Stand off with DH over bathing making me so anxious

[tomcat73]

LTR, both in 50's. This has been going on for some time (I would say this stand off is a year or 2 but making me more and more stressed).

It will sound so minor and ridiculous but it is creating such stress and anxiety for me.

My DH likes to have a bath, not a shower. He likes the "soak" and feels like he doesn't get clean properly in a shower (he has job where he can get quite dirty), and also he likes to wet shave in the bath (hates doing it just at a mirror with a sink).

He also has a thing about saving water. So this means that he wants me to have a bath first and then he can get in afterwards.

So as not to drip feed - i guess we have done this a lot for our relationship - early days we had properties that didn't have a shower, and then with small children we would jump in the water after them for convenience. (and he says why do we have to change?)

However I find having a bath time consuming, I often want to shower in the morning not bathe at night, or want to shower when I feel dirty/sweaty (my job can be quite physical). I also think my hair washed much better in shower than rinsing with a jug in the bath.

He has a habit of saying "can we bathe tonight" and gets really arsy if I say I don't want one as I have already showered or like last night it was so hot yesterday I showered not bathed. He was sulking and angry all evening (made it about something else but I know it was about this). He has asked again this morning "can we bathe tonight". I have said it is too hot, and he just goes on about how I can have a cold bath (it's apparently no different to me getting in a lake when i swim???), and that he wants to shave.

We end up in this argument of why can't I just have a bath, it saves water if the two of us share a bath (I actually disagree on this as the 2nd person always puts more water in so I think a one person bath and one person shower would be the same - i have quick showers and we don't have a crazy power shower).

He has even in the past then refused to have a bath himself and had a strip wash instead (making a point that he hates showers).

There is total major guilt trip and such anger from him - i know this is totally weird and out of proportion and I can't live my having this much anxiety over a fucking bath, but equally I can't deal with the fall out when I stand up to him.
He thinks I am being totally unreasonable.

I am going away for work for a few weeks tomorrow, and seriously thinking of sending an email about this to him when I am away so I can clearly lay down boundaries whilst having some space away.

Not sure how else to deal with this in an assertive way without ending up in a major row :(

What will happen when you're away with work then - will he not have a bath the whole time if he's got to do it alone?

He sounds very strange.

I have never read anything quite so weird. Does he actually object if you have a shower?

It’s such a weird thing to be so bothered by.
He can clean himself as he wants to and so can you.
Sadly I think this is just going to have to be a row. If you categorically state that you will not be doing this any longer, you will be showering when it suits you, and then star you’re not dis you any more why would happen?
Does he other things like this that he’s so odd about?

The first thing I thought was that this is sexual for him. That explains why he’s so arsey if he didn’t get what he wants. It’s weird and bullying. I would flat out tell him that I am never going to have a Bath again, I prefer showers. End his controlling and manipulation. Honestly, I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone like that.

Mummy can you change my pants tonight.......
Its a LTR and doesn't seem as weird to you now as it once did. It's controlling bordering on pathological. Have the showers and don't involve him in any discussion.

If the obvious ‘stop being a dock’ isn’t going to work then can you get some facts and figures together about the actual amounts and costs? You could put a positive spin on it in your favour!

Eg a bath uses 50 litres of water which costs 10p and costs 25p to heat. A shower uses 12 litres of water and costs 15p.

It sounds like he’s obsessing over waste or over spending and blowing it all out of proportion in his head. Oe he’s a control freak and you should LTB 😁

This would enrage me so much that I'd have the bath ripped out while he was at work. I hate baths anyway , sitting around in my own dirt 🤮🤮

It is hard not to believe that this behaviour doesnt seep out into other aspects of your lives together. Is her generally a tight arse? Either way the fact he is being moody with you is him trying to control you and your behaviour. Only you can decide if you want to carry on living with this anxiety over something so crazy!

tell him no. End of. Have a row about it but stick with no. I can’t think of anything worse than being told how I am to wash.you are an adult. NO.

Yes it really feels like that. Nothing to do with saving water.

Horrible. I'd email him and say you're never going to have a bath again and you don't ever want to discuss your washing habits again either.

This is one of the weirdest posts I have ever read on MN. And I say that not to be a dick OP, but to give you some reassurance that YANBU and he is being really odd. It seems obvious to say that you should just say you aren’t willing to do it anymore, but I assume you have tried that and he is moody and difficult with you about it to pressure you. It’s so weird it can really only be either a sexual fetish or a deep anxiety about money.

I would sit him down and have a very clear conversation with him about how unhappy he is making you, but if you can’t then an email is a good idea. And then you just say no every time and deal with thr call out

*the fall out!

This is possibly the weirdest thing I've read on here. Is he controlling in other ways? Are you happy apart from this? Just tell him straight you're having a shower and bath night is never happening again.

He's trying to force his will on you, that's abusive. I'd be telling him to ship out if he didn't stop the bath topic. Disgraceful controlling behaviour.

1. He's not bothered about your preferences
2. He sounds absolutely bonkers (sorry)

Horrible. My ex dh did this but was presented as a closeness thing. Still gave me major ick.

I agree with the posts that this is something he is getting off on, whether its a purely sexual thing about being in 'your' water or the control aspect of denying you something. I can see why posters are saying just dont do it but when you have children in the house you want to keep the atmosphere light and you go along with things thinking they arent worth the arguement until suddenly you are looking at your life thinking 'WTF?!'

This is absolutely bizarre and a bit unsettling to be honest.

"I'll wash my body however I want and you do the same."

If it's not sorted after that, I would be seriously questioning if I want to be with someone who thinks they have the right to dictate how I do something as basic as clean myself.

And I wouldn't want to be with them.

He has a habit of saying "can we bathe tonight" and gets really arsy if I say I don't want one

It sounds to me like he's attached some sort of ritual to it; or he has a really formal way of phrasing it. Either way, it's odd behaviour.

He has a fetish about using your bath water.

Weird and kindof controlling tbh. Have bath if you want have 6 showers if you want goodness sake water saving indeed. Yes we have a family yes we occasionally dive into shared baths but never ever if one of us decides to shower does it stop the other bathing or showering lol that's crazy

As PP say, if he was serious about saving water he would shower. It's blatantly nonsense to think a bath is cleaner. Ask him if he really believe his obsession is normal, and tell him that you are going to stop having baths from now on.

Not sure how else to deal with this in an assertive way without ending up in a major row :(

You being away is a great opportunity. Set out in an email that this is not up for discussion. Also point out that his obsession about this has ramped up over the last year or two and suggest he arranges therapy.

If he tries to shout at you on the phone about it, put the phone down. When you get back, if he tries to raise it again, remind him that it's not up for discussion. If he tries to start a major row or goes in for sulks, tell him that if he can't get over this you will have to resolve the issue by separating.

I was going to say I think it’s a kink, he likes your used bath water, but someone has beat me to it. It’s not about saving bath water (you would rinse your hair with clean water, doesn’t he top it up, then use more for shaving? This isn’t preserving water).

He has no right to dictate to you how you choose to wash, you are an adult. If he continues to kick up a fuss and be sulky and angry I would rethink the relationship. I wouldn’t give in to him, it’s not up to him to police you.

When you are away, how does he cope?
Is he still having a shower or a bath or he us going Wo fir the few weeks you’ll be away?

Ill doubt he won’t wash himself.
Hell have a Bath in his own.
And so can he when you are there!