Rejection sensitivity dysphoria and ADHD

[shardinay]

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD as a child so I've always known that. It in recent years our relationship has deteriorated massively to the point I'm almost mute in our house (apart from talking and engaging with our wonderful kids). He seems to be able to take offence or find criticism in absolutely everything i say. As a result we don't talk at all anymore. I mean this literally.. i couldn't even ask him to pass the salt as he would take it as an attack on his character that he didn't consider my meal needed salt. He knows nothing about me or my life because if you can’t ask someone to get petrol while they're out (example) without it descending into a huge argument about how he knows the car needs petrol and doesn't need reminders and he's not the type of person to let a car cut out at the side of the road and he was planning on getting petrol etc etc etc (he never gets petrol nor notices the light being on - ADHD) ... then how/why would i share the big stuff.

Does anyone know anything about this Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria?

This is way beyond RSD, but even if it was, it's his responsibility to take ownership of his feelings, not lash out at his family.

You sound unhappy in this relationship, regardless.

I used to say something in my head first then reword it as best i could to cause the least amount of offence or decide if it was worth saying. But obviously that's exhausting so it really is easier to just say nothing ever and do everything myself and just talk to my friends and colleagues.

I wouldn’t say this was RSD personally. Staying in this relationship isn’t healthy for you or your children.

I've always found that RSD tends to make me isolate myself from people rather than pick fights, and the same goes for the other people I've known with ADHD. This sounds to me like he is weaponizing an aspect of ADHD against you rather than being an inherent part of ADHD itself. If he is this reactionary about anything he perceives as criticism then he's got bigger problems than ADHD.

Is he like this with anyone else or are you getting the brunt of it? RSD reacts to perceived rejection from anyone but I assume that if he blows up at his boss or his friends or his extended family the way he's blowing up at you, then he must lose jobs and friendships at the drop of a hat. If this behaviour is targeted specifically at you, then it's not RSD, it's a choice he is making to be nasty to you.

He's like this with his mother. Not his father though.

He's really senior at his job and is genuinely a great mentor to those coming up the ranks. But he's absolutely always right and argues to the death with anyone who suggests otherwise. He's very very clever and does get on with his boss but i think she just leaves him to it or concedes that he's right (he probably is usually right at work to be fair).

He has no friends at all. He's from abroad but has lived here 11 years and hasn't made a single friend.

He's a good dad and only a normal level of exasperation at the kids if it's been a long day and they're messing at bedtime or whatever.

This doesn’t sound solely like RSD, this sounds like it also has elements of something like Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) meaning he can’t cope with anything that could be a demand.

Honestly though, you are entitled to be heard in the relationship and shouldn’t have to live in a situation where you’re living in silence. Just because your DH has ADHD doesn’t mean he gets to shirk any responsibility for his behaviour. If I was in your situation I would have left a long time ago.

@MySqueeHasBeenSeverelyHarshed do you mean if you feel a wave of RSD coming over you you leave the situation rather than rise to the (non existent) bate? How would you feel if i said "I'm not sure that's the right shirt for the restaurant we're going to"?. I know that is an actual criticism but if that was said to me i’d think "oh right! Thanks for the heads up.. i didn't realise the place was fancy". Of whatever... i wouldn't think i was a deeply flawed person with poor decision making and my wife hates me otherwise why would she tell me to change my clothes or that I'm stupid for not understanding the tone of the night out

He doesn't have an ASD diagnosis but I'd be shocked if he doesn't have it. And yes... meets the profile for PDA too but when i first heard about this RSD it's like a lightbulb went off in my head. Initially i felt like he deserved my compassion but the love is gone so it's hard to claw back to a place of kindness and connection

Sorry.., 3 posts in a row. The irony is it's virtually impossible to have a conversation about RSD with a person who has it!

I'm in the middle of divorcing someone like that. The label is only helpful if it leads to self-awareness and actually working on finding strategies to manage unhealthy and abusive reactions. My ex was not willing to do that.

Yes, some things are harder now that we are separated, but I'm so much happier to no longer be walking on egg shells.

I drove myself crazy trying to understand his behaviour, when I should have been focusing on myself and what I needed.

@marplemead how did you even begin to have a conversation about it though? (Him having RSD). I'm not on egg shells any more because i ask nothing of him at all. But i know the feeling. And I'm the least argumentative person in the world so am not comfortable with conflict.

To OP and others - how did you get to the point where you decided you were in love with and wanted to marry people like this? Not being antagonistic: I'm genuinely interested.

@shardinay I tried talking to him many times, but he was never able to hear what I was saying. All he heard was criticism. He would find criticism in anything I said. If I said 'I'm really tired; the baby was up all night' it would lead to an argument, because he would respond 'I've just woken up, why are you having a go at me?'. In the end, I decided to prioritise myself and my kids.

I can't speak for others, but my ex masked his ADHD symptoms in the beginning. And he hyper focused on me, which was essentially love bombing. I was vulnerable and being loved like that made me ignore the red flags.

OK, thanks for replying and sorry you had such a shit experience.

This is way beyond RSD. I have diagnosed ADHD and experience RSD a lot, but a normal example for me might be someone being a bit snappy or abrupt with me when busy, stressed or tired, most people will just brush it off, or feel a bit annoyed, whereas I’ll get really upset and dwell on it for hours, think the person hates me etc.

And I fully acknowledge that this is entirely a me problem and my own issue, not the other person’s to navigate or manage. It sounds like he isn’t doing that at all.

He needs some therapy.

For me... i think i probably convinced myself i was in love with him. I liked how brainy he was, that he was 'quirky' and liked that i didn't end up with a bloke from down the road the way most of my friends did. He has a real sense of fairness and social justice and i admired that. I was also looking at all my friends getting married and having kids. So he's not totally blameless in the demise of our marriage. But the RSD has really amped up with every promotion he's had at work. I don't know if that's a coincidence. Part of me thinks that not everyone can have everything they want so i make peace with my lot in life, genuinely. I have amazing kids, a job i love, a lovely house in a nice area, a dog who brings me so much joy, friends who I've known my whole life. I have a lot to be grateful for.

Thanks for replying @ScabbyKebab do you hide your feelings from the person who you perceive has slighted you?

Maybe my examples are stupid. And if I'm being honest they're hypothetical because i would never ask him to pass salt or get petrol because I've been so burned by him for asking for help or saying something he wouldn't like in the past.

Well, my general reaction at being told that something I'm planning on wearing isn't a good choice is to consider who it's coming from. If it's a friend who can generally be relied on for good fashion advice, I might change but be mildly irritated and would not pick a fight. If it's from my mother who has a controlling streak and who dislikes my personal style in general, I refuse to engage and/or poke fun at her for being basic and do what I want. This very situation happened not long ago when I was going to the opera and she tried to talk me out of wearing formal wear (the place had a dress code). Who the criticism is coming from is important, it's not so easy to ignore when it comes from someone who has a habit of making these kinds of digs and it's especially infuriating when it comes from someone who you know knows less about a subject than you do.

It's not from RSD but I think people with ADHD have grown up having their behaviours and tastes dissected and corrected and after a while it gets to you and you learn to clap back. In the grand scheme of things, what I wear to the opera really doesn't matter but the idea that I am wrong coming from a person that has never been to the opera is particularly irksome. You say that your husband is like this with his mother but not his father, so what's the difference in how they approach him?

Being senior at work and good at his job, seems that he thinks/knows he's the smartest man in the room so doesn't get challenged much and doesn't get much RSD there. Doing well with the kids is normal enough, young kids don't tend to talk back much but that will change as they get older. Having no friends is understandable, friends are so easily removed if they cross a line and activate that RSD, but that leaves you bearing the brunt of his dissatisfaction. There could be an element of masking in there too.

I think this is all a reaction to some other insecurity he has coupled with ADHD and the RSD with an added sprinkle of male socialization. It sounds to me like he thinks he's automatically much smarter and superior to you and that makes anything you say or do to him insulting and he reacts to that with aggression.

A live example. At about 6pm he asked what I'd like for dinner because he was going to make pizza. I said i wasn't hungry just yet because I'd had a late lunch. He's eating the pizza now. All of it. I can't pipe up and say what about me.. because there'll be a big row about me saying i wasn't hungry 3 hours ago and how was he supposed to know. ie: it's preferable to be hungry than row with him. I'll have cereal later but that will annoy him too. Because i said i wasn't hungry and now he's the baddie who ate all the pizza

Generally, yes. If something has really upset me and I end up crying, I obviously can’t hide it from DH and we’ll talk about it, he’ll apologise for upsetting me but I’ll acknowledge it’s my own sensitivity that’s mainly the issue and we’ll move on. I certainly never want him to walk on eggshells around me.

if it’s a colleague or friend, I’ll just lay low and stay out of their way until their mood blows over and won’t let them know I’m upset. I’d be mortified if they knew I went into such a spiral about something so trivial!

@shardinay I really feel for you, my ADHD husband has RSD just as you describe. I have to practice every single thing I say half a dozen times in my head before I try to say anything. Continually walking on egg shells. Think “where’s the car keys?” Cue defensive aggressive “How should I know where they are!!??” and on and on.

In fact same thing happens when trying to discuss family choices like what colour paint to get, which fridge to go for etc. Huge defensive angry rant as if merely discussing pros and cons is a giant insult to him.

@MySqueeHasBeenSeverelyHarshed he is definitely smarter than me in terms of IQ but his emotional intelligence is zero. His mother is a difficult woman too. Does not conform to social norms at all and while she does a lot of good works in the community (Shes religious) she boasts constantly about how fantastic she is. So doesn't have the tact and subtly to let you know she's amazing without spelling it out! His dad is a lovely man but an old fashioned dad... would have been very hands off in the reading of them.

@HairyKitty yes! It's so sad. I try not to let myself feel sad about it but it's awful. I’d really have to weigh up whether it was worth asking him if he knew were the keys were or if it would be easier to just be late.

I have ADHD and consider myself to suffer quite intensely from RSD. I don’t recognise the traits in what you describe. It’s usually internal damage to my own self esteem and definitely from anything as trivial as pass the salt! In fact - many of us ADHDers are people pleasers as we want to actively AVOID conflict.

you sound really unhappy and I’d consider counselling or leaving tbh. Not nice behaviour for your kids to grow up around

keep us posted, we are here to support you.