Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stand off with DH over bathing making me so anxious

451 replies

tomcat73 · 11/06/2023 09:42

LTR, both in 50's. This has been going on for some time (I would say this stand off is a year or 2 but making me more and more stressed).

It will sound so minor and ridiculous but it is creating such stress and anxiety for me.

My DH likes to have a bath, not a shower. He likes the "soak" and feels like he doesn't get clean properly in a shower (he has job where he can get quite dirty), and also he likes to wet shave in the bath (hates doing it just at a mirror with a sink).

He also has a thing about saving water. So this means that he wants me to have a bath first and then he can get in afterwards.

So as not to drip feed - i guess we have done this a lot for our relationship - early days we had properties that didn't have a shower, and then with small children we would jump in the water after them for convenience. (and he says why do we have to change?)

However I find having a bath time consuming, I often want to shower in the morning not bathe at night, or want to shower when I feel dirty/sweaty (my job can be quite physical). I also think my hair washed much better in shower than rinsing with a jug in the bath.

He has a habit of saying "can we bathe tonight" and gets really arsy if I say I don't want one as I have already showered or like last night it was so hot yesterday I showered not bathed. He was sulking and angry all evening (made it about something else but I know it was about this). He has asked again this morning "can we bathe tonight". I have said it is too hot, and he just goes on about how I can have a cold bath (it's apparently no different to me getting in a lake when i swim???), and that he wants to shave.

We end up in this argument of why can't I just have a bath, it saves water if the two of us share a bath (I actually disagree on this as the 2nd person always puts more water in so I think a one person bath and one person shower would be the same - i have quick showers and we don't have a crazy power shower).

He has even in the past then refused to have a bath himself and had a strip wash instead (making a point that he hates showers).

There is total major guilt trip and such anger from him - i know this is totally weird and out of proportion and I can't live my having this much anxiety over a fucking bath, but equally I can't deal with the fall out when I stand up to him.
He thinks I am being totally unreasonable.

I am going away for work for a few weeks tomorrow, and seriously thinking of sending an email about this to him when I am away so I can clearly lay down boundaries whilst having some space away.

Not sure how else to deal with this in an assertive way without ending up in a major row :(

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Anaemiafog · 11/06/2023 11:10

NRTT...put the plug in when you shower...

CoraPirbright · 11/06/2023 11:10

Why does his desire for a bath trump your desire for a shower? He is a nasty, sulking control freak and if I were you, I would have a long think about your future with him.

InSpainTheRain · 11/06/2023 11:11

If this is true then its all a bit crazy and there is more to unpack in your relationship than the shower/bath stand off.

However just dealing with that: do you shower in the bath? If so put the plug in have a shower, leave the water for DH. Bit grim but fulfills the brief. If shower isn't in the bath then run a bath, go and have your shower, tell him his bath is ready. Or have bath when you want... he can have the water 4 hour's later when it's stone cold and heat it up with a kettle of boiling water.

What I'd do: probably tell him is an arse and ill get clean when and how I want and he can fuck off. Please please assess your relationship and think about this seriously - a standoff over a bath which lasts longer then 5 mins let alone a year is beyond ridiculous on his part.

flimsywhimsy · 11/06/2023 11:12

I'd try the email. Explain that as much as he hates the feeling of "wasting" water, it's nothing compared to feeling so controlled and micromanaged in your relationship that you can't even shower when you choose without being made to suffer for it.

This stops now. Tell him that people change, so how you did things in the past is irrelevant. Now you prefer to shower. That's nothing to do with him and his ability to bathe as he chooses. If he starts behaving poorly after you've showered, call him on it. Don't back down!

MetalFences · 11/06/2023 11:12

But she doesn't want a bath @inloveandmarried . She doesn't want to put her hair up and read. She wants a shower.

You say you hate showers so you have a bath. The OP doesn't want baths but you think she should have them because a man wants her to have them. Why don't you put your hair up and have a shower? Confused

Diorinthecountry · 11/06/2023 11:12

When I read your first post op my skin crawled my immediate thoughts were.

1 you are in a controlling and abusive relationship.

2 he's getting his kicks by controlling you to have a bath so he can use your dirty water. It's definitely sexual for him.

Please contact womans aid for advice.

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 11/06/2023 11:14

This sounds very controlling. Is he controlling in other ways?

I tend to have a bath daily and my DH does whatever he wants.

water wasted or not, there are some things that adults need independence over

SophieStew · 11/06/2023 11:15

Oh gosh! I should have done AS.

This man is horribly abusive. You need to leave.

annahilly · 11/06/2023 11:15

Put your foot down and say you're not doing this anymore. It sounds strange almost.

lifestylevlog · 11/06/2023 11:15

Is he being mean about money or is it something else?

Is he mean about other things too?

Serena73 · 11/06/2023 11:16

It is absolutely ridiculous as you know. Either tell him that or if you can't be bothered with his weird attitude, run the bath and pretend you've had the quickest bath ever! And carry on having showers obviously.

Baths use far more water than showers and so it's not logical anyway.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 11/06/2023 11:16

He is being ridiculous.

I would show him this thread otherwise he will never think that he is in the wrong.

annahilly · 11/06/2023 11:17

SophieStew · 11/06/2023 11:15

Oh gosh! I should have done AS.

This man is horribly abusive. You need to leave.

Doesn't surprise me there's more. Strange attitude from the husband.

Blueberrylemoncake · 11/06/2023 11:17

Just do what you want and have a shower/not bath. He will have to sulk or get over it. He sounds like a child....

Naunet · 11/06/2023 11:19

So he’s concerned about water, not enough to have a shower himself, but just enough to try and dictate how you wash? How convenient for him 🙄

Blueberrylemoncake · 11/06/2023 11:20

And does he save water in other ways, like when boiling the kettle, washing up, watering plants etc. Or is it literally just baths where he wants to save water. That should tell you if it is a genuine reason or not. But if someone really wants to save water they wouldn't be having a bath in the first place!

Cosycover · 11/06/2023 11:22

Your other thread - was there a bath planned that night and that's why he was angry you went out?

I honestly think this is sexual.

flimsywhimsy · 11/06/2023 11:23

After seeing references to previous threads, I'd also wonder about your future with this man. The creepy, controlling bath thing was bad enough, but if he's making you anxious in other ways, maybe you should step back and try to take a more objective look at your life. Does he do more harm than good?

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/06/2023 11:23

Newname2323 · 11/06/2023 10:28

Can we bathe tonight would honestly send me right to the divorce office🤢

I know right!
does it not give you major ick OP?? @tomcat73

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 11/06/2023 11:23

Is he always this tight?

Busybutbored · 11/06/2023 11:24

Do you rinse with clean water before or afterwards because sharing bathwater seems really quite disgusting, there's really no need it's no longer the 1800s

JonahAndTheSnail · 11/06/2023 11:24

That's very odd of him. Do you have a shower over the bath? I'd be tempted to shower but leave the plug in, then just fill up the rest of the bath with tapwater once you're finished. You shouldn't have to though. If you have a garden you could get him to use the grey water on that as it's looking like hot, dry weather in the UK for the next few days https://www.instructables.com/Water-your-garden-from-your-bathtub/

Water Your Garden From Your Bathtub

Water Your Garden From Your Bathtub: In the summer I hate watching the bathwater from my kid's bath go down the drain when I've got a garden to water.  Rather than bucket brigade the water out, I found an ingenious way to siphon the water out with...

https://www.instructables.com/Water-your-garden-from-your-bathtub

donthaveaname · 11/06/2023 11:26

Is your shower in the bathtub?I

if it is then could you maybe put the stopper in whenever you have your shower and then hubby can add whatever hot water he needs when he wants to fill the bath?

best of both worlds

plus he might realise how little water you’re using for your shower and how MUCH MORE he needs for a bath!

Cubsandmiel · 11/06/2023 11:27

Eurghhhh it’s a Thing.

Mysophylia.

Op you need to pull the plug on him.

Mirabai · 11/06/2023 11:28

Just say no and ignore the ranting. If it doesn’t stop, and this is the general tenor of the relationship then gtho.

Swipe left for the next trending thread