Stand off with DH over bathing making me so anxious

[tomcat73]

LTR, both in 50's. This has been going on for some time (I would say this stand off is a year or 2 but making me more and more stressed).

It will sound so minor and ridiculous but it is creating such stress and anxiety for me.

My DH likes to have a bath, not a shower. He likes the "soak" and feels like he doesn't get clean properly in a shower (he has job where he can get quite dirty), and also he likes to wet shave in the bath (hates doing it just at a mirror with a sink).

He also has a thing about saving water. So this means that he wants me to have a bath first and then he can get in afterwards.

So as not to drip feed - i guess we have done this a lot for our relationship - early days we had properties that didn't have a shower, and then with small children we would jump in the water after them for convenience. (and he says why do we have to change?)

However I find having a bath time consuming, I often want to shower in the morning not bathe at night, or want to shower when I feel dirty/sweaty (my job can be quite physical). I also think my hair washed much better in shower than rinsing with a jug in the bath.

He has a habit of saying "can we bathe tonight" and gets really arsy if I say I don't want one as I have already showered or like last night it was so hot yesterday I showered not bathed. He was sulking and angry all evening (made it about something else but I know it was about this). He has asked again this morning "can we bathe tonight". I have said it is too hot, and he just goes on about how I can have a cold bath (it's apparently no different to me getting in a lake when i swim???), and that he wants to shave.

We end up in this argument of why can't I just have a bath, it saves water if the two of us share a bath (I actually disagree on this as the 2nd person always puts more water in so I think a one person bath and one person shower would be the same - i have quick showers and we don't have a crazy power shower).

He has even in the past then refused to have a bath himself and had a strip wash instead (making a point that he hates showers).

There is total major guilt trip and such anger from him - i know this is totally weird and out of proportion and I can't live my having this much anxiety over a fucking bath, but equally I can't deal with the fall out when I stand up to him.
He thinks I am being totally unreasonable.

I am going away for work for a few weeks tomorrow, and seriously thinking of sending an email about this to him when I am away so I can clearly lay down boundaries whilst having some space away.

Not sure how else to deal with this in an assertive way without ending up in a major row :(

He sounds very controlling

Not sure how else to deal with this in an assertive way without ending up in a major row :(

The fact you feel this way about telling your husband you're going into wash your own body the way you want to, not the way he dictates you to, is indicative of an incredibly unhealthy relationship. To the point I can only imagine it's incredibly controlling in other ways too. You shouldn't feel this will end up in a major row or be frightened to tell him you want to wash the way you want to wash.

I've read some weird shit on here Op but this one takes the prize. I can't believe this is really about saving water or shaving_does he never shave except on bath nights? Either way if you're going away he'll have to get over it or he'll be very grubby by the time you come home. I'm very tempted to google second hand bath water as a fetish but I think I'll give it a miss. Seriously, I do understand this isn't funny for you and I'd use the time away to break the habit, if there is more to it than water saving he needs to be honest with you rather than being sulky and angry

I'm going along with the 'he has a kink' faction. Unless he truly is bonkers I can think of no reason why a grown man can only take a bath if a woman has used it first. Tell him he's not saving water. A quick shower uses between a quarter and a sixth of the amount of water to fill a bath. And carry on having a shower and let him stink if that's what he wants. With the caveat that there will be no intimacy!

Jesus christ i change the bathwater between my 2 kids. This is weird. Water waste my arse.

Yeah that’s just weird.

We share bath water in this house. I’ll go first and then dh has it after. But if he wants a bath and I don’t, he has one anyway

I'm very tempted to google second hand bath water as a fetish but I think I'll give it a miss.

This really made me laugh!

But yes, agree with everyone, this is extraordinarily odd & disgusting.

My most benign interpretation is that he has got used to this particular routine over time & is unable to see it's weird, dislikes the upset in routine (that's possibly clutching at straws to try & move from the prospect that you are married to a very controlling pervert 😢h

You need to continue putting your foot down as every time you give in and have one because he’s sulking, he’ll continue to sulk next time.

This is obviously maddening but I do think there is some MH issues at play.

Was he very poor as a child?
What are your finances like now?

I grew up very poor and although I’m not this bad there are things that I do to not waste money which most people wouldn’t think twice about.

I would definitely write him a message when you are away and tell him how much anxiety it is giving you and that you do not want to hear it when you get back.

Tell him you will pay the water bill and if he wants a bath he can have one and it doesn’t been a discussion.

Tell him that if this is too difficult for him then perhaps he should see the gp about getting some help to overcome this.

Be kind but be firm.

theres more weird stuff isn’t there, OP. Keep talking.

This is nothing to do with worry about wasting water.

He is grim op.
Bet your solicitor would make a meal of this if you chose to divorce..

Has he got some sort of weird fetish about bathing in your water?

This is absolutely bizarre.

Is this genuinely the only controlling/weird behaviour from him? He does sound unhinged, sorry OP.

I would have the major ick and probably couldn’t move on from this unless he backed right off and it was never mentioned again.

🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢

😂😂😂😂

Hey op, sorry of this has already been said, not read the thread!, but surely you should have a shower with the plug in?! Then he can bathe in the resultant shower water = a bath. Ps he’s definitely given me the ick with his behaviour. Sympathy to you.

Oh OP I realise who you are now. His behaviour on another thread you started was horribly controlling and nasty.

Please don't waste more of your one, precious life with someone who is controlling, dictatorial, sulky and says they 'don't want to look at your fucking face' when you haven't done what they told you to do.

You deserve more than that.

This is 100% not a sexual thing. It is in my opinion partly about the water usage - but also about him not liking change and not respecting my opinion on this - he thinks I am just being difficult! We have had the argument endless times, but he wears me down in the end (and I don't mind the occasional bath, so this then starts the cycle again).

Put the plug in. Have a shower. Leave the water in the bath. Job done.

Yep, fetish, washing his face in your dirty water. No reason why he would be so stroppy about you refusing otherwise, unless he is absolutely controlling in all other aspects of your life.
If he says it's just about water saving offer to let him go first, I bet he won't want to.

Can we bathe tonight would honestly send me right to the divorce office🤢

Just reading this makes me feel claustrophobic and uncomfortable. It's the kind of vibe that makes me happy to be single. Hand on heart, I couldn't tolerate it for a second.

But he isn't saving water. He could have about 6 showers for the amount of water a bath uses. There has to be something else going on.

God almighty is he always such a control freak. Id be getting him a tin bath and filling it with the hose just to make a point.

He feels like he gets cleaner by laying in, and washing himself in your dirty bath water than if he had a shower? That makes no sense to me! I love sharing a bath with my OH, infact we often do....but he would never get in my water AFTER id bathed - 1) it would be Luke warm so he'd have to let some out and refill anyway and 2) if I'd washed my hair in the bath (hate washing hair in a bath!!) He'd be in a bath that was 80% my hair that falls out 🤣

You need to just end this situation and say that he can bathe whenever he likes and you will shower when you want. I would tell him you never want to discuss bathing again 😂