DP and I have been together 8 years, 1 DS3 and another on the way. No ring on my finger, various excuses over the years ranging from “my parents never married, I don’t see the importance” to “I want to make it special” and “why would I marry you when you’re constantly having a go at me.”
DP was less than faithful in his previous relationship and was open with me about this on our first few dates, stating it was towards the end of an unhappy relationship that he should have ended.
When I was pregnant with DS, DP developed a habit of going out for a few drinks and happening to stay out until the early hours, often ignoring his phone. The worst occasion I locked him out and sent him to his parents when he tried coming in around 6 AM.
Months down the line, I found a small hand written note fallen from a cupboard, detailing how he had met this wonderful woman and he had “never felt a connection” like this before and never felt more understood. Admittedly there was nothing specifically romantic about this letter but it was enough to spark the fury and pain in me. After a bit of digging, it transpired he had been with said woman (and other friends) on the night he had stayed out and I locked him out. He was apologetic, adamant it was platonic however said that “if I wasn’t so horrible to him then he’d have spoken to me about his feelings and life, instead of that woman. She was there to listen to him and understood him.”
I asked around and was told by everyone that nothing happened between them and it was just platonic, and that this woman was just “one of those harmless women.” Nevertheless, it left a sour taste in my mouth, hurt me deeply and I’ve never fully recovered. To add insult to injury, he explained that he had written said “note” (or love letter as I call it) whilst on a painting trip and ASKED TO WRITE ABOUT SOMETHING MEANINFUL OF LATE. Forget his unborn son, of course!
This was years ago and I set boundaries then re various things that had irked me, like his occasional like of semi naked women on social media.
Fast toward to a couple months ago, I’m pregnant again, randomly scrolling social media and find that DP has liked a lingerie photo of a woman he knows, but doesn’t follow. They have mutual friends and he has met her, so it’s not some random model on the other side of the world, and he KNOWS I’m not ok with this because we’ve discussed it in the past when he has done it. We live in a digital age, and a like of a lingerie photo is more than just a like, if you know the person.
I’m furious, and I tell him he’s not welcome home that night and he should go to his parents. I’m hopeful he’ll show some remorse, but instead he goes out drinking with friends. When I speak to him on the phone and admittedly lay in to him, saying some things I regret, he hangs up the phone and stays out with his phone off until 7 AM, having said he can’t bare coming home to me and my “abusive verbal assault” leaving me pregnant and stressed with our 3 year old.
We talked things over the next day, but he turned it on to me and basically said that he feels like he has no life anymore, no hobbies, can’t go out for a drink with friends because he knows I’ll apparently be upset about it etc. I said I would play my part but still wasn’t happy about what he had done, as it wasn’t the first time and he has repeatedly disrespected my boundaries re other women and things like this. He doesn’t go out drinking often anymore, but when he does I rarely have an issue, I just don’t want him out until the early hours.
I didn’t actually believe he was remorseful but fast forward to last night and he is trying to gaslight the shit out of me, telling me I’m crazy and it’s “not a big deal” and even my best friend told him that it was a “bit much” which I’m also furious about, as I confided in her about this argument, not for her to go discussing it with him and sympathising.
At the end of the day, we share a child and I’m pregnant with another, I don’t think I’m unreasonable for being furious that my DP has yet AGAIN ignored my boundaries. It doesn’t matter what it is, if we have discussed it and he has promised not to do it, then does it, it’s not ok. He of course thinks I am the unreasonable one, and as mentioned has turned this all on to me and wants ME to change. I’m a SAHM for a year now, a joint decision because I hated my job and DP wanted to go back to his business full time. We moved out of the city and I fucking hate it here too, it makes me miserable but he’s had a go at me for saying that because it’s “negative.” My mental health is in tatters renting here, but I’m wrong for not “making the most of it.”
I feel like I am completely alone now, I know pregnancy hormones are raging but my family live abroad, I feel betrayed by DP and now my best friend, and I just want to run away. My family aren’t even that supportive generally and I didn’t have a great upbringing, which doesn’t help my loneliness now.
In his mind I’m just a raging lunatic with potentially undiagnosed BPD. Thanks to ME telling him this, it’s not a weapon he can use, but he has done many shady things that have led us here.
Another example is when he was in London working for the day, then text me around 7pm saying he was finishing a drink at the pub then getting the train. Fast forward to 9pm, he says he’s running for the train. His phone goes off, and I don’t hear anything until 6 AM when he’s knocking at our front door. The train journey is 1 hour. He “missed the last train and slept in a park.” Yeah, pull the other one. I’m expected to believe this, and I let it go.. eventually. Would you have?
Still, when I think about a break up my heart breaks for our son and the new baby. I don’t know what to do. Counselling?