Stand off with DH over bathing making me so anxious

[tomcat73]

LTR, both in 50's. This has been going on for some time (I would say this stand off is a year or 2 but making me more and more stressed).

It will sound so minor and ridiculous but it is creating such stress and anxiety for me.

My DH likes to have a bath, not a shower. He likes the "soak" and feels like he doesn't get clean properly in a shower (he has job where he can get quite dirty), and also he likes to wet shave in the bath (hates doing it just at a mirror with a sink).

He also has a thing about saving water. So this means that he wants me to have a bath first and then he can get in afterwards.

So as not to drip feed - i guess we have done this a lot for our relationship - early days we had properties that didn't have a shower, and then with small children we would jump in the water after them for convenience. (and he says why do we have to change?)

However I find having a bath time consuming, I often want to shower in the morning not bathe at night, or want to shower when I feel dirty/sweaty (my job can be quite physical). I also think my hair washed much better in shower than rinsing with a jug in the bath.

He has a habit of saying "can we bathe tonight" and gets really arsy if I say I don't want one as I have already showered or like last night it was so hot yesterday I showered not bathed. He was sulking and angry all evening (made it about something else but I know it was about this). He has asked again this morning "can we bathe tonight". I have said it is too hot, and he just goes on about how I can have a cold bath (it's apparently no different to me getting in a lake when i swim???), and that he wants to shave.

We end up in this argument of why can't I just have a bath, it saves water if the two of us share a bath (I actually disagree on this as the 2nd person always puts more water in so I think a one person bath and one person shower would be the same - i have quick showers and we don't have a crazy power shower).

He has even in the past then refused to have a bath himself and had a strip wash instead (making a point that he hates showers).

There is total major guilt trip and such anger from him - i know this is totally weird and out of proportion and I can't live my having this much anxiety over a fucking bath, but equally I can't deal with the fall out when I stand up to him.
He thinks I am being totally unreasonable.

I am going away for work for a few weeks tomorrow, and seriously thinking of sending an email about this to him when I am away so I can clearly lay down boundaries whilst having some space away.

Not sure how else to deal with this in an assertive way without ending up in a major row :(

Not sure how else to deal with this in an assertive way without ending up in a major row :(

Refuse to have a row. Tell him that you've decided you don't won't baths anymore then refuse to talk about it anymore. There is no point trying to justify it or trying to reason with him.

If you really really don't want to make him angry then lie and tell him your skin is playing up.

I used to love a bath every day and occasionally share the bath with my bf at the same time. I couldn't be arsed with that now. But for you to bathe and then him. It must be a wierd kink.

If he is into saving water he should shower as well. We have a meter now and I'm amazed at how little water we use.

Yuck! I could never share someone else's dirty bath water. Is he a Gwen Stefani fan?

Op,

I think you should take these weeks to decide do you wish to staying being abused and controlled by this angry horror of a man.

He is unhinged.

I feel very sorry for you that this has been your life.

He sounds truly awful.

I would be looking at the logistics of separation.

Look at solicitors.

This does not have to be your life.

I think I’d actually have more understanding and respect if it was a fetish. And he was honest about it.
At least then the OP could decide whether to indulge it or not.
This is just controlling and weird.

Fuck that nonsense.

Ffs. Controlling and weird. Trust your instincts. As an adult your are entitled to a shower. He can have a bath. If he chooses not to wash. Then that reflects on him. Is he trying to piss you off by not washing?

Ick. Don’t know how you haven’t thumped him with a bottle of Baddedas.

Well you don't know it's not a fetish thing. How could you know 100%?

Anyone that cared that much about saving water would want you both to have quick showers.

He's being unnecessarily pushy, pushing through your boundaries for something that makes no logical sense?

^^^ exactly!

I think it doesn't matter what this is about, but him demanding something of you that he has no right to demand, then getting arsy when you say no - that's controlling and abusive and grounds to end the relationship.

It would be the same no matter what the issue specifically was.

Because she then needs to use different water to wash herself in addition to his bath water.

A bath uses about 80 litres of water. Add a ?60? litre (6 min shower) and that’s 140 litres heated and used rather than 80.

Sorry, that was my immediate first thought too. He is irrationally angry and controlling about it.

If it was just about saving water he would strip wash most nights, bathe on Sunday and buy an electric razor.

Tell him you need to install a shower over the bath. That way you can shower and he can have a bath in your dirty shower water. Everyone's a winner.

Failing that put a bucket in the shower with you and tip that in the bath.

He's being really weird and controlling tbh. I'm not surprised you felt anxious but it's really not very normal.

i think good idea to send him the email while ur away.
my husband would jump in my bath right after me as long as i'd just washed my hair and not shaved lol he just loved a big hot bath what i like too once a week and didn't give a shit i had been in it.
but. ur husband is actually using controlling behaviour to take from u one of the most basic elements in life. private bathing.
email him while ur away, tell him from
now on, when u return u will no longer be having baths. tell him it no longer feels right about the water
saving. it doesn't add up. u don't enjoy an bath and u no longer will be doing it. u feel forced.
he may have a bath anytime he likes.
if he really wants to save water he would be scrubbing at the sink.
it's just a control thing and it needs to stop now.
don't let him do this to u.
if he insists on jumping in ur bath after let the water out. or fill it the the bare minimum just to prove a point. there's more to this tho op, nip it in the bud now. ur entitled to a bath shower whatever anytime u like as often or not as u like.

Tell him you've worked out how much water you use in the shower and give him the same limit for his bath. Be about 3 inches deep! Then have the row and stand your ground going forward.

But if he wants to save water the ONLY option is a shower so it's NOT about saving water

Why WHY why do women put up with crap from men ?

I dont understand

I agree with previous posters that you wash how you want to and tell him that.

Regardless of the baths he sounds a horrible man, very controlling. Please use the time away to clear your head and look at your marriage from an outsider's point of view, don't make excuses for him to yourself, just ask yourself if you really want this to be your life for the next 30/ 40 years.

If he's worried about wasting water, have you a shower over the bath? If so put the plug in while you shower then when you have finished top the bath up with more water for him. You then get your clean shower and he gets his bath with part of your shower water and part fresh water.

Don’t do the shower first, then bath in the water - OP’s shower time will then be controlled by when he wants to have a bath. The two events need to be uncoupled permanently.

Baths take up to 150 litres, particularly bearing in mind that he always adds water. If he showered instead, there would be an instant saving.

Having looked at your previous thread, I have changed my mind and would say that he is a passive aggressive TWAT.

He is trying to exercise control over you on the minutest areas of your life!

Previously, you were a little late home and he had a hissy fit about not eating dinner together.

There must be other incidents of such behaviour OP, so I would spend the time away thinking if this is how you want to live the rest of your life.

and if all else fails and he breaks u down again.......if he completely insists he wants ur old bath water.....have a quick piss in it before u get out

A good solution if your shower is an over-the-bath affair.

But my preference would be to tell him his silliness stops now. No more bathing requests, no more sulks.

Like others, I do wonder if it's a kink - you say no, but is that based on his own protestations, or your personal view?

Is he obsessive about water usage in other ways? If that really is his reason, he can, as others have pointed out, jolly well take a shower. Yes he doesn't think he gets as clean in a shower, but the issue of water usage is important enough for him to jeopardise his relationship, so surely he can switch from bath to shower for such an important issue. Save water and save your relationship at the same time. Win-win.

After all the aggro he's given you over the years, it would be terribly hard for him to come clean 😂about his reasons if the were sexual, as you'd rightly be furious that he'd not been honest about something that has caused you so much stress.

Whatever the reason for his behaviour, we all seem unanimous in saying it's well out of order.