dating over 40/50, is it all about looking after them - men and nothing else?

[pepsielliot]

I am mid 40. Just started dating late 50 man. early stage but I think red flags all over. Just wonder what you think. I have properties abroad and rent here due to work arrangement. He has his own house. He talks a lot about getting a 5 bedroom house together. I said no many times but he is v persistent. I asked what for, it's apparently because he likes space and hates my place I rent and we should commit to something together to show each other commitment. he also wanted to get married and I said not as for me financially it be a bad decision. I have not got children, he has 2 adults. I really do not want to get into something I will potentially regret as bad financial decision. I feel he can not respect my decision of not wanting a 5 bedroom house. When he stays at my place he tends to behave as if I am here to do the housework for him. He also speaks a lot about pensions, shows off his one which is nothing impressive. I constantly feel sense of envy from him as I am planning to retire abroad. it is almost as if he wants to control every aspect of my life. I have a car (premium brand) he criticises it and tries to influence me to buy a different car which I do not want. If I show him a car I want and ask his opinion he ignores me. 'do whatever you want'. He on the other hand complains he hasn't got a car even though can afford one. I think he prefers driving my car when needs to. It's all in little things that are less and less charming. Since spending more time at mine, we do not go out or sleep together. It's flat mates but it got to the stage where I do know how to approach subject as all is very pass-agressive and defensive. Anyone with similar experience?

If I were to put up with a cocklodger he would need to be young, fit and a lot of fun. What are you getting from financially supporting a man who is sulky, boring, doesn't want to have sex and puts you down? It's like having the worst of both worlds. You have a life, no kids with this tosser, financially independent and have a good brain on your shoulders. Why are you putting up with this shyte?

It's obviously taking it to the absolute extreme to refer to that horrific case, but I do have massive reservations about a man who is so interested in op's finances/properties etc. (already expressing views on what she should be doing re them), trying to manipulate her into cobuying with him (so soon too) and a property clearly above his means as a single man, driving her car (while he had none of her own), spending (it sounds like) very little on pleasant outings/activities etc for them together, pushing for his way in terms of activities all the time (and op doesn't feel able to stand up for herself/assert herself in what they do), and apparently has little to no interest in sex with her. Red flag central. His motivations do not exactly sound romantic.

Maybe he had ED (?) but that's just another reason to find another partner.

Op you say you were separated/separating and sound vulnerable as a result when you got involved with him. You need to recognise that users and predators take advantage of vulnerability like that.

It also sounds like this temporary financial situation that means he has to live with you ( is he paying the bills or ..?) needs resolved urgently. Could noone else help you financially til it's resolved?

Your sort of being held hostage in your own home here, huffed with, put in Coventry, emotionally blackmailed and don't even feel you can say what you want to do win your free time.

*You're

I wonder if there are women here with similar experience that could paint me a picture of potential outcomes of this ...

Years of fucking misery and regret, what other outcome could there be? You're seriously considering staying with him because he's better than no one aren't you?

Exactly.

It seems like loneliness is a key factor op had identified.

That signifies a pressing need to develop hobbies, activities, socialising etc in any area she can. I know it's not exactly the same as a partner; but in this case the partner needs gotten rid of (and in time another partner, who's not so interested in your pocket book, isn't looking for you to co-provide a property for him quickly, has a car, actually wants to have sex (you're in your 40s FFS), and can do a variety of things that takes into account what you enjoy and how you'd like to spend your time as well as himself).

My aunt met and later married a builder in her 40s/50s. Divorced, ex wife was apparently unfaithful. He happens to love musical theatre and ballet lol. My aunt goes because he likes it, not the other way around. She likes love music and country music and goes with him, or more often her friends; which he is totally chilled with. He built their home, and an annexe for her son & dil. He was so good with my uncles (who lived beside them) and who suffer from a genetic disease causing disability that before they passe away, they went from being too introverted and anxious and unused to being in public/in crowds; to going out to country gigs, as long as he was with them.

There are all kinds of people in the world, you just need to give yourself lots of opportunities to meet them. This one sounds like a shit partner. Selfish, domineering user. No wonder his kids Mum got rid of him (and I bet she did, no matter what he says happened).

If you were a close friend I would risk losing the friendship because I could not stand by without saying what I really think.

Any woman that settled for this arrangement is either desperate, mentally unwell or thick or a combination and I would tell her that.

Why waste brain power on why he is like that, Just look at your own outcome.

Years of fucking misery and regret, what other outcome could there be?

He also sounds way too interested in finances; not to leave you less well off than you were when you met him, if or when he leaves. Or you can't take it anymore.

You don't even enjoy his activities or spending time with his acquaintances ("old men") - that's fair enough, they are a decade or more older than you. Your interests and things you enjoy sound totally different.... But the key point is that he's too selfish and donineeering and inconsiderate to facilitate a balance between what he enjoys and what you enjoy. You don't even have a voice.

Not so you even have a sex life/intimacy (?)

You can do better, give yourself the chance to.

*Nor

Any woman that settled for this arrangement is either desperate, mentally unwell or thick or a combination and I would tell her that.

<This>
For goodness sake run for the hills woman!

100% this and he's so obvious and transparent about it .... Throw this idiot back🎣

OP You asked for similar experience. I haven't had that, fortunately, but anyone looking at your situation from outside can see what is happening. You need to resume looking for a new partner who will meet you as an equal and treat you as the desirable woman you are.

I bet you didn’t feel so worried about loneliness when you met him. Neither should be worried now but that’s what happens with bad relationships, they really knock your confidence down to a point you believe this miserable life is just the best you can wish for. It is not, you can be back to be yourself if you want to, personally, I would be prepared to let go of a property in order to be able to leave before he convinces you that you can’t.

he literally sounds like a Wilkie Collins villain who plans to marry you and then put you into an asylum to take all your money. I would not stay a single extra day with this horrid wanker.

I was dating someone 7 years older than me. Biologically he was a lot older. He looked 15 years older. His diet and smoking habit was catching up with him, as was the stress of his job. He was wanting marriage, and to move in my house. He was aware of my assets and I felt I was paying too much during dates. He seemed jealous too and made spiteful comments about money cannot buy you happiness, while being happy to spend mine. He kept saying not everyone was in my position and I should not covet money. I should give it to beggars on the street and homeless charities. I don't agreed, and I am not materialistic at all. I told him the money was for my children and their future. I left him as there was no way I wanted to be saddled with him long term. He was moaning, miserable and greedy. I suggest you look in the mirror, repeat the words 'I am worth more' until it makes you ditch the loser. He will cause you so much pain and suffering in your life. Ask yourself if he would have any interest in you if you were bankrupt. You know that some men cannot stand women with good finance because they know it allow you the power and freedom to make decisions that are best for you, and decisions that are independent of any man. So do just that.

What a burden! Wouldn’t you like to meet someone same age as you who doesn’t want to take on debt for a too-big house? At your (my) age, you want to be meeting someone who is comfortable with enjoying life as it is, his kids are grown up and independent, and presumably you both have disposable income to do nice things together. But he sounds like a drain AND a bore.

You are feeling very lonely and isolated because of him. You are so focused on trying to make him happy with you there is nothing else in your life except work. Replace this miserable man with social events, visit your mother, and get back out there. Visit the museums, theatre etc, embrace life in your terms, not his.

So what do you need to do to get yourself into a position to dump this prick?

Sorry posted too soon, you sound like you can do far better. Maybe dump him and find a good counsellor to talk through how you can avoid this type of person going forward. This is not the man for you.

What is the financial position which means you are reliant on him or his income? Can you get a lodger? Or are you living with him? I feel there's got to be some explanation why you are in this awful situation and feel trapped, but I know whatever it is, you can get out and find another solution.

I think you know that you need to separate from him. I'm assuming that you haven't just started dating, but have been seeing him for a least a few months? Long enough to have a good idea that he's not for you.
The short term situation - are you relying on him financially at present? How long is that likely to last for? Can you give up your rental and stop with your Mum for a while, or rent somewhere smaller/cheaper, or get a lodger?

If you feel that you need him around for whatever reason for the short-term, have you a longer term plan for extricating yourself? Can you talk to anyone irl about this?

OP you sound desperately sad, lonely and isolated. Could you have a holiday with your Mum, to give you some space to think clearly. Perhaps discuss the situation with her, as you've said your close.

I agree with everyone here, there appear no positive aspects, for you, to this relationship continuing.

Run for the hills OP. This has got all the makings of a horrible trap that’s very difficult to get out of. Cut him out asap. Have you asked about his previous relationships and how they ended? If the women all happen to be “mad” and he’s not got a single nice thing to say about them, I think we all know what direction this is pointing in.

. Red flag central. His motivations do not exactly sound romantic.

Maybe he had ED (?) but that's just another reason to find another partner.

Op you say you were separated/separating and sound vulnerable as a result when you got involved with him. You need to recognise that users and predators take advantage of vulnerability like that.

yep, not romantically motivated whatsoever. He is making a grab for her resources in plain sight. I’d say he would treat her differently if he was in love but to be fair men like this often don’t like women at all and just see them as things to be drained and used.

He definitely views her as vulnerable because he isn’t even being subtle about his disrespect and eyeing up her properties etc. He must know his intentions are obvious but in his eyes Op, will put up with it because she thinks he needs him. Hope she proves
him wrong.

Helen Bailey was a very good example actually, it’s chilling to think her partner would have got away with killing his first wife if he hadn’t went on to kill her. There must be many men who evade justice and we are none the wiser as to how their ex really died.