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Original poster

dating over 40/50, is it all about looking after them - men and nothing else?

149 replies

pepsielliot · 17/06/2023 00:26

I am mid 40. Just started dating late 50 man. early stage but I think red flags all over. Just wonder what you think. I have properties abroad and rent here due to work arrangement. He has his own house. He talks a lot about getting a 5 bedroom house together. I said no many times but he is v persistent. I asked what for, it's apparently because he likes space and hates my place I rent and we should commit to something together to show each other commitment. he also wanted to get married and I said not as for me financially it be a bad decision. I have not got children, he has 2 adults. I really do not want to get into something I will potentially regret as bad financial decision. I feel he can not respect my decision of not wanting a 5 bedroom house. When he stays at my place he tends to behave as if I am here to do the housework for him. He also speaks a lot about pensions, shows off his one which is nothing impressive. I constantly feel sense of envy from him as I am planning to retire abroad. it is almost as if he wants to control every aspect of my life. I have a car (premium brand) he criticises it and tries to influence me to buy a different car which I do not want. If I show him a car I want and ask his opinion he ignores me. 'do whatever you want'. He on the other hand complains he hasn't got a car even though can afford one. I think he prefers driving my car when needs to. It's all in little things that are less and less charming. Since spending more time at mine, we do not go out or sleep together. It's flat mates but it got to the stage where I do know how to approach subject as all is very pass-agressive and defensive. Anyone with similar experience?

OP posts:
WhatFreshHell1 · 17/06/2023 07:15

He’s sounds horrendous. And controlling and jealous. Please get rid. Imagine being his carer!! Retiring abroad sounds lovely and he’s going to ruin it.

DumboLives · 17/06/2023 07:17

but not sure how I can boost his retirement...

age difference to start with. He will retire and expect you to keep working to pay for the 5 bedroom house whilst he avails himself to your properties abroad.

HolyFire · 17/06/2023 07:19

I think you posted about him before too? He is putting a lot of pressure on you. Do not marry him! Do not move in with him!

He is obsessed with your money and your assets and what they mean to him.

Plus he treats you badly and there is no sex.

You are allowed to end the relationship you know.

Original poster
pepsielliot · 17/06/2023 07:19

I wonder if there are women here with similar experience that could paint me a picture of potential outcomes of this ...
I do not want be alone but then the dating 'market' doesn't look promising out there tbh not for women like me.
I observe men with their own kids have a certain mind set towards childess women...

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 17/06/2023 07:19

Bin him. You’re his retirement plan. Also you’re mid 40’s in your prime and he’s pushing 60. Nope. As you get older a 15 year age gap really shows. You’ll be in carer before long instead of enjoying your own retirement abroad. Get rid

SoccerStars · 17/06/2023 07:21

You also said 'buy the house and he will want to retire early' - yes he already said it he want to retire asap. So I asked - so you retire and I will work for the mortgage? he told me nothing wrong with that as he has done his fair amount of work in life and he will be higher contributor to the house with deposit.

  • *This part of argument about him doing a fair amount of work is so poor and shows he takes you for a mug. Why should the work he done before he met you be taken into account? You weren’t the beneficiary of that. His children and ex presumably were the ones who benefitted from that.

I honestly feel a lot of men now are worse than “traditional” men because they not only expect women to do more in the home but ALSO expect them to be carrying men financially.

personally i feel if you don’t have kids it’s not wise to marry or buy a house with a man with adult kids unless he has a lot more assets/income than you and would pay for most of the deposit and mortgage.

He wants a bigger house so his kids can inherit it. Run!

Persse · 17/06/2023 07:25

OP, why haven’t you already ended things? This man is an idiot, obviously, but you sticking with it is when you can see what is driving the behaviour is more puzzling…

Limer · 17/06/2023 07:25

Definitely dump him, for all the reasons PPs have outlined.

Being single is normal. Don't make sacrifices or lower your standards to get a man. And in your position, I'd advise never get married.

SoccerStars · 17/06/2023 07:26

pepsielliot · 17/06/2023 07:19

I wonder if there are women here with similar experience that could paint me a picture of potential outcomes of this ...
I do not want be alone but then the dating 'market' doesn't look promising out there tbh not for women like me.
I observe men with their own kids have a certain mind set towards childess women...

I can’t say for sure but my theory is the patriarchy means some men view women solely as sex objects and mothers. If you have not provided children for a man (or any man at all) those men then still see it as your role to provide for children because you’re a woman .

Take a look at these boards and see how many men expect their partners to do the most looking after their step kids, even if they only see said kids on the weekend. His kids are adult so of course he isn’t expecting you to do their laundry etc but in this instance he is looking for you to financially support him/them in the long term.

loveacuddle1 · 17/06/2023 07:30

pepsielliot · 17/06/2023 07:19

I wonder if there are women here with similar experience that could paint me a picture of potential outcomes of this ...
I do not want be alone but then the dating 'market' doesn't look promising out there tbh not for women like me.
I observe men with their own kids have a certain mind set towards childess women...

Ahh but I wouldn’t put up with someone just because you’re worried there might not be many other eligible men. That’s not fair to either of you.

you are mid 40s? I’m on Bumble and see plenty of mid 40s men come up on my swipe list, plenty who also don’t have kids!

I agree with others, he doesn’t sound good!

guineacup · 17/06/2023 07:34

You post exudes no affection or passion for this man. You surely must have been with him for a while if you're even contemplating the things you're talking about. It sounds like you're weary of him. What's keeping you with him?

Mummy08m · 17/06/2023 07:35

If you're mid 40s and he's late 50s, he's so much older than you - a different life stage. Imagine how much more fun you'd have with a man your own age or slightly younger, say around 40. You sound glamorous and fun.

SoccerStars · 17/06/2023 07:42

guineacup · 17/06/2023 07:34

You post exudes no affection or passion for this man. You surely must have been with him for a while if you're even contemplating the things you're talking about. It sounds like you're weary of him. What's keeping you with him?

OP said they had just started dating in the early stages.

I agree it seems pretty grim though to be with a man you feel like this about, and I think it’s do with OP not wanting to be single and feeling like there aren’t many options.

The early stages are meant to be like the honeymoon period so if you’re getting such negativity from a man it doesn’t bode well for the future.

If I have ever have kids I’ll teach them that no option is better than a bad option in terms of relationships.

Anniegetyourgun · 17/06/2023 07:45

It's a big world and there are a lot of guys in it. Many are single through no fault of their own. Why stick with one whose life agenda, and expectations of a partner, are actively at odds with yours? There are bound to be men who just want companionship, as do you, who will think of you as a real live human being and respect you accordingly. Someone you can have fun with. This one sounds as though there isn't time for fun in between all the moaning and demanding. He wants what he wants and is trying to mould you to fit it. Ugh. You would have to give up too much for something you don't even want, just not to be alone? You're worth a whole lot more than that, and somewhere there is a man who will appreciate you, not your bank account.

sorrynotathome · 17/06/2023 07:46

Are you really that desperate to be in a relationship? What on earth are you seeing this man for?

TheHandbag · 17/06/2023 07:50

Dump him, it's in the early stages so too early for marriage and houses.

donquixotedelamancha · 17/06/2023 07:51

Rainbowqueeen · 17/06/2023 01:06

Just dump. And don’t write off dating. This is just one guy. But next time be more ruthless. Get rid as soon as you see the red flags.

This. He sounds awful.

SimonsCow · 17/06/2023 07:54

why are you wasting your energy and time even thinking this through? You’re not happy and you don’t trust him.. just break up

DumboLives · 17/06/2023 08:00

I had a pal who was like you. Older guy, but she was keen. Married, moved into her house, then retired. He then cheated on her when she was working and during the divorce declared he she had to keep him in the style he had grown accustomed and provide a monthly maintenance.

These men do exist, and yours OP is just being a bit thick and showing his hand already.

getfreddynow · 17/06/2023 08:00

You say you want reassurance and you don’t want to be alone. I get that
However, from your posts , overwhelmingly , most posters I’ve read advise you to end the relationship. I agree- with bells on.
Nothing will change.

will you follow almost everyone’s advice though? If you posted before prob.not.

Lightbulbspark · 17/06/2023 08:02

Don't stay with him. You are letting him drink too deeply from you. Spend your time with kinder people and recover from this parasitic individual.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 17/06/2023 08:08

I’m 51 and there’s no way I’d be interested in a late 50s man or older. My max age is mid 50s.

I’m also similar to you, nice house, fairly good job, nice car, and to a few older man I’ve dated I do think some have thought they’re onto a winner especially if they have children.

I’ve just seen you rent, you shouldn’t be helping him finance a larger house when you want to retire abroad and don’t need a large house and you’re not his cleaner pr nurse either. Some older men do think this way though, not all. I’ve got a friend who lives with her DP, moved into his house and is divorced with teen kids, she’s planning on buying a house and him coming with her. She has no DC. I think if you’re a woman without DC you do have to think cleverly as to people’s intentions.

In your case I’d LTB.

TreesandFish · 17/06/2023 08:12

He is seeing you as the solution to his lack of funds for an early retirement. Sorry but he's with you for your money, and if I were you, I'd be dumping him without delay.

For context, I'm 53 and I've been trying to find a suitable guy for the last 8 years. I've dated lots of men around my age, but I cannot stand men who earn substantially less than me or have a lot of children to support. I like travelling so I need a guy who can keep up with my interests and join me without worrying about childcare or finances. If he can't do that, I'm happier living (and travelling) on my own

greentrainx · 17/06/2023 08:13

pepsielliot · 17/06/2023 00:26

I am mid 40. Just started dating late 50 man. early stage but I think red flags all over. Just wonder what you think. I have properties abroad and rent here due to work arrangement. He has his own house. He talks a lot about getting a 5 bedroom house together. I said no many times but he is v persistent. I asked what for, it's apparently because he likes space and hates my place I rent and we should commit to something together to show each other commitment. he also wanted to get married and I said not as for me financially it be a bad decision. I have not got children, he has 2 adults. I really do not want to get into something I will potentially regret as bad financial decision. I feel he can not respect my decision of not wanting a 5 bedroom house. When he stays at my place he tends to behave as if I am here to do the housework for him. He also speaks a lot about pensions, shows off his one which is nothing impressive. I constantly feel sense of envy from him as I am planning to retire abroad. it is almost as if he wants to control every aspect of my life. I have a car (premium brand) he criticises it and tries to influence me to buy a different car which I do not want. If I show him a car I want and ask his opinion he ignores me. 'do whatever you want'. He on the other hand complains he hasn't got a car even though can afford one. I think he prefers driving my car when needs to. It's all in little things that are less and less charming. Since spending more time at mine, we do not go out or sleep together. It's flat mates but it got to the stage where I do know how to approach subject as all is very pass-agressive and defensive. Anyone with similar experience?

Not good vibes here.
He's trying to change your plans.
Keep your independence.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 17/06/2023 08:13

It is harder but not impossible to meet men in 40s/50s who don’t have DC or have a healthy relationship re them.

I’m currently seeing a single man aged 53 (doesn’t look it) who doesn’t have kids, has his own property and has a good career though partly on hold due to parents dying and him being executor of estates and he also did property investment as a career before this and planning on doing same when things are sorted out.