dating over 40/50, is it all about looking after them - men and nothing else?

[pepsielliot]

I am mid 40. Just started dating late 50 man. early stage but I think red flags all over. Just wonder what you think. I have properties abroad and rent here due to work arrangement. He has his own house. He talks a lot about getting a 5 bedroom house together. I said no many times but he is v persistent. I asked what for, it's apparently because he likes space and hates my place I rent and we should commit to something together to show each other commitment. he also wanted to get married and I said not as for me financially it be a bad decision. I have not got children, he has 2 adults. I really do not want to get into something I will potentially regret as bad financial decision. I feel he can not respect my decision of not wanting a 5 bedroom house. When he stays at my place he tends to behave as if I am here to do the housework for him. He also speaks a lot about pensions, shows off his one which is nothing impressive. I constantly feel sense of envy from him as I am planning to retire abroad. it is almost as if he wants to control every aspect of my life. I have a car (premium brand) he criticises it and tries to influence me to buy a different car which I do not want. If I show him a car I want and ask his opinion he ignores me. 'do whatever you want'. He on the other hand complains he hasn't got a car even though can afford one. I think he prefers driving my car when needs to. It's all in little things that are less and less charming. Since spending more time at mine, we do not go out or sleep together. It's flat mates but it got to the stage where I do know how to approach subject as all is very pass-agressive and defensive. Anyone with similar experience?

You just started dating and you are already at the flatmates stage and he is trying to get you to buy a house with him? No no no.

I’m internally cringing at him for you. Why on Earth would you prefer being with him to being alone that is just bonkers logic, not only are you preventing yourself from finding someone you actually are compatible with you’re also getting muddled up with someone it doesn’t even sound like you enjoy their company at all.

but if not being alone is your deal and his is to bolster his financial position then maybe you can find a way to help each other out there. Miserable existence though

Wow. Run away as fast as you can.

In answer to the title question, no this it not how all middle- aged men behave. You have a real loser here, drop him and move on. Say you no longer feel like lovers, if you need a reason.

Date men your own age.

It’s not easy I’m sure but don’t lower your standards out of fear of being alone.

You've 'just started' seeing him? You know it's not normal for someone to suggest buying a place together at all his point? And the constant criticism/jealousy of your lifestyle? If it's early days, this is him on his best behaviour!

Why are you putting up with this? Why haven't you moved on? You haven't mentioned a single good quality he has. Being in a relationship (particularly this one!) isn't compulsory. Much, much better to work on your self esteem and be ok with being single than to put up with this shit!

Most probably men her own age are trying to shack up with women 10 years younger and have a shot at having their own family.

The dating market is tough but that is no excuse for ignoring a golf course sized number of red flags. Being single is way better than treading on eggshells with a passive aggressive grumpy old man. Date in your own age group or younger. It sounds like this man is looking for a retirement plan whether this is conscious or not.

Your options are to ignore the red flags and hope he will change into a lovely kind generous man the minute you marry. You could believe in unicorns and fairy tales if you like.

Alternatively you could take note of the red flags and run for the hills as so many other posters have suggested.

He’s after your money and sounds like a boring misery

Just get rid of him

I don’t meet a lot of single men in their 40s who want kids. They either already had them or don’t want them.

Not all men want children (or more children) and those who don’t are often keen to meet someone who is child-free … speaking as a long-time single parent.

You should not be seeing so many red flags so early on, it will only get worse from here.

What is so wrong with being single?

If you want to be in a relationship then find someone decent and don’t latch on to the first idiot you meet as you will regret it later on.

Many women from mid life on are happier living alone for this reason. Instead of being a man's support human. He does sound awful though OP, if it's only just started why are you not throwing this one back?

There's not one positive thing in your post, just why stay together?

Most middle aged men are not like this.

They just want a happy life with someone to share it with.

Not many middle aged people want to rush into moving in together.

He definitely just wants your money and it’s worrying that you can’t see that.

It depends where you're looking I suppose, many men 40+ I know would view it as a huge plus! They've either had children and they're growing up and out of the highly dependent stage or don't want any. Some narrow minded men can't comprehend that not all women want or can have children and so yes some are ignorant and view it a certain way; you wouldn't want to date someone I'm sure who was so closed minded anyway.

I would absolutely rather be alone than with someone who was trying to convince me to help set him up a little nest egg from my assets.

And yes to this!

I reckon it was all about merging finances and me lining pockets of his kids via their future inheritance - what do you think? open question to all really?

It sounds as if it is certainly in his subconscious, or at least a vague strategy. Just be really clear and tell him that a 5 bed property is out because you do not wish to merge your finances. Tell him that you expect to retire abroad and that you want to live in the moment in your relationship with no preconditions.

Run. He's vile and too old.
I wouldn't consider a guy in his late 50s and I'm 47 so older than you. And definitely not this one. He's awful.

I have a friend in a similar position. She’s a wealthy divorcee, he wined and dined and charmed her just enough to get his foot in the door and then - surprise, surprise - became the Cocklodger Extraordinaire.

This spectacularly useless, insecure, bullying man has managed to wheedle his way into a position where he lives with her for free, having his retirement bankrolled and blatantly milking her for money (whilst couching it as “we’ve decided”). He treats her poorly and may now need physical care, which she’s very much not up for, but when someone becomes ill it’s a bit late to try to break things off.

Apart from bringing a few more financial assets to the party, your one sounds very much cut from the same cloth. Don’t be bullied and coerced into his retirement plans. Don’t invest your money so he can rattle around in the house of his dreams doing ‘hobbies’ while you work to fund it all.

Sorry to be harsh, but what do you imagine you are to him other than a meal ticket and a safe bet? He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t want to fuck you, he’s envious of your money, critical of you as a person and takes advantage of your stuff. And once he’s through the door and has entwined his finances with yours, extracting yourself will be hellishly difficult. Why are you even considering it? Being alone is honestly not the worst option in this scenario.

He sounds awful. And money grabbing.

Please don’t ‘settle’. You deserve much much more.

You would have to be desperate for a man - any man - if you're willing to stay with him.
He's a gold digger.

Just get rid of him. Perhaps you've over shared OP still run!

I think you need to throw this one back into the sea. He is not your partner and not someone who is compatible with you. You sound like you have got a good life, why add this piece of nonsense into it? What he wants and what you want are two different things. He sound immature and jealous. You sound like you have your life sorted. Enjoy it, find someone who is not eyeing your money pot and someone whos adding to your life and not sucking the oxygen out of it

Just finish it. There are worse things than being alone and this guy sounds like a joyless leech.