d be saying go for it, love conquers all blah blah blah. But you don’t sound remotely passionate about him.

You're only mid 40's, in your prime. No sex? What's that about?

She can see it.

That's why she's posted this.

But op seems to be afraid of being alone or of being alone while she tries to meet someone else, or something. She's set the bar low and seems to have a "someone/anyone is better than noone" attitude; no offence op.

And this.

Don't let scarcity mentality affect you.

this

He's looking for a solvent nurse with a purse who will feather his retirement.

Could he be any clearer.

You are very foolish to be entertaining him at all.

Dump.

Thank you for all your comments. I needed this. Some are harsh but I need to hear it (read it). I think I know it deep down what is going on here it is just difficult to admit it.
I will give you and example: I came back from work, got changed into my lounge wear, he doesnt like the fact I introduced lounge wear into his life. I am a bit on the immaculate spectrum and he hates I have everything immaculate at home. So I come home, get changed, ask if he wants a cup of tea, he says no thank you but offers he will make me one, I say its ok I am already putting the kettle on. I make the tea, I sit down on my sofa and he grabs a drink from the fridge and walks out to sit outside. So after a whole day (me at work) him doing some housework and his work stuff we sit in silence apart. This is the stone walling I believe where you punish the other person with silence and lack of engagement so they feel guilty it is their fault. This is an ongoing issue where he punishes me for not getting that mortgage with him. I will not take it (the mortgage) although he said he always gets what he wants.
This is also after a week he went on holiday with his friends. Bunch of old men and their sons camping. Normally a gentleman I would think would say - darling I wasn't here last weekend as I was away for a week, so how about a nice restaurant date for us this weekend? dress up and we have a delicious summer evening at fine dining. Nothing.
Since I said no to the mortgage he is totally ignoring me. Not sure if someone here said it or I read it in an article but often they keep people like me in their life as ultimately I make him look good in front of his friends and family. Status elevator. One day I will come back here and announce I am free.
I feel so down and so lonely. He relies on this and to break me.

Part of me thinks I should really revisit all this and instead of living this toxic existence perhaps look after my 80yo mother who actually has zest for life and make me laugh each day. Her company is far more healthy for me and uplifting.

What do you think?

I am sorry I go on about it but I feel very lonely and isolated.

Oh come on come out you've got such a lot going for yourself and you can't understand why he's so eager to be in a relationship with you? Quite honestly, it's the money. He can benefit from it now, in his mind, and his children, when you are dead. That's all there is to it.

You are an intelligent woman with a lot going for you. Why are you with this complete and utter loser?

Well? No one's going to do it for you. Stop living passively, act on your feelings and values and you will be happier. What is your first step? Maybe tell your mum or someone else you intend to break up. Say the words in real life. Make them real. Do that. Do something. And take care.

I think you are right, some intelligent female company, your mum, some friends, would be way better than this.

In the early stages of dating, you shouldn't have him living there, and he should be on his best behaviour, this is just awful.

Please please set yourself free from this situation, you have so much going for you, we can all see that on this thread, and the only mystery is why you are with a horrid man who is silent and punishes you for not doing what he wants financially. Please escape you are lovely, he is not.

So is he living in your house? While ignoring you? Tell him to leave and not come back.

I agree, the sooner this ends for you, the better.
As long as you’re with him, you’re denying yourself the happy healthy life you want and the chance to meet someone better suited x

Why are you settling for an older man? Just filter to your own age group.

^THIS ^

It sounds as though you think it’s this man or nothing? Why are you eights set so low? I don’t understand. You sound like a great catch. Throw this one back and get yourself out there again. You have lots of life left and lots more adventures to have.

*sights

I honestly can't see why you're spending your time with him. Why didn't you walk out when he was just ignoring you? You don't live together and you have your own home. Why not go there? I would walk out if I visited someone and they ignored me.

‘Just started dating’ ?? There’s no way on earth I would be allowing anyone to be talking about mixing finances. I would be out that door quicker than he could say 5 bedroom house. Talk about Desperate Dan. Utterly off putting.