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Original poster

Stand off with DH over bathing making me so anxious

451 replies

tomcat73 · 11/06/2023 09:42

LTR, both in 50's. This has been going on for some time (I would say this stand off is a year or 2 but making me more and more stressed).

It will sound so minor and ridiculous but it is creating such stress and anxiety for me.

My DH likes to have a bath, not a shower. He likes the "soak" and feels like he doesn't get clean properly in a shower (he has job where he can get quite dirty), and also he likes to wet shave in the bath (hates doing it just at a mirror with a sink).

He also has a thing about saving water. So this means that he wants me to have a bath first and then he can get in afterwards.

So as not to drip feed - i guess we have done this a lot for our relationship - early days we had properties that didn't have a shower, and then with small children we would jump in the water after them for convenience. (and he says why do we have to change?)

However I find having a bath time consuming, I often want to shower in the morning not bathe at night, or want to shower when I feel dirty/sweaty (my job can be quite physical). I also think my hair washed much better in shower than rinsing with a jug in the bath.

He has a habit of saying "can we bathe tonight" and gets really arsy if I say I don't want one as I have already showered or like last night it was so hot yesterday I showered not bathed. He was sulking and angry all evening (made it about something else but I know it was about this). He has asked again this morning "can we bathe tonight". I have said it is too hot, and he just goes on about how I can have a cold bath (it's apparently no different to me getting in a lake when i swim???), and that he wants to shave.

We end up in this argument of why can't I just have a bath, it saves water if the two of us share a bath (I actually disagree on this as the 2nd person always puts more water in so I think a one person bath and one person shower would be the same - i have quick showers and we don't have a crazy power shower).

He has even in the past then refused to have a bath himself and had a strip wash instead (making a point that he hates showers).

There is total major guilt trip and such anger from him - i know this is totally weird and out of proportion and I can't live my having this much anxiety over a fucking bath, but equally I can't deal with the fall out when I stand up to him.
He thinks I am being totally unreasonable.

I am going away for work for a few weeks tomorrow, and seriously thinking of sending an email about this to him when I am away so I can clearly lay down boundaries whilst having some space away.

Not sure how else to deal with this in an assertive way without ending up in a major row :(

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
KiwiMum2023 · 13/06/2023 08:37

I would not be facilitating any of this nonsense or humouring him like putting a bucket into the shower. He’s a grown man and can sort himself out. And you are a grown woman and should have the freedom to decide how and when you wash. To me this is abuse and you deserve so much more. Wishing you strength.

Lissadell · 13/06/2023 08:38

Magnoliainbloom · 13/06/2023 08:19

17 pages in and OP never came back after 1 reply…..

Well, I suppose always educational to discover a new niche fetish…

GalileoHumpkins · 13/06/2023 10:49

Magnoliainbloom · 13/06/2023 08:19

17 pages in and OP never came back after 1 reply…..

Maybe she's busy showering with the plug in...

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 13/06/2023 12:19

Magnoliainbloom · 13/06/2023 08:19

17 pages in and OP never came back after 1 reply…..

I was thinking this too

BodyMorphi · 13/06/2023 12:42

@Magnoliainbloom @GeorgeMichaelsCat
17 pages in and OP never came back after 1 reply…..
I was thinking this too

Well to be fair to @tomcat73 she came here asking about something she said
It will sound so minor and ridiculous but it is creating such stress and anxiety for me.

& got pages of people saying he was controlling, abusive, and most likely a sexual fetishist and she needed to stand up for herself.

It was probably a bit of a shock if you think you have a minor issue.

wayyour · 13/06/2023 13:01

I don't think she'll be surprised. As a pp ,who advanced searched, said it sounds like there were other problems with her husband. She was advised to leave him then.

Other thread about him

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4815115-im-shaking-with-anger-but-husband-thinks-i-am-in-the-wrong?page=1

Original poster
tomcat73 · 13/06/2023 16:19

I haven't been back as i have been travelling the last two days and snowed under with work.
As i said before, this is absolutly not a fetish.
My shower is separate to my bath, but even if it wasnt i would not consider the suggestion of putting the plug on fot the shower water.

I dont have a water intensive power shower, or take long showers. I simply want to have a shower several times a week when i want to without bejng guilt tripped or dealing with sulking or angry retorts.

I am pondering what action to take, as this cant continue. And yes it is indicative of other issues that seem trival when taken in isolation but i know are not when i step back and look at them all.

OP posts:
BishopRock · 13/06/2023 16:35

I simply want to have a shower several times a week when i want to without bejng guilt tripped or dealing with sulking or angry retorts.

I am pondering what action to take

@tomcat73

You just have a shower several times a week and ignore his whining.

Eventually he'll get bored with his strip wash martyrdom.

SquirrelSoShiny · 13/06/2023 16:55

I feel bad laughing at this but 'Can we bathe tonight?' is my new ultimate creepy slogan which pretty much encapsulates all the creepy in the world 🤢🤮

Blueink · 13/06/2023 17:45

Hi OP

PP harping on about putting the plug in or fetish are missing the point that regardless of his reasons, you don’t want to comply with his requests, nor should you have to.

You have the right to take a shower and not be subjected to manipulation, controlling behaviour dictating when and how you wash and being co-erced into having baths you don’t want, when you don’t want them.

It’s not trivial, even in isolation and it’s causing anxiety for you which is totally unfair.

Thehippowife · 13/06/2023 17:48

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 11/06/2023 09:47

"can we bathe tonight"

Ick

I was just gonna say this.

Lagershandy · 13/06/2023 17:51

Give him a few more years, and he will be physically unable to get in or out of a bath.

hopeishere · 13/06/2023 17:54

Just ignore it. Do your own thing. Ignore the moaning and let him get on with it.

aloris · 13/06/2023 17:54

Red flags here are:

  1. Him trying to exert control of how you take care of your body.
  2. You being unable to solve a minor problem because he refuses to respect that this is not his issue to control.
  3. You having major anxiety over the inability to solve the problem and the root cause of that anxiety is that you are not able to exert control over your own personal body.
SauceForTheGoose · 13/06/2023 18:05

"DH I really need you to understand that I don't want to share a bath with you ever again. It isn't normal, no one else does it. I want an open washing relationship where we are both free to wash when and however we like. I also never want to talk about this again because it we do my vagina will clamp shut to you forever."

happinessischocolate · 13/06/2023 18:24

tomcat73 · 13/06/2023 16:19

I haven't been back as i have been travelling the last two days and snowed under with work.
As i said before, this is absolutly not a fetish.
My shower is separate to my bath, but even if it wasnt i would not consider the suggestion of putting the plug on fot the shower water.

I dont have a water intensive power shower, or take long showers. I simply want to have a shower several times a week when i want to without bejng guilt tripped or dealing with sulking or angry retorts.

I am pondering what action to take, as this cant continue. And yes it is indicative of other issues that seem trival when taken in isolation but i know are not when i step back and look at them all.

Refuse. And then when you think he needs a bath cos he's getting stinky, run the bath, let him think you're getting in if necessary, and then when it's full tell him to go get in as you've already showered.

He'll have to in order not to waste the water. If necessary, go out to the shop or somewhere, and leave him to it.

Or you could just LTB

ScientificallyProcessed · 14/06/2023 20:16

I am pondering what action to take

Still pondering?

Boomshock · 14/06/2023 20:45

There is total major guilt trip and such anger from him - i know this is totally weird and out of proportion and I can't live my having this much anxiety over a fucking bath, but equally I can't deal with the fall out when I stand up to him.
He thinks I am being totally unreasonable.

I am going away for work for a few weeks tomorrow, and seriously thinking of sending an email about this to him when I am away so I can clearly lay down boundaries whilst having some space away.

Not sure how else to deal with this in an assertive way without ending up in a major row :(

It's unlikely you will be able to deal with it in an assertive way without a backlash but you still have to be assertive.

Tell him you will NOT be bullied or emotionally abused into taking baths you don't want and he has to get over it, you won't be compromising and it's not up for discussion anymore.

Mirabai · 14/06/2023 21:52

tomcat73 · 13/06/2023 16:19

I haven't been back as i have been travelling the last two days and snowed under with work.
As i said before, this is absolutly not a fetish.
My shower is separate to my bath, but even if it wasnt i would not consider the suggestion of putting the plug on fot the shower water.

I dont have a water intensive power shower, or take long showers. I simply want to have a shower several times a week when i want to without bejng guilt tripped or dealing with sulking or angry retorts.

I am pondering what action to take, as this cant continue. And yes it is indicative of other issues that seem trival when taken in isolation but i know are not when i step back and look at them all.

If you step back and look at them, what % of your relationship is taken up with this and other ‘issues’ lumped together?

Hehx3 · 15/06/2023 06:48

Hi Op just thinking, and again its not an excuse to treat you this way, is he neurodiverse?
He just sounds like my autistic child when he get himself into a rut about sthg he cant think logically and its a routine for him he struggles to change.
Now all of that doesn't matter as clearly you are suffering and this behaviour needs to stop. Just thought maybe it will be easier for you to process it as I think you are looking where is the logic in his behaviour but there simply isnt?
Think about you and your life first, dont suffer through Flowers

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 15/06/2023 23:09

tomcat73 · 13/06/2023 16:19

I haven't been back as i have been travelling the last two days and snowed under with work.
As i said before, this is absolutly not a fetish.
My shower is separate to my bath, but even if it wasnt i would not consider the suggestion of putting the plug on fot the shower water.

I dont have a water intensive power shower, or take long showers. I simply want to have a shower several times a week when i want to without bejng guilt tripped or dealing with sulking or angry retorts.

I am pondering what action to take, as this cant continue. And yes it is indicative of other issues that seem trival when taken in isolation but i know are not when i step back and look at them all.

It is odd OP, in this post you sound like theres no way you would put up with this nonsense, and yet you have.......................................................... You sound tough and yet you have gone with his demands?

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 15/06/2023 23:10

I also think that its a fetish, cant think why you think that it isnt.

Kiwano · 16/06/2023 08:20

If, as you believe, this is motivated by his obsession about saving water, how does he account for the fact that he insists on a bath which takes so much more water than a shower? I mean, I know he likes a bath but if he is obsessive enough about it that he sulks and gets angry at you, you would think that having a bath would make him feel uncomfortable. And in any event, for most people having a bath in someone else's dirty water is quite icky.

Lookingoutside · 16/06/2023 09:17

OP, you must know that you shouldn’t stay in this relationship any longer?

Do you know that he will always be like this and that you need to leave him? Pondering what form of action to take is a good start.

Dinkler · 16/06/2023 12:16

Put pine essential oil in it and let him get in after you. Say it's your new thing. Prickle his arse.