dating over 40/50, is it all about looking after them - men and nothing else?

[pepsielliot]

I am mid 40. Just started dating late 50 man. early stage but I think red flags all over. Just wonder what you think. I have properties abroad and rent here due to work arrangement. He has his own house. He talks a lot about getting a 5 bedroom house together. I said no many times but he is v persistent. I asked what for, it's apparently because he likes space and hates my place I rent and we should commit to something together to show each other commitment. he also wanted to get married and I said not as for me financially it be a bad decision. I have not got children, he has 2 adults. I really do not want to get into something I will potentially regret as bad financial decision. I feel he can not respect my decision of not wanting a 5 bedroom house. When he stays at my place he tends to behave as if I am here to do the housework for him. He also speaks a lot about pensions, shows off his one which is nothing impressive. I constantly feel sense of envy from him as I am planning to retire abroad. it is almost as if he wants to control every aspect of my life. I have a car (premium brand) he criticises it and tries to influence me to buy a different car which I do not want. If I show him a car I want and ask his opinion he ignores me. 'do whatever you want'. He on the other hand complains he hasn't got a car even though can afford one. I think he prefers driving my car when needs to. It's all in little things that are less and less charming. Since spending more time at mine, we do not go out or sleep together. It's flat mates but it got to the stage where I do know how to approach subject as all is very pass-agressive and defensive. Anyone with similar experience?

How long have you been together? You talk about dating him and it being "early days" but then in the last post it sounds like he's basically living at yours, got his feet under the table etc.
He wants a nurse with a purse as someone else said. He's just a cocklodger.
Why the fuck is he talking about marriage, getting a 5-bed house and giving his opinion on your investments etc at such an early stage?
For the love of God, get rid of him. You do not need this.

I really do not understand why women like you who have worked to establish their own financial security, who have their own home, their own social life, friends and hobbies, whatever - would want some bloke living in their home and putting their financial security and their mental stability at risk.
Go on dates, have a serious boyfriend, have fun with them, shag etcetc. but they have their own place and you have yours and they go back to their own place on a very regular basis. This avoids any risk of some cocklodger getting his feet under the table and putting all you have worked for at risk.
There is absolutely no need for any woman in your position to move some bloke in.

You sound like you need to date loads and build up your social life as much as you possibly can. Try new things, join new hobbies, fill every hour.

And of course, spend time with loved ones.

You should let feeling lonely make you prey for this avaristic, materialistic, manipulative user, dare I say predator.

There are men out there not like him. Get out and date and meet people. If it's not (vast majority) fun; don't bother with it and move on to the next.

You don't need to be with someone for financial reasons, big advantage.
You're presumably past wanting or trying to have kids so you don't need someone for that either. You don't need to tolerate shite like many women feel they need to. Address the loneliness and get yourself a better, more rounded source of company activities etc rather than relying on a partner to totally full a void so you won't get rid of them when they're shit.

FFS OP dump him already. It’s clear he’s terrible news. Why are you sullying yourself with this substandard and opportunistic man?

No, it wasn’t her. But I can confirm the OP from the previous thread has dumped the guy who wanted her to sell her house and do at his own convenience and walked happily into the sunset. 😁

… before realising that most men this age give more work than help!

Run OP, you owe him nothing, he will always pull you back, he is trying to control your actions and decisions rather than respecting that you are an individual who have achieved a lot WITHOUT a man dictating her what to do.

He sounds broke/stingy actually.

A grown 50 something single man with no car ... Unusual.

Camping trips ... The cheapest option.

Never treating you/you & him.

Far too interested in your money.

Pressuring you to co-buy with him (far too early) allowing him to live in presumably significantly superior accommodation to his current setup.

Are you in your early thirties? Many men are willing to make exceptions if the woman is young enough (like much younger than them).

And to top all that off he's actually huffing and giving you the silent treatment and sitting in separate spaces in the same place - cause you're not doing what he wants....... That would be seriously problematic behaviour even in a very long-term relationship, but you're supposed to be in the fkg honeymoon period.

Manipulative and nasty.

And you say you know he thinks you'll put up with it because you're vulnerable/lonely. That's horrible. It's predatory and bullying and exploitative. He is not trustworthy as a partner He's not decent partner material.

Also if your brain was mangled due to mind blowing sex and multiple orgasms because he's done kind of 50 sonething tantric sex guru who's an amazing shag, maybe we could understand this reluctance to get rid; but it's sound like he's useless in that department too (?)

I think that sometimes feel far more lonely with someone who doesn't suit us than on our own. Only we fail to realise because we are technically with other people. But you can be with someone wrong for you and then give in to their requests because of that fundamental need for connection.

As for your mum, I'm glad both of you have a good relationship. I think partners, if mismatched, demand far too much and take away one's freedom than family.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can help out your mum, and look for someone else.

This guy sounds like too much work and I dislike that x.X

Op, ending up a relationship is never ever easy, even if you are convinced he is not right for you. You will be feeling upset and lonely for a few weeks (part and parcel of breaking up) but eventually you will forget, heal your heart and enjoy the little things again.

Surround yourself with supportive people who make smile or even laugh at your problems, whether that is your mum, friends or the invisible people in mumsnet, it doesn’t matter. I’m sure you will be thanking your lucky stars for missing this bullet after a few months. Detaching yourself from the situation is always good to give you perspective, you think you will be lonely but you are lonely already, is he also torpedoing any plan you make to meet with other people? It wouldn’t surprise me if he is.

where he punishes me for not getting that mortgage with him. I will not take it (the mortgage) although he said he always gets what he wants.

This sounds rather sinister. OP. So you come home from a hard day at work, he ignores you and you say you have no sex?

WTF? Dump him and go hang out with your mum. She sounds a lot more fun than this miserable leech.

Think of it like this. The more time you waste on this - frankly - creepy man, the more time you are wasting meeting a fab guy.

I personally love solo time. I have enough friends and interests to keep me occupied so I love time alone to recharge my batteries.

@suburbophobe and others I bursted into tears reading it all tonight because all is valid and true. there is a temporary financial situ that prevents me from living on my own atm. I am trying to resolve this. Other than that you are all right. No sex, no dates, no plans nothing to look forward to literally nothing. Each Saturday evening he asks me what I want to do on Sunday and my point is I like relaxing Sundays, coffee, papers, chats, morning sex, breakfast, not on the clock getting out of the house into the woods in trekking gear. I'd like art, music, leisure, lunch. I often want to say I want to be on my own but I can't so we end up going for the same walk each Sunday, not talking much and me hiding tears behind my sunglasses.
It is the minor temporary situ that puts things on hold.
I am exhausted by all this. I feel like he tricked me. I was separated when we met and I think I was very vulnerable, I wasn't thinking straight, received a bit of attention and here we are. I like reading stories of women in similar situations so if you got links here please share. Thank you all again. x

Why are you with someone so much older Find someone your own age.

You're going to be alright OP, give it time. You're not silly. This is just a blip.

@pepsielliot

there is a temporary financial situ that prevents me from living on my own atm. I am trying to resolve this.

I hope you can resolve this very soon so that you can get away from this manipulative man. It doesn't soon as if he has your interests at heart and only cares about getting what is going to be to his advantage, even to the point of making you unhappy. Better to have him completely out of your life than treating you badly. 🌹

This. You don't sound as if you like him much, so why not get rid and look for someone else, who respects your decisions.

he said he always gets what he wants

I missed that.

It is indeed, sinister. At the very best, its indicative that he's a bully.

Though you already know he's a bully and manipulator.

(At worst the Helen Bailey case went through mind).

Sounds like he got you at a vulnerable time. And he thinks he's going to continue to manipulate & essentially bully you. I hope you can resolve your temporary financial situation asap and get away from this man.

No sex, no dates, no plans nothing to look forward to literally nothing. Each Saturday evening he asks me what I want to do on Sunday and my point is I like relaxing Sundays, coffee, papers, chats, morning sex, breakfast, not on the clock getting out of the house into the woods in trekking gear. I'd like art, music, leisure, lunch. I often want to say I want to be on my own but I can't so we end up going for the same walk each Sunday, not talking much and me hiding tears behind my sunglasses.

Aside from what a financial user/exploiter he sounds to be; you don't actually seem to have much in common at all. You've described how you'd enjoy spending your weekend, it's nothing like what he wants to do/enjoys. There are plenty of men who'd enjoy what you enjoy. I met a pleasant man on a train journey once who told me the biggest advantage for him in living near Birmingham was easy access to lots of theatres etc. Likewise coffee, breakfast in bed, chats, sex - would be plenty of men's ideal Sunday too.

And I know lots of women who wouldn't like the Trek's or the camping either.

You're being dragged on treks you don't enjoy because you "can't" say no ... Why? Why can't you have the least bit of say or assertiveness about what you want to do with your precious weekend?
Because he'll huff and make you very uncomfortable & unhappy (and you apparently can't get rid of him due to your temporary circumstances?). I don't know what they are but you desperately need to resolve them.

The fact that you feel you can't say no to him (and go on walks while crying behind sunglasses) is concerning. A very weird and unhealthy dynamic.

I don't have a similar experience, but he sounds so draining. Surely you are better off without this guy? Whose going to be cleaning that 5 bed house?

Helen Bailey she was that successful author / media professional wasn’t she? She was killed by her second husband who also killed his first wife. That was an awful story and certainly makes you realise that despite women being painted as gold diggers many men are too. And the thing is when men are like this they’re more likely to follow it through with killing since the money alone isn’t enough for them.

You are incompatible so end it, there's no way I could live with an elderly middle aged man like that. My 87 year old neighbour is more exciting than your cocklodger.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_Bailey

OP agree with pp not only you are not compatible it sounds as if this man doesn’t even like or respect you. He is low key hostile and bullying towards you and didn’t show affection and in this is meant to be the honeymoon period. This is potentially a dangerous situation to be in. I don’t want to get carried away but sometimes men like this do take what they want from a woman and then discard of the woman be it literally or figuratively.

have you always been this compliant/people pleasing ? I am younger than you but I just can’t imagine spending every Sunday doing only what my partner wants to do.

I know you don’t like being single and that’s fine it’s not for everyone, but do you really believe this is the best you can find?

I remember this horrific story. I didn’t know her personally but I was part of the Twitter writing community back then and we were all so shocked and saddened by this.

OP, and anyone else who needs to - please read this as a cautionary tale.