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Original poster

Stand off with DH over bathing making me so anxious

451 replies

tomcat73 · 11/06/2023 09:42

LTR, both in 50's. This has been going on for some time (I would say this stand off is a year or 2 but making me more and more stressed).

It will sound so minor and ridiculous but it is creating such stress and anxiety for me.

My DH likes to have a bath, not a shower. He likes the "soak" and feels like he doesn't get clean properly in a shower (he has job where he can get quite dirty), and also he likes to wet shave in the bath (hates doing it just at a mirror with a sink).

He also has a thing about saving water. So this means that he wants me to have a bath first and then he can get in afterwards.

So as not to drip feed - i guess we have done this a lot for our relationship - early days we had properties that didn't have a shower, and then with small children we would jump in the water after them for convenience. (and he says why do we have to change?)

However I find having a bath time consuming, I often want to shower in the morning not bathe at night, or want to shower when I feel dirty/sweaty (my job can be quite physical). I also think my hair washed much better in shower than rinsing with a jug in the bath.

He has a habit of saying "can we bathe tonight" and gets really arsy if I say I don't want one as I have already showered or like last night it was so hot yesterday I showered not bathed. He was sulking and angry all evening (made it about something else but I know it was about this). He has asked again this morning "can we bathe tonight". I have said it is too hot, and he just goes on about how I can have a cold bath (it's apparently no different to me getting in a lake when i swim???), and that he wants to shave.

We end up in this argument of why can't I just have a bath, it saves water if the two of us share a bath (I actually disagree on this as the 2nd person always puts more water in so I think a one person bath and one person shower would be the same - i have quick showers and we don't have a crazy power shower).

He has even in the past then refused to have a bath himself and had a strip wash instead (making a point that he hates showers).

There is total major guilt trip and such anger from him - i know this is totally weird and out of proportion and I can't live my having this much anxiety over a fucking bath, but equally I can't deal with the fall out when I stand up to him.
He thinks I am being totally unreasonable.

I am going away for work for a few weeks tomorrow, and seriously thinking of sending an email about this to him when I am away so I can clearly lay down boundaries whilst having some space away.

Not sure how else to deal with this in an assertive way without ending up in a major row :(

OP posts:

Thread gallery

WaterIris · 11/06/2023 10:57

tomcat73 · 11/06/2023 10:27

This is 100% not a sexual thing. It is in my opinion partly about the water usage - but also about him not liking change and not respecting my opinion on this - he thinks I am just being difficult! We have had the argument endless times, but he wears me down in the end (and I don't mind the occasional bath, so this then starts the cycle again).

Stop fucking bullying me about having baths. I don't like them and I am fed up of you going on about it. If you want a bath then have one, but your constant badgering that I have to have one too, is creepy and annoying. I am not going to discuss this with you again.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/06/2023 10:57

EyelessArseFace · 11/06/2023 10:28

Put the plug in. Have a shower. Leave the water in the bath. Job done.

Yup, was gonna suggest this. But then you're still giving in, in essence. You're still pandering to him weird control. ..

So just no.

Just stop taking his shit.

Or have one in the bath.

What wil happen if you say no? Are you worried he'll turn violent? Di you feel safe if you deft him?

Notellinganyone · 11/06/2023 10:57

This is nuts. I love a bath and have one most evenings. My DH generally prefers a shower. Sometimes we’ll use each other’s water if timings work but there’s no way I’d give up my bath.

Reallybadidea · 11/06/2023 10:59

You can't possibly know for certain that it isn't sexual. I doubt it's the sort of thing most people would admit to. Either way, I doubt it's the only area in which he's difficult and controlling.

INeedAnotherName · 11/06/2023 10:59

someone who is controlling, dictatorial, sulky and says they 'don't want to look at your fucking face' when you haven't done what they told you to do.

OMG OP, are you the woman who got this when you didn't eat with him the day before a holiday?? That changes my answer to - you are in a domestic abuse situation and you need to leave. Contact Womens aid as soon as you can before he breaks you.

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 11/06/2023 11:00

OP is the shower over the bath?
If so, have your shower with the plug in and he can top it up when he wants his bath, or use the "waste water" to flush the loo if he's that bothered.
My DH also prefers a bath to a shower.
I can't remember the last time I took a bath - it doesn't work with long hair.
We do our own thing.
Your DH is being both a PITA and a skinflint - he is the one costing more money in both water and heating the water as a bath takes way more of both than a quick shower. Stick to your guns.🚿

skyeisthelimit · 11/06/2023 11:00

He is being weird and controlling.

YOU do what YOU want and he does what he wants. If any man ordered me to have a bath and sulked if I didn't, he would be out the door pretty damn quick.

Why is he still bashing on about it 2 years later? You need to shut him down every single time.

"not again, as I have already told you, I will be having a shower when I want to"

and then walk away from him. Let him sulk.

After your previous thread about not coming home in time, it is clear that he sulks when he doesn't get his own way and when you don't do what he wants.

My mother has been married to a man like that for 50 years, most of them unhappy. Don't be her.

inloveandmarried · 11/06/2023 11:00

We are like this. I have the bath second as it's a boil wash for him.

I hate showers though and my husband shaves at the sink. So slightly different.

We share a bath but he showers the following morning anyway.

Just bath if you want to but shower anyway.

Maybe put your hair up and enjoy the bath without washing. I read in the bath.

Then shower in the morning to wash your hair. If he complains say you really need the shower to wash your hair. He can't argue with that and you are still sharing a lovely first dip in the bath.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/06/2023 11:01

Ah, now I see why he was arsey on the other thread when you were half an hour late back for your “nice evening together”. It’s because it included an “early bath”.

Bath bonkernes aside (and yes, it’s a kink for sure!) he sounds nasty op. An angry, controlling, nasty man.

itsmylife7 · 11/06/2023 11:01

This is one of the strangest things I've ever read !

If it is really about saving water that's still weird him forcing you to bath.

It really does sound like some type of 'fetish' OP.

His reaction to you saying no is very over the top !

OneLittleFinger · 11/06/2023 11:01

If your shower is over your bath surely the solution is for you to put the plug in when you shower then he adds more water for his bath? But him trying to insist you have a bath is not on.

Hannahsbananas · 11/06/2023 11:01

inloveandmarried · 11/06/2023 11:00

We are like this. I have the bath second as it's a boil wash for him.

I hate showers though and my husband shaves at the sink. So slightly different.

We share a bath but he showers the following morning anyway.

Just bath if you want to but shower anyway.

Maybe put your hair up and enjoy the bath without washing. I read in the bath.

Then shower in the morning to wash your hair. If he complains say you really need the shower to wash your hair. He can't argue with that and you are still sharing a lovely first dip in the bath.

Why pander to him like that, though?

MrsAnon6 · 11/06/2023 11:02

He forgets that when you have a bath you're essentially bathing in your own dirt and if you share it with someone else you're bathing in their dirt also which to me is just disgusting.

Cubsandmiel · 11/06/2023 11:02

I read your other thread too.

He is a controlling abusive fucking horror of a man. This is all papercuts to piss you off. Significant that it’s on the back of your going on hols without him. How dare you…

OP you know fine well how this story ends.

Eddielizzard · 11/06/2023 11:03

This is about control. I'll bet that this isn't the only thing he's weird about.

I would use these few weeks away to think about whether you really want to live like this.

If it's not the baths, I won't be surprised if it's something else. IMO he needs to feel he can make you do what he wants.

viques · 11/06/2023 11:03

Tell him he can run a shallow bath if he want to save water.

DazeOff · 11/06/2023 11:04

Tootootoot · 11/06/2023 09:53

Do you think this could be a sexual thing - like his kink is sharing bathwater? It sounds like he could be using the "saving water" thing as an excuse. If so he needs to be honest so you can have a real conversation about it. Otherwise he's using you sexually without your consent.

This is what I was thinking. It's all about getting in the OP bath water afterwards. I think it's a bit creepy.

Clymene · 11/06/2023 11:05

BitOutOfPractice · 11/06/2023 11:01

Ah, now I see why he was arsey on the other thread when you were half an hour late back for your “nice evening together”. It’s because it included an “early bath”.

Bath bonkernes aside (and yes, it’s a kink for sure!) he sounds nasty op. An angry, controlling, nasty man.

OH. He's that guy.

He's horrible and controlling and abusive OP. He gets a kick out of making you anxious. And yes I do think there is something sexual about it, sorry.

brawhen · 11/06/2023 11:05

Run the (lukewarm) bath, tell him you're done in the bathroom, he can jump in?

Shower with plug in (if it is over bath)?

But yes this is a stupid argument from him, the above suggestioms are just workarounds.

How will he bathe while you are away?

Babysharkdoodoodood · 11/06/2023 11:05

romdowa · 11/06/2023 10:00

This would enrage me so much that I'd have the bath ripped out while he was at work. I hate baths anyway , sitting around in my own dirt 🤮🤮

OP will probably come back from her work trip to find shower gone.

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 11/06/2023 11:08

I think that I would have killed him by now tbh.

Newyearnewmeow · 11/06/2023 11:08

Honestly, he sounds like a right nutter.
There’s definitely something more behind this than just saving water.

WaterIris · 11/06/2023 11:08

OP I have just seen that he is the same bloke who kicked off royally because you were going away on holiday with your parents. He didn't want to go, and by the sounds of it was pissed off that you didn't instantly offer to cancel and stay at home with him.

He's a nasty man. You have previously said he has form for strops when he doesn't get his own way. He regularly talks down to you. You feel on edge and anxious (notably when you were away on holiday you said you couldn't remember the last time you'd felt so relaxed).

This isn't about bathing - it's about control. You need to leave him.

Newyearnewmeow · 11/06/2023 11:09

Oh, it’s the nasty abusive bloke.
You need to leave him for your own sanity OP.

Reallybadidea · 11/06/2023 11:09

If it's not sexual, what would happen if you said you'd get in the bath after him?

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